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A Revelation - Good News to share
May 19, 2004
9:56 am
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petitefour
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As most of you know, I am new to this site and have recently started on my journey of understanding of being codependent. I am currently reading Melodie Beatty's book, No More CoDependency, have been reading and learning from this discussion group and finally came upon a small, but significant incident that I wanted to share.

Yesterday afternoon, I sent my husband a text message stating that I wanted to spend some "special time" with him later in the evening and that I was looking forward to seeing him. He seemed excited about the whole idea when we spoke early in the evening. He was home alone for about two hours......

When I finally got home last night, he was drunk. I began feeling responsible for his drinking (got tearful and upset) and worried about how the evening would soon fall apart with his anger, etc. I had so many nice plans for both of us that we were both looking forward to. I assumed that there was something he either couldn't face about me or us OR that I had said or done something wrong that he was angry about to make him start drinking (again) -- my normal thought process. He attempted to start arguments with me, I took Wannabefree's advice of saying "You might be right, I acknowledge what you have said, but I don't want to discuss this anymore". That defused about three (3) arguments immediately! No screaming, no yelling.

Then alittle later, after he had spent some time alone watching tv, he said to me "You know, I have been having some problems at work....my boss told me (today) he was disappointed in my lack of performance and the fact that I am missing so much work". (Of course, he began to make excuses for his behavior), BUT the one thing that occurred to me was that

I WAS NOT THE CAUSE OF HIS UNHAPPINESS and that I AM NEVER THE REAL CAUSE OF HIS DRINKING EPISODES! HE IS. EVEN IF HE SAYS I AM, I NOW KNOW BETTER.

The evening did not go as planned, because he eventually passed out and went to sleep before we could have any "special time", but I feel better today, just having a basic understanding how my own mind/feelings makes this disease even more destructive. I am learning, giving myself a pat on the back and ready to tackle another day. Thanks for allowing me to share my news!!! Its nice to post something positive for a change -- :0)

May 19, 2004
10:12 am
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gingerleigh
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Good for you, petitefour. It's a tough situation you are in, but by detaching from the blame, leaving the responsibility with him rather than taking it on yourself or allowing him to thrust it upon you, you are setting yourself up to grow and be less burdened by that which you cannot control... him. Proud of you *hug*

May 19, 2004
11:50 am
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CAMER
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PetiteFour: you have to remember he had drinking issues B4 you were in his life, and its up to him to fix the issues, hopefully he is attending AA meetings, not sure if he is alcoholic or just a big drinker but he has to take CONTROL OF HIS LIFE, it is not up to you, and yes he may blame you, but he is also in denial, trust me, I have been with an alcoholic b4 and I too got blamed for his drinking, until I learned to DETACH and not take any responsibility for something HE started with that 1st drink.
Best of luck, you are doing the right thing!

May 19, 2004
1:54 pm
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petitefour
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CAMER
What is the difference between an alcoholic and a big drinker??? Does someone have to be "fall down" drunk to be an alcoholic?

I used to think he was only a social drinker, when we first met and married, but I am beginning to see that there isn't even one day (unless he is very sick in bed) that goes by he doesn't drink something, he is what I would call "drunk" at least 4-5 days a week. I suppose he is what some people call a functional alcholic. He has had a steady job (although he job hops often enough), and is able to keep his drinking to any off time he has (like weeknights, holidays and weekends).

He will not admit he has a problem with alcohol, therefore has not attended AA meetings. He is in denial, for sure.

In previous arguments, the subject of his drinking has been brought up when he found out that I was investigating Al Anon meetings, he got very angry and insisted that I do not believe in him, if I think he is an alcoholic. He says he cannot be married to someone who feels this way about him. He will not discuss it at all.

He has two uncles and a grandfather who were alcoholics.

All I can do is hope that one day the consequences of his behavior will catch up with him severely enough to force him to seek help. No more enabling for me (picking up his children when he is too drunk to drive, buying his alcohol, making him drinks), etc.

This all is easy for me to write, but difficult to put into practice. I have to work very hard at holding back my rescuer/enabler tendencies....but I am getting better each day! :0)

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