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A newbie needing help...
March 22, 2004
8:34 am
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lindalee
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September 27, 2010
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My husband and I have been together for 24 years. We have 3 great kids. My problem is that he has a serious problem with anger. He's very hostile and unpredictable. Dont get me wrong he's not dangerous (although he has hit me in the past it was many years ago and I'm alot stronger now than I was then so he knows better!)Anyway, I think my problem now is basically that I have been so hurt by his anger, his porno addiction(recovered he says ?), his yelling at me and the kids. i have realized that I've been afraid of him and have been living in fear for along time. I am afraid of his anger and his moods. I am just tired of it all. Our oldest daughter is in therapy becuase of her bad reltionship with her dad.
Sometimes things get better for ahwile but they ALWAYS get bad again. Its a pattern. We tried counseling for a few months but the counselor 'offended' him and he wont go back. I moved into the guest bedroom recently
just to get some peace.I am tired of living with somebody that I dont like. He makes me feel bad about myself and I dont enjoy his company. I am 40 years old. I have loved this man for most of my life and I suppose that will never change,but now I have simply come to dislike him a great deal. Am i stupid here? Am i blind? Am I over reacting? Should i just be gratful that I have a 'nice life'? I am so confused and hurting and depressed.

March 22, 2004
8:59 am
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tooscared
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September 30, 2010
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Welcome Lindalee. I don't think you are overreacting at all. I think you have put up with a lot of things all these years and maybe you are finally ready to make things better for yourself. I think there comes a point where we have been doormats for long enough and we start to realize that we want more out of life. Maybe it is hitting the 40 mark or maybe it is something else, but I think there comes a time where we step back and re-evaluate what has been going on in our lives.

I would still suggest you going to counseling whether or not your husband wants to go or not. Do you have support outside of your marriage from friends or family or a church? Those things are also important as you look to make some changes. I would tell you to start taking time for yourself. You have probably spent the last 24 years trying to take care of your husband and your children and maybe the things that make you truly happy have taken a backseat to your family.

I am glad that you are reaching out on here. There are a lot of great people on this site who truly do care and have been through a great deal in their own lives.

To live in fear of your husband's anger and moods is not living the "nice life". You are not free to be yourself when you have to constantly worry about what is going to set your husband off.

Take care and please continue to write and share. Sometimes it helps just to know that others care and are going through similar circumstances.

March 22, 2004
9:11 am
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Freya
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September 27, 2010
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Your story sounds a bit like my family of origin. It sort of made my tighten up inside. You are living in fear. Trying to keep the peace and not rock the boat. Inside you are slowly dissolving. Never invalidate your own personal feelings. You are entitled to feel anyway you want- it is the truth- your truth and no one can take that away from you. I remember when my dad had his break through in therapy, he was ready to walk out of her office when she asked him "what are you affraid of?" His biggest fear was losing his family and fortunately, he chose to do some work. He didn't stay there long as she did at some point get a little too deep into his psyche but he stayed long enough to learn how to communicate honestly. Hearing about your daughter made my heart sink. I hated my father and wished him dead for 23 years of my life. I assumed he hated me too. I was petrified of his voice. In the midst on a separation between he and my mother, I somehow convinced him to come to therapy with me. Finally I was able to have the relationship I had always wanted with him. He passed away 3 years ago. I was fortunate to have no unresolved issues with him and I was OK with it. Thinking about it though, the anger, the screaming and the fear seem like such a waste of time. I would really like to talk to your husband and let him in on what he is missing with his daughter. Know you have a huge support group. Freya.

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