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A question on...RESPONSIBILITY for others
January 14, 2007
12:46 pm
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gofigure
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I'am once again trying to find out what my responsibility is in this relationship I have with my husand from whom I am separated. He recently decided he would make an honest effort at seeking out treatment for a cocaine problem. He has spent the 10 or so months before this being a semi-presence in his daughters' lives, generally coming around when he needed/wanted something from me. This weekend an old friend (male) was in town on his way out of the country and we have spent a fair amount of time together. H and I discussed this and he told me as long as I gave him resaaurances that he had "nothing to worry about" he would probably be o.k. with the whole thing. He has been until last night when he stopped by (after my friend went back to his hotel) to give our girls a cd he got for them. Toward the end of this visit he told me he was having a hard time this weekend--trying to stay clean and then this friend of mine being in town...in short he wanted to spend the night on my couch. I didn't want him toso he left. For the next 1 - 2 hours he called me telling me how desperate he was feeling and how he was trying "not to do something stupid"; how I am supposed to be his friend and he guesses he is obviously asking too much of me and why is that anyway? What would it have cost me to let him stay here overnight? How, when I am supposed to be his friend I am unwilling to help him when he so desperately needs it?

I feel like I am allowing him (yet again) to "play" me, then I worry that he has a point, that when someone is in such dire straights how can I not do what I can for them? I guess I just worry that I am being selfish in not wanting him here. Then I think, well if I don't want him here, why should I feel compelled to do what he wants when it's not what I want? Is that wrong? When someone is trying to fight their demons, what is another's responsibility when someone is having a problem?

January 14, 2007
12:54 pm
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truthBtold
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I say - it's OK to be selfish.

You can still help at whatever level YOU DECIDE that feels comfortable for you...without going "overbaord" and sacraficing your own sense of well-being.

Then again, for me, sometimes somebody else's problems and drama are really too much for me to handle...and I have to distance myself for my own well-being.

You Decide the level you can give (or not give.)

Balance and Boundaries.

January 14, 2007
2:06 pm
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atalose
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You allowing him to stay on your couch for the night......

Is not treatment for an addict wanting to get clean.

You having to reassure him that your friend visiting in town is not a threat to him.....

Is not treatment for an addict wanting to get clean.

Is your huband seeking help through a 12 step program or through drug counseling?

You did not cause your husband to use drugs. You cannot stop or control him from using drugs and you cannot cure him from using drugs.

He is the only one who can truely help himself, if he really wants to stop using.
You can offer your support to him if and when he seeks the real help he needs by encouraging him to stick with a program. You can offer your support through tuff love. You can learn as much as you can about addiciton, educating yourself for you is the most important. You can think about attending al-anon or nar-anon meetings both deal with addiction and how you can help you through all this.

But if your husband is going cold turkey, refusing to seek out help other then yours, he's not serious about stopping and is most likely using his ploy of stopping drugs to manipulate you.

It's a roller coaster ride that never ends until one of you gets off.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

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