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a purely sexual relationship
May 23, 2007
12:43 pm
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warcanoebabe
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I agonized for 10 years over leaving my alcoholic husband. Before leaving I met a recovering alcoholic of 27 years, who is an additciton counsellor. We walked at lunch times and we be talked about my relationship that I was very unhappy with. I had been married for 23 years. He dropped little hints about his attraction to me. I began to have fellings for him and it was ultimately because of him that I found the courage to leave. I moved close to him and we immediately began secret sexual relationship. We both agreed on this
point.It was simply too early to venture out. He told me just after we started the relationship that he had been engaged but that he felt time is what he needed to heal. Often he made postivse comments about the future and about all we had in common. We spent hours and hours with each other basically in bed hugging, touching and talking. It was hard for him to leave. It was hard for me to let him go. We did this 2 - 3 times per week. It has been one of the sweetest experiences of my life. We have been into it for over two months now. I love this man but lately I had begun to feel like I wanted more and started asking question about his previous relationship. There were times I became jealous. She was 10 years younger and I believe very attractive. To make a long story short we talked and he said that I was not able to accept the realation ship for what it is - a sexual one. He said that he still was i love with his ex and that my questions had started him thinking of her. I had to call it off. He said that he would call me in a couple of weeks. I do not know what to do. Would I devalue myself by remaining in this relationship? Do I have any hope of winning this man over.

May 23, 2007
12:58 pm
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StronginHim77
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Whoa. An addiction counselor who gives you counsel, then takes you to bed? Even though his "counsel" was casual, I would consider his conduct ethically questionable.

In answer to your questions...

1. Yes. In my opinion you would be devaluing yourself by remaining in this relationship because it is not really a RELATIONSHIP. He is taking. You are giving. And he has already told you that it is simply SEX for him. JUST sex. How bloody convenient of him to decide this AFTER bedding you down and having his fun. So, are you willing to settle for just being used for sex with NO commitment, NO love, NO fidelity? Tough choice, eh?

2. Do you have any hope of winning him over? My answer: why the heck would you want him? This man is shallow, a user, unkind, selfish and heartless. MOVE ON. You have already endured 10 years of emotional abuse, married to an alcoholic. And you have jumped into bed with this recovering alcoholic who as emotionally unavailable as your exhusband because you NEED love, affection...all the caring and goodness which your marriage failed to provide. Remember that ALL alcoholics/addicts are emotionally unavailable. That means it's all about THEM. They are incapable of loving anyone because they don't even love themselves.

So, gather your dignity and self-worth and initiate No Contact with this Monster. You were vulnerable and he took advantage of you. Now, shut the door to him. Learn to be alone and at peace. Get into counseling or therapy...whatever you can afford. Find out WHAT attracts you to these emotionally unavailable men. And keep posting on these threads. The people here are so caring and non-judgmental. And many of them have been in your shoes. It will help to be able to talk about all those painful feelings that are beating you up right now.

- Ma Strong

May 23, 2007
12:59 pm
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taj64
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Well I wish I had good news for you but he is stating exactly what this is and you have to pay attention to what the guy is saying because he is saying it is just about sex. If the guy is interested in relationship, he would be showing it and taking you outside of the bedroom. This relationship is purely based on sex and the cuddling and pillow talk makes it hard for a woman to be in this type unless you are ok with it and you are not. You are in love with him but he is not with you and in the end you will suffer a broken heart. I personally do not see any hope. You'd be better off without him and get back on track to find what you really want. Remember that statement you see when you log on, when you settle for less than you deserve you get even less. And remember that you do deserve better than just to be somebody's sex partner and confidant. You have two choice "as is" or go on. When relationships start out in secret they rarely turn out. That is definately a red flag. You deserve a man who is available, proud to be with you and out in the open. Men like this will show it if they truly do care about you. I am still learning this concept myself. But I get out quicker and let the guy know I won't stand for it. Get on the "next" bus!

May 23, 2007
1:08 pm
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itsmynick
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chalk up that 2 months for what it was - fun, and continue on.. consider it as something that u needed (physically and emotionally) and just move on..

i've been there.. in between relationships i needed some, got it and moved on.. did i feel used? hmmm, no, cuz i got what i needed/wanted.. did i wish it could've lasted? hmmm, yes, but in reality i knew with the guy i had 'fun' with, it couldn't. I suppose it could have, but i would have been fooling myself to think i could be the one to 'settle' him down to 1 woman! 🙂

take care, u will find what u deserve..let go and let God.. it'll happen.. 🙂

May 23, 2007
2:07 pm
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AQueen
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I agree with all of the other posts. Don't freak out though. Just stop contact and move on. Maybe you needed someone to help you break out of your bad marriage. He's not boyfriend material. He's a bootycall. Don't get the two mixed up. You had some fun and now it's time to move on and move up in the world! But before you go looking for Mr Right I would take some time to chill and be alone. You just got out of a long marriage and really need some single time. Time to find out who you are now that you are divorced and single. Try some new things, meet new friends, live! If you need counseling, get it. Life is tooooooooo short to waste on deadend relationships.
AQueen

May 23, 2007
2:42 pm
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warcanoebabe
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May 23, 2007
2:42 pm
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warcanoebabe
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May 23, 2007
3:36 pm
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nappy
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You wrote:

I had to call it off.

He said that he would call me in a couple of weeks.

Sweetheart, this man was not even listening to what you said.

He didn't hear I'm calling this off.

He heard, OK, I will be waiting until you get through doing what you are doing and when you want to have sex, I will be waiting.

And when you do something in secret, it will always come out into the light. And this situation is coming out very clearly.

You need to tell this joker to go about his business because if you don't and you get suck back into his bed and his devlish ways,
He is going to leave being satified, and you are going to be in misery.

Nappy!

May 23, 2007
3:52 pm
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atalose
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Believe what this man is telling you he's only into it for the sex.

I am sure as a counsellor he is very much aware of your codependency so of course he is going to call you becuase he is expecting you to jump. Do not devalue yourself. Accept this for what is was, he helped you get beyond your alcoholic husband, he made you feel love again in your life and now it's time for you to move on. Your recovery is far more important. Don't let him use your codependency for his own selfish desires.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

May 23, 2007
4:02 pm
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fantas
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war...The answer to your question is yes, you would be devaluing yourself if you remained in this relationship. This fellow is qualified enough to know better and he took advantage of you. I put 90% of the responsibility on him. He knew exactly what he was doing. The fact that you have lived with an alcoholic for 10 years means that you do have codependency tendencies and he fully understood that. I also think that the loving feelings, the care and the goodness you felt by being with him was real for you, being with him awakened a part that has been needing to feel loved for a long time so I'd say hold on to that, honor that, and know that those feeling are already in you. He didn't give those to you, you simply allowed yourself to go there when you were with him and you can go there again when you find a healthier and more respectful man. He is not the one. Do you attend alanon or CoDA? The people there would be very helpful to you because they all get it...they have been there. All the best to you. Keep coming back.

May 29, 2007
10:51 pm
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58burst
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we're both in the same boat. I had a sexual obsession with a brazilian go - go dancer. After getting to know her, 6 months later she then told me she was married. i was heartbroken, and full of remorse. But my OCD had developed, and I've come to terms with it, as well as, confronting and am trying to beat it. She is as much a predator as your counselor. taking advantage of someone's vulnerability. Like you, I also wanted a normal, loving relationship. I loved her in vein. It was because of all the turmoil I went through these past two years, I discovered I am codependent. In hindsight, she looked down on me.

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