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A Must-Read: warning, explicit content
June 3, 2006
2:01 pm
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D dog
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Who's A Girl Gotta F**k To Get Some Closure On Her Relationship With Her Father?

By Becky O'Flanahan

Well, if that doesn't take the cake. Here I am, giving it my all, but it seems like no matter what I do, I can't sleep my way out of this crazy mess. You f**k, and f**k, and f**k some more, and it still seems like nothing ever turns around. With my luck, I could probably blow every guy in town and still not achieve closure on my relationship with my father.

It's like, "Hey, ever heard of a little thing called 'resolving issues through unconscious acting-out of a maladaptive fantasy-life manifesting itself through inappropriately weak personal boundaries'?" Hello?

What's a girl got to do to come to terms with her father's shortcomings as a parent? I mean, we all have our crosses to bear, right? But for 26 years? I need some psychosexual catharsis here!

Look, I'm a normal enough person: Decent job, nice apartment, active motivation to work out my psychological issues through a warped selection of sexual partners just like the next girl. I grew up in a relatively stable household with its fair share of semi-violent neuroses and psychological abuse couched in paternal power-plays, but hey, no more so than anybody else's. I was popular in high school because I craved peer acceptance due to my workaholic/alcoholic absentee-dad issues.

I even did the whole sorority girl thing in college due to my desperate need for male approval via slavish conformity to society's image of female perfection thanks to Dad's constant insults about my looks and lack of femininity. Hey, we've all been there.

But, still, ever since I left school, I can't seem to transcend my adolescent-development traumas via psychosexual repetition compulsion. How much longer do I have to bang every emotionally distant man in a 12-mile radius before I come to terms with the man who I unconsciously picked up demented ideas of intimacy and sexuality from? Come on already!

So my dad left when I was 19, ran off with a girl who could have been my sister, and blamed the whole thing on me through a series of passive-aggressive letters over the next several years. It's not that complicated! Sleep around a lot in your mid-20s, experience an epiphanic moment of clarity, put to rest your lifelong male-acceptance issues, and move on already! People do it every day, right?

But I've nailed plenty of dudes (and I mean plenty), and where's it gotten me? Unresolvable Sexual Tension City, that's where! Even when I let coworkers finger me in the back of the supply closet, that crazy old hollow feeling won't go away. And it's not through lack of effort on my part, that's for sure! I've got a rash on my ass from all the carpet burns!

This is one gal who's been self-destructively attracted to every severely dysfunctional type you can name: Unemployable alcoholic with inadequate-nurturing issues? Banged him in the back of his mom's car. Out-of-work actor with a raging narcissism that consumes his ability to relate to other people? Went down on him in the coat-room at a wedding reception. Married men twice my age with mustaches and Midwestern accents exactly like Dad's? I've had verbally abusive drunken sex with more of them than I can count.

How long can a girl keep this up?

I am so jealous of how easy the other girls make it look. Take my old roommate, Gloria. Her father was a sexually repressed germaphobe who made her feel incredibly self-conscious about her body. Okay, fair enough. But what does she do about it? She overcompensates and goes to bed with a couple of unsavory characters her dad would never approve of, adjusts for it when they don't work out by marrying an anal-retentive button-down-type just like dear old dad, and voila! Total closure, a stable marriage reinforced by mutual sexual neuroses, and in no time, three kids to pass her pathologies on to without realizing it.

But not this girl! No way, buster. I try everything—threesomes, anonymous phone sex, obsessive e-mail exchanges with guys in prison who want to jerk off on my face—and, still: nothing in the way of any therapeutic psychological breakthroughs.

I'm going out of my mind—and my clothes! I swear, if I don't resolve some deeply buried interpersonal-relationship issues here soon, I just might have to call a shrink—but knowing me, I'd f**k him, too.

June 3, 2006
2:40 pm
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LotusTampa
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I hate to say I relate to this...but, I do!

😛

However, being able to relate to it means I am CONSCIOUS of what I've been doing all these years...and, I'm quite hell-bent on ensuring that behavior is a thing of the past.

Thanks for sharing DD.

Lotus

June 3, 2006
2:43 pm
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Worried_Dad
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My Take:

She seems to have internalized a model of men and relationships that precludes intimacy. She doesn't really believe in or particulalry want intimacy. Maybe she is afraid of it. Being intimate is an act of curage. Learning to be intimate is hard work, if you didn't learn it early.

She sort of gets it. She has enough psych jargon to suggest that she knows that the problem really is inside her. She just can't fathom the next step to healing and wholeness. And maybe she doesn;t even really want to go there. Maybe she enjoys complaining about her father and the men sh has been with and her own neurosis too much.

I think she just needs to grow up.

June 3, 2006
2:48 pm
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LotusTampa
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WD:

Valid points about her fear of intimacy.

I'm not quite sure I agree with your comment, "I think she just needs to grow up.". I think it goes deeper than that.

That may, indeed, be a component of her poor choices, however, I feel she has 1)created a cycle for herself...a love/hate relationship with herself and 2) she has not found self-love, therefore she is seeking it in other ways, albeit unhealhy.

I think we are all "growing up" until we die...just some at other paces than others.

I do agree with your assessment ofher "intimacy" issues...I have them myself.

Lotus

June 3, 2006
2:49 pm
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D dog
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WD -

I think that she probably totally gets it....I mean, this was an article from "The Onion", which is a site pretty much devoted to satire.

But you are 100 percent correct in your viewpoint...seeing the problem is but the first step.

;o)

June 3, 2006
3:22 pm
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garfield9547
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D Dog

I am doing the father daughter realionship in therapy now.

What do you think impact on a girl emotionally regarding the relationship between her and her father???

What happens to a women if she had a absent father figure???

Some voids cannot be filled by a penis.

Garfield

June 3, 2006
3:28 pm
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D dog
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Garfield -

True!

That is the whole point of the article. A satirical illustration of how some of us "act out" based on past - real or imagined - transgressions.

I'm sure there are other ways..and hey, maybe some people don't have issues at all...

I just thought this was really funny, cuz I myself have done it...

June 3, 2006
3:38 pm
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garfield9547
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D Dog

We act out on the past - real or imagened - I am sure there are other ways???

YEs there is. I have a fear of intimacy. My sister fits your description to a tee.
I think I have to distinguise between reality and fantasy, I am stuck in therpy at this point. My father is a N in some ways. Mother a profesional immature victim. She projected allot of her own short comings on my father.

What is it I lack from my relationship with my father in my real relationship with my husband?????

Please give some advice

Garfield

June 3, 2006
3:48 pm
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Rasputin
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Thanks D Dog for sharing this lovely and sad article with us which is very true of so many people, guys and gals - I'm pretty sure!

~Ras~

June 3, 2006
3:56 pm
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garfield9547
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D Dog

You said
(With my luck, I could probably blow every guy in town and still not achieve closure on my relationship with my father.)

This is true. By f....king somebody to get closure on your fahter is not going to wrrk. You are doing thins for the WRONG reason. What about YOU???

Why would you blow every guy in town???? To prve something? For who??

REMEMBER your father figure that you are struggling to figure out is the excact same man that your mother chose to marry.

What about your mother. What do you think of her??

Do you think you have become the one you hate?????

Please reply.

Garfield

June 3, 2006
4:19 pm
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garfield9547
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It's Saturday night here where I am and it's 10:18 pm.

Thanks for the thread. Will check again tomorrow.

I am going to bed in the nexts 30 minutes or so.

Thanks agian D Dog

Garfield

June 3, 2006
4:38 pm
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D Dog

Will catch up agian tomorrow.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend

Garfield

June 3, 2006
4:43 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Oh my God--

You tricked, ME with an Onion article?!

That is true justice!

Hey, it's my first smile of the day, thanks!!

:))

Those onion guys sometimes hit the nail on the head, though.

June 3, 2006
6:17 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Ha ha!

I am a sucker for psychobabble!

June 4, 2006
12:42 am
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glittered when he walked
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I have to laugh..I just read the Onion article before coming here...saw the first post and laughed.

June 4, 2006
1:13 am
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sewunique
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She needs to grow up, yes, but right now is in the stage of denial and blaming others for her sexual actions rather than taking on responsibility of her own life. Life is what we make it from what we have been given.

June 4, 2006
4:12 am
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Rasputin
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Where is the Onion article? Someone please direct me to it!

June 4, 2006
7:12 am
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June 4, 2006
12:44 pm
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D dog
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Hi Garfield -

Just wanted to apologize for bailing on ya...got suddenly and unexpectedly invited to a pool party and had to fly...best afternoon I've ever had, jumped off the roof of the dudes house into sparkling 12 feet deep water...I would highly recommend that to anyone needing spiritual cleansing - LOL!

On the article - yeah, I guess I can sum it up best by saying that childhood wounds do indeed run deep, but also - well, the article was written with a thread of humor running through it - pinpointing a useless behavior, bringing it into the light - "de-fusing" it, so to speak -

My dad was emotionally unavailable all my life, so yeah - I can see why I've been attracted to these same types of men in my life - unresolved issue - trying to resolve it.

I no longer even try to resolve things. The best resolution is no resolution - look at the reality, let go of your own self-inflicted pain, and just go forth in your life.

I'm really new to this, but I do have to say that the past 48 hours have been the best I've had in 42 years, so there ya go.

There are a lot of websites that could probably explain the concept better than I can. I would just type in "zen" and go from there...

Hope this helps...

Luv ya -

D.

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