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abortion
August 4, 2000
2:50 pm
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lazydazy
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I am finally getting down to the nitty gritty. I have been in denial for two years. I had an abortion two years ago and have been suffering mental breakdowns ever since. I have been harboring feelings of guilt all of this time and last night woke me up to some healing that I need to do. I had a dream where I was in a hurricane and when I turned around the corner from my house, God was standing there speaking to me. It was so vivid but I cant remember what he said. It was so colorful that it looked like he was wearing make-up. I saw him, I touched him and I cried, so hard that I could feel the pain and the guilt washing away with my tears. It was beautiful and hurtful at the same time.
I havent forgave myself or dealt with these issues since the abortion. I feel guilty, like I killed a child. I love children and want to have them and fear not being able to have them in the future. I cut off all ties with the father. He is not the best of all people but I felt passion for him an hated him for the longest time for not being able to feel the pain that I've felt. If I could go back now, I would have that child. Being Catholic contributes to my problems with holding so much guilt inside. I feel "broken" and my self-worth is so low. I tried to overcompensate for this for the longest time by throwing myself into work only to come out with an anxiety disorder. I dont feel the same as I did before the abortion. I used to be so carefree and full of life. In some ways I am, but the pain is still in my heart. I couldnt have the child at the time cause it wasnt the right time.

I hated the father of my child for the longest time, I called him today and he is supposed to call me back in an hour. I am so nervous but I think that this is part of my healing process. I need to forgive. God has forgiven, why cant I?

August 4, 2000
4:17 pm
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scardykat
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September 27, 2010
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Dear Lazydazy,

How odd it was reading your letter. it was like reading a book almost exactly right down to Catholism and have done the deed two years ago. I, however, have not had that dream. But here is some comforting advice, just started seeing the shrik on Wednesday and of course i tell her my deep dark secret. She says that we will need to work on the guilt but she believes that from the scriptures (yeah, I know what a quack) people live life and are alive when God breathed life into them. Only when they are breathing are they considered to have life. I don't know if I explained it right but it made me feel a little better. I having been adopted feel even stronger that the decision I made was the wrong one. I could have had my baby adopted but chose not to. Anyway, enough of the doldrums. Just wanted to say I hear what you are saying, hang in there. Hopefully for both of us it will get better with time.

August 6, 2000
2:43 pm
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Castle
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September 24, 2010
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Lazydazy,

I am very sorry to hear what you've gone through. I know someone who had an abortion and it is never an easy decision.

Though, as my mom says, (also a Catholic) "it's better to make the decision to abort and live a normal life ...than be strapped with little or no money with a child and wonder what a normal life would be like.

Sometimes though, you have to help and think of yourself first. And, of course, always use protection (you may have used protection and it failed, I don't know).

I know this is killing you, but it shouldn't be debilatating you the way it is. It is obvious you are a very caring person :). But, you need to go on with your life. I think seeking counseling is a good idea. Your counselor can help you work through the issues you have surrounding the abortion.

Best of luck to you 🙂 Hug to ya!

August 17, 2000
1:16 pm
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ddcc
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August 17, 2000
1:31 pm
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Molly
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You made the only choice you could make at the time. Could be that there is an emptiness in your life right now where you have the monkey brain syndrom, controll your thoughts vs them controll you. It does not serve you to go there in your mind, as soon as you catch your self mentally drifting to that, clear it away with God forgave me, I forgive me, and I use the Hail Mary as like a mantra, picked that up a couple of years ago, figure it can't hurt. Curious though, what did you want to say to the father?

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