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AA
August 4, 2005
9:55 pm
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silentears
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hey. so things are so ridiculously crazy right now. all i crave is smirnoff, mikes hard lemonade, bacardi etc... i drove over to my church drunk-more like tipsy yesterday. my youth director poured out my bottle and then walked me home making me leave my car behind. then later in the afternoon we had a chat. it was a really hard one. a good heart to heart though. basically if i didn't call and make an appt. then she would have no choice but to do an intervention. the fear of my mother in that is what got me to call. which i would have to say took a lot. i don't know what to do. i honestly don't think my drinking is that bad.i don't want to lose her or these 2 other people. i already lost one...not related to this whatsoever. if i were to lose either one of them i would kill myself! they keep me going. i just don't understand what is wrong with me.

August 4, 2005
11:02 pm
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LthrNlace
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hi silentears,

It takes a lot of courage to take the first step to reach out and attempt to get some help for yourself. Can I ask how old you are?
What is your drinking pattern like? In other words, how often, when and how much do you drink on average?

Who are the other two people, besides your mom, that you dont want to lose? You can try looking into professional treatment, but also look into if your area has Young People's AA meetings. My clients seem to enjoy them, and they feel they can open up and relate much better to peers their own age and in the similiar circumstances. Good luck and congratulations on taking the first step of becoming aware of this behavior.

August 5, 2005
1:57 am
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celebrate recovery
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Please check out Celebrate Recovery.com. It is based on the 12-step program but is Christ centered. You won't regret it. My husband was an alcoholic for the 30 years we've been married and since being in the program he's been sober 2 years. I honestly never thought that would ever happen.

I'll be praying for you.

August 5, 2005
12:23 pm
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Wood Sorrel
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Hi..

Maybe you would like to also check out a book called, 'Seven Weeks to Sobriety: The Proven Program to Fight Alcoholism through Nutrition ' by Joan Matthews Larson. It is a different take on alcohol addiction which addresses the nutrition deficiencies which can cause addiction.

Another alternative which looked interesting to me was the approach of St. Jude Retreat, see http://www.soberforever.net/

I'm offering these as poss. alternatives to look into since it seems like you are having some difficulties with the AA aproach.

You may also want to look into Codependency issues you might have, this often goes hand in hand with alcoholism. It may help you to try to be more honest with yourself and help you get to the bottom of the emotional WHY behind your behavior.

Seems to me you may want to really try to have a hard honest look at yourself, on the one hand you are complaining of your cravings, on the other you are saying you don't think you have a problem. It seems like your loved-ones do think you have a problem and you should try to take a good look at why they might think this. I have a husband who is an alcoholic but is having major denial issues. I had denial about my codepencey behavior. I realize how hard it is to SEE yourself, its a lot easier to see what other people are doing/having problems with. That is why it is important for you to take seriously what others who know you well are trying to tell you.

I really wish you well, I know all of this is really hard. And the thing is if you don't try to deal with this than you probably will loose those closest to you, not because they don't care about you but because they are weary and emotionally drained trying to help you and they may get to a point where they have neglected their own needs for yours and may become resentful because of it.

So please try, I really wish my husband would.

Hope this helps... let us know how it goes.

Luv,
Wood

August 5, 2005
5:44 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi Silent,

I agree with Wood that it is very difficult to look honestly at yourself. My experience was much the same as any alcoholic's.

I drank and I drank alot, but never thought that I had a problem.

Whenever I went to my yearly physical the doctor would always ask me the same questions....Do you drink? Yes. How often? Two, Three days a week. How much do you drink? I don't know....12-14 beers. Do you think you have a problem? No.

I tolerated my alcohol very well, as most alcoholics do. I didn't stumble or fall, didn't slur my speech or get sick....so therefore, I didn't have a problem. There was always an excuse for everything.

I've gotten into fist fights in bars (I grew up in a tough neighborhood). I drove drunk more times than I care to admit(I'm not that drunk, I can drive). I've actually been pulled over by the police while drunk, they let me go and I drove to the next bar!(I needed another drink before the headache set in.)

It wasn't until after a rather humilitating experience that I began to take an honest look at myself and my life. I came to realize that every problem I've ever had and every bad thing that has ever happened to be involved alcohol. Either my own drinking or someone else's. I came to realize that I am an alcoholic.

I can control when I drink but cannot control how much I drink. I drink to get drunk. It doesn't matter if I start at 10am or 10 pm, once I start I do not stop until I can't drink anymore or the bar closes, whichever comes first. That will never change about me.

On Aug.12th....it will be one year since I've had a drink. My life is not perfect but it is better than it has ever been. With the help of AA, Al-anon, my therapist and my loved ones, I am on my way to having the happy, healthy life I have always dreamed of.

I hope you find the same.

Good luck,
Lolli

August 5, 2005
9:43 pm
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silentears
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wow, thanks to everyone who responded. that means something to me. the two people i don't want to lose are great friends from church. i have about 5 people who i couldn't live without. and they are all adults, i don't have many friends my own age. i don't drink everyday-monthly maybe. it's hard. once i decide i want the alcohol and get it it is either a 6 pack or party-pack and i drink some, save some and drink some. sometimes i have friends who have some too. oh and i'm 18 years old. congrats to all you who are recovered and who have dealt with someone else's drinking too. i had my first therapy appt. today. freakin' didn't want to go but i did. i almost didn't have a choice. but my friend who made me go called me and said she was proud and that she loved me. i started looking at appt. with friends too. we will see. hey i gotta go. later

August 5, 2005
10:50 pm
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LthrNlace
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Glad to hear you went to your first appt, how did it go? Its great you have those friends and your mom to help you and care enough about you to encourage you through this part of your life. Good luck with your treatment, keep us updated.

Remember to keep it simple during your recovery and treatment process.

August 5, 2005
11:47 pm
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silentears
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keep it simple. i like that. my appt. was ok. my doctor gave me his cell for emergencies, talked about impatient treatment care and that he is basically worried. i don't know. i have another appt. scheduled for the 10th. we'll see what happens. i am just trying to do something right.

August 6, 2005
12:00 am
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Anonymous
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Proud of you, silent! You are doing the right thing, sweetie:)

Please keep us posted on your progress. We care here!

August 10, 2005
1:50 pm
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LthrNlace
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Hey Silent,
just wondering how things are going for you lately. I know its going to be a rough road for a while, but so far it seems you have taken the right steps. Hope to hear from ya soon.

August 12, 2005
2:58 pm
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silentears
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hey.things are absolutely crazy. my mother doesn't think i should go to college. and doesn't think i'll make it. i'm doing americorps so that will take up a lot of time but still. i want to take ONE class-it's even over the internet. i had another therapy appt. it was pretty pointless to me. i just get so angry for no reason and freak out. literally...off the wall. i wanna get out of here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

August 13, 2005
1:18 am
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silentears
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so, i am officially not going to college anymore. it has been decided. i hate this. i screwed up most my high school and wanted to just start fresh. not get behind but start out like most people. no, going to college whenever, at any age is perfectly fine but it isn't what i had planned. oh well. i went to my friends farewell party tonight. just for an hour or so. everyone from my graduating class she was friends with was invited-to see where everyone is going and such. a little depressing if you ask me. everything around me is falling apart. so am i.

August 13, 2005
1:22 am
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silentears
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oh and i have probably gained 10-15 lbs. this summer. everytime i look at myself i want to throw up. it's disgusting. i just want to lose 15 lbs. and i will be fine.

August 16, 2005
1:59 pm
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silentears
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ok! so, i am really excited. this thurs. i get to go on my vacation. um, yesterday sucked. my boyfriend dumped me. on the phone. freakin' ridiculous. i flipped out...not to him. so, i did it again, kept on drinking. it wasn't a big deal. just some mike's. only a couple. i was really bummed. now i am angry. i have the worst luck with guys ever. i'm not trying to be like 'oh my god, he dumped me--what am i gonna do..." i'm not in middle school. i hate this. i don't know what i should do. i want to get out of here so bad. any ideas?

August 16, 2005
2:30 pm
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LthrNlace
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Sorry to hear things aren't going se well for you right now. Why can't you go to college? Who decided this? You are the only person that can decided that, you are an adult. College was the best time of my life, developed me into the person I am today, I say if you want to go, even for one class, go for it!! College is much different than high school and I know that if I could make it you definately can!!

As far as the guy thing, I can relate, I seem to repel the good ones and attract the ones that would only bring me down. Look at it as being a good thing right now, you have more time to focus on yourself and your life and what direction you want to take.

Sometimes its good to get away for a while, even for a day and get refreshed to handle life. Thats great you are doing the AmeriCorps program! I alwasy wanted to do that or the Peace Corps..maybe one day! Hope things start to look up for you.

August 16, 2005
6:49 pm
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silentears
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hey! thank you. my mother said she couldn't afford for me to go to college. it is just community college. i was tired of fighting so i just said i wouldn't go right now. maybe next quarter or year. we'll see. maybe it is good that ijust see how americorps goes anyway. i am excited for that. super excited for my trip. i got a voicemail from a friend that is driving me nuts. i'm just tired of the rudeness. if you're angry with me than fine, but when leaving messages that are rude....i'm not going to want to call back. make sense? anyway, so today i went over to the church. i was sober this time and chated with a friend. it was comforting for the moment. well, thanks for caring and checking in. i'm going to go and get a hold of a friend. go out for coffee maybe.

August 25, 2005
8:31 pm
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silentears
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so, i am in a pickle. i do not know what is going on. the other night i was with friend and we were at a party. i got drunk-not intentionally-it happened. it was social too, just having fun. i ended up sleeping with this guy i have a history with. not the best history with either. i was lying down and the next thing i know he is on me and we're making out. i am so half asleep and trying to set some boundaries the best i could. i told him i didn't want to have sex AT ALL and i think that we did just he didn't finish if you know what i mean. i ran out of the house and brokedown in the car outside. i don't know what to do and i have no one to talk to....HELP?!

August 25, 2005
8:46 pm
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Anonymous
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Hi silentears,

First of all, you are not alone. I've had similar situations (yes, the "s" is intentional...I wasn't very bright in my teens) and know many who have.

Regardless of how it started or how it ended...do you feel like you want to press charges? If so, you have every right...drunk or not. Do it now.

If you aren't ready for that, then, tell me more. How did the situation happen? Where were you laying down and how did he come to be in the room with you?

August 25, 2005
9:14 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi Silent and welcome.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I know how painful it is to feel violated.

I agree with toostrong, that what happened is a crime and you have every right to press charges. I know that sometimes people feel because they were drunk that it is their own fault, but I assure you that is not the case and I hope you know that.

What this person did is considered rape and you have every right to feel the way you do.

Do you mind if I ask how old you are? Why do you feel that you can't talk to anyone. Can you talk to your parents (even if you're 45 yrs.old, you can still talk to Mom), or to a close friend.

Even if you truly have no one to talk to, we are here for you and we will help you through this.

Good luck and keep posting.

Love,
Lolli

August 26, 2005
1:11 am
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silentears
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hey. i am 18 years old. so, story goes like this--what i can remember anyways. i had a few drinks. he wanted to leave because the place we were at there had been someone stealing stuff and he didn't want to risk losing anything. we went to his house. i was in his bed. laying flat on my back-almost out of it completely. yeah, so i didn't push him away, but i was also trying to sleep and well, he was on top of me, kissing me, it just progressed i guess. i don't remember much. just that i hurt for a day or two after. from laying on my back to sitting up hurt. i don't want to press charges-i almost did something like that with him before i couldn't handle it. can't talk to anyone because everything else in my life is falling apart. almost all friends of mine are moving or we're fighting and our friendship is ending. i am alone. i am hurt. i am scared and i don't know what to do.

i get my wisdom teeth pulled tomorrow so i may not be on in the next few days but please keep responding. it helps!

August 27, 2005
6:44 pm
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Hey Silent,

If you don't want to press charges on this guy, what about confronting him? It will help your healing process. Then, once you have said your peace, you never need to see him again.

I am concerned about your drinking, now that I see your prior posts. I drank a lot when I was your age too. I ended up sleeping with guys at parties even though I didn't really want to (I never actually said "no" to them because it all just happened before I realized what was going on and figured saying no was no longer an option.) Your drinking is a problem simply because it makes you do things you wouldn't normally do...get in to situations that are dangerous for you and for other people (I elude to driving under the influence here.) Allow yourself to be the wonderful person that you are and don't let alcohol call the shots. You're an adult now...you call the shots in your life and you are also responsible for your actions.

Take care of yourself. I admire you for joining AmeriCorps. How wonderful!

August 28, 2005
4:24 pm
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silentears
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i already wrote him a letter saying we're done. i'm done. i was drunk and it was hard to set boundaries when he was coming on to me. i don't know. i think i said what i had to say.

exactly what you said: it all happened before i realized what was going on. i am so lost. i've been in bed for 3 days now from my wisdom teeth. i can't eat anything normal!!! i'm so sick of pudding! so i'll write more later when i can.

August 28, 2005
9:04 pm
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Hey Silent,

Good for you! You're headed in the right direction. Honey, believe me, I know so well where you are right now. The only difference between you and me is that, at the time, it never occured to me that the guy did anything wrong. I figured since I was drunk and I didn't say "no" it was my doing. At least you know enough to (1) say no and (2) realize that the guy is the loser, not you.

And laying in bed has probably given you lots of sober time to think about your situation. Sorry that you're uncomfortable but it's at least good for your brain.

Feel better soon and write more when you can...the more you talk the better you'll feel. I'll check in when I can.

😉

August 29, 2005
4:29 pm
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silentears
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hey. thanks. today is the first day i've gotten up and moved around. i feel so weird though.

being drunk: my boundaries suck and it is still partially my fault. i could have left that situation and i didn't. i can't just blame him.

ok, i am about to go out with a friend and get a milkshake (i still can't eat or drink normally)! talk soon.

August 29, 2005
6:04 pm
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When you say, Silent, that you drank too much but that it was unintentional, accidental, it seems like you feel like the drinking, also, was a victimization of you.

We were traveling this past weekend. At one point, we passed a man on the freeway that was falling asleep at the wheel. In our rearviews we watched as he weaved his way back and forth in his lane, finally were very relieved that he'd taken the off-ramp. I hope he's OK. I asked my husband how much reponsibility he thought we had for others in a situation like that. I mean, we could have possibly done something (blasted the horn from a safer distance, for example, as surrounding traffic was not threatened). My h really didn't have an answer either.

We had a 70's reunion with outrageous old college group at a lake resort -- and it ended with a lazy boat ride after dark with the last 4 couples and mellow tunes. Only the driver, who was sober but wanted a little relief from his responsibility as "captain", gave over the wheel to my h, who was very fucked up (he holds his liquor well -- often only I know how really fucked up he is). Just for a bit, he said.....he just wanted to sit with his wife and enjoy the late night ride on the water. I was so unhappy. I was afraid for what could/might happen with a drunk at the wheel, feeling betrayed by our friends, who really didn't hear me when I said he shouldn't be driving....I didn't want to make a scene, so I bit my lip and kept my mouth shut (watched the surrounding water like a hawk) and felt exceedingly anxious until the driver finally took back the "helm" before docking.

I tried to brush it off, that "pitty-feeling-in-the-bottom-of-your-stomach" feeling.....I tried to just "let go" and have a good time , enjoy the ride.

BUT, I couldn't enjoy it anymore. My sensibilities just won't justify it anymore -- on the drive home I tried to ask my h again what he thought my responsibility in this case was, or, for that matter, what any one of our friends' culpability was (especially for brushing aside my feelings). I mean, there are people out there suing the bar owner or the party-giver where their beloved drunk got liquored up before he/she left to go kill themselves or someone else.

Of course, there's the classic "No one else puts that bottle to your lips" and that's the argument that no one else has any responsibility for anyone else's drinking too much.

Then I hear "Friends don't let friends drive drunk". Also a truth. It conjures up a bunch of goody-two-shoes control-freak parents painting slogans to protect their innocents.

Then there are parents who LET their underage kids drink at their own home because at least they are able to monitor it........more great logic.

I am so very sorry that you mis-judged how much alcohol you can handle before you feel sick or out of control and you cannot handle a situation. I am really angry at that young man whose twisted selfishness allowed him to think that he could force the issue with a drunken girl (FRIEND, right?).
Too strong is right -- it's happened to more women than just you. I blamed myself -- but moreso that creep who plotted the scene.

Please, for yourself, figure out where your tolerance for alcohol is, and keep yourself at that safe level. No one else has to know if you switch to something non-alcoholic mid-evening. There are lots of ways to keep something like this from ever happening again. So glad you let this guy know how appalling it was that he pushed this. You really have to trust yourself to protect yourself from situations like that. And you can.

And then work on ways to enjoy life without that alcohol/drug "enhancement".
It will all come clear again.

Milkshakes can be pretty good!!

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