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a setback- need support P&L
September 6, 2006
8:09 pm
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I have been reading this book called "The Betrayal Bond" and it is really disturbing. I was so betrayed this year. I trusted someone who betrayed me when he knew I was most vulnerable. Then those who were to protect me, had me believing they would, only to help the betrayer cover things up.

I survived, but now, I realize why I kept saying I felt like a hostage. It was all so classic. I was treated like a hostage, and I fell for it.

I am disturbed by it. I am so angry.

September 6, 2006
8:20 pm
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Hi P&L:

You have a right to be angry. You were hurt.

You have no blame. You trusted people that you believed were trustworthy and whom you believed would support you.

What is disturbing you?

M&S

September 6, 2006
8:23 pm
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M&S

I am so glad you are here.

Can you stay a bit? If so, I will write more.

P&L

September 6, 2006
8:38 pm
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I am here.

September 6, 2006
8:50 pm
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(((P&L))) Whats getting to you? Maybe you fell for the role, what does taht make you? A human. Im gonna be here a bit, too. I may just get too concentrated on my work but Ill check back.

September 6, 2006
8:57 pm
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P&L, You have every right to be disturbed, upset and hurt by the betrayal you have experienced. I would be more worried about you if you were not.

So now what? Feel the hurt, feel the betrayal and move on. Don't let this anger rule your life. (I know, it's easier said than done.) You did nothing wrong, don't punish yourself for what others have done to you. You did nothing wrong. Hold that head high!

September 6, 2006
9:10 pm
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thanks everyone.

This book describes what I experienced...why I felt like a hostage...the tactics that were taken toward me. The betrayal. I experienced the "high warmth-low intention" relationship. He tried betrayal by seduction from the beginning. He would try to touch me and act like he liked me, and I never understood where he was going with it. I said he was flirting. I said it wasn't a good idea. Nothing ever materialized, and he found out I was dating other people, and really turned on me. He used betrayal be terror. The others who were to protect me, used "betrayal by seduction," by hooking me into having me believe they were ethical. All of them kept asking if I trusted them. The main one, would yell and swear and then tell me it was my fault cuz I did not trust him since the crime.

I just don't know if reading this is good for me, because I feel like I am going backwards, yet I feel if I don't read it, I will end up being another Patty Hearst. I feel like I cannot trust anyone, but I have been too trusting. Every man reminds me of the bad men in my life this past year.

I was doing better. I processed it all already. Now, I am processing it on a different level. I don't know if I should go there. It feels to close to the harsh truth. It feels like I let it happen.

September 6, 2006
9:20 pm
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After I left my xh, he sent me a book called I will never leave you. I could not read to this day because it made cry so much. Every page was a reminder of unfulfilled promises. I dont get why I was sent the book. Maybe it was a way of xh revealing himself and asking me to be an accomplice and pretend... oh, never mind. Some books are best to be kept unread. Maybe later itll be a better timing? Im pretty sure theres no vital info for your life in it that cant wait. I think you sense that.

Healing takes time. It doesnt mean one is not growing. I hope you can trust your trusting feelings again. Sometimes we tend to be very rational, others we are pure emotion. You have a good mind/heart balance to build your trust on, have faith!

September 6, 2006
9:26 pm
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P&L,

Perhaps the abuse is too fresh for you to read the book. So put it down and let some time pass before reading it.

Perhaps you need some counseling about this incident. You have experienced another trauma and it may have been compounded by your recent victimization by crime. I think you also mentioned PTSD.

NO, YOU DID NOT LET IT HAPPEN. You trusted. You are NOT to blame. Your radar wires were snipped, as Carnes says. You may have been more vulnerable at work because you were not expecting exploitaton in that setting and you were confused by inappropriate behavior.

You saw on another thread that others were having trouble reading material that was disturbing to them and which they could relate to. It seems you are having the same reaction.

Put it aside for now and get some help. Note the first story of the girl in the office that was propositioned. She suffered from a one-time proposition in her bosses office. You have endured a sustained hostile atmosphere.

Take it easy and know for sure that you were not to blame for what happened.

M&S

September 6, 2006
9:37 pm
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P&L

Perhaps you should skip everything for now except the section on recovery from pp.197 to the end only.

That is the section from which I originally quoted from.

You don't need to relive the abuse right now. But it may be useful to have some of the ideas to protect yourself and to shore up some of those weaker areas in your defenses.

Take a look at that part and see if it disturbs you. If it does also, put the book aside for now.

M&S

September 6, 2006
9:40 pm
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M&S

The sick thing is, I cannot put it down. It IS what happened. IT is true.

I don't want to be that impressionable ever again. Before it ever happens, I feel I must recognize it.

I don't like therapy. I don't trust it. It is an art, not a science. All my friends are therapists. In all these years, I would only trust my mind with one or two of them. I know the approaches. I am not a good client. I only want an existential/interpersonal therapist. I know of one I was considering, but now with coda, I am not sure anymore I want what I thought in a therapist. The truth of this book might just get me to go.

The sick thing is, I cannot revist what happened, but I can't out this book down, because I don't want it to happen EVER AGAIN. Maybe i will just get through it and get it over with and work on the PTSD stuff. I will be ripe for the PTSD stuff then.

September 6, 2006
9:45 pm
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M&S, but I DID let it happen. Just like Patty Hearst let hers happen. She didn't mean for it to happen, but she was perfectly vulnerable. I did not recognize the tactics. I just knew it all felt wrong. Yes, I was innocent, but I can let it NOT happen again. I don't have to fall for it.

Just like my out of town guy, he may be high warmth and low intentions. I feel something is not quite right. Remember the days when fathers asked suiters, "what are your intentions, young man?" Why don't guys have to tell us their intentions. I have a right to an honest answer that feel right. I have a right to ask. If someone asked me, I would answer honestly, darnit, even if I wasn't sure yet. I would just say. I think I want to get to know you better.

I am not getting set up ever again.

September 6, 2006
9:46 pm
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P&L

It is a powerful book. Carnes is excellent.

I agree it is a good idea to recognize such people, but it may not be the most opportune time for you to slug through the text.

You have been violated and you may need to heal somewhat before you go through something that is affecting you so powerfully.

I am not suggesting psychotherapy. I think you may do well to talk to a trauma specialist to talk about what happened and put things in perspective, yes PTSD.

Let the book go tonight. Sometimes your drive is not an aid to you.

M&S

September 6, 2006
9:49 pm
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LOL, my drive? HAHA! My drive is the secret to my success, my dear. My drive brought me fame in my field. You know me tooo well.

Too bad I cannot be driven to clean up my office.

What the heck is a trauma specialist and where do I find one?

P&L

September 6, 2006
9:51 pm
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P&L:

Patty Hearst was kidnapped and then brain washed and violently abused.

You were conned. Big difference.

No, you can't let it happen again. And you won't. You will learn and be better equipped.

For your out of town guy, if you gut is telling you there is something wrong, listen. I just read How to Spot a Dangerous Man, which someone recommended. It was a wake up call.

But you know, reading all these terrible things also makes one even more jumpy. Every case is different.

I hope that you will seek some help for the PTSD. It seems that may have aggravated the office betrayal and your reaction to it.

Thinking of you.

M&S

September 6, 2006
9:53 pm
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and the stangest thing was I saw one of my medical doctors today who knows what has gone on, and she said, "you look better than I have seen you in so long, you are smiling and look relieved. What happened?" It is true, I am a lot better than I was since the decision was made, and since we discovered one of the medications I was taking for my chronic illness was causing depression, not the crime itself. I stopped crying. I am just angry and in the zone right now, I am not even sure what it is...not really depression...more confusion.

September 6, 2006
9:59 pm
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P&L:

Since you have so many friends that are therapists, perhaps you could ask for a referral for someone that deals with the aftermath of violence, e.g., domestic abuse, political terror, rape, hostages, war, crime.

A clean office is overrated.

M&S

ps: Another useful book is Trauma & Recovery by Judith Herman, MD

September 6, 2006
10:00 pm
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P&L:

You have a lot of layers to deal with. I am sure the decision was a relief.

Take care of yourself.

M&S

September 6, 2006
10:03 pm
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I think M&S is right...

P&L, sorry if I sound preachy. People go to therapists / specialists out of town if they dont find professionals in tehir town or for privacy issues. It must be because they can afford to and because there are professional arrangements / treatments that work. You shouldnt try to face things alone. Having someone in the flesh to talk to regularly can be good for you. Trust your gut on choosing a professional but just dont try / expect to have all issues resolved. Some professionals are good... for some things... I think your idea of the PSTD therapy is a good one.

Remember, too, youre not the one who was, I repeat, w a s betrayed. Maybe career pressures got in the way? Dont think that youre weaker for what happened.

(((P&L)))

September 6, 2006
10:17 pm
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M&S

okay, they are all weird about recommending people for some reason. They think I am a good coper, and they don't want to be responsible. One of my friends has a person in her practice I want to see, and I have no issue about the person being in her practice. I also have the name of someone else I heard was excellent, but I have doubts about that one's training. I live in a college town...there aren't a lot of options, and it is slim pickings.

I know Patty Hearst and I are different. I am saying I don't want to be ripe for being impressionable. I was, until it got to a point. When this guy got physical to me, that was it. I cut him off so fast. And, when I became aware that things seemed unkosher with the project, I would not be a part of it. The problem was HOW I tried to say NO. I tried to reason with them. I believed they were actually negotiating to a desireable outcome. I initially believed this guy was my true friend. He used me and betrayed me when he knew he get every bit of my intellectual property for his own use...this when it was the darkest time of my life for another reason. That is just so evil and manipulative.

I don't wish him harm. I wish the criminal were back in jail... he is on the street right now, probably moving on to his next victim, after his long history of felonies. That is our criminal justice system. He is not a white collar criminal.

As for the work abuse...that guy can kiss my you know what. I don't want anything to do with him. I don't wish him harm, and I don't him wish anything. I don't care. I just hope I don't ever fall for that again, and I hope I will heal and be a better person, as a result of my pain.

I just needed to talk...get this out. The wounds are still fresh, I see. I never had time to heal from the crime when I found myself facing a year of hell in my safe haven. I got the promotion of a life time, and I am so glad no one voting knew of this situation. I can always have that. I made it and I did it honestly.

And now, I know I could walk away from it if it meant compromising my honesty, because I am more than all I worked for all my life. I seek the right path. I may make mistakes, but I could never hurt someone intentionally for my own good.

Thanks for letting me ramble and sort this out.

September 6, 2006
10:29 pm
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P&L:

You can ask about therapist recommendations for a "friend." You could also call Carnes and ask for a referral. He has a website and I note that he has trained various people at the Meadows. He is now in the Southern US. There is an 800 number in the book too.

Do a web search on specialists and perhaps call for a referral from a professor. There may be someone nearby.

You have a good attitude and it will help you. You are interested in self protection and not revenge, and you can walk away if you had too. Great!

M&S

September 6, 2006
10:40 pm
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OMG-

I got an email from them just now. I handled it calmly without losing it.

Okay, maybe I am doing better than I thought.

I was afraid to open it, and once I did, I was fine, and thought "okay, no big deal." Maybe the worst is behind me now that I know who I am and can let scary people know it...makiing them not so scary, huh?

Today is today, and that all was yesterday.

🙂 P&L

September 6, 2006
11:06 pm
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We can navigate a lot better in this world when our feelings are in the right place...

September 6, 2006
11:14 pm
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P&L, give me a sign and Ill say good night!!

September 6, 2006
11:15 pm
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sini

u r so sweet

Did u get ur new meds yet? how is the book going? Tell me and then u can go to sleep.

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