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A question for the guys...and women who guys have left their wives for...
May 18, 2006
8:13 pm
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kc30
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My husband had an affair that ended our marriage- my choice. There was no build-up...no growing discontentment. We had just bought a new home and had a new baby, so there were major life changes, but there were no issues between us. He was a good husband, then he got drunk and made a succession of really bad choices.

I blamed it all on her for a long time, but no longer. HE took the vows- before God, family and friends. She didn't know me. She was just looking out for herself. HE had the responsibilites to his family and he chose to to turn our lives upsidedown. I don't excuse her role, but I do know that what goes around comes around. Now, she's in a highly dramatic and unhealthy relationship with a very troubled man. I know the pain he can cause. I wouldn't trade places for anything.

An affair is an unreality. they were sneaking off having this great, deep passionate love affair...but who was minding the children...paying the bills...minding the house...in other words, living a real life. He got hooked on the drama and the escape. When they finally moved in together, two years later, it lasted 6 weeks.

I personally feel that a person with good boundaries and high self-esteem would never make these choices.

Oprah had a good show on today about cheating, and it was pretty insightful. The premise was that people get hooked on how the other person "makes them feel"...but throw in the real-life responsibilities of career, finances, children and add the doldrums of normal, day-to-day existence, and it gets old fast.

I think that people can tell themselves anything to justify their behaviour, including justifying abandoning their children.

"Nothing is easier than self-deceit, for what each man wishes, that he also believes to be true"

Life has a funny way of catching up though. Reality cannot be dodged forever.

Karma's a real bitch sometimes.

kc

May 18, 2006
8:22 pm
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on my way
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hey kc, good to see you back!

May 18, 2006
8:30 pm
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kc30
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Awww, thanks omw 🙂

I lurk here when I can, but don't post often. Things have pretty much stablized...well, I have stablized would be more accurate!!

kc

May 18, 2006
9:50 pm
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Anonymous
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ginger,

{There are two sides to every story. Hers, his and the truth.}

I'm a bit puzzled why you posted the above. Without any further explanation, it looks like you're implying that taj, who had just told us about the pain she's experienced from the affair she had with the married man, isn't telling the complete truth.

Is this what you meant? Did you mean to imply that taj isn't being totally truthful? I think she's being totally truthful myself. I've read about it before -- men cheat on their wives, and the women involved think they themselves, and each other, are to blame. It's the guy who deserves the bulk of the blame, if not all of it.

Seeker

May 18, 2006
11:25 pm
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gingerleigh
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Oh no, not at all, Seeker. I was addressing the original question, which was something to the effect of how could a man just go off and discard his family for another woman. The point I was thinking of but didn't express well was that there's always more going on than we know, especially when we're only hearing one side of the story.

Hope that clears things up!

May 18, 2006
11:59 pm
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Anonymous
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Ginger,

I see what you mean. It wasn't directed at anybody in particular. The placement of it right under taj's was misfortunate.

Okay, I'm square. (Well, I always was a bit of a square anyway. :O) )

Take care!

Seeker

May 18, 2006
11:59 pm
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on my way
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i remember thinking that i was right, and my ex-husband was certain that he was right. his feelings were important and real, as were mine. but somewhere in the middle was the truth of it all, which now that he and i both look back we are able to see, because the emotional turmoil is gone.

May 19, 2006
5:51 am
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revelation
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Hello All!

Wow!! I asked for answers and thanks so much for all being so honest and thrashing this out!

The reason I asked is because, I just have a hard time getting my head around the lack of empathy that seems to exist within some (not all) men and some (not all) women, I do think though...that there are less women out there who'd be inclined to walk away.

Seeker...thanks so much for your honesty about your situation, it really is good to get some make insight...also the other men...thanks lads!!

KC...as usual...you come up with those one-liners that always hit home:

"Life has a funny way of catching up though. Reality cannot be dodged forever"

I mean isn't that the KEY hear? That men and women have affairs to escape their reality??? Its just the some men are too in denial to realise that reality will come back to haunt them no matter how much they run away...I really do think (Perhaps its just Irish men) that this is the whole issue...someone should put these guys in a room and on a huge white wall put in big black letters
"YOU CANNOT ESCAPE REALITY" and make them stare at it all day!!

Running away from reality does so much emotional damage to all parties.

Thanks to all of you for posting your opinions here...some very very insightful thoghts, I do appreciate it.

To Taj....hun I'm sorry this post hurts you. A few years ago, I would have been all blame for the "other woman" too...because my sisters husband had an affair on her. But, now, I wouldn't blame the other woman at all (OK, there are some situations where the "other woman" is a manipulative bitch!) but I do realise that in most cases, the women that these men get involved with, must suffer from low self-esteem to get involved in the first place and also must get dreadfully hurt. I'm so sorry for what you are going through now.

May 19, 2006
8:09 am
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Anonymous
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omw,

{somewhere in the middle was the truth of it all, which now that he and i both look back we are able to see, because the emotional turmoil is gone}

I'm not at that point myself, where I can see what may have really happened between my stbxw and me. All I can see is what I've done wrong. I don't know that I'll ever be at that point.

May 19, 2006
8:51 am
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taj64
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Im better today. I needed to learn of all this. I can see waht I did was wrong and all I can do is move on and someday recover. If I could go back in time, knowing all I know from this experience, I would have walked away in a heartbeat. When I look back as well, he did seem experienced at the game. And I was naive. And I am not so naive now.

Rev I hope your friend recovers from all this. She must be devastated. He sounds so cruel not to even explain and just walk out so abruptly. It is really quite sad to hear of this type of man. I wish her luck.

May 19, 2006
8:57 am
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sleepless in uk
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Taj I think you are much stonger than me....I dont think I could be brave enough to end it and stick to mydecision like you have done..

I guess we all learn from our experiences and hopefully manage to move on to abetter life......least I sure hope so

May 19, 2006
9:30 am
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evi
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Matteo:
I blame them both equally, maybe my husband more in someways, I always thought that love was stronger than anything and that if tempted the love would over ride it. However...She was supose to have been my friend. Someone to talk to when you couln't speak to your spouse. My bond with her was different. It is in a wierd way two kinds of hurts one with my husband and one with her. In my mind one is worth saving and one is not. I am still in the healing process but come on...I am not stupid, my door will never be open to her. My husband still has a long way to go also, trust isn't earned over night. However I am not the old bitty that you may think I am, I don't throw things up or bring up the topic unless we are in counseling. He does the same. Who know, somedays I think I have it figured out and then I don't. Thanks for letting share. Evi

May 19, 2006
10:04 am
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I do not think the "other woman" has to be suffering from self-esteem issues to get involved with a married man.

The deluge of "fantasy" sex and porn that is available to any individual is mind-boggling. That is definitely a reality!!

I think attractions just happen. Everyone wants to live their ultimate dream. Maybe trying to separate out the love from the self-satisfaction is not possible.

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