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abandonment issues AGAIN
October 11, 2001
11:49 am
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moonglow
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Pill, If I were moving to town and had nowhere to stay except my male friend's house, I either would not go, or go when I have enough money to pay for a hotel room until I found a place to live permanently. I'd do this because he is my FRIEND and I wouldn't want to cause any problems between him and his girlfriend. Pill, does this chick try to talk to you when you see her? If she's your man's friend then she should try to be your friend, too.

October 11, 2001
12:28 pm
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pill
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I think she tried. I really didn't give her much of a chance to get to know me. I was vicious right from the start. I suck.

October 11, 2001
12:52 pm
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Ladeska
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No, no, it's not an issue of you sucking. It's an issue of you arriving at the place of - "you're picking and choosing" what's okay and not okay - for you.

All too many times we put ourselves in the position of asking them what's right for us, or why they did whatever or trying so very hard to understand why they aren't lining up with the picture we want them to be.

What in the world flew up our nose and gave us brain damage here? Good God Almighty - so like - do we have balls or not? And can we call it - just what it is and not be a bitch about it but at the same time - have some self-respect about what's not acceptable to you.

We, as women, too often assume the position of why oh why won't he be what I want or why or why won't he understand or make me understand?

Sometimes the swan you're looking at - just ain't a swan. He's duck and no matter how many pairs of glasses you put on or how many yoga positions you assume trying to squint and make things different...it still quacks like a duck.

So, if there's been a history of him not honoring you - like - Poof - Be Gone and "do I know you?"

It's all about self-respect, girlfriend and you don't owe anyone a computer printout as to how you come to your conclusions. You've got a brain, you use it - let them figure it out.

Time for you to get ahold of guy that isn't a fixer-upper. Write down a list of the attributes you want. Refer to it often and don't accept less in a man.

October 11, 2001
1:02 pm
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pill
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he wants to talk today. what i dont' know about.. he doesn't want to lose me, nor i him. that's been decided for sure. sometimes i get the feeling that i'm shopping for diamonds and come up with a suitable substitute: shines and sparkles, but when you bite, it crumbles.

what if there are rewards to this? everyone has problems you know... what if what i get makes up for what i don't get?

i really appreciate and respect everyone's help on this website. i keep coming back to it again and again, so it's helping. sometimes i wonder if i don't rely too much on the feedback i get here. I get really lost and confused and should take things i here with a grain of salt? not meaning to knock anyone's advice...

October 11, 2001
1:09 pm
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Ladeska
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Sweetie, you do what you want to do. We all learn what we learn by walking our own journey. We can all share with you this and that, but it comes down to - what you need to go through and for whatever reason. Pain isn't always bad either, it's a very good teacher.

One word of advice though - when you get lost and confused...track it to it's source. When did you start feeling this way? And one thing that is apparent here is that - if you don't have any absolutes about what you want and what you won't allow - then you will get confused, blown here and there and run around in circles. Because rest assured - people see this and their predatory nature kicks in. If you don't put up the standard and the boundaries - you will become prey for their needs.

So, first and foremost - sit down with yourself and come up with some absolutes and don't waiver. Write them down - it helps.

October 11, 2001
1:40 pm
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gingerleigh
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Pill, there have been other discussions on this group about people taking advantage of others and preying on others' feelings. It *is* the internet, counseling group or not, and there are malicious people out there and perhaps even on this site, just like there are malicious people in the world and perhaps even in our lives. All you can really expect to receive here are outside perspectives, some might be right on and ring true to you, others might be way off base. Ultimately, you have the power over how to process the advice and comments given.

Should you take this with a grain of salt? Absolutely. But that applies to advice that comes from just about anyone. Only you live your life, only you know what's in your head, only you can choose to believe what someone tells you, and only you have responsibility for the actions you take. You've got the smarts to do what's right for you and make good decisions. Hopefully the outside advice seeking that you do here and in your daily life will just assist you in making those decisions. 🙂

October 11, 2001
2:10 pm
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pill
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Thank you so much Ladeska and Ginger. It's true that only my side of the story is being read nd responded to here. I have faith that if he were to tell his side, the advice would be different. I have tried to include as much detail as possible, but like seeing a therapist for realtionship trouble, both parties have to go and be heard.

I think I need to back away here and not visit so often...

Thank you thank you thank you.

October 11, 2001
2:37 pm
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Ladeska
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hm,m,m....

October 11, 2001
3:00 pm
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pill
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okay... what ? what?

October 11, 2001
5:45 pm
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Ladeska
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Just thinking outloud....I do that sometimes and when you see kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkksssssssssssssssslllllllllllllllccccccccccc - you know I fell asleep at my keyboard.

So hard to really see things clearly with people by just writing, is tough. But I wish you well and hope you come back. It's good to get alot of different opinions from sources all over, helps one to critically think. But the person who matters most - is what do you think?

Go clear your head and search for wisdom. Thanks for sharing here...hope we didn't scare you off! (smile)

October 11, 2001
6:49 pm
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gingerleigh
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Geez Ladeska, guess I don't need to dress up this Halloween, I'm scary enough! *evil grin*

Good luck, Pill, we're rooting for ya!

October 12, 2001
1:14 pm
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Ladeska
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Ginger - yeah, I usually go - as myself - people already think I'm an alien anyways. (smile)

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