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a woman with commitment issues
October 4, 2001
9:59 pm
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katemc
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Hello all. I hope someone out there can help me. I am a 25 year old female who suffers from both depression and anxiety/panic attacks. I am slowly overcoming this through therapy. However, when any man wants to have a serious relationship with me..I run. I have lots of offers but turn down almost all. There is one special man in my life as we speak. He is loved by all, is very thoughtful, gentle, kind, and I have opened up to him regarding my depression and relationship issues.However, (Not to get too personal) but..when we have sex, I am usually buzzed off a few glasses of wine. Before we go out, I take a xanax. Why am I so afraid? I care about him a lot and dream about him at night. I think about him during the day. I lost a friend in the World Trade bombing and I am/was very distraught. He was there for me emotionally as well. Am I trying too hard to fall in love? Or, am I thinking about it entirely too much. I have told my counselor since day one that these issues bother me. When i told her that I have actually given this guy a few months...she applauded me. Also, sometimes when I think of him I get an anxiety attack. Anyone out there...please respond. I really need some help.

October 4, 2001
10:59 pm
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SuzyQ
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Wow Katemc,
This totally hit home for me. I also have relationship/commitment issues. I also have a dx. of mild depression, anxiety and have MVP. Like you, I have also turned down many offers. I am in my 30's but am still petite and (I work at a H.S.) my coworkers say I look like a student. I have distorted self-esteem issues about my looks and tend to base some things on what others say to escape my negative reality.
I generally have to have a few drinks to calm down with a guy also (though it's been awhile).
I am so sorry you lost someone in the bombing. My sister had worked there at one time and we were at the restaurant a little over a year ago. It has to be so hard, damn it!
Let me ask you this...have you ever been mistreated sexually or otherwise whether in childhood or adulthood? As tender as this topic is, it can be something to look at when having relationship problems. Just some feedback that's meant to be harmless. Good luck and respond when you feel comfortable.

October 5, 2001
12:21 am
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katemc
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Oh Suzy Q! I am so glad that I am not alone! It is usually the man who bails out on women. My parents were divorced when I was 4 and my sister was 9. Naturally she remembers everything however, in counseling I discovered that I had been slightly mistreated as a kid. There are many situations that made me uncomfortable as a kid, none that are too damaging. (maybe in a private e-mail I will tell you) I just don't know what my deal is. Perhaps,mine as well as yours, has to do with self esteem problems. According to my friends I am very funny,loveable and attractive,but that means crap if I don't feel that way. As for you, so what if you are in your 30's. Listen, my best friend is 34 and single. Let me tell you, she is a knockout and has a great personality but has zippo luck with men. I have a lot of single friends in their 30's but most become too clingy and men run. And, they all are very youthful as well as you.But, I want to get past this. Marrage and children are always something I dreamed of as a kid, however, nowadays I panic at the thought of it. Why oh why? Is there any help? SuzyQ? I am so glad you can relate. Have YOU been hurt by a man in the past? Have you always had this commitment issue? Thank you for your sympathy regarding my friend. I miss him tremendously. He was on the 98th floor in tower 1 and his father was on the 94th. Neither have been found. Everyone is devastated! I am so angry and saddened that this happened (along with everyone in the USA) I have a picture of him on my desk as a constant reminder as to what a special person he was. Wow! I think I just talked your ear off. Suzy, or anyone else who can relate to us, please respond. I am desperate to overcome my fear of commitment.

October 5, 2001
1:03 pm
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Molly
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There are so many emotions that you are going through, I am so sorry.
That desperate need of acceptance, fear of rejection or abandonment could be at the root of the situation.
Buttttttt your chemical cocktail before going out, is a really bad habit to get into, you could get schnockered, and have a good time and not remember it, then talk about anxiety. I can relate to trying to loosen up, but then how will you feel later? Will this become a routine? Xanex is such a highly addictive drug, which is why it works so well, for so many. Is fear of committment really what is going on? Its almost like a catch 22 situation for you, could you work out or something then have a glass of wine, or just start a taper and see how it feels to go out with half the pill? if you never try to experience with out all the chemical support, how will you ever really get through it? Its hard I know, and don't think I am telling you to stop Xanex, you are working through some real issues, and need to taper your dosage with your MD, so be gentle to your self. Start the date thing slow, like a coffee break or lunch hour, baby steps. Diner dating has to many inferred issues after dinner.

October 5, 2001
9:28 pm
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SuzyQ
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KateMc,
No, you are definitely not alone. With me, I am only committed with men who won't commit. The ones who want to, I find something wrong with.

Believe it or not, I'm a therapist as well!!

I don't know if this is the way it is for you. I feel threatened when a guy has his sh** together, but feel the need to "take care" of the ones who don't. My own therapist gave me a reality check a few weeks ago about this when I didn't even realize what I was saying or doing. YIKES-reality can be extremely sobering. At least I know what I'm doing now. In general, I don't tend to have commitment issues, only in intimate relationships.

KateMc, I'm sorry you were mistreated (even slightly) as a child. I've had some stuff happen too. I'm finally realizing the impact. I can see this in clients miles away, but can't see my own issues a centimeter away. Hey, write back and maybe we can email about this stuff at some point.

Molly is definitely right about the Xanax. It is a controlled substance (like Valium), and if you have addiction issues it's not a good thing. It is generally prescribed for temporary anxiety attacks. I'm guessing that's how you obtained the prescription. I have a few different heart Dx's. The ER gave me Xanax (several years ago) just to calm me down and send me home. They dx me with anxiety reaction, but since I was 11 I have had a few minor heart conditions and my more recent Echo also revealed this.
Talk to you all later! 🙂

October 5, 2001
10:04 pm
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damaged
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I can relate to most of this stuff. I do not like to make a committment. Me and my girlfriend just broke up and she just stared having a relationship with someone else. I still can't pin point how I feel about this but at the same time I can't say I'll be with you the rest of my life either.
So she is out on a Friday night and here I set feeling sorry for myself. She even invited me to go with them tonight. So then I go right to the if I went out I would need to have a few drinks. It really hadn't dawned on me that I haven't been out since I stoped drinking. Going out like around other people I don't know.
I don't think I ever dated or was with anyone without alcohol.

KateMc I am so sorry for the lose of your friend. I just pray for everyone in New York and all over.

SuzyQ I wounder why you don't want to go out with a guy that has all his sh*t together. My ex is the "take care" kind of person. We are not official together but she is still taking care of me and I am not at a point I want to let all of that go.

October 6, 2001
12:31 am
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SuzyQ
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Damaged,
I'm sorry you're relationship didn't work out. However, you might need to move on. It sounds like you have had some bad breaks and none of us are perfect. Damn it I'm a therapist and a perfectionist and still have issues with relationships, codependency and alcohol. I have never been addicted to cigarettes (does that count??)
Damaged (it's difficult for me to call you this, but...), I don't honestly know what my reason is for seeking out the people who "need help" and being threatened by the ones who are probably good for me. My therapist gave me that rude awakening a few wks ago. I think I qualify as a codependent.
Anyway, I feel bad about you losing your g/f and you have the right to grieve this loss, but at some point it will get better and believe it or not, you will be able to move on.
Good Luck with everything!!

October 6, 2001
12:36 am
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SuzyQ
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Damaged,
I'm concerned about you because I looked on other threads and know your habits. Please write to say that you're ok. I've done those things in the past too.

October 6, 2001
9:43 am
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damaged
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SuzyQ
It seems like you and I have a lot of bad habits in common. However, I am not a therapist. I am just plain jan.
I didn't do anything stupied last night. I haven't in awhile even though its on my mind alot. The last time I went through it I was really going to fuc& myself up good. Now I sit and wonder why I could do something so dumm. Anyway thats beside the point. I just don't know what it is.
You know it's not like I just lost my lover she was my best friend for many years. I am the one who wanted the relationship to be over. I am the one that wanted a open relationship. Now that she has jumped in bed with someone else its hard. I have a co-worker that is coming on to me and I just don't think I want to go there. Maybe because she isn't the one I realy want. Life is so full of it!!!
But I can say I have been enjoying it much better. Thanks SQ

October 6, 2001
4:13 pm
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katemc
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Hi SuzyQ, Molly, and damaged! Thanks for all of your input! I think that part of my problem is the fact that I will lose all my independence if I am in a serious relationship. I fear becoming too close to a man. As far a my alcohol and Xanax issue...it seems to be the only thing to get me through the day. I am going to write later, my sister is looking over my shoulder.

October 7, 2001
12:17 am
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damaged
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katmc
I used alcohol for many years to get through it. I drank for any reason. But in the end I damn well lost my son and I could of lost my life. The one thing I have learned is if I face things sober, I can learn from my experiences. I like myself better now. I know the dissions I make today are dessions I made and not my drunk personilty. Maybe you think you don't drink to much just enough it get the edge off but just give it some time. One or two will not take the edge off anymore. One thing I have learned is my addiction is not so much alcohol. My addiction is MORE!!! So if I came off sounding like a damn preacher I am sorry, becase I hate to be preached at. I just hate to see people go down the same drinking road I just got off of. Yes I know we all have to learn our own lessions.

October 8, 2001
12:00 am
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katemc
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Hi damaged and the rest of the gang...I feel like I don't face life and my committment issues head on. I am on three medications for anxiety/depression, and I have a few glasses of wine while I am with my new boyfriend. If we aren't in a drinking environment, I take a Xanax because I start to panic. If neither is attainable, I get severe panic attacks. One would never know by looking at me that I suffer from this. I have a million friends, a wonderful family, decent job, and a man who honestly cares about me. I fear that I will hurt him rather them him leaving me. I am afraid I will run away from him. I can't figure out why relationships with men on an intiment level is so difficult. Molly, I've tried to cut back on the xanax and the wine drinking but it doesn't help. The Xanax doesn't even work for me anymore. I think it is mind over matter now. I was celebrating my 25th birthday the other night at a friends house. I was surrounded by a lot of wonderful people who went out of their way to make the night nice for me. My new boyfriend was there as well, and I stepped out on the porch to cry. I was fearing that I might go through another depression that will last for a month as I did in July. F.Y.I....that was the worst experience of my life. If I ever have to experience that again, I don't think I will make it out alive this time. I warned Brian (my boyfriend) of this and he assured me that he'll be there for me no matter what. Part of me feels guilty for ever even having the conversation with him...why should he be burdoned? SuzyQ, you mentioned exchanging e-mail addresses. I am up for it if you are. This site is a God sent for me because I have 3 wonderful people responding to me in a positive way. Perhaps, we could all help eachother out. Please keep this going because I look forward to check in each day. Hope to hear from you all soon.

October 8, 2001
9:48 am
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damaged
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I also couldn't go any where unless it was in a enviorment with alcohol. Last night I went out with someone just for a couple of hours and I was amazed how I handled the situation with out alcohol. I actually enjoyed myself. I have never had panic attackes so I can't really relate to that. I am also on medication for depression.
I know what you mean about not feeling like you won't make it out alive. If I start to drink I don't know if I will make it out alive. Thats kind of a scary thing. I am the kind of person if someone tells me I can't do something I'll be damn if I don't find away to do it. But I am taking my sobrity very seriously.
katems I hope you find the answers and help you need. It suxs to live life being scared.

October 10, 2001
9:59 pm
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katemc
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You are right damaged. I fear life more than death. The other day was my Birthday and I drank until I passed out! I am on three medications for anxiety/depression and the m.d said to absolutely stay away from drinking. I kept up my end of the bargan for only 1 week. My depression overewhelms me.

October 11, 2001
1:29 am
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damaged
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Yep as soon as someone tells me not to do something there I go. One time my counselors said no cutting for seven days so I didn't. But I got drunk and burned the hell out of my arm on top of the stove. I guess that is depression. I wish I could drink but next time it could be the shot gun or something. I wouldn't put that passed me in a min in a black out. So that is one reason I am working so hard to stay sober and learn what causes me to hurt myself. To day I can say hey damaged I kind of like you. You are kind of alright.
And maybe someday you might became something special. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up but I have a feeling I am going to like it.

October 11, 2001
12:13 pm
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katemc
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Hey damaged, I like you too! We all hurt but will we ever find the root to our problem? I used to cut my arms,legs,and face when I was in highschool. Then I used to pull out my eyelashes and hair. I am better these days, however, I still drink. I just hope that you continue to stay sober. these black outs you mentioned concern me. JUst keep writing! That alone is therapy!

October 13, 2001
8:57 pm
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SuzyQ
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KateMc,
How were you able to stop the self-abuse? Is this solely related to drinking? Or have you found alternative ways of dealing with anxiety other than sa. I give you a lot of credit because I know many people who can't stop doing those things. I would like to exchange addresses but am not certain how to do this on this site.

Damaged,
Congratulations on your new attitude! I'm glad you are liking yourself these days. I kind of understand the struggle myself. Keep it up!!

October 15, 2001
12:02 am
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katemc
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Hi SuzyQ! I thought you have forgotton all about me! The self abuse I never really stopped. It went from one thing to the next. first it was the eyelashes, then the cutting, then the drinking. So, don't give me all that much credit!:)As far as e-mail, I don't mind if it's posted. It appears that you and damaged are the only 2 who come to this site anyway. It's [email protected]. This way we can communicate in more detail if you'd like. I will keep everything between you and I. No one has access to my e-mail except for myself. By the way, my new boyfriend told me that I am his favorite person in the world. It made me feel so good but......I'M scared!! What do u think?
Damaged.......how are you doing these days? E-mail me if you'd like. I hope you guys are doing well.

October 18, 2001
11:53 pm
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SuzyQ
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Hi Katemc,
I just sent you an email. I'm happy that you feel good about this guy. I am scared about you putting yourself in danger as far as the drinking and med combos. I can totally relate though. Happy much belated b-day and let me know if you didn't get my email. Take Care!

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