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A lonely army bride's rant
December 22, 2003
3:19 pm
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gingerleigh
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So reality starts to hit. We knew it would happen, but it's going to be a l-o-n-g year. My husband is in the army, getting sent to Iraq, and has been deployed since November 15. Since deployment, I have seen him 3 times, one of which was our wedding, another when I lost my keys and he had to drive 90 miles to bring me the spares that he accidentally took with him, and then once on Friday when they got a day off. He will be back for 3 days at Christmas, but that's it. Then he has training in Georgia and California, and then straight from there they leave for the middle east, and he will be there for a year.

When he has been home the last two times, sex has been an issue. One time he was exhausted and literally fell asleep mid sentence as we were talking in the living room. And the next morning at 4:30am when he had to get up so that he could drive back to the base, he was snappy and crabby and made some bitchy comments about our sex life being in the toilet and we weren't even married a month. That hurt, I cried, he immediately apologized and said he would never take out his frustrations in the morning on me again, that he was upset and was taking out his anger on the first available target (which unfortunately happend to be me standing there with his keys in my hand and coffee in a to-go cup for him).

On Friday, we just... didn't. We've been rather unintimate sexually for the last few months of our relationship... lots of touching and hugging and feeling very close but neither of us initiating anything really sexual. I think we're both worried about it, but not sure what to do about it. Should you just go for it even though you aren't in the mood? I mean, I am NEVER in the mood now. Experts say that stress can trigger this. Well, how about war as a stressor? So there's that... and the times that he is home, I'd like to just enjoy the time with him without feeling like the sex question is hanging in the air. I'd like to get sex out of the way immediately so that we can enjoy the rest of the time together (how messed up is THAT?!?!)

Actually, the more that I think on it, except for the first few months we were dating, we never really were like bunny rabbits. When he lost his job a few years ago, we just stopped, he was depressed. When he came out of it, I got depressed, went on medication. I went off my medication, and we just never got back into a groove at all. We're married now, we love each other, we're attracted to each other, and yet I have no libido, and I think he's afraid to approach me because he's afraid he will come on too strong and alienate me even further.

And I'm really lonely. I stay really really busy, and do things with friends. I'm very active with my job and with music (so busy in fact that I almost never go home straight away after work, since I usually have a rehearsal or concert to go to). But when I finally do get home after 9:30, I just go out of my mind and have to numb myself out. I can drink a bottle of wine all on my own and not have a hangover the next day. My usual schedule any more has been to have 2 glasses of wine before bed, and the wine makes me munchy, so I'll scarf whatever is in the cupboard. I don't keep junk food around (except for the candy that family sends, I wish they'd stoppit), but I'll scrounge until I find something, bread, pita, hummus, cheese, nuts, anything! And if by the end of the second glass of wine I'm still not ready to pass out, I'll go get another glass of wine, which will usually do the trick. And if I'm still awake, then I'll have the last glass from the bottle since by that time I'm already feeling pretty damn sorry for myself and what's one more glass?

Oh I'll complain about the holidays and say it's all the extra junk food around that is expanding my middle, but I know it's not. It's the 150 calories per glass of wine, plus god knows how many calories in the bottom of the cupboard I find.

Mornings suck. I always wake up feeling so guilty about the drinking and the binging. I've even shortened my get ready for work routine so that I can get extra sleep in the morning. If I could, I would sleep all day. I haven't been able to sleep in on the weekends because I have had rehearsals in the mornings or performances at church.

My husband has asked me if I'm doing OK, and I guess I am, and I tell him that I am because that's just one more thing he would have to worry about when he already has a platoon of guys to worry about. He asked me if I am drinking at home, so I tell him that yes I am, but not much... I hide the bottles for recycling so he won't see the evidence. He apologizes every time on the phone, saying he's so sorry for the situation and that he will make things up to me when he is back from the war. It's not his fault, he is doing the best he can. I don't *think* I'm angry with him, but maybe on some level I am, I'm hurt because he has a commitment to something that takes priority over his commitment to me.

I've wondered if I'm an alcoholic. Is alcohol making my life unmanageable? No, not really. It's helping to make me fatter than I want to be, but otherwise I don't think it's impacting me. I'm not hungover in the morning, nor am I drinking in the company of others or driving after drinking. But stopping drinking would leave me awake, sleepless, and very lonely, and very scared.

I stopped drinking for a while in October and November, but in December when I got back from Thanksgiving with family back east, I just started up again.

I get so many questions about his deployment... people who want to know why he isn't gone already if deployment started on November 15th (what?!?), and if he is still here, how come I'm not living at the base (huh?), or why doesn't he get to see me more often, or why doesn't he call every night... I'm sick of explaining to people what their schedules look like, that most of the time they are doing training, they are crawling through mud and ice in Washington State in December for days on end... I'm lucky to hear from him as often as I do. I know he is doing his best, but for those nosy busy-bodies, it's not good enough, and they just tsk tsk at me. (These busy-bodies are in the chorale that I sing in, and they all know his father. Not sure if any of you have ever sung in a community choir, but this particular one is full of women in their 50's or 60's who seem to have nothing better to do than flash their anniversary rings and gossip about other choir members. One of them is my evil step-mother-in-law, who I think I've posted about before, but don't want to go into about right now because she is evil and psychotic.)

Anyway, I'm lonely and scared and really want to enjoy the few days that I will have with my husband at Christmas. I wish I could just be cheery and a sexual powerhouse, but I'm not... Should I just pretend? Because then when he's gone after that, he's really gone. I might get to see him once before they go at the sendoff ceremony that they do (which in my opinion is the dumbest thing ever, just what I want and I'm sure my husband wants, he and all his guys to be there in public watching their girlfriends, wives and children be miserable...) So this is it. What do I do?

December 22, 2003
3:37 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi Ginger,

Being military is hard, my Dad was career, served in Korea and Vietnam. Lots of people don't understand, it is just something that you eventually get used to.

Both of my husband's travled. My first husband I went with him. My husband now travels extensively for work, and it takes getting used to. Years ago it was the opposite and I traveled and it was the reverse.

When is he coming home for Christmas? I think if you relax and enjoy the moment. Enjoy that time that you have together. Once you relax you might find that your libido returns. If you are concerned about your drinking, don't. Another thing to remember is that alcohol can cause your libido to drop - although many claim it's the opposite.

I understand what you are talking about with the "grove" thing - many married people go through that, and it is not something to become overly worried about. I consider my marriage to be happy and strong, but we go through our ups and downs and different "periods" too. To not would not be normal. There have been times that for whatever reason I'm not content. Does it have to do with my husband? Sometimes, more than often not. But, he has his days. Just as I have mine.

Give it time, and again relax and enjoy the time you have to spend with him before he is deployed.

Love,

Zinnie

December 22, 2003
3:48 pm
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mj
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Hugs dear Gingerleigh....
I am glad that you talked openly about what is going on in your life.
You need to get it out. That's alot of stressors....being a newlywed, feeling quilty about lessened interest in sex, worrying about the safety of your loved one, annoyance of prying people, worrying about everything deprives you of sleep, hence the worry about drinking enough to have you able to sleep.

Gingerleigh, I am here for you. I don't have your answers just here to listen and support you. You are smart. We all have times when are drive is lessened. Maybe going back to family over Thanksgiving brought up some old issues.

Just breathe and relax. Have you ever tried Yoga. Deep breathing exercises to de-stress.
Hugs and you may feel alone but you have all of us in your corner.

December 22, 2003
5:37 pm
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Squeezles
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*hugs* Here for you too, Ginger.

I'd say it's a 'pressure' thing. Ya know, it's your first date and half the night you're thinking "is he going to kiss me at the end? Do I WANT him to kiss me? WHEN will we kiss? Shit did I clean my teeth? What if he wants something more? What if we forget to tilt our heads properly and we bump noses? That would be embarassing! And..." and your not focusing on half of what they're saying so you miss out on finding out that Wow! they like llamas and playing connect-the-dots with their freckles too!

Take it easy! You don't HAVE to have sex. You're not a 'bad wife' if you don't. Your marriage isn't going to be in the toilet just because you miss this opportunity. And since you haven't seen each other for a while it's natural that you're going to take a bit of time getting used to each other - especially considering you've said that sex has been a bit of an issue in the past. And for what it's worth half the time I don't feel in the 'mood' either, but go through the motions to please the BF only to find that part way through I discover it ain't so bad after all 😉

December 22, 2003
5:39 pm
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gingerleigh
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Thanks Zinnie and MJ, friends are what gets us through. I know I have lots of people here who I can call friends, and I'm grateful for every single one of them.

I wish that he didn't have to go. Funny, it's kind of like 9-11 in a small way, where on 9-10-01, everyone was wrapped up in such piddling concerns, until two towers get blown up and tah dah the whole world changes. And now I'm looking forward to him getting to come home for good when our biggest worry will be every day things, work, family, pets, illness, quarrels... all these things still exist today for us, but we have to deal with them separately, and he has to wonder if he will come home alive and uninjured, and I worry about becoming a widow after being married for three months.

I also get pissed at him because now I am having to take everything on, not just caring for myself, but everything else too. I just got back from mailing out packages that I was up all night wrapping for his family (sister, neice, nephew, brother in law, mother, step father, grandmother, father, step-mother, step brother, step brothers girlfriend...). His father and step mother keep pestering me wanting to know how he is, and I'm embarassed to say that I haven't heard from him because it makes him look like a shitty husband, or if I say that I have heard from him, it's hurtful to them because he calls me and not them. Well, I'm his wife, right? He *should* call me first! And then his finances that he took care of before he got deployed got messed up, wrong account number in direct withdrawls, so suddenly I've got final notices coming in the mail and wondering why his checking account looks way too big... duhhhh... so we get it straightened out, but since he's busy with training, I end up having to execute everything.

And last week on the phone he asked me why I haven't put up any christmas lights or decorations... I almost brained him with a cake tin, I swear. It's funny, I don't know how the army moms are doing it. Well, maybe they are already adjusted, they already have joint finances. We don't, nor do we plan to until he's back and we can figure out how to manage cashflow and expenses. For now, he told me to just manage everything since I'm better at it. Hey, I'm happy to do that, so long as he will change the light bulbs that are in spooky places (which seems to be everywhere in the basement). But with him gone, I'm doing the money management AND changing the light bulbs. I'd avoid it completely, but the washer is down there...

I guess I'm just cranky. But it makes me feel better to know that I can crank a little here and feel supported.

December 22, 2003
5:40 pm
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gingerleigh
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Hi Squeezles! I overposted ya.

December 22, 2003
5:46 pm
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Squeezles
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Take it easy, Ginge. You JUST got married. That's a huge transition (ha! well so I've heard) in itself, but you're trying to figure out all the little things but from a distance.
Honestly, you DON'T have to be a superwoman. From the sounds of things (capitals so you get it) YOU ARE DOING AN AWESOME JOB. Mailing out packages to his family (and what's the bet you chose and paid for them all too) is a wonderfully sweet thing. And because you were busy dealing with that you just didn't have time to hang the decorations. No big deal. I know that it probably hurts hearing him 'criticise' you for that, but he's far away, wrapped up in his own world that he probably doesn't realise all the stuff that you are doing. It's going to take time and a lot of playing by ear till you figure it out, but you'll get there in the end.

Hope you enjoy your Christmas break 😉

December 22, 2003
5:47 pm
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Squeezles
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*L* Yep and I did it too you - again. Love ya, munchkin.

December 22, 2003
5:52 pm
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Squeezles
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Ohh forgot to add that you not hearing from him DOESN'T make him a bad husband and shame on anyone for suggesting that. He's in the army - deployed - the army doesn't allow them to ring everyone up so they can discuss what colour the shower curtain will be. That's just how it is. If his family has an issue with that they should take that up with the army.

December 22, 2003
5:52 pm
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Zinnie
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It's hard being a juggling act Ginger, no matter what the situation. The only suggestion I have is to keep taking it one day at a time.

As far as his family goes, be up front with them, and explain "last I talked with him, he was fine. But, as you know he is on manuevers and can not call but once a week or so." If they persist, I would tell them again politely "he is doing well, if anything were to change you wold be the first to know."

I get stuck in that as well, I remember years ago when my husband's Uncle passed away. We had his estate to settle, his Mother had a massive stroke, so we were taking care of her businss for the time being. Then, we had to handle his brothers things as they are both mentally handicapped. Some where is all this mess, and running our house hold too, our electric got cut off. Why? The un-mailed payment was in my purse.

Wishing you all the best for a Merry Christmas.

Love,

Zinnie

December 22, 2003
6:11 pm
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arwen
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Dear Ginger,

I'm far from being a person who could offer you any kind of decent advice. I just want to say that I have great respect for your candor regarding your relationship and feelings. It can't feel good to be in your situation, no matter how you try to navigate through it. The fact that you work so hard to stay honest with yourself is quite admirable.

Sticking my neck way out here, but have you ever tried benadryl for sleep? It's the active ingredient in most PM headache remedies but you if you don't have a headache why take the tylenol, which is hard on the liver. It's cheap, non-addictive, over the counter, and doesn't have any calories (that I know of...) If you try it about a half an hour before bedtime it might help. It's what I've been doing since I decided to cut back on my meds. Maybe it would help you, too.

Hang in there, Ginger.

Sincerely,

Arwen

December 22, 2003
6:20 pm
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gingerleigh
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At this point my shower curtain liner is a lovely shade of mold, with bite marks at kitty level. Time to change it I guess. Murphy, the gray cat, although he doesn't have quite the weight problem that the black one (Marvin) does, likes to chew on plastics. I don't get it. He leaves cloth alone, but show him plastic and he goes nuts. Any plastic containers, or even the waxy red covering that comes over Gouda cheese, he will just chew and chew on. Never swallowing it, but leaves these maimed fragments around the house. He also steals chocolate whenever it's on the table, especially chocolate that is filled with something, like peanut butter or cherries. He'll snag one out of the box when no one is looking, carry it in his mouth across the room, and bite off the top of it, lick the inside clean, and then leave the chocolate husk in front of the bed, like he brought me a present or something. It's not good for him, and when I catch him at it, I take it away from him immediately. I still don't understand why the black cat is the one with the big fat butt. Genetics I guess.

Merry Christmas Ladies (and gents!)

December 22, 2003
6:22 pm
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gingerleigh
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Hm, Benadryl, will need to try that. Probably not too bad for my allergies either...

December 23, 2003
12:10 pm
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mj
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Merry Christmas Dear Bride...Hope that you share the day with your husband with lots of love.

Have you ever tried giving your cat the rings off from milk gallon jugs...I had a client who had them all over her home...for her plastic loving cat? Just an idea....
They do make cloth waterproof curtains as well 🙂

One solution at a time 🙂 Happy Day!

December 23, 2003
1:07 pm
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gingerleigh
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That's a great idea! One cat I had a few years back used to fetch the bottle tops from 2 litre bottles of soda. I mean really, she sits at your feet, waits for you to throw it, runs over, stops, picks it up in her mouth, brings it back to you and drops it at your feet. Repeat ad nauseum. It was the only neat thing she ever did, otherwise she was pretty dumb. She liked my ex better. Guess that's why he won custody (giggle). Oh yeah btw, this was an ex from a long time ago, very nice man, just not meant to be, and he loved that cat, just adored her. This isn't the evil ex who probably prowls roads at night trying to find the pets of small children and run them over (evil laugh).

Murhpy thanks you for the new toys...

I drove down to Ft. Lewis last night, as Soldier Boy and I needed to get one last gift at the PX, something for his dad. He looked so tired, and he seemed so glad to see me, it made the 2 hour drive through Seattle/Tacoma evening traffic worth it. One of the sales ladies we worked with talked about her son who was in a different Brigade that was also getting ready to go. There were lots of soldiers there in uniform with their girlfriends and wives doing last minute shopping for kids and family members, a few young couples staring at rings in the display case... so I know I'm not the only one going through it.

There's a big wedding show in Seattle in a few weeks, I think I'm going to go and browse around. I've got over a year to become Bridezilla, might as well start early 🙂

December 23, 2003
1:16 pm
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Ginger,

My son arrived in Seattle Sunday to spend Christmas with his father. How has the weather been up there? I think I'm glad I sent his leather jacket...

If you go to Wal-mart, you can find an "Equate" brand of benedryl very cheap. 50mg a nite usually works for me, but I'm heavy. You could probably get by on 25mg...

Arwen

December 23, 2003
1:24 pm
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mj
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I thought that it took about a year to plan a formal celebration 😉

Hey Arwen, leather jackets are always great to have along just because they cool 🙂

December 23, 2003
1:47 pm
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lol! Yep, leather jackets are cool! I have been noticing this, much to my own dismay as I feel that if I were to wear one, people would only mistake me for a cow... Now, of course I say this jokingly, and...not.

My weight is one of my last "spiritual house-cleaning" jobs I have yet to navigate...

Arwen

December 23, 2003
2:24 pm
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gingerleigh
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Weather is perfect for leather jackets, it's a seattle staple article of clothing. 🙂

So I finished my last shopping. I took a break from work and went to Guitar Center. Husband has been taking guitar lessons and had to quit since being deployed, but wants very much to play while he is there. He's mentioned several times that a few of the men in his platoon play and have tiny guitars they are taking with them. So I brought my electric guitar to Guitar Center and sold it, then used that money to get him one of the little travel guitars, backpacker guitars I think they are called. It's beautiful, came with a case and everything, and sounds pretty nice despite being pint sized and having a laminate top (good for weather changes). I know this it will bowl him over. I feel really bad that he has had to put his life on hold now, perhaps this little instrument will make him feel like he has something to look forward to when he comes home, and he can keep his fingers in practice during their off moments. We promised not to exchange gifts this year because of expenses with the house and wedding coming up, but I felt it was really important to get this for him before he leaves so that he can take it with him. I know that it means a lot to him.

Anyone ever see Emmett Otter's Jug Band Christmas? It's an old Christmas special, I think originally shown on HBO in the 70's or 80's.

December 23, 2003
2:28 pm
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mj
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Ginger...YOU are Spectacular. You brought tears to my eyes. What a loving wife you are. I bet he will play his guitar and know how much he is loved. Hugs dear.

December 23, 2003
2:41 pm
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Zinnie
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Ginger... that is sweet. He is lucky to have you as his wife.

December 23, 2003
3:47 pm
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gingerleigh
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Thanks, you two! As folks here say, I'm trying to focus on the positive, the here and now, while it *is* here and now. My upbringing and perhaps just my cultural conditioning is to always be planning for the future, for tomorrow, and you look back and suddenly you realize that tomorrow has passed you by and you didn't even get to notice and enjoy it. I don't want that to happen this time.

December 24, 2003
7:42 am
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Ginger girl,

I didn't read all the posts, so if I repeat others, I apologize. I did read what you wrote.

You got a lot of stuff goin on kiddo.
And I think you need to back off from yourself for a little bit.

When you see him, be the Ginger that he loves. Is that the sexual powerhouse? Is it the quiet, supportive Ginger who can read his mind and know what he is feeling without the words? Sex is great, by all means, but it's not the only way to express your love and emotions. It has never been your "hot" spot with the two of you right? (pardon the pun my dear)... but you have managed to pull a relationship together in spite of it, a love, a commitment, a marriage.

Give yourself some time to grieve over his deployment at such a tough time for you, and then pull that Gingerleigh together that we all know and love and focus on the present and on the future and Lord knows you will have alot to do when he does return.

I think all that you are feeling is so very normal. Nobody could react to a marriage ceremony and then being alone any differently. Your brain knows this is the way it has to be but your heart is saying, "uh, hey, where's that other half??"

You are still the intelligent, gorgeous, caring, successful Gingerleigh you were before the marriage, before the deployment, you will remain so regardless. Give yourself some slack, you will bounce back, you're a survivor and you're not one to stay down for too long.

Have a wonderful loving holiday with your love, no high expectations, just let it flow, just let the love take over and follow it wherever...xo

December 24, 2003
9:48 am
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ginger,

i have to say, when i was reading your last post, the thing that came to my mind WAS Emmet Otters Jug Band CHristmas! That was such a sweet and thoughtful thing you did. being in your shoes right now has got to be so hard. just hang in there and get through one day at a time and know everyone here will be around to help give support.

December 25, 2003
10:17 pm
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ginger, ginger, ginger, how the heck do you plan a life on so much unknown? Sex wasn't the main attraction here, so ugh surprise, there you are... and its a good thing that this isn't just a sexual thing. The truth is that emotions like stress, ugh hello deployment, can effect as does exhaustion. I think you are really doing a good job of being honest with your emotions. Carry on, but don't buy into the negative aspects of it. you are the only one that knows if you have a drinking problem or not... Valerian root also helps with sleep. So does exercise.Write your man , when you can't sleep, share your love for him. Don't freak out on us, hang on, perhaps you could put this to music. ??????

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