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About this 'acceptance' business
September 19, 2005
5:50 pm
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exoticflower
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So, I know I'm sort of getting there, AM there a lot of the time, and I know that some others are just hitting that spot too...maybe a nice little thread to discuss acceptance and coming to terms? I've found it isn't the serene glorious self actualized burst of mental health and clarity I had hoped...I feel like I'm sort of out of the prison, but just sitting on the stoop of it now saying..."um, ok, what now?"...picture ef with a finger up her nose, scratching her head with a 'yea, acceptance" penant and a suitcase that says "Mental Health or BUST!"....right there in mental health, but without a plan beyond it!

September 19, 2005
6:05 pm
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columbia
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You could say "Mental Health isn't always pretty,but it feels better than the alternative."

September 19, 2005
6:13 pm
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sewunique
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Acceptance. Right now I am just turning the bend on accepting and embracing whom I am. accepting the fact my marriage would only get worse. In that, I got out just in time to save myself!

Other than that..............still angry at the ex's cruel shidaningans. (No good secrets) that no one seems to care or realize as everyone in his family enables the dry drunk. And, my daughter still caludded with him and has not spoken to me in her shame and blame of me.

Other than that, yep, I quit posting what else I could say as that is how far I am in my acceptance. Still at the angry level. (It is soo hard letting go, isn't it?)

But, am beginning to realize how special I am and priviledged to have good friends here and in my touchy feely life!

good thread, but a difficult one if one is honest with oneself. I speak for myself on that idea.

~Sew~

September 19, 2005
6:37 pm
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exoticflower
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Sew, so many possitive or practicle things to concider...the one that gets me a lot of times is that I'm also accepting my anger, allowing it and understanding that it is the apropriate emotion. SO, with acceptance I do get less angry, but am still angry as hell, just not flaming hell and ulfire with a cherry on top anymore! And I'm really not, so I suppose that is nice.

Ah, and letting go...I guess the two should go hand in hand...it's also a stressor for me a lot of times accepting that there are areas I need to focus on mre (letgoletgoletgo!). So maybe entering acceptance and actually BEING FULL OF acceptance are different worlds entirely? I think that others working on acceptance and starting to feel it are reaching to be honest with themselves more, I know I am, but that too takes the healthy owning my emotions fun out of it too!

Columbia, LOL, so scary and very very true!

September 19, 2005
6:38 pm
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kc30
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Great thread ef.

Do I accept that it's over? Yes, I do but if I were to be honest, there is still a part of me resisting

"Rage rage against the dying of the light" could be my motto.

It's the sick part of me, I know that. I'm trying to accept that too...the fact that even though I know better, the old patterns, the old codie girl, is still lurking in the shadows.

It's hard letting go...I can't face it all at once- one day at a time is such a great motto.

It really is over...everything is different. he looks different- it's disconcerting. Change is so hard, even when it's a positive change.

I have really just moved into this part of the whole cycle. I've been prepping for it for months, but I knew there would be something to contend with when the baby came, and there was...5 weeks of playing house and having him kiss my ass. It was nice...but I knew it wouldn't last. If it could have lasted, our marriage wouldn't have failed.

Now, the boundaries are back in place, and there are no issues between us. Everything is in it's place properly, and the rest of my life is ahead of me. But I can't see it....I feel the exact same way as you do ef...what comes next?

When I let go, that means he exits my thoughts too....disappears from my conversations. I've spent so much time acting, reacting, thinking about, talking about and trying to outplay this man. Now the game is over...called on account of kc finally digging her head out of her ass. So what now?

Get back to me I guess....do the things that got me through the worst of it...detach, back to no unnecessary contact/no reaction, close the door on him in terms of my life, and stop trying to peek through the keyhole of his.

I know I"m in an acceptance place, but it ain't over yet. I still have work to do to quash the unhealthy urges, and I don't think he is even close- a denial thing I think. He says he knows it's over, but hasn't felt the feelings yet, and I know if he starts to really feel the loss, he'll come around again someday just to avoid dealing with the pain...but he'll use an even bigger hook...if I don't start putting my eye back on ME and MY life, he just may fool me a year down the road.

So what next? Work my program, run, eat well, go out with my friends, play with my kids, redecorate a room, plan a vacation, go shopping, try a new restaurant, read a good book, go to confession, pray for help, go to Mass, talk it out, no contact, no reaction...back to doing what makes me feel good about me.

kc

September 19, 2005
7:00 pm
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Anonymous
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acceptance in ali's world.

I guess we all have different levels of what acceptance is.

for me - I am at this level -

I have accepted that my codependent rescuing/persecuting/victim shenanigans along with my BF's irresponsibility and immaturity created a relationship that I was dying to get out of. I have accepted my part in it - and accepted that my part does not negate his responsibility in his mistakes.

I have accepted that I can only change myself and can't make him change anything - that putting a gun to his head and giving ultimatums and telling him he if he loved me he would do "this" for us only amounts to another ticket on the non-stop rollercoaster from hell that I swore I wasn't gonna ride again.

I have accepted that my childhood and parental involvement created this monster - but that I have the power to change it.

I have accepted that changing it is not going to be an overnight process and that it's going to take a damn long time to undo the mistakes of the past - but the only changes I can make are within me.

I have accepted that there will be days where I want to quit - there will be days I think I got it licked - there will be days it feels like it's licked me - and there will be days where I wonder why the hell I am doing this in the first place.

I have accepted that I like me - but don't like how I related to others.

I have accepted that quitting is NOT an option.

I have accepted that if I always do what I have always done, I will always get what I always got.

I have accepted that doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results is the definition of insanity - and yeah, looks like I have played that card for a long time.

I have accepted that I gotta stop sitting around waiting for the "world" to give me what I want and that I gotta enjoy the moment, the here and now, and not put things on hold waiting for other things to be resolved - that there is no reason to be unhappy with the here and now, because I am waiting for something that may or may not happen.

I am sure I can think of more - but the bottom line is - each little acceptance is part of the bigger picture.

rome wasn't built in a day - and we didn't get to this point in our lives in a day, week or even year - that a good number of us have 30 odd years or more invested in being codependent.

I go to my coda meetings, have committed to going to church starting sunday, go to therapy each week and gonna work HARD on making my environment something I can be happy with, instead of being unhappy with it while I wait for other things to get changed.

September 19, 2005
7:41 pm
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columbia
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I have come to accept I will go through life with a mental and emotional "limp". I will always have a limitation to what I can do, what kind of relationships I will have,and what others can express fully I will always hesitate. I'm still trying to accept my life has been altered for life .

September 19, 2005
7:47 pm
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sewunique
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Alicat,

Very nicely stated and sorterd out!

Ef,

I am at the level alicat is, cepting attending coda meetings; none heere tospeak about and when I attended, the particular grpoup and setting were not comfortable with me....elbow to elbow sitting room, etc. Just wasn't my cuppa tea.

But angry as h*ll yet at him and just need to somehow someday speak out cuz I left with not acknowledging some hiughlites to family. Another story.

But I do applaud loudly and often for any advances and accomplishments. Much better than not getting out of bed or returning there for the day!

Music helps of all sorts. Sometimes the louder the better. Heck, my Cher CD is actually getting eworn out from ove4use. "Yes, I'm strong enough to live without you, strong enough to act without crying, strong enough......to know, you gotta go...."

And then there's my poetry that I been publishing on the poet's site. The reviews have been so uplifting, it encourages me.

And work? Never better. Feels like community if anyone can understand what that means.

And, tonite I just signed up for my Finnish class! So "sisu" Finnish "tenacity of purpose", stick to it-ness, perserverness, is what I've got!

With sunshine smiles from the sunshine state,

~Sew~

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