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A three-sum?!?!
February 21, 2005
6:06 pm
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woundedspirit
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For anyone who knows my story, Im trying hard to get over an ex that Im honestly still hooked on. I met a new guy a few months ago just looking for a friend and was surprised we hit it off so well. We hang out and now kiss but thats all. He wants to date but Ive been taking it really slow and being honest about my feelings and struggles with my ex. (been back and forth with the ex, still hoping) Im getting closer to the new guy and was starting to feel that maybe we could be a good match and start fresh. He seems honest and I actually trust him. Went through the same bs with his ex so actually understands how I feel about things and my frusterations and hurts. Feels the same as I do on important issues like opposite sex friends adn boundaries. But then last night...WHAM!! Smacked me upside the head with the news that he and his ex were really into three-sums (with her or mutual friends)AND he is kinda a sex addict. I was so disappointed because he has not pressured me at all for sex and I was really happy about that. Ive never done the three-sum thing before and think, while maybe it would be ok and fun with just friends, not sure I could handle it with soemone I love. I mean, if I had a hard time being comfortable with my ex hanging out with other women "friends" going to movies etc, how could I watch a boyfriend have sex with someone else?? Even though a big part of my problem with the ex was his lying about them and what he was doing and not letting me meet them. I mean, obviously with the new guy, if we were having sex with someone else I would know her and it would not be secret. Im not sure if I should RUN or stay friends or what. I wonder now, my ex always says all guys will have female friends they will want to hang out with so I just need to get used to it or Ill never be happy with anyone. Now I wonder if hes right in one form or another. Atleast he was just hanging out with them (he believes as long as he's not havign sex, I shouldnt care what else they do as "friends" and shouldnt need to meet them etc") Which would be worse? Having friends going to movies and not telling me about it but not having sex? Or having sex with me and another woman out in the open?

February 21, 2005
7:03 pm
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woundedspirit
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wow! I thought that title would pike peoples interest! Anybody here?

February 21, 2005
7:09 pm
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sewunique
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Sorry, wounded, everyone was on confused thread.

Okay. This relationship????????????????

RUN!!!!!!! This is a 5 red flags!!!!!

Run, don't walk get out now....you've already been fooled from the beginning.read your post..Run

February 21, 2005
7:12 pm
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woundedspirit
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Thanks Sew...Im still feeling he's honest with me. This was just the first time that topic has come up so not like he's lied about it. He still agrees with how I feel on not hanging out with opposite sex friends without the other etc. I dont know. Its tough and Im just so disappointed.

February 21, 2005
7:20 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi Wounded: A 3 some is not something I would be interested in, but dif stokes for dif folks. I think it would be hard to have a love relationship w/ someone who likes that. The sex wouldn't be making love, it would be sex. Period. Would mean nothing more than that. If admits he's a sex addict then I agree w/ Sew. Run and don't look back. Sex addiction is like any other addiction and they reach a tolerance level and have to find ways to increase the high. Sex to a sex addict is nothing more than sex- ever. They don't have the capacity to relate to it as a loving and nurturing experience. I guess it depends on what you are ultimately looking for, and what you're willing to accept. I'd keep looking if I were you.

February 21, 2005
7:23 pm
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sewunique
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I know, but come on.............a three some and he admits he is a sex addict? But you are asking a gal who doesn't not do threesomes, so I cannot impose my values onto anyone else.

But the sex addict is a real problem and everyone here who has been in that situation is having big time problems or getting out of that realtionship. Why not Google about sex addicts and glean some information for yourself and then you can run.

This is a new freindship that I personally would drop. Make another new friend. What a hornet's nest this one is.

My best to you,

Sew

February 21, 2005
7:33 pm
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woundedspirit
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Yeah, I wonder what exactly he means about being a sex addict. He said he likes to have sex alot when he is in a relationship. But yeah, that makes sense that its just sex. I mean, I could go to any bar and find just sex if thats what I wanted. Im definitely not that kind of person. I do want intimacy. and your right. There cant be intimicay with someone else in the equation. I wonder how much he means he likes someone else involved. Or if it really is that important to him. He said he liked it and thought everyone should try it. I guess we didnt really talk about if he really needed it or is ok without it also. Maybe it was just something they did and liked but not necessarily something he cant live without.

February 21, 2005
7:43 pm
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sdesigns
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My ex is a sex addict and believe me, it is a terrible thing to deal with. And sex to a woman is so different than to a man. It really turns into a degrading experience. My attitudes towards sex have changed tremendously- I am much more sensitive now, after being treated like nothing more than a piece of meat. Talk about your self esteeem being damaged. If you are looking for intimacy, you are not going to get it w/ a sex addict. He may "act" intimate to get what he wants, but its all part of a manipulation to feed his needs and addiction. I wonder if he would like it w/ you and another guy?

February 21, 2005
7:48 pm
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sewunique
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wounded,

you are talking yourself into questioning this???/ I hear it in your words. Please, listen to SD, and take our hands and RUN away, now. That's all I can say.

Be safe.

Sew

February 21, 2005
7:56 pm
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woundedspirit
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That is a good point. I dont want a serious relationship with someone who is into that. My ex thought it was disgusting. Believe it or not. For all his flaws. Ill have to talk alittle more with him for clarification I suppose. and keep it on the friends level. What a bummer! Im still so stuck on my ex anyway but I thought it might help. I liked him so much! And we hit it off so well :0( Bummer

February 21, 2005
8:18 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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woundedspirit -

I can't impose my opinions or feelings about a three-some on you, but I know that if a guy approached me with a request like that - I would run and never turn back.

I personally can't see how anyone (male or female) can actually have a one on one relationship with someone if they are out there having sex with other people. So unless you're into casual sex and you're not looking for a serious relationship - I'd say walk away.

February 21, 2005
9:16 pm
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This guy disclosing the fact that he is a "sex addict" to a woman he is already involved or about to be committed to is one thing... combining that disclosure with a request or strong suggestion that she join him in a three-some is another. He's not even TRYING to sound like he's going to be sensitive about this (as if one can be).

It's similar to those self-proclaimed jerks- going "Yeah, I know I'm a jerk," because they think it will excuse all the offensive actions tht follow that statement.

Can't say he didn't warn you in a way. With all the disappointments that relationships can sometimes bring, you really want to divide what that man has to offer in 1/2? Cause you'll wind up getting much less.

You deserve more. How couldn't you?

-ella

February 21, 2005
11:12 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Well, if he's an anything addict that's potentially a lot of trouble. It means that consciousness, and intentionality and morality and GOOD BEHAVIOR are compromised by addiction.

So it depends what he means. Many women claim to be "choco-holics" when really, they just like chocolate.

Men are notorious for our high sex drives and how they allow us to make stupid choices.

As far as the 3-some thing goes, he may be in his way just telling you that he like em, so that you aren't surprised later. It's good for people to hook up with people who have compatible kinks. OR at least who aren't hotile to each other's kinks.

That being said, even Dan Savage says that 3-somes are pretty darn high on the kinky scale. Most people just don't have the mind or the heart to do it without ensueing disaster. Amybe if more of us grew up with 2 daddies and a mommy, or 2 mommies and a daddy (and believe me, some people do), it wouldn't be so freaking volatile and problematic. But here and now, most people not only dont want it but cant handle it.

Personally, I wouldn't dream of trying a 3-some out unless all three people had a deep affection for each other. Swingers can do purely recreational sex, I can't. I'm just getting iffy about the prospect of 2-somes.

Anyway, just set your limits and boundaries with the guy, and insist that he respect you. Protect yourself.

And get clearer on the "addict" thing before you get closer.

February 21, 2005
11:33 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Woundedspirit:

RUN, run as fast and far as you can. You just got rid of one problem, why ask for another?

My 2 cents

February 22, 2005
12:43 am
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woundedspirit
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Thank you all. After alot of thought I do agree. I mean, I do want INTIMACY!! Great sex with variety is one thing with someone you love but...you really cant have intimacy with someone else in the picture. I will get alittle clarification though as I think I owe him that much. As Worried Dad said...men have a notiorious high sex drive and just because a woman says she is "addicted" to chocolate...may be the same kind of thing. The mere fact that he has had three sums with his ex is one thing but...if he wants to continue having them...thats quite another. Im so thankful I was taking it so slow and cautious and kept things on the friend level. He's still a fun guy to hang out with but I dont have an emotional bond at all and dont think I ever could knowing that about him now.

February 22, 2005
12:48 am
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woundedspirit
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On the same topic though...I have mentioned in other threads before that my ex husband and I were junior high sweethearts and together 15 years. Ive only dated one other guy and that was for 3 years. Only since we broke up 8 months ago did I start "going out" without a boyfriend. Ive not slept with anyone else at all but Im constantly surprised at how often I get the offer by couples to join them. I was soooo shocked at first!! Totally naive!! I never wanted to play the dating game but I had no idea it was like that!! One...Im 33 and Im always told I look 22 or 23. So its younger couples that are more open who are often approaching me. Its seems to be totally accepted and actually popular in the younger crowd. (this guy is 26) Anybody younger in here notice that? Or do I have a neon sign "EASY" on my forehead? Honestly I cant figure out why people approach me with that because, though I dress young, I dont dress sleezy. Though Im friendly and easy to talk to, I dont consider myself a flirt. Certainly not encouraging it. It still freaks me out.

February 22, 2005
2:21 am
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sewunique
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Hi there,

I just wanted to point out a post that might interest you if you have not read it or all of it. It is:

Great man, but he can't be faithful

Now there are tons of real life situaltions just like this wonderful friend you are talking about. Hope that thread helps, sweetie. you derserve so much more and you are in a very vunerlable situation with yur rectnt break up. Take care of yurself and keep posted to let us know how you're coping with this!

(((hugs)))

Sew

February 22, 2005
6:26 am
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CAMER
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run run run.....already admitting he is a sex "addict" is not good, just like WD said, anything addict is not good. Plus no intimacy, just plain raw sex, is that what you really want???

February 22, 2005
6:19 pm
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woundedspirit
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NO...Definitely not what I want. I definitely so badly want the intimacy. Good friend to hang out with but thats where I'll keep it! :0) Thank you all!

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