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A Question For Anyone.... FEAR
October 3, 2004
12:10 am
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Anonymous
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This is a touchy subject I know. And of course it's up to you if you so choose to respond. What is it about fear that makes us so uncomfortable? What is your greatest fear?
Why do we have such feelings , apart from physical I mean and how do we deal with it in a rational constructive way? To help ourselves overcome it, if there is a solution as to overcome it?

October 3, 2004
12:36 am
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Anonymous
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Sunny I don't think that it is fear itself it is what ever we are afraid of. I think that it is hard to deal with because many of our fears we develped early in life so they are deepp within us. A lot of the underlying reasons is things we are not consious about. And that is just an opinon. I just beleive most are deep rooted.

From what I have tried when I try it because taking action is hard too. But that is to face the fear head on. We can't go around we have to go threw that means facing it.

Kind of like someone that is afraid of hights in order to work threw it they would have to go to high places and work threw the feelings that surface..

I donno don't feel like I am making much senes.

October 3, 2004
1:26 am
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BabyJane
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I think at the bottom of every one of our fears is simply the fear that we can't handle whatever life may bring. ie- I can't handle illness or being alone or making mistakes or getting old....
This is why (like smiles wrote) once we have handled something scary the feelings of fear disapate.

I try and repeat to myself- "Whatever happens to me, I will handle it!"

and...

"If you knew you could handle anything that came your way, what would you possibly have to fear?" -Susan Jeffers

I find making decisions very scary. I try and tell myself that there are no "wrong" decisions. Only different paths and each path will have some amazing goodies for me.

I also find I get fearful of what others think of me. So I try and repeat to myself "What others think of me is none of my business"

I hate fear. It was a big part of my life for a long time. Its still an issue for me but I can control it more now.

Don't know if this is helpful or not.?!

Anyway...
Lets be brave and make big mistakes!

October 3, 2004
2:28 am
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Anonymous
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My greatest fear that I feel right now at this moment besides death which comes second to it is being heart broken. By that I mean being cheated on and not having control of my surroundings. The reason I fear this so much is not so much (I think) that i'm loosing anything worth it but the fact that I feel defeated.

The way I control it? By coming to this support group and reading other peoples stories and also letting my instincs of control go. I feel free here uninhibitedandfree! I also went out and bought some self help books and I feel that I am beginning to take control of my life instead of every one elses. Now i'm # 1 in my life and I love it. I feel confident, social, and sexy again!

October 3, 2004
4:31 am
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harrys girl
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I agree BabyJane - it's that underlying belief that we won't be able to handle or get through certain circumstances that underlies all fears. I think also that we are generally taught to try to minimise uncomfortable feelings - it could be some very basic survival instinct, i don't really know - and so the discomfort of fear is compounded by it being something we need to 'get rid of'. i am learningthat i can be fearful and still continue on with mydaily life - and still do what ever it is that is causing fear within me. sure, it's uncomfortable, but discomfort won't kill me. and maybe, i'll eventually realise that i don't need to hold onto so many of my fears anymore.

greatest fear? becoming depressed again. living in that dark tunnel of hopelessness. yet i have survived i before. if necessary, i will survivie it again!!

HG

October 3, 2004
7:15 am
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memphis
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I am feeling the fear this morning. I am two days away from moving away from my co dependent and all my friends to my home state. I hate living next to my co dependent but this fear is scary. I can feel it mounting . I had a problem due to nerves a few months ago and I cant let that happen again. Prayer is comforting . I will have to stop and pray often. Saying goodbye to a life that I have had for over 5 years is extremely sad. But what does God have planned for me?
And yes we will all survive! WHOPPEE

October 3, 2004
8:55 am
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CAMER
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great topic Sunny!! with me, fear is
being afraid of the "unknown" not knowing what will happen, to me that is fear. With being coda, I always like things going in a comfy way, but throw fear into the picture, that means things change. I find the best way to fight fear is to face it head on...if I am ever afraid of something, i tell myself to just do it and face the fear, and it seems so much easier once its done, then I am not so afraid, it takes lotsa practice on fear, and makes me a stronger person.

camer

October 3, 2004
9:23 am
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Anonymous
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Thanks Camer....I'm still trying to figure out my answer, LOL!

Love ya,

Sunny

October 3, 2004
1:03 pm
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Smiles,

You're making perfect sense and I agree with you completely.

And yes, this is a very interesting topic.

October 3, 2004
4:48 pm
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workinonit
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Cool Sunny, you know I love when you throw these things at us!!!

Fear...Fear is that hot feeling that quickly rises to the top of your head when you think you left the iron on in your bedroom. It's the panic you feel when your child is supposed to be home and it's 15 minutes past time. It's the emotional response to leaving a comfortable uncomfortable life to reach for new and better things.

Make lists, think about the consequences of your choices and, more important, can you live with those consequences. Remember, if you had the choice once, you can have the choice again. I don't think I ever would have left either husband if I did not believe I had the choice. I didn't gain this insight til I was 40.

Fear is usually an unknown circumstance that once experienced is easier the second time and so on. Last thing, What do you really have to lose?

October 4, 2004
10:37 am
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luvlee
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I agree, good subject Sunny.=)

"What is it about fear that makes us so uncomfortable?"

Well, there is the obvious fight or flight responses we go through when it comes to fear. That pretty much makes sense to me. I think what I am really interested in how we are conditioned to fear in a sociological sense.

For instance, I find that I am less at ease/more fearful when I have been watching more T.V. As I get older I become more and more wary of putting any television into my head. Don't get me wrong, I think there is some great programs on the history/science channels but I am increasingly concerned about advertising and "news" programs.

I think that it benefits a lot of people in this country for us to live in fear based society.

"What is your greatest fear?"

I think my greatest fear is that I will not do all I want to do in life and I won't chose the right man to spend it with.

"Why do we have such feelings , apart from physical I mean and how do we deal with it in a rational constructive way?"

I am still trying to figure this one out. I think that once I can really begin to change my perseption on life and actually LIVE through that new perseption things will gradually change.

October 4, 2004
11:08 am
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bangles
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Deep thoughts there, Sunny. Fear. Mental fear. Well, I think we all have a self that we've come to know and try to like/love. When fear enters the picture, that self doesn't feel so good. We, physical beings, do not like that feeling. We want to feel good about ourselves and if our mental self is scared, then it is just plain not a pleasant feeling. The fear is probably most often to not being accepted for whatever reason, or to outwardly be rejected. We want to present as good a view of ourselves as we can to the world, and when fear enters, that ruins the script for us. I think that is my main reason for fear. When I am afraid, it is because I willnot or have not come off as looking like the person I want to be. Maybe I feel inadequate at doing something. Maybe I feel that my values are being threadened or questioned. Maybe I just am not sure how the whole thing will come across...how can I pull it off best without losing face or dignity? I could put this into different words, but to me it all boils down to what I said. We don't want to be viewed as failures... not in a relationship any more than on the job. help any ?Bangles

October 4, 2004
11:21 am
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Hey sunny,

thats a great topic. I'm reading a book about the inner child withing, I got stuck on a section with a similiar question last weekend. Its part of finding myself, who I am, and what I am truly fearful of. I drew a blank. I'm gonna think about this one. Thanks for a great post.

October 4, 2004
1:00 pm
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kathygy
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I have different kinds of fears. Some fears my best response is to talk to myself rationally and reassure myself. I tell myself I'll know what to do. Other fears like my fear of flying doesn't work with the rational so there its real important for me to be willing to feel the fear then it passes through.

My greatest fear right now is that Bush will get re-elected! Next to that I'm afraid of loosing my job and being unemployed. I'm also afraid of developing breast cancer. I am sure I do everything possible for early detection.

Then there's the fears I can do nothing about like terrorist attacks. That I have to turn over to God.

I also have a fear of anger. I'm in therapy to help me stand to angry people who mistreat me.

October 4, 2004
2:08 pm
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luvlee
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Hey Kathygy,
We DO have something in common - a fear of bush being re-elected! =)

October 4, 2004
2:11 pm
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Anonymous
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well I have a fear of dying, I think we fear what we don't know. But then again I know about spiders and I fear them tremendously even the small ones. SO who is to say. I think that we just don't like certain things and therefore our bodies produce a certain chemical that makes us afraid of it, fight or flight?

October 4, 2004
4:11 pm
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Eliot
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I am afraid of being alone. That fear is quite powerful and has, in part, caused me to "settle" for less than I deserve in relationships. Funny how it works, but I love having "alone time," but the idea of being without a partner frightens me.

I am trying to realize that there are other types of companionship that are equally grounding. Like friendship, and prayer/meditation. Not there yet . . .

October 4, 2004
7:05 pm
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brendalee
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To answer the question...it's built into our reptilian brains: Fight, flight or freeze reaction. Fear is natural. Animals live with fear each and every day of their lives. To quote the back flap of the book "Waking the Tiger - Healing Trauma by Peter A Levine:" why are animals in the wild, though threatened routinely, rarely traumitized? By understanding the dynamics that make wild animals virtually immune to traumatic symptoms, the mystery of human trauma is revealed. Great book!
Quote from beginning of Chapter 1: No matter where we are, the shadow that trots behind us is definitely four-footed. - Clarissa Pinkola Estes, PhD from Women Who Run With The Wolves.

October 4, 2004
7:21 pm
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People are often uncomfortable with the unknown in general, and maybe that's where fear comes in. Sometimes we can find ourselves being "afraid" in situations that are no way risky, just brand new.

-ella

October 4, 2004
7:27 pm
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free
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Fear has paralyzed me in the past. Sometimes, it still does.

My ex monster told me more than once that he might go on a shooting spree and shoot everybody I loved and everybody who helped me and then himself, and maybe before he shot himself shoot me in the knees so I could live the rest of my life "thinking about my decision."

This was a paralyzing fear to me. I felt the need to protect them, and often still do. It is no longer paralyzing, but I still try to manage things- as if I have the power to protect these people i love from somebody who is just not all there in the head.

Some people claim this threat is just a ploy, an attempt to control me. But to me, it is terrifying. And to some extent, does control me, especially whether or not I enforce things or stand up to him.

It has been hard to let go of. It has been hard to not try to control whether or not he follows through. It has been hard, in this situation to say to myself "i cannot control him, only my reaction to him."

i am terrified of having to control my reaction to him if he were to ever follow through.

I can't tell this to very many people. My ex monster is a charmer and people just can't believe he would ever do this.

But a part of me knows he is capable. All these people, they never knew or lived through what I have. They don't know what he has done. They have no way of knowing, not for sure. Only he and I do. There are things he has said and done that only he and I know. Things I would never tell, not because I have a need to protect him, but because they are not believable- people would think I was the nutcase. So there are many things I keep to myself.

These things are what makes that part of me know he is capabale.

that's scary.

It terrifies me.

It has for some time. There was a time I needed meds to cope with it as the reality of it became so gripping. Panic attacks, sleep disturbances, all that. At some point, this terror became normal.

Live with it every day.

It blows people's minds sometimes when I tell them that.

But human beings adapt.

to me, fear is normal.

free

October 4, 2004
10:24 pm
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Well I was hoping others would respond on this thread.

Fear is an emotion that has fascinated me for a while now. It has gripped my life so deeply for so long that I've tried to learn all I can about it in an attempt to overcome it's effects on my life. It seems to come and go in severity, and I've often wondered if denial plays a part in the "going" phases.

I'm wondering if the statement "to me, fear is normal" makes no sense to anybody else.

That kinda bites.

free

October 5, 2004
8:36 am
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OMG! I am reading ya'lls comments about fear. I just read the entry by free. I am reading all about me. I never thought there was anyone else out there that lived that "bad mafia movie" type life. There isn't a thing free said that is not me to the fullest.

I have been out of my situation for 13 years and the ex monster is still and has always still been a threat. The only peace I have received other than from God is that he finally moved away.

I don't know how to deal with fear. I still have nightmares, anxiety. But I have learned a bit from reading your entries. Thank you all.

October 5, 2004
8:40 am
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mamacinnamon
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PS. "To me fear is normal" Yes, makes perfect sense to me. For me it is a way of life. Always looking over your shoulder to see who he has watching you or if he's there.

October 5, 2004
11:26 am
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sdesigns
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Free: You blew my mind with that story. I can't imagine. That is not just fear, it is terror like you say. I am glad he is an "ex" but sounds like he still has influence over you and is close by. It scared me just to read that. I know you say this is all "normal" to you now, but how long can you survive that? I don't think there would be enough drugs in the world for me to cope with that. What are you doing about it to protect yourself, may I ask? SD

October 5, 2004
1:40 pm
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kathygy
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luvlee,

Yep we do. How about that?

Kathy

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