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A page from my journal I just need to share...
March 1, 2005
9:15 am
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peacesoul
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I sit here like a zombie every morning. I come to work in a daze, and need to write so I do not lose my mind. How can this person be allowed to walk the earth? There are so many evil people out there and it’s like they are put here to test us.
I really truly had feelings for this person. By no stretch was it true love or was I even in love, but the feelings were there. Now to get rid of them is so hard.
All one can do is function with the pain. There is no going back, there is no fixing so you just have to move on with the pain.
I have a hard time grasping the concept of “the end”. I am not good with closure.
There are times I still cannot believe it’s over for good. That it’s the end. And what kills me is he made the decision…not me! It should have been me and this is a painful lesson that if there is a next time I will walk away.
I have not grasped the extent of how destructive that relationship was. The fantasy of what it could have been and what I wanted it to be are still dancing around my head.
When I was with him I hated him immensely and now that we are apart, I can only think of the good times we had. Though the bad times outweighed the good times.
The fact that he dumped me by email while I was at work was so hurtful and cowardly.
I think he was playing me because the week prior I told him I wanted out but caved in and stayed again. I think he was trying to make me pay b/c he knew I wanted out so he left before I did. I think he was trying to scare me so when I took the bait and told him “fine, it’s over have a good life” I think he was startled.
Who cares if he was playing me by trying to scare me, that right there shows the mind games he so loved to play with me.
I can’t wait for the day I wake up and never think about this. I would LOVE to have the memories of him wiped out of my head for good. I would love nothing more than to never think about him and all the awful disgusting things he did to me.
Living with bad memories is torture. Forget learning from the past, I would rather not learn anything if this is the pain we have to feel to learn from.
My brain is fried, I am so tired, I cannot focus…my mind is so confused.
This is not fair. It’s not fair that he gets to live his life without this pain. I know he is in a constant pain from his addictions and has an empty heart and soul, but he will never know the pain of this hurt. He will never even allow himself to feel this hurt cause as soon as he feels any form of discomfort he will be pumping up on drugs, fucking some other girl and drinking himself silly.
What throws me off is he was so heartfelt when he told me all the great stuff I wanted to hear and he was so believable and we were so close and loving it’s so hard to swallow thinking he was living a double life and lying about it all.
And I truly believe he meant all the stuff he was saying at the time, but he could never stick to it. He got scared! He is so afraid to feel anything; pain, love hate whatever. As soon as he felt something, he did anything to numb it out. So when his feelings about me got too real, he ran, he ran to other women or drugs or whatever the medicine of the day was.
I think that truly is the difference between people like him (addicts) and people like me (co addicts) we are not afraid to feel pain and they are so afraid they become self destructive.
This still does not make the pain of this situation any easier to deal with because I am now left with all the pain from deceit and all the pain from my broken dreams. And more so, left with all the anger.
Not sure what to be angry at, this is who he is. I don’t think he intentionally did anything to hurt me, he was just out of control. It does not forgive his actions b/c he can take control and not do harmful things, but that would be like me saying I should have all this control over my co-addiction.
We are all flawed and sometimes we just get involved with the wrong people. It feels right because there was love, but love is really only 1/10 of a bond. Unfortunately, I made the other parts with him the addiction. There was nothing nurturing about this relationship. It tore me down and made me bitter.
Unless I am empowered and nurtured why let this linger? Why not just let it go?
The aftermath still takes my empowerment and need for nurturing away.
Surges of anger are normal, sadness is normal all of these crazy emotions I feel right now are completely normal, but it’s also normal to want to heal and the longer I stay angry and resentful is the longer I stay in my co addiction.

March 1, 2005
9:18 am
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hopeful for change
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I have been their, and I am in another just as screwed up situation. I know the only way out of what your feeling is through it. I think the key is that we don't allow ourselves to be in the repeated relationship with another person. Good Luck

March 1, 2005
9:36 am
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on my way
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"the longer I stay angry and resentful is the longer I stay in my co addiction"

You do not sound c-addicte to me..sounds like you loved someone adn they did not love you back the way you wanted too, perhaps deserve. You have the right to hurt, be angry...cry when you can, go for a walk, pray..you'll get through it.

You also need to forgive him ..when you can, but moreso forgive yourself..this will heal you more than anything.
Prayers and hugs for you..

March 1, 2005
9:52 am
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peacesoul
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OMW...thanks for the prayers and hugs, I so appreciate that :- )

But yes I am a co-addict. I am actually in a 4 month therapy program for co addiction (codependancy).
My ex is a drug and sex addict and I knew he was cheating and doping up and I stayed, I stayed for 2 1/2 years with this.
I did love him but in a very coaddicted way. As much as I loved him is as much as I hated him. I wanted out many times but could just not leave. I was afraid if I did leave he would crumble...(ha..as if)
He would beg me to stay. We broke up once for 3 months and he begged and pleaded to come back...so I took him back.
This was just a very sad screwed up situation....
Keep the prayers coming...I could use all I can get

Thanks to both for your kind words

March 1, 2005
11:51 pm
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chickyfighter
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You guys I know it's easier said than done but try to remember that all this pain is building character, at least that is what I tell myself. For some reason not wanting to let go b/c we are afraid to hurt them seems so illogical b/c they really cannot know what that word "care" means when they are screwing everyone else and then expecting you to stay anyway. I will pray for all of us, the pain goes away faster each time, the key, I know now, is to recognize the pattern and the things that draw us into these relationships to begin with. You guys stay strong! Many hugs!!

March 2, 2005
11:25 am
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Anonymous
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Peacesoul,

First of all, thank you for sharing such a personal part of your journey with us. It is not an easy thing to do. I understand because, believe it or not, part of the reason I visited this thread is because I have some of my journal over on the Lib. Brew side.

You are doing what you need to do the heal and overcome. That something to be proud of. You may never have to be the one to end a bad relationship because you are working so hard to learn, grow and heal that you're going to know how to avoid this in the future. I think that shows a lot of spiritual maturity on your part (as does your name, Peacesoul...)

Again, thank you so much for sharing!!!

Love to you,

Ren'ai

March 2, 2005
11:33 am
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peacesoul
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Hi Ren'ai....and yhank you for taking time to read my thoughts.
I find these msg boards are very helpful. To see most of us here for the same reason sharing our stories is very healing.

I posted this because I knew only those suffering could relate.
I am working hard at healing and trying to love myself.
I am 38 and been in two very long term unhealthy relationships so it's time ;- )

Thank you for your love and kind words and thanks again for taking time to read about me :- )

March 2, 2005
12:05 pm
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dying inside
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Dear creature of God, you just described me... I can feel your sadness and your loneliness,but you know? touch your heart, and you'll see he's still beating!!! YOU'RE ALIVE!!..let's thanked for that..I am and the very same situation like you.. so I can share your pain...and maybe somewhere in ourselves we'll find the strenght that we need...I am here for you..I don't know if I can give you any advice being a person that has been abused for almost 20 years by the same bastard...but I HAVE TO BELIEVE that there's SOMETHING that is going to take your pain and my pain away...when we are ready..hugs...

March 2, 2005
12:05 pm
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dying inside
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Dear creature of God, you just described me... I can feel your sadness and your loneliness,but you know? touch your heart, and you'll see he's still beating!!! YOU'RE ALIVE!!..let's thanked for that..I am and the very same situation like you.. so I can share your pain...and maybe somewhere in ourselves we'll find the strenght that we need...I am here for you..I don't know if I can give you any advice being a person that has been abused for almost 20 years by the same bastard...but I HAVE TO BELIEVE that there's SOMETHING that is going to take your pain and my pain away...when we are ready..hugs...

March 2, 2005
12:17 pm
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willitgetbetter
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Dear Peacesoul,
I can only say I know what you are going through, as do most of the great people here. Just remember, and it's easy for me to say now, there is light at the end of the tunnel. When I was desperate three months ago, people kept saying to me, learn to love yourself. Actually, I hated myself but didn't realise it at the time. One thng I have learned is to love myself. it doesn't happen overnight and no one can put a time scale on it. But when it happens, you look back and say, " hey all of you users, all of you who have shit on me, I'M STILL HERE!!!". Tell yourself, "I AM STRONG".
My love and prayers are with you, trust me, you will get through this.

March 2, 2005
8:35 pm
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peacesoul
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Hi DInside and WGB....Thank you so much for your encourament.
Because none of my friends or family have even been through what I have, it's so sweet to know that there really are others that feel exactly how I feel.
As you both know, when you are in the midst of this pain, you feel crazy and alone. It's so odd to share my thoughts (part of my journal) with strangers, but you understand so that's so great !

Folks like you and others on this msg board have made me feel alive with hope again.

WGB, I am on the path to loving myself right now. And I am confident that I will do it.

Thank you so much....hugs and prayers to you both :- )

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