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A touchy situation... could use some advise.
October 16, 2006
9:08 pm
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Isis
Massachusetts
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One of my daughters best girlfriends is having a birthday get-together this coming weekend. She's invited a group of girls, all of whom have been friends for quite some time to go up to her grandparents home at the lake in NH. The girls parents are divorced, so they will be travelling north with the mom and her boyfriend. Not really an issue as I know both of them and like them just fine. The girls are excited and looking forward to going. Sounds pretty benign, huh? I wish. Here's the issue.

The girls mom has a drinking problem. About a month ago, she took the same group of girls to our local HS football game. They had to travel to Boston as it was an away game. The mom's BF was also with them at the time. Well, needless to say, the mom had a few too many, was driving a large SUV, and ended up having a fender-bender in the stadium parking lot. No damage was done, but the other party was not around, so I don't think they were ever even aware of the incident. So they go in and watch the game and when it's time to leave, the mom is walking down some stairs and falls flat on her face. All the while the girls are present, and making a fuss over her. The BF picks her up and carries her back to the car and proceeds to drive them all home. The mom is crying, is all banged up, and has everyone feeling sorry for her. I don't even think the girls knew what was really going on- that she had been drinking (except of course her own daughter). On the way home, my daughter calls from her cell phone to ask if she can sleep over. She says the mom twisted her ankle at the game and it would be easier if they drove straight home. I said no- as she had a hockey game early the next day. So, she came home and not much else was said.

Until a week later, when the girls were all planning to go shopping and get their nails done. (My daughter couldn't go as she had a practice to attend) Again, the same mom is offering to drive, take them to dinner etc. Well, she shows up at the first girls house and low and behold, she's visibly intoxicated. The mom of the girl she's picking up refuses to let her daughter get in the car and drive with her. UNDERSTANDABLY SO! So, she drives off and proceeds to the next girls house and the same thing happens. Her poor daughter is beside herself crying now and the mother is yelling at her to shut-up, telling her that everyone is picking on her and that they don't know what the hell they're talking about. So they drive home and my daughter's friend calls her grandmother to come over to help out with mom.

We live in a small town and needless to say, word got around real fast. I just don't know how to handle this situation. This is one of my daughters closest friends. She spent a good part of the summer with us at our vacation home up north and truly is a joy to be around- a genuine doll. I had this gut feeling that something was up with the mom, I just couldn't put my finger on it. There is NO WAY IN HELL that I would EVER let my precious baby girl get in a car with her ever again! I just don't know how to present this to her friend and her mom. The co-dependant part of me wants to give her all sorts of advice to help her and rescue her daughter from this awful situation. However, the more rational side of me knows that is not what I should do. I don't want to distance myself or my daughter for her daughters sake. My God- I love her as if she were one of my own.

October 16, 2006
10:28 pm
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doubleloss
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yep, it's touchy. My mom would NOT let me go, that is for sure.

Anyway you can tag along? Offer to drive? could you talk to your daughter's friend about it? It would be fun too! and you can see what really goes on. If anything happened you would never forgive yourself, better to have a run in with your daughter than a tragedy.

October 16, 2006
10:29 pm
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Robert123
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Just because you set a boundary about allowing your daughter to ever ride with this girls mom again doesn't mean the two girls can't still be friends. It just has to be a friendship under those terms. Maybe you will have to be doing the driving. It would be a good model for the other girl to see.

October 16, 2006
10:34 pm
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doubleloss
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i meant...to your daugheters friend's MOM?

October 16, 2006
10:38 pm
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lovetocrochet
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As a Mom of a teenage girl myself, I would definitely not let her go anywhere in a vehicle with that mother. She is way too dangerous, and if it means she is the shame of the whole town, too bad. She's got a serious alcohol problem and addictions are the one place where you cannot coddle the person with the problem.

Also, aren't there laws that would implicate the boyfriend if she got caught driving drunk? If that's true it might do him good to be let in on this, because if she kills someone (or rather when from what you say), he's going to be in for a major shock if he gets thrown behind bars for not stopping her from committing vehicular manslaughter on a DUI.

I also believe there's no reason these girls can't be friends. In fact your daughter might be one of the few links this other girl has to sanity. She definitely isn't getting it at home.

I think the offer to drive your daughter back and forth if possible on your own is a good idea. If it's not doable your daughter may have to miss out on this time, but it doesn't mean you can't schedule something special for them to do together another time to make up for it.

October 16, 2006
10:41 pm
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Zinnie
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Can you perhaps contact the boyfriend and find out if he will be driving?

Perhaps tell him that you will not allow your daughter to go unless he is the driver.

If he isn't and you cannot take your child up there, then sadly she will have to miss out. You might try to explain to your daughters friend that it is not her, in no way shape or form, but, you cannot allow your child - and you in all honestly would prefer that she herself not ride in the car with her mother when drinking.

October 16, 2006
10:49 pm
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lovetocrochet
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Hate to say it but I wouldn't trust the boyfriend's word either. He sounds very enabling, it's possible he'll promise to be the designated driver but only until Mom gets nasty after a few drinks and haggles him into losing his spine and letting her behind the wheel again.

Just offering my perspective as a daughter, and former daughter-in-law, of alcoholics...

October 16, 2006
11:02 pm
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Isis
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LTC, Robt $ DL

Thanks for the response. I agree, and do not plan to ever let her ride in the same car with her again. It's a no-brainer- I would never be able to live with myself if anything ever happened. It's bad enough that she's already been in such a situation.

It's unfortunate for her that the word has gotten around, however, at least folks know now and can protect their children and avoid a potential tragedy.

I had a talk with my daughter after I posted, and suggested that perhaps we could take her girlfriend out to a special dinner for her birthday, and have her mom come along too. She liked the idea, and will ask her tomorrow at school.

As far as the mom is concerned, I would like to tell her my thoughts on the situation, however, I don't want to jeopardize our daughters relationship. And like you said, I think it's important for her to have a link on the outside- for whatever reason.

As I said before, the co-dependent me wants so badly to fix everything and make it better.

October 23, 2006
11:02 am
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littlejohn
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i dont know what to say i have so mmuch and so little time to type it .

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