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A NEW LIFE
August 31, 2007
1:13 am
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marypoppins
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My husband is moving out in one week. The countdown begins. We have been together for most of the last 16 YEARS.

I'm anxious about paying the bills myself, especially the mortgage, taking good care of my daughter and myself, being on my own and learning to enjoy it and thrive.

Also I'm sad about the end of the marriage but hopeful we'll achieve a harmonious shared custody arrangement (although right now I can hardly bear to look at him).

However, I'm curious and excited about this new chapter in my life. So many emotions. I'm also ending a very long friendship with an ex-boyfriend I thought I might some day have a future with. He was my closest friend.

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THEY DID OR DIDN'T DO. It doesn't change anything. They did what I allowed for a long time. And I put up with things that battered my self-esteem.

I'm seeing a counselor again, re-reading recovery books, reading and posting on this board, and trying to learn NEW WAYS OF THINKING, FEELING, AND BEHAVING. My self talk has to change. I have wanted more for a long time, but I've been too afraid to go after it.

It was easier to stay stuck, to blame, to make excuses. Still, I fall into going over what "they" have done and torturing myself with thoughts about the exbf and his new gf. What a waste of time and energy that is.

I catch myself wanting to beg, plead, and accept ALL the blame. But that's not going to be "me" anymore.

Today I'm excited about my future. More of my thoughts these days are about freedom and new possiblities. I'm learning to be grateful for friends and family who give to me willingly and love me as I am.

THIS BOARD was the catalyst.

thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou ALL!

Mary

August 31, 2007
12:12 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Good Luck Mary, I wish you all the best.....horsfly

August 31, 2007
12:24 pm
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fantas
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All the best Marypoppins. Keep us posted!

August 31, 2007
4:14 pm
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CAMER
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Mary, i wish you luck, support and strength during this new change in life. You sound like you know what will happen, things may be hard, and teary at times, marriage is a huge loss, but as one door closes another opens & time for a new life for you.

(((camer)))

August 31, 2007
4:43 pm
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sad sack
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Hi Mary,

I don't know your entire story, but I wanted to respond nevertheless.

You come across as a wonderfully strong and insightful woman. YOur story will be an inspiration to so many others who are dissatisfied with their situations. GOod for you for making that gigantic (and scary) step to detach from an unfulfilling relationship.

I wish you the best. I have the utmost confidence that you will come out of this a much stronger woman.

Sad

August 31, 2007
5:58 pm
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marypoppins
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Dear Horsefly, Fantas, Camer, and Sad,

Thanks to all of you for responding and giving encouragement. It helps so much.

I'll be 46 next month, and I've struggled with all types of abuse and addiction throughout my life. There is not much on this board that I can't relate to in one way or another. I don't always post, but I keep reading for support, inspiration, and a reminder that I'm not alone.

I've read posts by all of you, and I admire your warmth, wisdom, and kindness. Good luck and hugs to each of you. And again, thank you.

Mary

August 31, 2007
6:23 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Dear Mary, Your post was one of the most sincere and straight to the point threads I have read. I got alot from it for myself. horsefly

August 31, 2007
8:06 pm
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readytobefree
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Mary,

You go!! You can do it : )

I am right there with you, I can only hope that my soon to be X is moved out in a week but I can feel the weight lifting from my shoulders.

I read your thread and so could relate.

If you are strong enough to have gotten this far in life with such insight, you are strong enough to keep it all in balance.

It is interesting how you mentioned you allowed it all to happen. Previously I could think about how I was so angry because he was doing this or that and did he consider what it was doing to our family but the bottom line is I allowed for it to continue. I feel as though someone opened the blinds and now I can see clearly. It is amazing, I have made so many excuses for the past 17 years. Not anymore, I am finally seeing the picture as it is, not what I want to see.

Enjoy your new life, bless you and your daughter.

August 31, 2007
8:41 pm
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Anonymous
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Sorry about your divorce and lost friendship. You´re brave to open space for the new and to want to grow!

You may be an inspiration to me! Your emotions may be mixed at the unknown but you seem "globally oriented" as shrink might say. Keep strong!

hugs,

August 31, 2007
8:41 pm
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marypoppins
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Dear Readytobefree,

You go, too!!! I send you and your child(ren) my support. And I completely understand the anger towards your husband. They ARE responsible for their actions, and we CAN be angry about the impact of those actions on us and our children, but we can't force those men to change. It's very disappointing, but as you and I both finally realized, we needed to end our unhealthy marriages and accept that we couldn't do the work for our husbands, too. No one can say we didn't try.

I'm happy to hear that you feel relief. You seem to be strong and comfortable with your decision to do what is best for you and your family.

Good luck to you! You're not alone! I hope I haven't made too many assumptions about your situation. I think I remember reading that you were going through a divorce, but I don't remember the specifics of your situation.

You mentioned seeing things clearly now. I found that after I admitted to my parents and sisters and myself the truths of my marriage, I couldn't go back to being "blind".

Take care!

Mary

August 31, 2007
8:58 pm
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readytobefree
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Mary,

No assumptions, you have hit it dead on!

I too have been saying it out loud this week, "I have asked X for a divorce", no moving backwards only forwards.

I am comfortable in my choice. We seem to have a lot in common. I agree, we can't change these men and we can't do it all (although we have tried!) and the sad fact of the matter is if they didn't create waves with their choices, sadly we probably could do it all, ha!!! That of course is not necessarily a healthy relationship, but it certainly is a co-dependent one!

Life is worth living, not merely getting by or hiding behind the fear of the "mess" in our lives.

As I was talking to a friend the other day, I said "can you imagine, I was happy at times, thinking my life was ok but really not having the partner that I thought I had. Can you imagine how good it will feel to love and to be loved in a healthy relationship without all of this mistrust and lack of support?"

If I am meant to love again, I pray for the day that it happens and I will enjoy every minute of it. I was a good wife, I trusted and forgave so many times over, I tried. I understood, I cared. It's not me, I deserve to be loved, it's him...he is the one that needs to resolve his issues. I can't do it for him.

You take care too. Nice talking with you.

August 31, 2007
9:16 pm
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marypoppins
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Dear Sininho,

Thank you for your support. The loss of both men at the same time is difficult. Still a lot of grieving to do, but encouragement from kind people like yourself is helpful. I like how you phrased this process as opening space for the new. Right now, I'm focusing mostly on the relief from and adjustment to not beating my head against the wall in these relationships. What is "new" at this time is loving myself more.

Hugs and good luck to you also in all of your endeavors!

Mary

September 1, 2007
4:12 pm
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lalasgirl
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so mary...the next new person to love in your life is YOU.

fall in love with the woman you were created to be. give her love, support, and plenty of time to evolve in to the person you are supposed to be.

all the things you have gone through were the exact steps you were to take. you are to be congratulated for making it to the other side. there is a life after a divorce. just be careful to choose the correct path and watch out for the detours...i took too many of those. stay in the light and enjoy the time to come.

this old life isn't a dress rehearsal it is the one and only one we get to have....the stage is set....and you are the star. take good care of you and your daughter...((((mary))))....

September 1, 2007
5:59 pm
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marypoppins
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Dear Lalasgirl,

Thank you so much for everything you wrote, Lalasgirl. Yes, I do need to learn how to truly love myself. I've spent time scolding the men who haven't treated me well, but I'm guilty of years of self-battering. I will remember your advice to give myself love, support, and time and to "stay in the light". Wise words indeed from one who obviously speaks from experience. It is generous of you to share.

Thank you so much for taking the time to offer your support. I send a hug and wish you and your loved ones the best in life.

Mary

September 2, 2007
8:50 am
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thedogsmom
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""IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THEY DID OR DIDN'T DO. It doesn't change anything. They did what I allowed for a long time. And I put up with things that battered my self-esteem.I catch myself wanting to beg, plead, and accept ALL the blame. But that's not going to be "me" anymore. ""

Hello Marypoppins, these words sound familiar to my ears...as this too is how I have been feeling. I was attracted to your title for a NEW life. I could actually have written what you wrote..changed a few of the minor details.....
I am so proud of you..doing all that you need to do...reading, writing, talking it out with friends and family..and moving FORWARD to that better life. I too..find excitement along with a touch of fear.. (kind of like that first day of school)...of moving forward and trying to put the past behind me....

It is exciting to think of all the opportunities that lie ahead. You sound like a very strong and wise woman who is beginning to like herself more and more as you should. For if you don't truly love yourself..it's hard to find others that will appreciate you and treat you with the love and respect that you deserve.

I am currently reading a book called the "four agreements... Be impeccable with your word...don't take anything personally, don't make assumptions, and always do your best...
Its helping me towards a new way of thinking/feeling and reacting...

Once again..I'm happy for your progress. I know it won't be easy. This is a major change in your life.. but You will make it through this.. and because of all it..you will be a stronger and healthier and happier person! Me too!

TDM

September 2, 2007
6:10 pm
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marypoppins
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Dear TDM,

Thank you for the encouragement. It is always good to know that we are not alone. I know that whatever I may be going through, you have perhaps experienced it as well, and you're still standing strong.

You wrote:

"I am currently reading a book called the "four agreements... Be impeccable with your word...don't take anything personally, don't make assumptions, and always do your best... Its helping me towards a new way of thinking/feeling and reacting..."

I'm going to check that book out. It sounds very relevant to our struggle. Thank you for sharing that.

I also send YOU big wishes for more strength, health, and happiness in this move forward.

Take care!

Mary

September 3, 2007
11:45 am
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thedogsmom
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Thanks Mary Poppins,

Do you have the title to some of your old threads that would help me to get to know you and your story? Why are you terminating the relationship with your best friend too? Must be really hard for you...but it sounds like you are growing wiser and will most certainly get to that better healthier and happier life out there waiting for you ...

The book is the Four Agreements: A Toltec Wisdom Book by Don Miguel Ruiz.

I found it in the Jamba Juice store and would always try to read bits and pieces while I waited for my drink. Then I got a gift-card to a bookstore one day...and while looking for other
motivational books a man came into the store to buy several copies for graduation presents... Me...being the sheep and follower that I have been...
😉 decided I must buy the book too. While it does seem to over-simplify a bit and has some silliness...I found it to be very helpful in..my journey to start living life for myself...instead of always trying to please other people. I also make many decisions..or should I say...Don't make decisions at all..and just let life happen to me.. based on fear..of making the wrong decisions..so it was a good book for myself. Hope you get something from it too.

I also have several new books on my shelf waiting to be read..too much reading....too little time.
(too much work and bad television..and too little excercise! )
Awakening the Buddah Within.
Change your thoughts, Change Your Life
(Wayne Dyer)
When THings Fall Apart- Pema Chodron

along with many books on stress and heart..eating for optimum health, etc...and many yoga and excercise books.

TIme to keep reading, start excercising and PRacticing and applying what I'm learning.

Good luck to you..
TDM

September 3, 2007
2:10 pm
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marypoppins
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Dear TDM,

Hello! Hope you're having a good day. You mentioned exercise a few times. Yes, I hear you. I've been addicted to everything else, but I can't seem to get addicted to working out. Have dabbled in yoga - seems the way to go to address mind, body, and spirit. I do a lot of yardwork and gardening - that's the extent of my exercise right now.

Thank you for the book recommendations. I'll check into all of them and pass along some of mine at a later date.

As far as the "best friend" goes, he's an xbf. I've known him for about 16 years, as long as I've known my husband. He was an official bf for a few years when my husband and I were divorced THE FIRST TIME. Yeah, I married the guy twice. When the second marriage to my husband went sour and my husband moved out of our bedroom, I was in contact long distance with the exbf. He wasn't in a relationship at that time, and our interaction crossed the line of friendship. We talked about getting together, living together, and so on, but I was reluctant to get divorced without more of a commitment from him, and reluctant to leave my job, and he didn't want to move here. He's a recovering alcoholic, has been in therapy and sober going on 4 years. Mostly, he has been a very supportive friend. But although I knew a romantic relationship was neither wise nor practical, I kept clinging to it and pressuring him about it. We're very much alike, and we care for each other deeply. But, he's WITH SOMEONE ELSE now (aaaaggggghhhh), and I don't know how to just be his "casual friend". With only a little contact, I tend to fall in far and begin daydreaming about him, wanting to share all kinds of things with him that I know he'll appreciate and "get". You can see, I think, why no contact is best. I need to get on with my life and let him get on with his.

My husband moves out in just a few days. I know that once he's out of the house, it will really hit me that it has happened and the shuffling back and forth of our daughter will begin. She told me yesterday about plans she's made with her dad to stay with him. He's only moving across town. She's nearly 12. This is all happening now in September, the month of all of our birthdays. With divorce, I know my daughter will be away from me more, and I'll have more time on my own. These are a couple of the issues that kept me in the marriage for 6 years. In the first marriage with my husband, we did have a passionate sex life, many adventures, and many struggles. The second marriage has mostly been spent as roommates. He has rejected most of my advances - ALL of them in the last 2 years.

Maybe that fills you in a bit more. Thank you for asking about "my story". I have little experience letting go by choice. And I'm quite anxious about making new friends and learning to trust other people. I'll have to take it one day at a time as the 12-steppers say.

Again, have a great day and thanks for your support. You are inspirational.

Mary

September 4, 2007
11:48 am
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tarad
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Hi. I can relate to being out here on your own after spending so many years in a realationship. You can read my thread 'fresh out of a 15 year nightmare' to learn more about myself. I dont know how you are coping right now...but it has been very difficult for me. I am really lost out here. I can totally understand what you said about losing your best friend. It is hard and I hope it gets better soon. How are you coping and getting through the days? How are you healing?

September 4, 2007
11:55 am
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Anonymous
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I am new here but I just wanted to wish you well on your new journey in life. My abusers were my birth family not my husband, but I can relate to what you posted and I agree wholeheartly that we must love ourselves and treat ourselves the way we want others too, very true...took me a lifetime to learn that, at 42..i finally got the life I never had...Be well and take care of you!

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