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9 to 32...not much has changed
November 2, 2006
9:21 am
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When I was in the 3rd grade i had a year long crush on a classmate. One day i built up the courage to place a note in her reading book telling her i liked her. The result was she never spoke to me again. And I can remember at such an early age feeling a rejected and sad. At 17 my first girlfriend cheated on me and turned my world upside down. I am now 32 and it seems as though my feelings and emotions are just as fragile. Last night and into this morning I tried to convince myself that being single was the best way to be happy and to maintain my sanity. I have been in several relationships in the past which were all disfunctional. And I don't know if i was the cause of the problems or the people i was picking to be with. i wonder if it is possible for me to have a healthy relationship. My BIGGEST issue in a relationship is axiety. I think too much which causes me to be insecure and anxious. For example if i am unable to reach someone i am dating i conjure up all these scenarios on what she could be doing and it is not pretty. It is possible my scenarios could be right but for the most part i hope i am wrong. I dont know how to get over my relationship insecurtiy.

November 2, 2006
9:42 am
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2alone
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I feel that anxiety in the begining of a relationship too. Its hard to deal with - so I sympathize with you. My best advice is every time you start thinking about it - make a conscious choice to do something else. Phone a friend, read a book, or take a walk. I also suggest writing those anxious feelings out and then when she does call write down what the reality of the situation was - and after you have done this for a while look back at your fears and then the reality of the situation and you may learn to calm those fears as they come up because there is an established pattern of logical reasons she hasn't called or gotten together with you.
I hope I helped even a little.
2.

November 2, 2006
10:59 am
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taj64
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Im in the same boat. I have had quite a few crushes, relationships that did not work out. Some I push away, some just were not good people I should be with. Alcoholics/emotionally unavailable etc, you name it. The best thing to do is to be emotionally ready yourself in order to get a healthy relationship. And that takes a lot of work. Realizing what you really want in a person and also coming to terms with your own past as far as previous relationships or childhood hurts does help. You can be ready but let go of the past hurts and let go of your fear as well. Get comfortable with yourself first.

November 2, 2006
1:15 pm
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I hear you saying "I´d like to have a relationship" but "obstacles" from my past - your being ignored by one girl and cheated on by the second - and the way you handled ... what .. to you ... felt as a rejection at the time ... are basically holding me back to get out and in the game again".

Now I´d like to ask you to do me a favor - or work with me - and complete this writing exercise (your answers might be pretty revealing ....) ... complete the follwing sentence ... make your answer as precise as you can ... try to come up with at least 5 reasons ... why nothing has changed for you .. :

"9 to 32 ... not much has changed BECAUSE ... (:

.......... (1)

...........(2)

...........(3)

one of MY answers might be (as an example ...) : "I am still not over my first boyfriend" ... or ... "my mom said I was too ugly for anyone to wanna date me" ... or ... "I felt like I didn´t fit in" ...

9 to 32 ... not much has changed ... I am asking you to do the writing exercise because I hope to be able to discard any outcome that might read :"not much has changed ... because ... - I - haven´t changed".

Maybe you are starting to feel better by doing the writing - whether you decide to publish what you´ve written or not - because NOW you know that you are working on your thread subject (issue, problem). You are actually taking control. Taking charge. Of yourself. Don´t have to feel powerless anymore. Because you know you CAN do it ALL and can BE it ALL. From now on, you goal is to be(come) a "goal-getter". It´s time to set the record straight. Heh-heh.

November 2, 2006
1:28 pm
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doing the writing exercise is the first step - step 1 ... there´s also a step 2 ... getting curious ?

😉

November 2, 2006
1:41 pm
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okay ... I will be a good sport and tell you what the second step is ... don´t wanna leave you hanging ...

step 2 is connecting the dots to draw a line ... meaning ... connecting your answers to form a sentence ... (and after you´ve done that, reading it outloud to yourself) ...

November 2, 2006
1:56 pm
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[email protected],
I will take the time out tonight to do to that excercise. I will post my answers tomorrow depending on how I feel. I think it is important for me to examine why nothing has changed.

2alone, when the anxiety sets in it is extremely difficult to focus on something else, reading a book or watching tv doesn't do it for me. Often times I wont even be able to sleep. Usually i will take a sleeping pill or smoke some weed...something i am not proud of.

Taj thank for the input

November 2, 2006
2:52 pm
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hopeful32 - good for you !

Okay. I did step 2 just now. Here´s what I have written .... (my sentence) :

1) " I am still not over my first boyfriend "
2) "my mom said I ws too ugly for anyone to wanna date me"

The sentence now becomes (outcome of step 2) :

"I am still not over my first boyfriend - because - my mom said I was ugly" ... and so on ... until all your "reasons" (1 to 5 or more) are connected to eachother in a "story" (one long sentence).

November 3, 2006
10:38 am
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Therapy has tremendously helped me. I found out how codependent I was and I am 38 right now. I found that I have never been in love before, just in lust. That was a big find deep down inside my feelings. I have been divorced, engaged again, 2 long relationships after divorce, and I thought I was in love. After hard work in therapy, you will get rid of those needy feelings. I found out why I was always wanted to be needy. It was just the way I was raised. Now, I have a great girl, just met her 1 month ago and have know her for 26yrs. Its amazing how great of friends we are only because she has had lots of therapy also, so we are on the same communication level. So, go to therapy, go to CODA meetings, journal everyday, and read books about codependency. Then, a relationship will be soooo much easier for your future. You have to find you first. Good luck

November 6, 2006
2:38 pm
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hopefull32 - u still around ???

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