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A question for the guys
February 6, 2005
12:26 pm
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MsTorn
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I am new here, and have a lot of issues with my husband. We are seperated at the moment, but I have a question for the men here. Is it possible for a man to have women friends, whom he goes out with and stays the night with...but has no sexual relations with? He has made comments to me like "Your my wife, I can't be friends with you, men just can't be friends with someone their having sex with."

I am thinking along the lines of the madonna/whore complex. Where men see women as either whores, or as someone to be respected. I have seen this referred to men who won't sleep with their wives, but have repeated affairs. I am wondering if this is turned around in my husband. I often feel that he only wants me for sex, since there is no other aspect of our relationship. He won't do things with me, or go out with me. He says I don't fit in with his friends...He is out about 4 or 5 nights a week...and usually stays out all night long. Am I totally crazy to think that this man has never had sex with anyone else?

February 6, 2005
12:35 pm
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SweetAmanda
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MsTorn

Even if your husband hasn't had sex with anyone else, would it still be okay with you for him to be gone that often and for him to exclude you from his life like that?

If that's acceptable to you, fine. But spending the night with other women? Not being able to be friends with you? You feel like sex is all you have?

I'm not a guy, so I may be acting biased, but I would be really hurt!

I hope you get some good advice from some of the awesome guys here. =)

~Amanda~

February 6, 2005
12:59 pm
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lostinthismess
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i have to agree with sweet. as a woman of course i could be wrong but, I have had many guy friends over the years and have founf that they were the best sex partners. Being friends seems to make it easier as you are more comfortable with each other.I personaly think your husband is lying to you. Why else would he stay out all nite and not allow you to be there? My husband has recently started simmilar behaviors but instead of having sex with me he just doesn't botther at all. anyway i hope you figure things out. Best of luck and god bless!!

February 6, 2005
1:03 pm
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mamacinnamon
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MsTorn:

I'm not a guy either.

How would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot and it was you doin the goin out? Would he allow it? He may say he would, but you know his heart.

My hubby tried to pull that one a couple years ago. I have become ill and cannot do alot of things, but he wanted it as an excuse for me to do nothing. He was talking to this girl at work and they were just friends and I didn't fit in. I put my foot down before anything happened. Then it all came out that they were doin dope which I am totally against.

My friend is just now going thru this same thing and she's holding her ground too. She had become friends w/ a guy just as friends and they ended up in bed. Now her hubby has a friend girl and nothing is goin on. Not yet anyway.

My opinion is that it is playing w/ fire if it has not already happened. I'm not saying it has happened in your case. I'm just saying water and oil do not mix.

February 6, 2005
1:07 pm
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crocus
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I think that if you feel betrayed, and if he won't honor or even pay attention to your feelings, you ARE being betrayed, regardless of whether or not he actually had sex with someone.

February 6, 2005
1:12 pm
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on my way
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MsTorn...I also am a female, hopeflly some of the men on this webste will respond as well.
This is easy to figure out though. It is wrong. It is wrong for you to be put in a position where you wonder, whre you have to ask, where you become upset, or nay other feelings you feel due to this. His place is with you, his wife, NOT out 4 nights a week with girl "friends". I think it would be different if say one night out the month he couldn't sleep and had to go for a drive or something and you knew he loved you, and you knew that was why he was not there for a couple of hours. I think deep inside even you know this is wrong.
SO the next step is, what do you want to do about it?

February 6, 2005
1:21 pm
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BlackCat
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My perspective...
Your husband should be your best friend and vice versa. Why be married in the first place if you can't.
From my experience, I've never been able to maintain a friendship with a woman I've been intimate with. My fault though... I do have woman friends that I've gone on trips with or have slept in their or my home - no sex - and it is fine. Heck, I've even slept in the same bed with a good friend - no sex. Most men and women would find this hard to accept; but if there is an honest understanding, there isn't an issue. The problem is trying to convince others..oh well.
His behavior (staying out all night, and telling you that he can't be friends with you) doesn't seem like the behavior of an honest man. If he really doesn't have nurturing and loving feelings for you, he needs to tell you rather than exhibit this kind of behavior. Boundaries....
And then you need to make a decision...
I wish you the best..

BlackCat

February 6, 2005
1:53 pm
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MsTorn
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Thank you all for your insight on this. I did set my boundaries about a month ago when He was gone all night at a womens house, I changed the locks and left his suitcase in the back of his truck. He just keeps coming around telling me how much he loves me, and wants to work things out, bla, bla, bla, and can he please come home. I tell him that as soon as he stops going out, and gets some counseling, and shows me SOMETHING, then I will consider it. Then he tells me he can't stop drinking or going out because he is staying with friends who go out all the time So, I told him he could stay in another room if he was serious. Of course he declined that offer.

But I am so obsessed with finding out if he slept with anyone else, as if that is going to change anything...I know, it makes no difference...He's disrespecting me, and it is unacceptable...but he makes me feel so guilty for being upset about it, says I just don't want him to have friends, and that I have ruined his friendship with this woman because now she won't talk to him because I kicked him out for staying at her house. I know logically that this is all messed up, and I should feel strong for finally setting boundaries, but I feel guilty. So, somehow I feel that if I knew for sure that he has slept around, these feeling of guilt will go away. I'm sure I'm wrong, but it is so hard to make your heart see what your mind sees, and knows to be the truth...

February 6, 2005
2:04 pm
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on my way
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Forgive me. He is either bein gignorant or he is. If he is sleeping around, what kind of STD's is he possibly bringing to you?
Try reading a book, Codependent No More, it will help you to process what is happening in your home and how you fit into this pattern that is not changing. As long as he can lay the guilt trip on you and you accept it, he has you right where he wants you.
The fact that you are writing on this website, means that you know soemthing is not right. But please be aware how this is affecting you, your health, etc. and if you have children, another consideration. Hopefully he will listen to you, but unless he seeks professional help, AA or something, you may be stuck unless you leave. It would be nice to get professional help for both of you too thoug, if you both decided to go to AA together or see a counselor. My dad was an alchoholic, and I wish my mom had gone to AA with him...it would have shown me commitment. As it is, I grew up with seeing my mom hate my dad. I love them both very much but this certainly did damage to me as a child. SO youdo have some options, depending on what you know needs to be done and he will also cooperate. You can even call a local AA and ask for an "intervention"..and they can explain to you what that is about as well. Best of luck to you.

February 6, 2005
2:13 pm
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mamacinnamon
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MsTorn:

You hold your ground. Don't let him make you feel guilty because he is doing the wrong thing. I know it's hard. Once he's back in..... I think you know what would happen. I agree w/ all "on my way" said. Check out the book and the other things she mentioned. I think you'll definitely find some answers in that direction.

So sorry this is goin on w/ you.
Keep venting here. Lots of good folks who really do care.

February 8, 2005
7:17 pm
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woundedspirit
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My ex is the same way. Thinks its ok to stay the night with female "friends". I think it is disrespectful also and in my case, I did find out he really did have sex with atleast two he initially said he never touched. Its wrong even if they dont have sex. But I am like you...without absolute proof, its to easy to hold onto the little sliver of douobt and let them con us into giving them the benefit of the doubt that maybe it is totally innocent. And to easy to make us feel controlling or insecure for not "trusting" and having a problem with it. Reality is, not many women would want their partner spending the night with another woman. Period. If he is anything like mine, he would totally FREAK if the tables were turned. Im getting alittle satisfaction recently in that my ex started dating someone new who is doing the same kinds of things to HIM that he did to ME! he told me recently he thinks God sent her to him to open his eyes to what an ASS he was to me and how selfish he was. I hope yours can open his eyes to the hurt he is causing you and bottom line, if he loves you, whether he agrees or not, he should not want to keep doing something thats hurting you

February 8, 2005
8:57 pm
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GullyFoyle
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"Your my wife, I can't be friends with you, men just can't be friends with someone their having sex with."

Bah!

I don't mean to be rude, I mean, he is your husband, but that is a crock of shit!

Can't be friends with his wife, hell, he wants a maid.

Being friends, being close and intimate, that is the best kind of sex!

Sometimes, the other members of my gender make me sick. To tell the truth, what with their attitudes and behaviours, most guys DO make me feel sick.

MsTorn, find yourself a friend.

Gully

February 9, 2005
10:49 am
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MsTorn
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Your tight Gully, I need a friend. And I totally agree with you, his attitude is a crock of shit.

He asked me to come to a superbowl party he was having, and for some reason beyond me, I agreed to go. I thought everything went well. But when I I told him we needed to leave to get the kids, b/c they had school the next day, he got really pissed. When we were in the car going to get the kids, he kept bitching at me about how I was acting, he new he shouldn't have invited me, I embarresed him...bla, bla, bla...

I am so sick of him. He is embarrassed because I talk about my interests, and what I like. He thinks it's nerdy, so he's embarrassed. It's not like I got drunk and made an ass of myself. I will talk about what I want, and despite what he says, his friends do like me. I know they do, I get along just fine with them, I don't know what his problem is...It seems that he just doesn't want me to know his friends, it has nothing to do with me. He must be hiding something...

February 9, 2005
10:59 am
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GullyFoyle
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You go, girl!

Gully

February 9, 2005
11:27 am
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Anonymous
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Hi MsTorn, I am a guy and have come to the conclusion that it is NOT a good idea for men to have close women friends. I am going thru that right now and have hurt my wife trying to get my needs met with other women. These are not sexual needs, they are emotional ones. Trouble is that when we are emotionally intimate with someone other than our spouse, it puts us in a dangerous position. In my case we didn’t cross the physical line but did cross the emotional one and now I am trying to make amends for the wreckage I have caused in my own marriage. Fortunately my wife and I are both willing to try and recover from this. I am in therapy and finding out why I tried to fill that need with other women. MEN CAN AND SHOULD BE BEST FRIENDS WITH THEIR WIFE. I am sorry that your husband is treating you this way, it doesn’t speak well for us men. My instincts tell me that he is lying, I’m sorry.

February 9, 2005
12:44 pm
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MsTorn
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he did that a few years ago, an intimate emotional affair. Which can be forgivable if he were sorry about it, or wanted to work on the marriage. But to say "I said I was sorry about it, now get off my ass", and do the same thing again with another woman...there's only so much a person can take. I am honestly starting to get it, who cares if he screwed anyone...(Actually it seems that I am the one getting screwed.)
Why do I even care at this point, the only thing I can be sure of with him, is that he will lie to me. If he comes over to F--- me, and then leaves to spend time with another woman...that sucks...I would rather have his friendship, and companionship, than his...you know...why should he give that to some other woman, why should she get the good stuff, I am his wife, I have his children, I have stood by him through everything, I have supported him emotionally, and have been faithful physically and emotionally. So why is it so hard for him to do that for me, and so easy for him to do it with other women.

February 9, 2005
2:54 pm
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kathygy
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It sounds like your husband has major problems with sex and intimacy. He needs help. You have done nothing to feel guilty about. You were taking care of yourself. If your husband isn't capable of having a friendship with you then what do you have? You don't have trust either. You can't have much of a relationship with this man. He sounds very selfish. Why stay married to him? He is treating you like shit. You deserve so much more. I would insist he go for help or I would kick him out.

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