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A good portion of my life
February 6, 2001
5:34 pm
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Speedster
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Ok Im not looking for advice or the such. I just have to get this off my chest. Noone else knows anything about this, I have never told anyone. I could have been nine, maybe ten, dont remember for sure. I had a friend two years older than me. I didn't have much self esteem at the time and had no other friends. He wanted me to play truth or dare, I didn't think it was anything sexual at the time. He started it with removing clothes I said no, that it bothered me. It got worse, though. Eventually I gave in because he wouldn't hang around me unless something happened. I was just a stupid kid, what did I know? Anyway it got worse and worse. It eventually stopped being truth or dare, of course. The things I did were degrading to say the least. Think kinky and you'll be on the right track. It went on for two years more or less. I really don't remember much about the whole thing. It stopped when we had a fight, I got beaten up and the friendship ended. I didn't speak to him at all after that, even though he tried to apologize and the such. Then I went on. I never thought anything about it, though I was ashamed of it I never told a soul. I accepted it as a part of my life. My self esteem remained low and kept sinking lower in highschool. I got fed up with being picked on and hating myself brinking on suicidal so I started doing things to fix it. I was fat at the time, so I began lifting weights and eating right. I also did everything I could to make myself feel better about myself. I walked with my head level and a confident strut, I played the social game. I thought this would solve all my problems, and it solved most of them. Then I ran into a roadblock about a year back(I'm a senior in high). I realized I couldn't make any friends or girlfriends, even though they all wanted me(I get hit on all the time). Just when I was about to strike something up I would always do something uncalled for or even mean and that would be the end of it. I searched my past and came up with this event that happened so long ago. I had forgotten about it alltogether when I stumbled across it one night. I know it was not abuse, because it was consensual on my part. It still makes me angry, though. If this is the problem then I want to know how to beat it, even though I thought it was long gone. If it's something else then I need to find it. The fact is, I am very confused. My sexuality is still an iffy thing to this day. It may be because of that or because of other things. All I know is that while I'm hetero(I think) I have a desire to be degraded or to degrade(think kinky). This may be normal I dont know. Thanks for listening, I needed to get that off my chest. As I said, I'm not particularly looking for advice, I just believe that's been rotting for too long.

February 6, 2001
5:43 pm
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janes
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NOn NO no NO NO...

Consensual or not...you were to young to handle it and buried it.

I personally don't think it is at al normal to want to be degraded. (you want people you treat you badly?)

If you have been feeling rotten inside for a long time but have taken care of the outside physical things it is now time for you to take care of your interior.

Seek some help.... even seniors in high school need a compassionate ear.

There is no shame to getting help.

go for it so you can happy warm loving relationships built on mutual respect and caring.

February 6, 2001
7:23 pm
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Alena
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Please go get some counselling.

Okay, so you got it off of your chest.But I don't think that's the end of it. Self-degradation can only lead to more and more self-degrading feelings about yourself. You don't need to punish yourself. It was a long time ago, you were a child.Consentual? I don't know about that, at that age. Experimenting? Probably. And then the guilt set in and then the degradation.

I have a hunch that you feel you don't deserve any better.

Do your young self a huge favor....seek out a therapist. They've heard it all, and I'm sure alot worse. What can it hurt?

February 6, 2001
8:11 pm
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Speedster
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I would like to ask one more question then. If I wasn't considering that I might need therapy then I would never have found this site. I want to know should I decide to go that route how I can do it without letting my parents know what happened to make this necessary. They still don't know and they think I'm pefect. I think they would be kewl with me asking for therapy if I had a good excuse. I just don't know what that would be. Thanks for your support it meant alot.

February 7, 2001
7:37 am
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janes
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Tell them you want to see a counselor to help you decide what career path to follow and that you have some fears you need to deal with.

And ;youre anxious and depressed

February 7, 2001
11:45 am
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Cici
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You could also see the school counselor about this issue. There's a confidentiality agreement, and if you're over 18 your parents don't need to know.

BTW, a child of that age isn't old enough to give consent. Not only is that the law, it's true psychologically, too...at age 9 or 10 you don't have the wherewithall to make decisions about your life or sexuality!

When you're molested or sexually assaulted or even raped, there are a variety of situations within those bounds. It's a continuum. Not every rape happens in a dark alley. Sometimes it starts out being consentual then reaches a point where it becomes forced, like with date rape. You can't say it wasn't rape just because the girl agreed to a date, or even because she went into the guy's apartment. If she didn't want it done, it's rape.

Good luck. I hope things turn out better for you...

February 7, 2001
12:59 pm
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Alena
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Speedster, I would seek out a therapist outside of my everday functions. You could just tell your parents that you have been feeling depressed and anxious and you need help sorting things out. Seniors in High School have many decisions to make, it would be a good step in a positive direction. Try to approach them that way.

The reason I would stay away from a school counselor is because you may not be totally honest with them because you know you have to see them on a daily basis in your school. Unless, of course, you already have a good relationship with one. But I could see where I would stay away from my school, too close to home for me. I would feel better venting all of my feelings, fears, regrets, confusion to a total stranger. Just my 2 cents. But most importantly, I'm glad your conducive to getting help. Go for it. And by the way, trying to be "perfect" is enough reason to need counseling.

February 9, 2001
9:23 am
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Speedster
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I had to go to my doctor for a refferal. He asked me what was up and harrased me until I told him a bit about it. Just that something happened back then and it bothered me abit. Well, he told me to forget about it, it wasn't important. I don't know how to react to this. At first it made me a bit pissed, but now I don't know what to think of it. I was mainly angry just because I had never told anyone anything like that face to face and he dismissed it. Maybe he's right, maybe it was nothing. Then again, he was only a doctor, not a therapist. This is why when I see the therapist I'll steer away from mentioning this event, I'll just concentrate on what I'm doing now, the problems I have now. What happened back then really isn't important, in retrospect. I doubt anyone is still looking at this entry but I needed to vent.

February 9, 2001
7:51 pm
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janes
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NONONONONONONONONONONONONONON

That is why you WANT to see a therapist.

Personally I think your M.D. is up to it to his eyebrows.

"Just get over it?" My moms doctor told her noone ever died of diabetes...well maybe not directly but from gangrene, kidney failure heart failure etc.

You are right...he was "only a docotr..but he is messing with people's lives and maybe ruining them with his attitude.

What happened back then is important...at tleast to put it in perspective, see that you were not hte cause etc.

TALK to the therapist..that is what they are for is to talk about the things that bother YOU

And if it bothers you..even a teensy bit...it's a problem. Try to solve it now before it gets any bigger!!!!

Please!

February 10, 2001
1:26 pm
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Speedster
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First I would like to say thanks for the advice. I didn't think anyone was looking at this anymore. I guess I'll give it a go, but I'm not stupid. It usually doesn't take more than once for me to learn something. I'll give it one more chance.

February 10, 2001
2:19 pm
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flaggirl
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Speedster,
I can relate to your story. When I was 10 the son of my mom's best friend, started touching me. He was 11 one year older than me. It started with him just poking me down there and saying "raisin in the middle" whatever that means, but it got worse. Now I'm sure everyone is wondering why I didnt' tell my mom, but I knew that this kids mom wouldn't believe it. It rapidly progressed from him poking me to fondling me, to feeling my boobs, to him performing oral sex on me. Now I was only 10 and new what it was like to have an orgasm. I began to enjoy it. When ever our families would get together we would sneak off and do our thing. This progressed over the years and got quite out of control, I had no idea who to tell or how to stop it. I knew it was wrong, but I liked the orgasms. As I got older I tried to stop it, but would see him couple times a year and it would start over again. I am now almost 23, and I think it's been just over a year since I did anything with him. Amazingly our parents never found out. I have buried it inside for all these years, and I'm also starting to think that this has had some kind of impact on my life.

February 10, 2001
5:04 pm
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Speedster
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Flaggirl I honestly don't think I'm in any position to be giving advice, so I won't. What I can say is that because it bothers you, you should look into it. Moreover, you might wanna start your own thread on that and get some of the advice of the people on this board.

February 11, 2001
8:50 am
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janes
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Speedster...you are important enough to give it MORE than one more try.

February 11, 2001
1:24 pm
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Speedster
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hmm... crap

crap crap crap

I agree janes. Last night was really intense. I never felt depression like that. I never ever thought of cutting. Now I have an idea I guess why people do it, to get rid of anger. There used be these old sticks in the house before we moved that I could break into as many pieces as I wanted and no one would ever notice. But here I have to hold it in. Damnit that hurt. Ever since I started looking at this prob I feel like I opened a pandora's box. I never felt like this before. And I woke up this morning feeling like I have a hangover. I'm dizzy and nauseous and I woke up I think three times last night. This therapist had better be worth it.

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