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A Father with major problems, what do you think
September 1, 2005
8:27 pm
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littlesteps
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Ok so this story might sound a little strange infact I know it will because it's strange even for me. Ok well Ill try and explain this....when I was 5 my parents divorced, my mother wasnt from USA and took me along with my siblings to her home country, she was and still is a major alcoholic. Ok so my father never wrote, never called, never nothing, then when I was 12 he flew over for 6 months, spent most of his time travelling in this other country, was really good to me when he was around for those few wks and we seemed to get on great. So when he left and return to America I would write and he would never write back etc, it made me feel really bad and abandoned specially when my Mum was at her worst times. Ok so then I meet this guy and when I was 20 he returns to give me away, this is when the crap started. At the time I couldnt put my finger on it but he simply wouldnt give me room to breath, he judged everything and said very harshly which made me anrgy, after all who was he to show up after 15 yrs and try and play Daddy. I held my tounge he was only there for 6 wks, when I was 24 he returned again, it was the same thing over, I felt like I was under a microscope being studied and any little thing I did wrong in his eyes he would just get really critical. Ok so he goes back to USA. Then when I moved over here 7 yrs ago, he was living in FL, he came up here saying he wanted to live close etc get to know the grand kids etc, he said he would get a job, and app etc, well the wks past and he did none of the above, soon it was months and we moved from a big city to a small town, he came too, this guy was seriosuly driving me batty. He wanted me to get my hair cut the way he wanted it, I said no he got pissed and made an appointment the whole nine yards, he wouldnt except I was 28 yrs old and I wanted my hair the way I wanted it, the list goes on and on and on, he would tell me how to talk etc, he would walk in when my hubby and I were discussing something and simply talk right over the top of us, extremely rude. When I would pull him up for it he would just say things like oh boy and try and be little me. One day I was late home from work, I had stopped to get milk at the store, anyways he was looking after our kids, his grand kids that day which he had offered to do.Anyways when I got home 15 mins late he came so unglued at me I could of sworn it was like he thought I was his wife or something weird, I told him a thing or 2 that day and so he locked himself in his room for days and days wouldnt come out to eat, nothing, I would hear him get up in the small hrs of the night and try to approach him, but nope he just would run back to the room and lock himself in there, this went on for like oh 10 days until I got out a hammer and nails and started boarded up the door ( he had it locked from the inside and wouldnt come out) I was gonna scare him into coming out, and it worked ( what was I meant to do) anyways I asked him to go back to FL, told him I couldnt handle the constant judgement and him sitting in front of the tv for hrs on end. Anyways he went back to Fl. When that horriable hurricane hit last yr he called me up and said his house was distroyed and he needed to come up and live with us, I was like omg, I told him I felt it wasnt a good idea because of the way we dont get on, he said Im begging you. Well we had just bought a new property which has 2 houses on it, I figured he could live in the other pne, I thought for rent he could help out on the ground work etc. Well he moved up alright and the crap hit the fan....nothing I did was right, everything I said was wrong, judged everything I did....well I was getting really pissed to say the least, thenI would catch him spying on me, he would walk round the out side of my house looking threw windows and stuff, thinking I couldnt see him, it really made me un easy. Then what put the icing on the cake was when he started with my dogs, he knows I love my dogs to bits, so he said he was going to take over feeding them, that I didnt do it right etc, and at the time I was like whatever, well what happens next is I see him outside with my dog letting her go to the potty and she wants to come home to me and he is pulling on her collar not letting her come back etc....I went over to him and told him not to do that, not to feed my dogs to leave them alone if he wanted a dog he should get his own, he said I dont want one, I said well leave mine alone......anyways long story short, the guy never once lifted a finger round the place, felt he shouldnt have to pay rent either, so I asked him to leave, this is after trying really hard to fix this problem with our relationship. Ok so he finds a new place, then our employee's see him in my letter box going threw my mail this happened on more then one occasion. Then we caught him one night sitting across the street from my house in his car watching the house. Well this just put the shits up me as you can imagine. So I go around to tell him if he doesnt stop I will go to the police, but he wouldnt answer the door. At the end I had to get hubby to hide out round there to catch him coming in to tell him to back of and stop stalking me and the kids, he denied it all. Ok so then weeks later we are at little league, he didnt know my son was playing, but he has obviously been watching us still, he would hide behind the dug outs and watch....this made me feel both sick to my stomach and sad for him.Ok so after months of this drama, and I felt guilty and sad I went round and told him he could visit the kids at our house only. Ok so this is the latest.
I am polite when I see him and thats about it, well one day I was out in the garden and my son has or should I say had a teddy bear hampster which he had gotten for christmas, he named it mr sprinkles, anyways unbeknowns to me he asked my son if he could borrow the hampster for 3 wks, my son said yes.....ok so he has the dam hampster for 3 wks and in this time he tells my son...I have changed his name to Timmy cause Mr sprinkles is a stupid name, he then tells my son who is now asking for his hampster back, that no I have decided to keep it because you dont look after him like I do, and besides he said you have lots of pets. Well when my son told me this I was like omg I am going to go round there and throttle him, but I wondering if that's the reason he doest these things in the first place, just to piss me off or what. I told my daughter to call him and tell him he could have the hampster that Mum will by us a new one, his reply was...ok well we will leave it at that then and hung up. Ok so now I am thinking ok, do I let this son of a gun have the control and keep the dam hampster, or do I go round and tell him he is a mean S O B and get the dam hampster back. This guy is simply a fruit cake. I feel sorry for him though. Hubby says let him have it who cares, and yeah I can replace it, but it's the point, how dare he do this. Maybe I shouldnt have any relationship at all with this weirdo guy.....I dont think he is the full tin of biscuits if ya get what I mean.....what are your thoughts on this??????

September 1, 2005
9:24 pm
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hollow
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can't follow and too much info. Sorry

September 1, 2005
9:32 pm
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jamaicanwife
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Oh, I follow. Cut him off. Completely. Immediately. He isn't the fun kind of crazy, he is downright scary.

Seriously. Cut him off. No contact, and if he takes to following you and your children around, get a restraining order or something, don't just let him go on and get away with it. The situation is escalating - he stole your son's pet, was manipulative and mean - reminded me of one of those horror movies I hate about serial killers.

I am freaked out by this, and very, very concerned for you and your family.

September 1, 2005
9:58 pm
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Matteo
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I am not a psychiatrist, but the story of your father seems surreal. Possibly he is suffering from some kind of mental illness or dysfunction. I am not sure if you would be able to do anything for him, since he is not hurting himself or anybody else; you can either put up with him, while considering this fact, and maybe try to get some professional help for him, or cease the contact, if he is working and able to function independently, on his own. I would be concern about his attitude towards the children and their reaction to him and his actions.

September 1, 2005
10:03 pm
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littlesteps
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See your not the first person to tell me this, and yes it puts the shivers down my spine to and I didnt go into great depths really, there is so so so much more, I am freaked though about cutting off all ties because I am scared he will try and hurt me by kidnapping my children or something. I went to the school and informed them there.....everyone who knows my Father all says hmmm he is a weird one isnt he, they call him a social freak.....well that makes me feel sorry for him....in one hand I want to help him, in the other he makes me mad because I dont undertstand his thinking's or doing's. I called my mother and told her what he was doing, she said becareful that when she left him he used to stalk her in his car, that he told her he would get cloraform (cant spell it lol) take her out to the woods and cut all her hair off. I was like ewww way didnt you tell me this along time ago, she said well he is your Father. So you think I should just what tell him he is being mean to my children now and so he needs to stay away????I hate hurting ppl feelings....sighhhh....why me

September 2, 2005
5:33 am
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revelation
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Listen, little steps...you shouldn't be so worried about hurting his feelings, this guy is a maniac control-freak...thats probably the reason you mother left him. You have children and a husband...your own family, who love you, make protecting them and you your priority, not whether his feelings are hurt. Tell him to stay away and consult an attorney.

September 2, 2005
8:03 am
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gazelle
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Do you (& others) feel he is actually physically dangerous? Has he ever been violent, or drunk or on drugs? If there could be any hint that he would harm you or your family - RUN - and get legal & psychiatric help asap!

I see him as a sad, immature boy with mental and emotional problems - severe ones. He seems desperate to join in with things, to feel part of your lives and get respect and acknowledgement (things we all need.) But sadly, he totally lacks the social, emotional & mental skills to achieve the sense of inclusion and respect he craves.
It seems like he is getting family roles mixed-up: sometimes he wants attention like a child or teenager, and rivals your children! Other times, he treats you like a wife, or mother, rather than as a daughter. He is so confused, and it must confuse, frustrate & upset you such a lot.

This all makes me so sad - for you of course, having no effective father but all these weird problems instead - and also for him, feeling alone, out on a limb, and incapable of looking after himself and forming meaningful relationships.

All these attempts to control you & the kids might stem from inadequacy and desperation to be acknowledged, in my view. Did he have a disfunctional relationship with his own parents, or bad experiences in his early life that stunted his emotional & social growth? Has he a job? What has he done with his life? He seems incapable of adult responsibility.

It really does seem, from what you have written, as if he suffers from mental illness and/or personality disorder(s). Is there any way you could get opinions from doctors / psychologists / psychiatrists or even see about getting some therapy for him?

Warmest good wishes & blessings to you - gazelle.

September 2, 2005
9:06 am
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littlesteps
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Gazelle you seriouly hit the nail on the head in every way with explaining my Father, yes he is excatly all of those things, I have tried for many many years to figure him out-help him in some way, but it drives me nutty, I got so bent out of shape trying to figure out how to handle him. I dont know if there is a name for what he suffers with but I would sure appreciate it if someone out there knew. When you said it sounds like he gets the family roles all mixed up, I was like wow yes yes thats it.....examples of this, when he would come over he would fight with my kids as in sit across the room poking tounges at them etc, because they were sitting beside me on the couch and he felt it was his turn to sit beside me and when the kids would get up he'd run across the room to steel there position on the couch beside me, then he would want to start massaging my feet, and this made me so uncomfortable, I would tell him not to, he would get very upset.I know he gets very jealous of my husband and children for my affections, yet if I try and give him a hug goodbye or try and say I love ya Dad, he is like huging a stone wall and his whole body gets tense and like he does not like it.
Other examples of this are.....anything I have ever been interested in eg: horses, he would go to the library and research everything there was to know about horses, then he would go on and on and on about it, like he wanted to know more about them then me, very strange.
What I know about his childhood is his Father was very abbusive and would punish him by making him sit in a chair for 8-10 hrs at a time. His Mother sounded like a sweet heart. Since he divorced with my Mother 30 yrs ago, he has been single every since. He worked most of his life, and sayd he never missed a day ever, and is very proud of this. Right now he isnt working, he's like 64 and he has a bad back....like you explained Gazelle, I do feel very sad for him, knowing there is something really wrong with him, and I feel really mean by turning my back on him. He has a very hard time socializing with anyone, and in groups of more then 3 he usually walks off, or he will try and join in to my embarrassment, he says the most stupidest things, something a 10 yr old might say. Even my 12 yr old frowns at him at times, as does my 8 yr old. Im not sure what to do about him, I have tried to talk to him about maybe he needs to see a doctor, the one and only time I did this it was like....he stood up and starting screaming at me, saying there was nothing wrong with him etc, I left it alone.
He will spend day upon days locked up in his appartment watching tv progs over and over again. When he was living with us, I used to have to tell him to shower and shave, he would go wks and it made me sick. He lies all the time so he doesnt have to have any type of confrontation, and he does things to me, and now my children just to like annoy you, as in what he has done with the hampster, I mean who do you know at 64 wants to take a kids hampster?????and if I confront him about it he will twist things and turn them all for the sake of getting out of it.
I need some serious advice when it comes to this topic.....I dont know what to do with him, I feel sorry for him, yet he drives me crazy, no matter what I do it is and never will be good enough. I cant even dress right in his eyes. What should I do about this hampster episode???I know it sounds stupid, and childish, but my kids are hurt that Grandad wont give them there hampster back, do I simply go oh well let him have it, or do I tell him that it's wrong and mean and tell him to retuen it????? When he comes over to our place, its like he thinks he owns the show, he will walk in without knocking, walks into any room in the house, goes into our workshops and takes without asking, all kinds of things that are just simple rude. I dont know what to do, please if anyone can shed some light on what kind of disorder my Dad has, if you have ever heard of this kind of behaviour before, I need to know what it is, and what to do about it. I know I ramble on and on about him, but it really has been a nightmare having a Father like this, and nobody else cares, they just say, he is a nut cut all ties, and heck I too feel that way to at times, but if there is a way to help him, I want to know. Thanks Heaps

September 2, 2005
9:16 am
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littlesteps
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Oh and I forgot to say, no I dont think he is physically dangerous, I think he is mentally dangerous, but I dont think he would harm anyone physically that is.....I would say he would try and hurt me with other methods....eg: threw my children, by say kidnapping them, or with my dogs, steeling them or something like that. Gazelle you have no idea how much you hit the nail on the head here, I feel so sorry for this man, it is like he is an infant in an old mans body, starving for love and affection and respect, he just doesnt know how to get any of them, that is so sad for me to have to watch this, please if anyone knows what kind of disorder this is, I would sure love to hear from ya.

September 2, 2005
10:26 am
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jamaicanwife
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I don't mean to be unsympathetic. I have a crazy father too, and I only talk to him on his birthday and at Christmas. He only met my child because my mother who divorced him 17 years ago took the grandchildren to meet him.

So I understand that you want to have some sort of relationship with your father, and I understand that you would like to help him if you can. But my way of dealing with my father was to just stay away from him, because my self esteem just couldn't take any more, and no way was my child going to be exposed to his craziness. No way on this earth.

You have to do what you feel is best, I suppose, but my advice remains the same. Cut him off. He may never have harmed anyone yet, but I don't see any reason to think that he wouldn't do so in the future. Father or not, I put my child first, and I would recommend that you do the same.

September 2, 2005
12:10 pm
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littlesteps
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Hi Jamaicanwife,
Yup I can totally hear what you are saying here, and yes I feel the same when it comes to my children, hence the reason he can only visit them under my supervision now. I suppose it's my CO-DA rearing its ugly old head again when it comes to this matter with my Father, for me it feels like abandoning a small child, I know he is 64 but emotionally and mentally he is at an age of about a 10 yr old I believe.
When he called me from FL after the hurricane last yr and told me his house was distroyed etc and he needed a place to live, I felt so compelled to do my daughter duty and give him a home, after 2 days of his arriving I over heard him talking to one of our friends and him explaining how he had lucked out witht he hurricane and had very little damage to his house, I was like omg he lied in order to move close to us. I know he longs to be excepted by my family, but because he is unable to relate to ppl normally he just irritates me. I suppose I feel bad because I can not over look the way he acts, I know he has some kind of mental illness, but it's a total nightmare trying to deal with his weird thinking and doings. When I asked him to leave our property, I thought he would of went back to FL, but no he stayed around and stalked me and the kids, he got really cunning at it too. The thing is this.....if I cut off all ties, I know he will do something to get even, because in his mind he will see it as an injustice of some kind. There is nothing the police can do until he does something, even when it comes to the stalking side of things, they can't do alot. So at least this way I can know what he is up to, to a point. It is the most whackest situation to be in, one that drives me and my hubby and close friends crazy, with my constant questioning everyone as what to do, and everyone says the same.....hmmmm well either cut ties, and he probably will do something, or only let him visit the kids under supervision. My g/f says she is worried about reading about him in the news paper one day if I was to push him to far. He get obssessed with me, I suppose I am simply at my witts end with this whole drama....I suppose to I really want to know what his illness is. I hate being in this situation. Thanks foe everyones advice and opionions, they are very much appreciated

September 2, 2005
3:27 pm
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kathygy
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Why not go talk to a psychiarist about your father? You could insist he see a psychiarist if he wants to see your children. It sounds like he is holding you and your children hostage. The stress sounds enormous. You shouldn't have to live this way. I wonder if you could get him committed to a mental hospital. he sounds very sick and scary. Give priority to yourself and your children over your father.

love,
kathy

September 2, 2005
8:43 pm
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CODA_Mom
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Hi littlesteps,

My heart goes out to you, your family and your father. When mental illness is present in a family member, it impacts the whole family. When you don't know exactly how to deal with it, the impact can be totally negative. With knowledge, however, this situation can be turned around.

Does your father have Medicaid, Medicare or another type of insurance? If so, I believe the best first step would be to have him assessed at the nearest mental health outpatient clinic. If he presents any type of danger to himself or others, you could have him brought to an inpatient clinic by the police after you consult with a therapist or psychiatrist. Not the most pleasant option, but this would be the last resort.

You can also look into case management for him, where he would have someone take charge of his needs and/or help him find resources in the community to live as independently as possible.

If all of this seems too confusing for you, just try to make an appointment with a counselor (LCP, LCPC) or social worker (MSW, LCSW) and have your dad go with you. Since his behavior is very childlike, try using the same type of reward system that you would for your kids to get him to go (e.g., promise him a special treat).

He sounds as if he has borderine intellectual functioning, or something along the lines of a Pervasive Developmental Disorder. I was originally thinking Asperger's or Avoidant Personality Disorder because of his social inhibition, but there may be other things at work here.

In any case, his behavior is causing much grief to you and himself, please don't put off having him evaluated.

Take care, regards to you,

CM

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