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A must read from T.D. Jakes "LET IT GO"
April 25, 2006
9:19 pm
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Iamjustaguy
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To all of us struggling this is a must read- I read it twice for the understanding. Thanks Rasputin for pointing me in the right direction.

There are people in your life that can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell You this!!!
When people can walk away from you : let them walk>I dont want you to try to talk another person into staying with you,loving you,calling you,caring about you,coming to see you,staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone!!

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left>> the bible said that, "they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us.>>> for had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us". [ 1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you
And if they are not joined to you,you cant make them stay
Let them go
And it doesn't mean they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when its dead. You've got to know when its >>over.
Let me tell you something. i've got the gift of good -bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift.
I beleive in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful,it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have he'll give it to me.
And if it takes too much sweat I dont need it!! Stop begging people to stay, LET THEM GO
If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to LET IT GO!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains... LET IT GO!!
If someone can't treat you right,love you back, and see your worth... LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you...LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge,LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction, LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents, LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad attitude, LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are used to handlingyourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it" then you need to... LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for 2006!!! LET IT GO!!!
Get Right or Get Left think about it, and then LET IT GO!!! "THe Battle is the Lord's!"

It is on my board to read every day!!!!

April 26, 2006
9:50 am
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Matteo
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Thank you for posting it, I really like it.

Makes me think about how many times do I have to poke the dead to absolutely make sure that it is actually dead? LOL!

April 26, 2006
9:54 am
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Iamjustaguy
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I feell the same way, it made me look back and realize that all I wa doing was trying to resurrect the dead over and over, it was unhealthy for me, I tried to resurrect it 5 times, talk about beating a dead horse!!!

Its all in gods plan, his will, I only try to make sure I learned something that, from this day forward will make me happier and healthier.

I wish all to read it!!! We can all gain something from the strength

April 26, 2006
10:30 am
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Matteo
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Did you try to create one or 5 zombies? LOL!

The trick is to bury the poor horse, take the best memories and lessons and move on. Unfortunately it is sometimes easier said than done. But we will get there!

All the best to you.

April 26, 2006
10:41 am
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Iamjustaguy
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I tried to resurrect the zombie 5 times, actually, when I was on the road to moving on, after a few months she would, after snapping out of her anger and depression, miss me and pick up the phione cause she needed the Love and compassion which she said only i could give her.

She was right about that, but she also took advantage of it, when she did not need it or i bacame busy elsewhere, her abandonment issues came into play, then , I was out for another 3-4 months.

now I am hoping not to hear from her until I am healthy enough to be strong and not resurrect the 6th time.

good luck to you as well

April 26, 2006
11:08 am
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startingover
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The best part of an excellent thread is the preface. "There are people in your life who can walk away from you." Did you write this first paragraph, or is part of "Let it Go"? Because that first part is what I will copy and post. I finally did "hang up the phone". He walked, in a cruel way, yet I found myself begging to be his friend, and describing all my qualifications for such. That was "the last phone call", and I realized while I was talking to him that I was acting desperately, so I asked him not to call me, and changed my phone number. My destiny is definitely, however sadly, not tied to this man who left.

Thanks for the post!

April 26, 2006
11:21 am
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Iamjustaguy
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starting over,
That line you quoted was actually in the whole paragraph, let it go. I think you did the right thing, I too had detached myself, said farewell, wished her well. I know my destiny is not tied to someone like that, and if it, God works in very mysterious ways!!!!

I do hope your ex and mine recieved a "Wake Up call onn this, but we will never know.

And yes however sadly the end of that, our destiny is filled with strength , hope, love , and Gos is moving us on that path!!!

Keep in touch!!

April 27, 2006
7:40 am
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startingover
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Iamjustaguy

Thanks again for the original post; I do plan to copy and print it out. That first paragraph has touched me more than anything else I have seen written. It seems written to ME.

So, we've done the decent thiog - the farewell, wish you wells. I doubt that mine will ever have a "wake-up call'...instead I think he will use one nice person after another. However, at the risk of sounding vain, I am starting to realize that his loss is bigger than mine. He may never realize that either. Nice people like us are not at all what these ungrateful types deserve.

I wish you well in your recovery. You are a very special man, thanks for sharing here. May I ask your age, and whether or not you ex had issues with alcohol or other drugs? Or was she merely ungrateful and abusive without the aid of chemicals?

SO

April 27, 2006
8:17 am
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Iamjustaguy
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starting over,
There were no issues with alcohol or drugs, but, I am 41, she 52, there were many other issues, she suffers from depressions, almost bipolar, she also had many medical issues, 5 surgeries in 4 years, a father who mentally abused, a controlling sister and her best friend from out west is controlling AND miserable, looking back it was a no win situation.

She can truly be a nice perseon, and as you said, I know for a fact that their loss was much greater than ours. and she will do the same thing, and add to that, she has to search for another like me, well, its a losing battle for her.

I reread, let it go whenever I neeed to be reminded of who I am, where I am going.

Please keep in touch

JNG

April 27, 2006
9:59 am
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startingover
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justaguy - I suspect those multiple other issues with your ex made you a caretaker, too. They can be nice people, I think it's important to remember that side, too. However, there is a part of him / us that is "blurry" to me, and it's the part where I didn't know he was insincere. Do you know what I mean? Was he/she really nice, or is there something wrong with me or my perception? I think, in my case, a little of both. I don't plan to dwell there, I just need to grow so I can be in a better place and maybe a healthier relationship one day. You read or hear about people sensing "red flags"...and I guess I haven't sensed them.

I am soon-to-be 46, as in May 1st. This BD is the first one that has stressed me. It's now heading towards 50. This year my BF left me for an 18 year-old, I went through menopause (sorry for the TMI) uneventfully, and I've had a real hard year financially. I am an RN, have a great job, work too much (always caretaking), three children, all at home, the older two in college and one in HS. (Caretaking again). Guess what I am good at?!

I was married to the same man for 20 unhappy years. He is an alcoholic and rarely involved in his children's lives. I have only dated two men more than very casually - one was clinically depressed, and wouldn't take his medicine or see a psychiatrist. I tried real hard to "fix him". but he was so unreceptive, I quit. He left me, too. Morbidly obese, not handsome, with clinical depression, and he left me. Didn't like my kids.

The other guy was very nice, but probably because I could do things for him (there's that "blurry thing" - I'm really not sure he ever cared). I thought we had a very unique and special friendship - it wasn't very romantic, more friendly. His son died at 19 years of age (heroin OD), and this man, his father, changed too much. He drank heavily (always had), then started using heroin and crack. I didn't know it. I'm a nurse with over 20 years experience and I didn't know it. Well, in case the heroin wasn't enough, he smoked pot around my 19 year-old son, told me he loved this 18 year-old girl. All this happened in less than a week's time. Finally, I got the idea - could he say GO AWAY more clearly? This is how an addict breaks up with the person who supported him for two years after his only child's death. I'm really not that bitter after 5 months, I'm now just stating the facts. This is what addicts do - it's not a reflection on me. Begging someone on the phone to be my friend IS a reflection on me, and I WON'T go there again. Yuk.

I don't mind being alone. There's something nice about throwing a McDonald's bag on the table for dinner and saying "Here's dinner". I never felt like I could do that when I was married, or at least I didn't do that. I would still like to have a male companion, but I don't feel desperate. I just enjoy the company of a good man. I think I'll find one day what I want, when I least expect it. Am I dreaming?

Thanks for reading. I'm rather "chatty" today. Kind of a nervous morning. My ex-husband is supposed to be buying a car for my kids today, and we're waiting, hoping to not be disappointed (again).

Hope you have a great day, totally enjoy your posts,
Brenda

April 27, 2006
10:08 am
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Iamjustaguy
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Brenda,

I know exectly how you feel, after 2 months, and being pushed away 5 times in 3.5 years, I feel "blurry" about alot of things, I do not know if I were used, or if she ever cared for me.

I was the caretaker, did everything to make her comfortable through her surgeries and depressions, she SAID she appreciated it, and I was the only one who always sttod by, but then how could she walk away.

In the end, I was controlled, I see that now, will I ever be again, no, because we quickly see the signs.

I hope you have detached yourself from everything about him, I lost some great friendships that I will truly miss, but Iam more important, as you are.

and as for being alone, I dont mind it either, I love to cook, and she always loved my cooking, so I cook for myself, and somewhere thats the beginning of the things SHE lost.

Stay strong and good luck, I am always around.

JAG

April 27, 2006
10:27 am
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startingover
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Hi justaguy - we must be on at the same time. Detaching is hard, but yes, I am getting there. I had to initiate "no contact" - have you seen that thread? He was calling me and saying stupid things, leaving upsetting messages, and so on. Push away, pull back, over and over. From the minute he came to my house around my kids, strungout on heroin, I was detaching. I did go out once for a drink with him, wished him well and meant it (it was almost a relief - SO much caretaking after his son died). But he started back up with the phone calls - it became a living. breathing thing, that phone...I couldn't answer it or not answer it, so I shut his off (on my bill, of course), and changed my number. Very difficult things to do - I really thought he was my best friend.

How are you detaching? Have you tried any support groups, like Al-Anon, who are helpful with addictive relationships of any type? Distraction through work and friends, reading and posting here, and Al-Anon are what has helped me the most.

Sounds like you understand the insincerity and the caretaking things. Good luck in your recovery. Look forward to hearing from you.

SO

April 27, 2006
10:35 am
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Iamjustaguy
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Hey starting,

I totally detached, every email address, every picture cut up, every common friend eliminated, shop at different places I did in the past, common emails, the whole nine yards.

I truly feel that that helped me gain a quick perspective.

Do I dread the day she phones me, yes, I am sure she will, thats HER codependent pattern, after she realizes, she longs for it, then finds a way to contact.

I am ready for that too.

I do go to CODA support groups, I LOVE this site, keeps me sane between meetings adn gives me strength, I spend more time with my kids, I have some ME time, to read, cook and relax, I go country dancing every wednesday here in jersey, that is the awesome therapy as well. I have developed a great support network 24/7 with some other codeps who are farther along recovery than I.

Basically, through a good friend of mine, I am starting to learn how to change my behaviors and thinking, do i slip, and miss her and the good things, yes, but it seems less, but more intense when I do, eventually, it will be a memory, and thats it.

find things YOU like to do and as a codep you gave up, sometimes going back is going forward.

Strength to you

JAG

April 27, 2006
10:53 am
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startingover
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You're right about finding things you like...I became so entangled in the caretaking of this man, as well as work and my children. I have started yoga again, something I did a lot in my 20's, and gardening, which I have always enjoyed, but felt that I had no time for. Both those things I now consider therapeutic, and will make time for above other things. This has been devastatiing to me, this breakup, harder than my divorce. I was really losing it for awhile. But this site, Al-Anon, and some dear friends have kept me going. Sounds like you have a good support group, too, and I'm so glad.

Strength to you as well

SO

October 21, 2006
6:18 pm
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NeedtoHeal -

This is for you. Read it and save it or print it out and put it by your bed so that you can read it every nite and every day.

Thanks to this thread I haven't contacted my exbf from 13 November 2004 up to the present. Praise the Lord!!!

Blessings & hugs, Ras~

October 21, 2006
8:25 pm
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Rasputin
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(((Folks)))

Can someone please tell me this excerpt "Let it go" by T. D. Jakes, which we keep posting to others wanting to detach from their loved ones...which book it comes from?

I would like to purchase this book. It's really very empowering. Does anyone know? I know it is from TD Jakes, but do you know the title of the book?

~Ras

October 22, 2006
5:12 pm
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Rasputin
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Any one knows the title of this book, please!!!! I intend to purchase it.

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