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a codependent dating a borderline
May 1, 2009
7:33 pm
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determined4change
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So, I needed to vent about my situation so here it goes. I posted in here a while back when my ex and I broke up in september. I started going to CODA groups weekly and things were getting alot better.

Then in January I met my girlfriend. We've only been official since march 30th. When we met, she was addicted to weed and cocaine. She was not properly medicated for her mental health issues. She was in really bad shape. I decided to invest myself in her life to try to help her, being the good codependent i am...

Now, it's May 1st and she's been clean off of everything for almost 2 months. She is seeing her therapist, psychiatrist, and acupuncturist regularly. She's finally in a stable place in her life and for the first time she's really happy.

Now that she doesn't need me as much I'm at a loss for what my role is in our relationship. She started back at work after being on short term disability for a month and is thriving! I'm so happy for her. I'm still taking my time finding a job and giving myself time to study for my state licensing exam to be a therapist. Now that things are stable, I find myself depressed.

Like, now that her life is back together and she's paying more attention to her life and her needs and her recovery, I feel sad and lonely. We live together, like good lesbians do after only being official 1 month, and I sit at home all day, trying to study, run errands when I need to, but mostly just chill out and wait for her to get off of work. Like my life still revolves around her even though she doesn't need it anymore.

I feel unmotivated, lonely because we don't spend as much time together anymore, our intimacy level is almost non-existent due to her lack of time, energy and libido. I've told her that I miss feeling close to her and she admits to being detatched lately but hasn't done much to counter that.

I know that I'm allowing my feelings and my attitude to be dictated by her and her actions. Like I've lost my sense of self and my power over my life. I feel weak and powerless. I need to get a hold of this because I know where this road leads and it's not pretty.

I've even missed my last two CODA meetings because I just haven't felt the motivation to go even though I know they will help me. I need to stop dwelling on this and do something about it. Thanks for the vent. Comments or advice is welcomed.

May 1, 2009
7:57 pm
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CAMER
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how long did you move in together prior to dating?? it seems a lil' bit too quick?? i could be wrong.

You did mention you went to Coda meetings last Sept, so you are most likely Coda.....and this new girl, i am glad she is working on recovery and making her life better, why not take this time to do the same for you??? instead of worrying and wondering what she may be doing, etc.

You need ot have balance in your life, friends, family, studying, work, etc, time for yourself.

Maybe your gal'fr'd is just trying hard to work on being sober and getting her life back in order, be happy for her. I know alot of times the main focus has to be on "you" (which means her) and getting sober....you may feel lonely and out of sorts, but think of all the good she is doing for herself, sobriety!! why not talk with her?? let her know how you feel....and at this time.....work on you!!! with Coda relationships....work on the things you want to improve!!

Keep posting and talking, it all helps!!

((((((camer)))))

May 2, 2009
12:49 pm
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StronginHim77
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She is not the only one in this relationship who needs recovery and professional support. You need help, also.

Codies are drawn to borderlines, alcoholics, addicts and other toxic partners like flies to honey. It's in our mental/emotional DNA. BUT...we can choose to face ourselves and begin the hard work of recovery, rather than distracting ourselves with an unhealthy relationship with someone who needs "fixing."

And that's what she's been: a distraction to keep you from focusing on your OWN issues and needs.

It would be very good, if you could resume your participation in CODA, as well as seek out personal therapy/counseling with a trained professional to address your own issues which need healing.

You are unsettled and unhappy because she is doing better. That forces you to face yourself or spin your emotional wheels to try and find something/someone to focus on, instead.

Keep posting...we will all try to help.

- Ma Strong

May 2, 2009
12:49 pm
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StronginHim77
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She is not the only one in this relationship who needs recovery and professional support. You need help, also.

Codies are drawn to borderlines, alcoholics, addicts and other toxic partners like flies to honey. It's in our mental/emotional DNA. BUT...we can choose to face ourselves and begin the hard work of recovery, rather than distracting ourselves with an unhealthy relationship with someone who needs "fixing."

And that's what she's been: a distraction to keep you from focusing on your OWN issues and needs.

It would be very good, if you could resume your participation in CODA, as well as seek out personal therapy/counseling with a trained professional to address your own issues which need healing.

You are unsettled and unhappy because she is doing better. That forces you to face yourself or spin your emotional wheels to try and find something/someone to focus on, instead.

Keep posting...we will all try to help.

- Ma Strong

May 2, 2009
3:27 pm
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daydreamer
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hi all,

I think I am a codie.. and my boyfriend i just learned after two years is a recovering alcoholic. So today he went off to a AA meeting becasue he now wants to make new friends. I am confused and sad and lonley all at the same time

May 2, 2009
6:05 pm
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CAMER
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why not attend an al anon meeting while he goes to his AA meetigns, it will help you!!

know you are not alone.

(((camer)))

May 2, 2009
9:03 pm
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daydreamer
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I will be going to the coda meetings.. for codependency. I just feel like crying all the time

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