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A Question For Anyone.... FEAR
October 5, 2004
1:41 pm
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free
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wow mama- don't usually come across people who know what I mean. I hate to say this, but that is comforting, not sure why. Probably just having things validated by somebody who's been there. Doesn't happen very often. Usually it's an OMG how can you live like this? Ummmmm.......how can I not? What is the option? There are two. Be engulfed in all the drama and sort of move through a paralyzed life, or live each day to the fullest as best as possible and whatever happens, happens. I chose the latter. But I'll tell ya, he still has a grip on my life. I think he will as long as our kids are young. But I do see hope: they are growing.

I arm myself sidesgns. If he ever does catch me alone there will be a fight. I avoid him. I report things to law enforcement. But they can only do so much, and they often don't do what they CAN do. check this out, he violated a restraining order- wtnesses and all and all, and is found guilty and as a consequence the judge chewed him out and increased the restraining order from 500 yds to one mile. Talk about tough consequences lol! Yep. He violated again. Nothing happened that time though. A 911 dispatch officer actually told me restraining orders are not valid in public areas. I told her the guy was being charged with felony stalking and was following me. She got snotty. Asked me how many restraining orders I've had. I was hysterical now and running. there's just nothing like calling for help and having somebody basically tell me I'm bugging them and to stop being so stupid. I could go on and on.

I avoid him as best I can. Can't move because that would impede his visitation rights. He has visitation rights to our children, his property.

There is no running or hiding without dire consequences. Not with the kids. That's the way it is.

So ya see sidelines, people adapt. It's either adapt or don't adapt.

Now this past time I was in court, it was me myself and I against him and his attorney. I sused to be terrified of being in the same room with him. He could look at me and I would freeze. I was just so scared- I'd either freeze, become hostile, or cry. None of that happened. Well, it did just a little bit, but I stood my ground calmly and rationally and won. that's weird.

So something is happening. Maybe I'm not so terrified anymore. Or maybe I'm sick of it. I don't know. I was scared, though. But angry too. Disgusted. Fed up. With this attorney as well kuz at first I thought well he's probably just snowed by my ex monster- monster does that quite well. But this attorney is not snowed. He's just unethical, snakey, unprofessional, and what I consider a piece of crap with an education. I guess that's to be expected- my ex monster would have no other.

Back to the fear thing. I guess it's just normal- like making dinner or something..

free

October 5, 2004
1:53 pm
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southgoingzax
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free,

I wonder if you've just gotten to the point where you can't be afraid all the time...I went to Uzbekistan last year, and got some sort of serious food poisoning...I couldn't stand up, just laid in the hallway with shit flying out both ends...the uzbeks were so worried, wanted to take me to the hospital...at first I was worried too, I thought I might just die there, but then, I really just stopped caring. I wanted it to end, in whatever way that would be - dead or not, just as long as it was over. Maybe that's what you're going through. It sucks the police aren't being helpful. People wonder why so many women end up dead but they never stop and see how little the system actually protects us. I wish you all the strength tin the world,

ZAX

October 5, 2004
2:09 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Free, I'm sorry you have to deal w/ a jerk like this. Congrats on standing up at court and for winning.

Gosh, don't know of any comforting things I can say. I know the terror you feel. Silly now, but used to sit in the corner w/ a gun in case he showed up at night while the kids were sleepin. It's so hard to believe such evil people exist.

In my case it did get a little easier when my now hubby came into the picture. Hubby stood up and said we won't take any of his stuff. Well, at least it stopped him from being in my house when I would get home. Didn't stop the last 13 years after the divorce of his doing everything possible to screw things up for us. Funny how they just won't let us go.

Don't know how old your kids are. Mine were 5 & 8 when we divorced. I am amazed at what all the 8 year old remembers. As the kids get older they WILL start to see his behavior. My son would do anything for dad's love, even got in trouble w/ drugs and the law. He's 19 now & has decided not to live like his dad. Never give up on your kids. Pump the right things into their heads always. Mine are now 22 & 19. The oldest hasn't spoken to him for 6 years now. Good will prevail.

I think the day I actually took a breath was when my youngest graduated from high school and I knew I would not have to look at him again. well, except for weddings, births, etc.

My I am rambling. I too am glad to know someone out there doesn't think I'm just crazy or making things up. Learned not to tell anyone because it is so far fetched that they just don't believe you. My now hubby is the only one that knows everything.

I took the stress in and have paid for it now. Developed post traumatic stress which turned into fibromyalgia, severe sleep apnea, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. To many things wrong to go into. Whatever it takes free, don't hold the stress in. Don't let him cause you to become unhealthy. Don't let him make you pay the rest of your life. I'm glad you (and I) have somewhere we can talk. Would like to get to know you. Thanks for helping me.

October 5, 2004
6:51 pm
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Well, I guess the OMG's are flyin here. I used to hate that so much when somebody said that, and now that's normal too. Ah, man, this is so weird.

there is one of my friends who knows just about everything. The prosecutor had called her as a witness and who knows what she would have told. But ya know, i get p.o'd a bit when people say "why did you not report that to the police?" This is one of the reasons I don't talk about some things. Anything I say comes under attack, and I'm made out to be a vengeful bitch. As if. I asked for help kuz I was scared. I didn't even know my ex monster was stalking- this a new thing- I thought this was deomestic violence survivorhood. The police are helpful now. I have to give them credit as credit is due. They are helpful because of the history and because powerful people have stepped in. At first, there was no real history. I protected him. I really don't think police fully understand the elements behind stalking and domestic violence. I really don't think most people truly do. It seems so cut and dry to most people, but what most people don't understand is the gripping fear and how that fear determines action or inaction. And this is why I'm so interested in it. I'm a university educated professional woman, and it gripped me. Hard.

I've learned to be careful about what I tell. Anybody.

I had to chuckle at the "mafia lifestyle" comment. It's so true!

My ex monster's two former wives before me- I have not been able to locate, even with google search engines for finding people. It's eerie- especially knowing things he has said about them. I wanted to find them, to see if they were in fact alive, to see if some of the things he said were true. No finding them. I met the second one when we were first dating, but she has just disappeared. He no longer acknowledges ever being married to the first one, but he made such a big deal about telling me about her, and his sisters spoke of her.

He remarried last July- and his new wife thinks I'm an enemy. A church thinks he is just God's right arm.

a Superior Court Judge got vamboozled and actually told me to get on medication, to see a doctor, that I was trying to control him. This was years ago- I was on my own, scared, as he had sent me bullets the night before the hearing in a ring box with a crucifix. I thought I could just tell the judge we need help. But I don't think he ever read my declaration. I was a basketcase, and it was bad. After this, I had decided- if a judge can be snowed, anybody can be snowed, and it's best to keep my mouth shut.

But things still blew up.

Ya now, I don't even have a clear memory of all the things he did, and when, and how I responded. After his trial this past year, I just decided to forget even trying.

Now I'm interested in what happened to me. And why.

What is it about fear that causes us to screw up our lives?

free

October 6, 2004
12:27 am
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mamacinnamon
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Free, I would almost guarantee all the other ex's got the same treatment as you did. My ex has married 4 times in the last 14 years and each time they get away from him they call and let me know they'll be there for me if he tries to take my kids. Funny that I too was the enemy when they were married. Thank God they got away too.

As for the blank spots....I have those too. I can remember things that happened and it was bad, but can't remember the outcome. Truly would like to know sometimes, but then again maybe there is a reason we don't remember these things.

Oh the things I want to say to you, but think of them and say to myself "unbelievable" even tho they happened. It's mind boggling how they can screw us up so bad and look like the greatest guy to the world around us.

Can't talk anymore. Can't deal w/ this right now. Sorry.

October 6, 2004
12:42 am
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southgoingzax
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Concentration camp victims may have some idea what you are going through, or hostages. Post-traumatic stress syndrome would be putting it mildly. But the question, not that anyone said it here directly, (but sort of indirectly concerning fear and how it messes up your choices), "why didn't you just leave", as you both know, is the wrong question. It places blame on the innocent. The focus of our society OUGHT to be: What is wrong with him, with the system, with our world when a man can become such a monster? WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM? And what is wrong with all of us, that we know this goes on, but do nothing to stop it? Don't blame yourself, free, for making bad choices because of fear. Your choices were being meticulously stripped away from you. Not just by your ex-monster, but by the system supposedly there to protect you. I'm sorry you are going through this, and sort of, in a weird way, sorry that I am an outsider to your pain. But rational choices are tough to make when you are fearing for your life.

October 6, 2004
7:27 pm
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sax, you sound like my therapist lol! he talks frequently about holocaust survivors.

i was never able to compare my own suffering to theirs. Theirs just seems to me- so exreme, that it would seem an insult upon them to do so. I have very good things in my life, so much to be thankful for. They had so little, if anything.

But I've learned a great deal in reading about them, how they survived, what they thought, etc.

About rational decisions: I don't think anybody who hasn't been their can make the call as to whether or not a decision is rational. Now I mean no offense by that.

But as an example, in my ex monster's trial this past December, he was nailed. The prosecutor nailed him on the first day. He had lied to his attorney, his attorney had pie on his face, and there was just no way to recover. Defensive opening arguments got blown all to hell, even on cross-examination (I didn't know I too was blowing opening arguments to hell- found that out later). It was a bad hit. my ex monster was going to prison.

At the same time, my oldest daughter had become suicidal. she was in the middle, and loved her dad, and wanted to protect him, but was learning quickly that she could not. We had offered a plea the week or so before the trial and in my ex monster's arrogance, he refused against his attorney's advice.

Now one would think "good- he's going to prison." He should have. He really should have. And a part of me wishes he WOULD have.

BUT. AND THIS IS A BIG BUTT. lol

Would my daughter have survived? I really don't know.

Would I have survived when he got out of prison? He was cornered. He would have gotten out of prison having lost his career, everything. He has threatened to kill everyone I love and let me live.

I pushed for a plea.

District attorney offered. There was no choice but for ex monster to take it. 3 felony counts down to one misdemeanor with consequences.

To many people, this was an irrational decision on my part, and on the prosecutor's, as she had for certain one felony in the bag on only the second day of trial. My choice to plea was not logical. This I'm certain of.

But to me, it was the only choice.

free

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