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A Friend? Looking for opinions on what happened...
April 21, 2004
11:34 am
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artist 2
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A guy I had dated a few years ago had stayed friends with me after we ended the romantic part of the relationship. We made pretty good friends, were equals intellectually... no emotional attachment developed during the romance period.

Several months ago he had arranged a happy hour with another woman, of whom he had told me much. From the sound of it she treated him very poorly, yet he kept seeing her. I agreed to the happy hour, which took a few days of planning.

On the day of the happy hour, I cancelled because of a purchase I had to make, that could only be done that evening. He got really angry and broke off the friendship because of the cancellation.

I was upset because it didn't seem that bad. Seemed something of a bother, but nothing to break a friendship over. But I wrote and apologized. He refused to forgive me.

Now, months later he writes asking if we can make up. He apologizes for his behavior.

I write back that the way I was treated was harsh and unacceptable. He writes back saying all the stuff he did for me as a friend, how he helped me with this and that, etc. That if I don't forgive him then, scr*w me (paraphrasing here).

Now, I write back saying that friends should have no expectations, and they are either friends or not. And that if he can't see things from my perspective too, then there's no point in resurrecting the friendship.

Who's the unreasonable one here?

April 21, 2004
11:58 am
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artist 2
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Just keeping this at the top... thanks y'all.

April 21, 2004
12:07 pm
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sixfootblonde
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Hi artist. I don't know what to tell you. Not having such an enlightening time right now with my guy friend either. So suffice it to say that I don't really understand them right now. Guys, that is.

I guess if you feel he normally didn't act like that, and you feel like you want to give it another shot, go for it. But if you are too hurt, and think your life is for the most part better off without his friendship, then do what is right for you.

Good luck!

April 21, 2004
12:12 pm
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artist 2
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Thanks. Well, this guy was a good friend, so I was hurt by his sudden chop chop-offing of my head.

I'm not sure how to handle, but will figure it out.

April 21, 2004
12:14 pm
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gingerleigh
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Sounds like he had built up a lot of resentment over the years, where he felt like he was giving and giving and not getting back what he needed but never said anything until now, and he blows up and looks "crazy". Sound familiar? *smile* Artist, sounds like you on the receiving end of a codependent person's reactions.

Maybe his emotional connection to you was stronger than you thought and he just never let on. If he was that hurt by a cancellation of a happy hour, that indicates something much deeper than just irritation at having to go through some rescheduling.

Just a theory. How you doing otherwise?

April 21, 2004
12:15 pm
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Hi Artist,

Hmmm. Sounds like he was putting a little too much pressure on you for that evening to pan out? Maybe he is misdirecting his frustration that he is having making things work out with her and putting all the blame on you and that one incident. Heaven forbid he realize that she isn't the goddess he thinks she is. Make sense?

If things aren't going well, can't take it out on her. She won't allow it. So why not the next nearest person? Unfortunately, that was you.

Maybe he'll come around. If he doesn't, well I can only imagine how much this woman is already making him pay. Karma.

be well.-ella

April 21, 2004
12:24 pm
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artist 2
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Hey Ging, I'm fine thanks for asking. Doing the work. Making progress. Staying alone and beginning to "get it". I rather like it, somewhat.

Should I relent with this guy and try to be friends again I wonder? It feels a little scary. Not sure if he'll do this again at some point.

April 21, 2004
12:33 pm
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Miffy
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If you've made your amends about the late cancellation and care about this guy, I would make it clear that you are happy to be friends on the condition that 1. all resentments are dealt with and aired; and 2. he is not abusive verbally that might help, then let go. For me, the most important thing is that you work out what your boundaries are. What do you mean "Staying alone and beginning to "get it"" I'm really interested.

April 21, 2004
5:38 pm
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artist 2
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Miffy, thanks for the input.

What I mean is that I've been going through withdrawal from a painful breakup. Part of that is being committed to staying alone for a while, and working on building a life separate from my relationships (past and future) - a life that is strictly my own.

April 21, 2004
6:15 pm
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Hi Artist2!

Glad to hear you are doing ok!

Geez, biting your head off after cancelling one happy hour? Sounds to me like HE is the one who is overreacting. It may be worth another chance at the friendship, but it is not worth YOUR sanity to be hurt over it. Be careful.

Ladyace

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