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82Hopetoheal
April 8, 2009
3:07 pm
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PreciousG
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Hi 82,

I have been thinking about you and was wondering how you are doing?

April 10, 2009
5:46 pm
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82hopetoheal
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Precious,

Thanks for checking in...things have been a bit hectic which is why I haven't posted in awhile. I've had time to read some threads but just not to post.

Things have been really hard since standing up to my ex. I've had to go through the grieving process all over again because of the contact she initiated. Also, standing up to her caused a lot of doubt for me at first. Lastly, since I did such a good job I didn't leave myself any wiggle room (which is a good thing!) and I realize I CAN'T contact her and respect myself because I would be lying and sending mixed messages--exactly the reason I am so hurt by her behavior.

So...the good thing is I realize things are over...and I hopefully will never talk to her or see her again. Realizing this made me grieve in a whole new way though, because I definitely miss her still. My counselor helped me out a lot. He asked if I had ever grieved a death in my life. I told him I had, but this is different to me because she isn't dead so I feal I simply wasn't good enough, smart enough, strong enough, didn't work hard enough...the perfectionist in me still thinks I should have found a solution and that I still have hope to find a solution.

My counselor and I talked about this for awhile and he brought some perspective. He said in a way she is dead. Your relationship is dead. He is usually not so blunt. I realized he was right and as long as my ex respects my wishes she really won't be in my life at all anymore. I cried a lot when I had to deal with this...but realizing it and starting to believe it and accept it is the beginning of true recovery.

Thanks again for your thoughts...I feel I am doing better now and am coming to terms with my loss. I hope you are doing well. Feel free to vent if you feel the need!

82

April 11, 2009
3:10 pm
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sunshine88
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Hi Hope2heal, i know what you mean when you said you feel that you weren't good enough, smart enough, strong enough....

it's hard to figure out why they leave us, or why it doesn't work out. am in such a mess too, that sometimes i fall into that trend of thinking, why, why, why...

you do sound like you are on your way to recovery... i admire that. i've dragged myself into the mess i am in, and it's taking forever to recover. so that's why i just had to tell you, it's really admirable at how hard you've worked on getting over your ex.

kudos to you.

April 14, 2009
4:07 pm
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82hopetoheal
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Sunshine,
I’m sorry to hear that things are so tough for you right now. Thank you very much for the support, I am proud of my progress but I still do get down on myself a lot.
I sometimes fear that the more I stick to my guns the more I think about my ex. I know this isn’t true, it’s just some part of me trying to rationalize contacting her. The fact is there is no rational reason to contact her.
It is almost 3 weeks since our last contact, and over 2 months since I have seen her last. I miss her so much still, no matter how hard I try to deny it. I guess it is no use fighting it. It still is very hard to admit we are over. I still have so much hate inside me from all of this. That is the worst. I think I let most of the “sad” and “resentment” out, just have the “hate” to go. So happy purging to me I guess. I think it is simply more difficult to find a constructive/safe/legal way to rid oneself of hate. A good scream helps but I do have neighbors;) Anything work for any of you?

April 14, 2009
4:16 pm
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Needmydaughter
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82-I really don't know much about your situation, I just kinda stumbled into this topic, but I am dealing with a very nasty divorce, and child custody battle right now, and I get filled with hate and anger frequently, because my ex constantly tries to make me angry and hurt me. She does a good job, and most of the time, what I do to relief anger is talk to good friends, and have them help me realize that I don't need to be angry, that what she does is just because she is angry. If that doesn't work for me, I have a scrap piece of wood in the garage, I usually just take my hammer and hit it as hard as I can for a little while, until I am tired, and then usually I am not so angry anymore. I hope that you continue to get better, because I have been in the situation you are in before, and it is tough. I wish you luck and by the sounds of it you are doing well.

April 15, 2009
12:57 am
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sunshine88
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Hi there 82, needmydaughter's suggestion about a hammer and wood might for you. for me, i put on rock music, and jam, i scream with Linkin Park, and jump, and punch pillows! luckily, my flat is built in a way that the sound inside the house doesn't come out. i dont know how they do that.

anyway, i'm a lady so i guess most of what i do is not manly enough for you, lol.

i think i remember that i was very angry too, soon after the breakup. i was angry, i was asking myself why. why did we have to part? what else could i have done better? why was i not enough for someone to stick with me? why did i not deserve his commitment? and so on and so forth.

i didn't really do anything per se to purge the anger, it just passed. it's a stage i guess that has its own course. you can help to advance its passing, but most of the time, you just let it pass on its own. i hope for your own sake, it goes away faster. perhaps you can go to the gym and work out. it does make you feel good about yourself, and releases some endorphins that stimulates you to feel positive.

for some people, yoga works to calm down an angry spirit. you wanna try that?

oh, i know of some friends who use PC strategy games to use their energies in a more competitive way.

let me know what worked for you. we're here to support you...

April 15, 2009
1:41 am
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sunshine88
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you see, Linkin is kinda old now, but they have a song Somewhere I belong, that goes:

I wanna heal,
I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve held so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

... And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away, I'll find myself today

.... hope u liked that...

April 15, 2009
8:30 am
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Needmydaughter
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I love Linkin Park. I saw sunshines suggestion about working out and releasing endorphins, and that made me think about a conversation I had with the person that runs the tatoo place that I get my piercings done at. When you get a tatoo or piercing, your body releases adrenaline and endorphins to cope with the pain. I have to admit, that I really enjoy getting piercings, I have 12 right now, and have plans for at least 4 more, and it is a rush everytime. Maybe that could help? Perhaps a tatoo instead? Good luck with dealing with your anger. Like sunshine said, we are here to support you.

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