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A Question For The Men - Do You Run For The Hills?
January 24, 2005
12:55 am
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princess44
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Hi: I contracted herpes two years ago from a very brief marriage of 4 months. My former spouse did not tell me and is in denial to this day that he gave it to me. He game me no choice to protect myself. I now am left with this HUGE
responsiblity. I don't want to do what he did to me to anyone else. I have met this very nice man who thinks I am the most wonderful woman. I am dreading having to tell him, but I will eventually.(just gone out twice). I am not planning on jumping in the sack with him at any point soon. He really seems to want to court me and be a perfect gentleman. He is looking for a life long partner and he very much wanting to get to know me. Yikes! What would you guys do if you met the girl of your dreams and she gave you this information. There are misconceptions about herpes. It is treatable and it can be managed. It is the same virus as a cold sore on your mouth but only in a very private spot. The outbreak can be once a year to more episodes, depending on the person. No its no all over, just one spot Any comments would be appreciated. Thanks.

January 24, 2005
1:36 am
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Phalic_Liberator
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I wouldn't hold it against you but I'm a pretty descent guy. Most guys are.

The next time you meet you might just say that you're really excited about getting to know him and explain that you're interested in taking it further but that you have contracted herpes and felt he should know before you became intamate. Do it the first thing on your next date.

If he's a descent guy he'll start asking questions, probably about what measures you two are going to have to take, and about how it affects you, and low and behold - communication!

If he runs away thank God. If he's not able to handle that he's certainly not going to be able to handle the rest of what life has to offer.

January 24, 2005
1:47 am
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princess44
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Hi Phali_Liberator: You have made such perfect sense. It really is about the ability to handle life and the many issues that arise. And yes, lack of communication is the problem to so many relationship problems. If anything, he'll know that I had enough courage to tell him the truth. Hopefully it will show him I have character. Having this problem does not take away from being a good person with many other attributes. Thanks you have helped me with the load I felt was on my concious.

January 24, 2005
9:16 am
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princess44
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January 24, 2005
9:18 am
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Notsure
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I would just explain it. Be straight forward and up front. One of the reasons that I would like to know as much as I can about the people I sleep with. My ex-wife of 17.5 years contracted herpes about 3 months before we met. While it devastated her, we worked around her outbreaks. But tell him and don't be casual about it. It can be managed and treated. Notsure

January 24, 2005
9:20 am
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silence
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Yeah. He may stay, he may leave. But that is information I know I would want to know early on. It's not something I want to find out about 6 months down the road.

January 24, 2005
10:12 am
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princess44
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January 24, 2005
10:46 am
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SweetAmanda
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I may be a bitch but...

If I were dating a guy and he told me that he has an std I would probably never have any sexual contact with him. Thus, where the relationship was at that moment is the farthest it could ever go.

Maybe my mind will change if I am put into that situation, I don't know.

January 24, 2005
10:49 am
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Anonymous
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I think it would be very hard to be with someone that did have an STD but I know that if I really cared about them and loved them, then it wouldn't matter to me. I guess though if I didn't know someone that well and they told me that I would always be so worried with it. I already have health issues, and wouldn't want the risk of an STD on top of it. But then again I guess it just depends on the vibe I get from the person.

I would definitley respect someone more for telling me in the beginning then waiting though until later.

It is a hard situation. I think ideally we would all like to say no it wouldn't be a problem for me, but in the situation it might be different.

January 24, 2005
11:00 am
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SweetAmanda
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Right. (As to what Aces said)

I'm coming from the point of view of a 20 year old: I want to someday get married and be able to enjoy sex with my husband while not having to worry about contracting an std. I won't want him to wear a condom.

I also want a child someday. Having an STD could harm my unborn baby.

If the situation is different: As in I am older, or I decide that I would like to adopt rather than birth my own child, than I can see how that could work out. (A relationship with someone who has an STD.)

But as for right now, no.

January 24, 2005
11:01 am
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sc13
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My fiance contracted warts from an ex of his but never showed any signs of it. I got them from him and I showed signs right away. He didn't know he had it because he had no signs whatsoever (men often don't have any outward symptoms), and his ex never told him. He still to this day doesn't know which ex he got it from (he has had a few long-term relationships). Luckily I was treated and haven't had symptoms for over a year, so I'm in the clear and so is he.

You should tell him about it when you think the time to be intimate is coming soon. If he chooses to run away, then he's not the guy for you. If he is confused and shocked and needs time to think, then let him have time. Anyone would be shocked by that news. If he cares enough, he will come to terms with it in time.

Good luck!

January 24, 2005
11:06 am
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Anonymous
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I think since it is relatively NEW so far, it might go either way just because you don't know how much he really likes you. If I liked someone A LOT and they told me that I think it would be different than if I was kinda iffy about them and wasn't sure.

January 24, 2005
11:20 am
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artist 2
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Speaking from experience, I have usually waited to disclose such information after we got to the point of wanting sex. I contracted it too--some of you all know me well from being here for four years--and the guy pretended not to know he had it, when he certainly did know. He was afraid to tell me! I vowed that I would tell any one I planned on having sex with. They deserve the chance I did not have.

I guess I'm chicken in that I don't want to ruin the chance of intimacy with someone I really am excited about. So, I wait until it gets to the crucial point. That makes it harder for the guy to say "no"--when he's all worked up. Sounds unfair I know.

But your posts have given me time to think about another approach. If he runs, then thank God because he would not have wanted to handle anything "complicated" ie--"serious" committment (which is want I am looking for).

January 24, 2005
11:30 am
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Cactus
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Hi Princess 44,

To answer your question my ex contracted herpes from some guy she slept with while she was with me (nice girl, huh!) and had the nerve to try and blame me. Well after checking with my physician (I was clean) and doing quite a bit of research on it it became as bothersome to me as a cold. Whenever she had an outbreak we had no sexual contact at all (most outbreaks are stress related, somewhat similar to the coldsores some people get on their mouth) There's medication that she took reduced the outbreak time and she had to learn how to be less stressed to avoid more outbreaks.

Now to get to your question would I run for the hills, Nah!! while I understand peoples reluctance (and fully understand) to not having anything to do with people who are infected what happened to you in no way is a reflection on you as a person. Sh*t happens but how we deal with it builds our character. In regards to this new guy you must be getting pretty lose to doing the "horizontal mambo" (just being funny) for you to even be entertaining the thought (good for you). Having herpes isn't a death sentence, in actuality it teaches you to be more aware of your body.

I would sit this guy down, explain to him your feelings (as much as you choose to share, don't give away the farm) and tell him the circumstances as to how you acquired herpes and then ask him if he needs time to think about it(be willing to give him some space). If he bolts or is disgusted then you have your answer.

I don't know how far you want to get into the herpes thing with him i.e. that your children (if you are of child bearing years) will have to be delivered c-section as a precaution, etc, etc. But if it were me I like to know all my options so as to make an informed decision, but that's up to you. (Not everybody's like me)

I hope this helps in some small way. Herpes is definitely not a death sentence so don't think of it as that. Good luck you're still a wonderful and worthwhile person, herpes's never changed that.

-Cactus

January 24, 2005
1:59 pm
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dancing moon
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Hi Princess

I was seeing a guy some years ago. When things got more physical he said very calmly that he had herpes. I said, so what does that mean for us? So he explained what it was and how he handled it. Apparently it actually goes away after several years, so he said. We always used condoms and it wasn't a problem. He communicated his calmness to me. And he knew a lot about it so he could answer all my questions. So from my perspective that seemed like a good way of handling it, being calm and knowledgeable.

I hope this helps!

January 24, 2005
2:04 pm
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CAMER
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you never "asked" for herpes, and yes, you have it. So any person you sleep with should be known up front of it. I met a man who told me, b4 we had sex, that yes he had it, and he even showed me pamphlets on it and even educated me about it...I never contacted anything from him, and I was just impressed that he could tell me about this and not feel so dirty or shameful about it. Honesty is the best policy.

January 24, 2005
3:57 pm
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artist 2
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HERPES NEVER GOES AWAY! Don't let anybody tell you that!

It is a virus like AIDS or poison ivy. It gets into your body and does not leave. After time the break-outs are less often, but you are always susceptible to catching it all the time--just less likely when there is no break out.

There are medications that reduce the number of break-outs and the likelyhood that others can catch it, but especially for women, in the moist areas--it's in the secretions.

I don't mean to gross you out, but those are the facts.

January 24, 2005
7:54 pm
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silence
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poison ivy goes away. I had it when I was a kid.

January 24, 2005
8:00 pm
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artist 2
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I did too, but once you have it, it makes you more prone to getting it again.

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