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A flip-floping co-dependent
January 14, 2009
7:31 pm
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bblue
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DS I do remember a little of the above on another thread - I say good for you

It must be tough - I would be proud in your shoes

I went to the lawyer today and got the info on my situation - he is sending some more reading on the total legalities.

Saw my counsellor yesterday.
And my spouse is gone to work up north.

It will be good except I am crazy busy with work.

BBlue

January 14, 2009
8:17 pm
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marypoppins
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bblue,

Just wanted to wish you the best of luck in your situation and congratulate you on sticking with counseling. Counseling is a place to get honest with oneself. Those who resist counseling are often afraid to face themselves and lack the courage for real change. You're on the right path by doing what is necessary to take care of and define yourself as a complete human being apart from your husband. It's definitely a step by step process. Getting legal advice and posting here are also signs that you have made a commitment to health and to improving life for yourself. If we don't look out for ourselves, who will? Many of us have certainly wasted enough energy trying to get others to take care of us somehow - those "others" who cannot take care of themselves, either. Once we REALLY LEARN AND KNOW how to be happy on our own, we won't settle for less. All the best!

Mary

January 19, 2009
5:54 pm
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bblue
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Thanks maryp
I do feel up at the moment even though I am work busy- just addressing the issues - not having dealt with it all yet by any means - is somehow a weight off.

The more I try to detach though the more it bugs him. Which is good I guess.

the whole counselling is for me now and how to move forward when and if but from what I read when he does not.

I feel lonely sometimes - but I try..

BBlue

January 19, 2009
7:15 pm
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marypoppins
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(((Bblue)))

Have you read Women Who Love Too Much?

Mary

January 19, 2009
11:37 pm
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bblue- It sounds like you are taking steps to improve your situation. It takes time to pull it all together. As long as you keep your eye on the prize you'll things will turn out fine in the end.

January 20, 2009
1:50 am
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bblue
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No I havent read Women Who love too much - tried requesting it from my library but its on a hold somewhere at another branch.

I live in a rural area and we don't have much for access to book stores and just haven't done the internet looking yet.

Its on my list

I am trying to move forward - just sorting out all the legal is a pain and some nights I just don't want to - next couple of weeks with work will also be brutal but then there is a little lull until the next round.

Wish me luck girls and guys - here's to making my life mine.

BBlue

March 11, 2009
9:57 pm
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bblue
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Had a little flip-flop the other day and thought of this thread
Marypoppins, DS, mezzo, mulligan, everybody how are you?

how do you get thru the flip-floppy times?
BBlue

BBlue

March 12, 2009
9:18 am
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b blue...what happened...talk about it more!!

March 12, 2009
11:12 am
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Well it goes something like this for me. I realize that getting out of a toxic relationship doesn't happen over night and for some if ever. Even when you wake up one day and take some serious steps to get out there will be relapses. But that is no excuse not to just dust yourself off and get back on that band wagon and start moving forward on this journey towards recovery.

It might help to remind yourself to allow someone to use you and take you off a shelf when they want to play with you then put you back when they want to gamble, drink, do drugs or whatever is unacceptable.

March 16, 2009
9:12 pm
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bblue
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Oh a couple things
I just agreed to take care of stuff when I have been really adamant lately about the people around me taking care of themselves. Happened at work with an employee and with a family member all in the same day.
I did the stuff and basically said "I don't know why I agreed to do this but I did it and next time its your responsibility"

Also I promissed my friend and my spouse's best friend I would give my spouse another couple weeks and this friend a chance to talk to him.

I gave my word so I guess I am sticking to it.

Then the spouse came home from his 10 days away at work and proceeded to get drunk - but he passed out at our other friends' house and they gave him a talking to. The spouse says he is going for help.

Not holding my breath but the rest of the 4 days off were good. He apologized to me and told me he needs help. I very calmly again explained - I do not like ultimatims but I will not accept the gambling and I am running out of patience and he is running out of time.

I am trying to be very calm and amicable as I a continue to sort out financial affairs and such.

Just feels like this is so overwhelming some days.

Thanks everyone

BBlue

March 17, 2009
8:25 am
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Chance to change
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b-blue,

Hope things are going better. Hang in there and things will get better. We have to change ourselves and that is hard believe me I know what you are going through. I seem to do good and then something comes up and I slip up. But at least now I realise I am slipping up and can catch myself before I get to far into the co-dependency again. If I can do that anyone can. Remember you are not alone and there are lots of us who are there and care alot.

March 17, 2009
6:57 pm
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Bblue- As long as you are their you are supporting his habit, you are enableing him PERIOD. He will never change. If you want things to be different you need to change as in you need to do something different.

Gamblers do not understand words. They understand actions. If you left and did not have anything to do with him until he was in professional therapy or whatever for at least 30 days then you will see what he is made of. Who cares what he says look at what he is doing? Right now just giving you the words you want to hear.

All you can do is leave him and his recovery in his hands. They SEE what he DOES. Take that tape recorder he keeps playing for you and turn it off.

March 17, 2009
11:17 pm
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FOXIEFIRE
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I was a abused child. Both mentally physically and emotionally. I am now a adult 49 and suffer from co dependenticy. My mind always teling me i am not good enough and hearing my mums criticial voice all day and night with her abuse drivies me crazy. I just need friends. tks

March 25, 2009
12:13 am
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bblue
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Hi guys been working alot and then got a horrible cold/flu - just coming around.

DS I totally get your drift but I have decided I am not strong enough at this moment due to my work commitments and ongoing doctoring with health concerns. I discussed the situation with my doctor and my counsellor. I will continue my proceedings with the lawyer and get all my legal ducks in order.

c to c - Thanks it helps to know others understand.

take care

BBlue

March 25, 2009
10:33 am
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bblue- I totally understand how difficult it is to deal with a man like that especially when you have so many other responsiblities and obligations in your life.

You will be surprised at how much healthier mentally and physically you will feel once this man is out of your life.

I look back at the years I spent with my addicted husband and look at it as lost years, a waste of time.

I met an MD that I worked with 5 years ago. He was gambling. He brought home 15 thousand dollars as an MD and could easily pick up more money cause doctors are in demand. He would be out gambling and had his cell phone turned off. He also called in and took a lot of time off for vacations, business trips but was really gambling. Gambling was his priority. He would take me to casinos with him so I could enjoy all of his Comps, free food, hotel rooms, etc. But I would loose him at the gambling table. He would stay there for hours on end while I wandered around alone.

He wound up being convicted of a felony in 2000 for writing a false medical report so he could collect money from his workers comp carrier. He got charged with forging another doctors signature on the report.

I found out that in 2008 he lost his priveledges at a hospital and has more charges along the lines of unprofessional conduct, etc. against him. He has not renewed his MD license.

All this for gambling. The man has thrown away his entire medical education and career for gambling. Getting arrested and convicted of a felony did not stop him.

I remember him being the biggest liar I had ever met in my life. He even tried to acess my bank account.

A person that I never looked back on once I got rid of him.

All I can tell you is that in reality there is no hope for people like this. They will never change.

The sad tragic part is the innocent lives they damage as a result of their addiction.

We must admit that we are in a situation that is damaging to us and being willing to commit ourself to do whatever it takes to get out of it.

Remember staying with an addict is a choice. And at some point we have to quit blaming the addict and take responsiblity for our decision to stay with them.

Even after you leave an addict there is some pain, for some time but if you are commited to getting better you will work through the pain knowing that you have to pay a price but think of how much you will gain.

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