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A Friend of Mine...
December 4, 2001
5:33 pm
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artist 2
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He often feels out of place. He complains of not being able to be open, and let people in. I know he is lonely and sad inside because he cannot be intimate. He cannot share that part of himself. He can confide in me because we have a connection on a religious level, and he grew up in a religious family. He often calls me because he is lonely. He tries crying to me and on my shoulder and I hold him and am nice to him. I just don't feel he is being open, it's like it comes out of him, but nothing can go inside. Even with me, I can't seem to do more than being a friend. How can I help him become open and able to enjoy intimacy?

December 4, 2001
5:35 pm
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artist 2
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Does he need a sex therapist? A lot of what he talks about is feeling guilty about sex. I think his parents made him feel bad when he didn't marry as a virgin. They acted really disapointed in him and he can't seem to take this. It really hurts him. How can he separate?

December 4, 2001
5:41 pm
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Molly
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sounds more like just a regular counselor would work. He needs to shake the parental approval, why the heck did he tell them about doing the wild thing before marriage. Ya know as good as church can be, it can sure cause alot of damage. I hear lots of insecurity period which sex would be an acceptable focus for him. Your religious connection, is there a minister, or like, that you trust that could minister him? I mean as long as its normal har har issues, the minister might be less expensive, and just as good ?

December 4, 2001
6:53 pm
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Maybe my father accept he lives in another state. I could suggest he talk to his own minister about it. Maybe I could be his sex therapist? Thinking about it... hate for him to be so confused... Will let you know. I think it's normal, just a lot of guilt. His family is - though liberal minded - very straight-laced about sex and identity. He's also constrained about being an individual. They tend to shun any one against the strength of community. They see individuality as harmful to that.

December 5, 2001
1:36 pm
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Molly
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sure, some religions loose controll with their fundimental concepts, safer to keep them with in the confines of the church, to minimalize the confusion. As his sex therapist, just make sure you don't get to close, keep the borders up on this one. Risky subject, and your available. Warning................

December 5, 2001
3:37 pm
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deshong
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Artist2,

I am with Molly. If you yourself have codependant tendancies, be careful about being controlling and trying to "rescue" or "fix" someone. Don't forget pity does not=love. Be his friend and leave the therapy to an outsider. Playing the psychologist could negatively affect your friendship. Just a warning.

December 5, 2001
4:52 pm
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artist 2
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Thanks guys!

December 10, 2001
10:55 am
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So, this friend and I have become surrogate lovers to each other. I don't know how long this will last. I'm concerned that one or the other of us will want a relationship form it. We have a lot in common and are alike in many ways. It would be easy to want a relationship because it would fit so well. It reminds me of the movie "When Harry met Sally" and how they came together time after time and relationships in between... We have shared a good deal about relationships and our stories and troubles are similar. One thing: we had a relationship before and almost got married. He chickened out, and I knew it was to fast too. Actually, he was brave to call it off, because he was right, even though I was mad. We've staying friends since (three years ago) and have share a lot.

Should I try and hang on to this guy, or should I look for someone new to get to know? Should I propose starting a committment? I know... sticky word.

December 10, 2001
11:08 am
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deshong
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I don't mean to play the bad guy and I know how wonderful a relationship can be.

You stated in the beginning of this thread that your friend can't open up and be intimate. You also said that he chickened out of a committment with you before. It does not sound like he has improved at all. He does not sound like a mean person but someone who is not able to committ to you, open up, be intimate and have a mature relationship.

He calls you because he is lonely. Would your relationship still be the same if he was not lonely? How interested would he really be in you if he was not down?

Please remember that you can change and control no one. Use wisdom. 🙂

December 10, 2001
12:18 pm
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I think he sees that we are compatible even though he has intimacy issues. I could live with it because I too have trouble with trust and boundaries. How interested would I be in HIM if I were not sad and lonely? Probably see him as just a friend from the past. But, since we're in the situation, and keep coming back to gether, I wonder if we just don't think we're happy with each other. If he were not lonely, he would see me as a good friend from the past - same way I'd see him. The thing is, we see EACH OTHER as a friend to be relied upon, a shoulder to cry on, a physical comfort - from anything like to a hug, to a sleep over. We agree on that. Neither one of us know really what we're doing in relationships - or even if we belong in one. We've talked and agree on that for sure. Another reason I wonder about both of our subconcious motives. The fit just seems to be so tight... I don't know.

Hey, thanks for all of your feedback - it really helps - as usual!

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