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8-23-06
August 23, 2006
4:28 pm
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thumkin
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Just writing here. Thought after a few days or weeks I could come back and see if anything has been figured out, changed, or decided.

I am so tired of feeling so blah. Almost like this quiet little sadness follows me everywhere I go. My daughter tells me even though I am there it feels like I am not there. I never knew I could make such a mess of my life. At least right now I have reasons to feel somewhat down. I know that my b/f losing everything is not my problem and I am trying to be supportive without taking his problems on my shoulders. I think with this happening to him it has kicked me to start worrying about mine. I know that I need to find a new job so that I can have insurance. And I want to find a job in the direction b/f lives. While yes it would be nice not to have to drive 90 miles to see him, I really love the country over there. Plus I want to be in a small school district so that my daughter is not going to highschool here next year. So really time is kicking me in the ass. I keep asking myself how I got to be 34 yrs old twice divorced with three kids and a job with no benefits. With a car that I owe more than its worth, living in a bad neighborhood, renting on top of that, having two maxed out credit cards, in love with another alcoholic. My biggest priority right now is finding a job with benefits. I need insurance and NOW! It sucks that there are so few openings in my field and I am not good at interviewing or selling myself which makes it harder to find a job. I know what I want I just dont have the patients to get it. Plus I wonder if what I want is wrong and God is keeping it from me for a purpose that I have not figured out yet. I want to stop feeling like a failure when it comes to being a mother. I think if I still had insurance I would give Lexapro another chance.

I am still so damn sick of the girls dad calling me to see if Im stil with whats his name, and telling me Ive been gone long enough, come back home he says. Cant you see how much I love you even after all this time he says. I know what I did wrong and I can change, just come home. He is so full of shit. He doesnt have a clue, he is just trying to say the right thing. He has never understood what was wrong with us. He still thinks I am crazy and he is perfect. I know in his own way he does love me the best he can, but he loves himself more than anything else. God, his children, everything else comes second to him. He was the most selfish person I ever met, not to mention abusive mentally, emotionally, and at times almost even physically. But I was the one with the problems. Times like this when I am so financially stressed I think how easy it would be to go back to him. I did it for 10 years. I had no me for 10 years surely I could handle another 10 right? I pray that I never give in to that thought. My brother once said he almost wished I would have stayed in that marraige because then at least I knew what my monster was.

That makes me feel so good. I am such a horrible person now that my own brother thinks I would have been better off staying with my ex-husband. I am so tired of my family acting like I am a terrible person because I am in a relationship. That is thier biggest problem. They think if I wasnt in this relationship everything would be better. If I really believed that I would drop it. Iwould. I hate feeling so depressed and I know thats probably 90% of the problem. Either that or I am the laziest person on earth and my ex-husband was right. I hate how dirty my house stays, I hate that everyday when I get home I go in my room and lay down until bed time. I hate most everything about my life here. Maybe that is why I want to move so bad. Maybe in some warped way I am thinking it would all be different if I were away from here. And maybe the reason I want to move closer to b/f has nothing to do with him or the country but its where I was before this depression began and I want to get back to that. Not the physical place but ya know I had a good job and I was good at it. I was in control of me. It was where I gathered the courage to take my life back and live for me and my girls. It was where I was able to leave my ex-h. Thats what I want. I want to be sure about me again.

August 23, 2006
4:34 pm
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southgoingzax
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thumkin,

our situations aren't identical, but boy, I can sure relate...I am wondering how I got to be 30 with nothing to show for it, a crappy job with no benefits and an income I can't actually live on...no health insurance, and a 4 year relationship with a commitment phobe of a b/f...

I know you are feeling really down...Are you near a college/university? I go to counseling there, most schools have Ph.D. students who do counseling on a sliding scale...

If you are feeling up for it, head over to my thread, "new career suggestions"...I have just gotten a few new ideas and I feel a little better already.

Hugs to you,

zax

August 23, 2006
4:49 pm
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thumkin
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I definately read your career thread. I need to start one like that because I need a new job desperately. I would even be happy making 30k a year. My problem is I cant afford to go to school right now. I still owe over 30k on my student loans for my b.s. Another thing to thank my ex-h for. No time to kick myself over that stupidity now it wont make it go away. I do live in a university town but even a sliding scale I would have trouble with. I was seeing a counselor for a while and my mom was paying for it. I think she thought it would get me to quit seeing my b/f though she never said that. I miss it but there was so many scheduling conflicts. I quit going when I was late a second time picking up my baby from her school. It closes at 530 and I felt horrible plus it cost $1 a minute for every minute you are late. If anyone has any suggestions I am open. My degree is a bs with a major in criminal justice and a minor in psychology. I love the law. I worked in a mental health center for a while but I missed the law angle so much I was miserable. I could probably do drug counseling but it is so geared towards money these days I am afraid of trying that (so far). I love the outdoors and probably would really like something in conservation but again the whole school thing comes up. Law enforcement academy is pretty expensive here. I went through it back in 1996 and I am again kicking myself for not keeping up my post certification because I could easily get into conservation then. I am a true co-dependant. I am good at jobs where I have to help people. Anybody have any suggestions.

August 23, 2006
9:12 pm
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Dear thumkin. You're OK. Don't give up. Just start writing down what you want and what you don't want and then maybe how you thnk you COULD get back on track. You're back to baby steps.

You're going to be alright. Don't let what other people think drive your choices.

Clean up. I mean, first get your appearance looking like you DO care. Start working on your applications and resume and cover letter. If you could find work at a college or university you can take courses as a benefit after a while and work on your degree that way.

Try to counter your negative thinking. I wrote every negative thought down in one column and FORCED myself to write a counter "that's not true" positive in the opposite one. It helped.

You can do this. Take back your power. You're going to be alright.

August 24, 2006
4:35 pm
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thumkin
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8-24-06

What I want and what I dont want. Sometimes that is not such and easy thing. What I want: I want a job with benefits that I can enjoy. I am working on my resume with some help from my sister in law who is a human resource manager. Or at least she said she would help. I know with the baby and going back to work she is busy. I want to move away from this city. I want me and the girls to be able to play outside without being scared, I want to live in the country! I want to be happy:) I want to awaken everyday instead of sleep walk through life. I want my girls to be happy! I want to spend time with them and see them laugh and smile. I want a clean house!!! I want the energy back to make all of this happen or at least what I can do to help it along. I want my relationship to work. I know he is an alcoholic. I know everyone says he is emotionally unavailable, but I dont know what that means. He treats me and the girls with respect. He is very open and honest, even about his drinking. But I am not going to push it or make things happen. I am just trying to go with the flow and see where that takes us. I am not used to being with someone treats me so well. I know he is not at his best when we argue(if you can call it that) but when the heat of the moment passes we talk things over and that is something no one has ever done with me. I like being treated nice and as an equal, and Im not ready to give that up yet. Anyhow.... I want to lose weight which is hard for me to do with my thyroid problem so I never should have let myself gain this weight. I would really love to look in the mirror and see what other people tell me they see. I have always seen myself as so ugly and fat. I once found a picture of myself in a bikini, but it was taken in a room without a flash so I could not tell who it was exactly. I accused my husband of cheating on me. He said thats you stupid. I said it is not I have never been that thin before. After he started pointing out where it was, it was my swimsuit, I realized he was right. I swear I have never looked in the mirror and been that thin but there it was in the picture. How is it that I cannot see that? Why do I not see me as beautiful or at least passing pretty. I am not saying I am beautiful, I am just saying why do I have to see ugly when I look in the mirror. I would really like to make some friends outside of my boyfriends family and the ones I already have. I love the friends I have but we are all messed up it would be nice to have friends that are a little less loco than me. People with less drama in thier lives. Sometimes I swear I am a drama queen and that I thrive off of it. But then when coming back down I realize less drama would have felt better. Oh well enough of what I want for today. Tomorrow I will tackle what I dont want.

August 24, 2006
4:57 pm
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southgoingzax
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baby steps...

I am starting over too. I have $42,000 in student loans (all my own doing :(). I spent 4 years getting an M.A. and now I work for $13.90 an hour, with NO benefits. I can't afford anything but necessities...

I think you would be surprised at how little you would have to pay to see a counselor - I pay $15.00 a week, but the usual policy is to turn no one away who needs help - even if you could only pay $2.00 a week, I'm sure they would be willing to work with you. Take the first step, call and see - usually the first consultation visit is free, so you wont lose anything. Also, they will work with your schedule - my counselor meets with me at 6:15 pm, or saturday afternoons.

Just take a deep breath, pick up the phone, and call - just get started. I know you are feeling stuck, but it's hard to get unstuck. Try to do one thing a day to get you back on track.
Keep posting, I think it's a good motivator.

zax

August 25, 2006
10:58 am
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thumkin
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Okay as far as the counseling goes how do you find out if the university has what you are talking about. I was majoring in psychology when I was in school there and I dont remember a program like that. How do I find out if our university has that?

August 25, 2006
11:31 am
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Melpomene
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If you call the university number and ask the operator for the counseling department, they should be able to direct you from there. Sometimes you can go to the nurse's office and ask them there too.

August 28, 2006
10:37 am
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thumkin
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8-28-06
I had a long weekend, or it felt long during the weekend. With Monday here it feels like it wasnt long enough. I am procrastinating but am hoping I get my stuff together and send off two resumes today. I am sooo glad this coming weekend is a holiday weekend and I will be off next Monday. I am nowhere different than where I have been though. I still love my b/f and cannot imagine breaking things off with him. It does not feel like there is anything not right between us. I did get annoyed with him Saturday night for a short amount of time but it never lasts more than a few moments. We have never had a fight at least not like what I define as a fight. And he is the first person who has ever taken the time to talk things out and come to agreement with me. Talking was never my thing and I know communication is key for relationships. It just feels easier with him than it ever has with anyone else in my life (other than my daughters) I am doing the communication thing with my girls more and more. Instead of just yelling at them. I think part of the reason my life is so torn is just because I know everything and everyone says relationships with alcoholics never work but this feels right and I just keep trying to see what it is that is wrong. I dont want to move forward if all this horrible stuff is going to happen but I cant let go when it doesnt feel wrong or horrible. UGGHHH. Its so damn frustrating. I guess maybe a part of me is so questioning cuz I seem to be a better person when I am around him. Something in the back of my mind tells me that that might not quite be a good thing. I dont know. I know that my girls can tell a difference in the way I do things when we are with him. I wonder if I didnt live so far away if it would be different. I dont know. I am hoping something will happen and a great big light will come on and I will see what it is I am looking for. I had this friend (the only reason b/f and I have any disagreements so far) he used to tell me he was okay when I asked how he was doing but he would always say it just feels like something is missing. I know what he is talking about. And I asked him in return one time, I said Steve what if something isnt missing, what if this is it, all there is and we are holding back and not fully living our lives waiting for something that doesnt exsist. Is it an inner something thats missing? an outer something? How much life will be gone and unreturnable before I figure out what IT is and start living my life? My boyfriend is hurting so bad right now. I wish there were something I could do to make it easier for him. Sometimes just listening and holding him seems small when compared to what he is facing right now. Yesterday he asked me to stay one more night before coming home. With school started back up I couldnt but he asked more than once. He knows I couldnt and he understands that but I know that him asking more than once was a cry to not leave him alone. I know he is hurting so bad and I hate that. So right now arent we a pair. His life is in turmoil for different reasons. But here we both are trying to figure out what to do with our lives and I cant. Im not sure if he is procrastinating as much as I am though. I dont know. I wish my mind would let me take a vacation from thinking about it. I wish things would just happen but I guess that would be taking my responsibility away. My boyfriend says his mama used to tell him, son its a strong world if it doesnt weaken. I think if I knew what she meant by that I would agree with her.

August 28, 2006
2:52 pm
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thumkin
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I went out today and bought the CD by Blue October that has the song Hate Me on it. That song makes me cry cuz I know that is what my boyfriend tries to do sometimes and I keep telling myself I am going to let him. Its like we both know that we are both unhealthy right now but neither one of us has the courage or the strength to let go of the other. How sick is that. We are both holding on hoping for that happily ever after I think. I know he has told me before it would be easier for the people he cares about if he could make them hate him. But he's not the cold person he would need to be to do that and I think he knows that and hurting others on purpose would be something he could not do. He has tried and always backs off when he sees me start to hurt. If he was mean like that it would be different. And I know how bad he is hurting on the inside. I wish there was some way he could get the help he needs because I hate seeing him hurting this bad.

August 29, 2006
12:41 pm
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thumkin
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8-29-06

I was 32 years old before I learned that other religons dont honor Mary the way we do. I had just moved to a new area when these kids knocked on my door. They said they wanted to welcome us to the area. Then they said youre catholic right? I looked at myself and then at them and I really could tell no difference. I guess it showed on my face the incredulous how did you know that look. They pointed to my Mary statue. They were very polite and invited us to attend thier church. I just wondered how I could get to be my age how I could experience so much of life and have learned so little.

I feel so very ignorant so very often. Religon is not the only area my knowledge is lacking. Politics, science, geography, its like I only live in my own little world. Its amazing but I have a college degree. I dont know the differences between the republicans and the democrats. I dont know all the states capitals and I am not sure I could even name all of the fifty states. I dont understand taxes or even know which ones I pay. I know there are bad people in the world but I have never met any of them. That is very funny considering what I do for a living. (probation & parole)

I have begun to believe I am a little crazy. What other explanation is there for who I am. I have a horrible memory. Some things remain vivid in my mind, other things leave almost as instantly as they enter. I dont have a conscious fear of being alone, I have always felt alone, but I have never been alone. I feel as though I have searched my whole life for someone to love me. I have never felt that loved. I have always searched for that someone out there who would think I was really special, someone who would believe I was worth going that extra distance for. The golden rule states do unto others as you would have others do unto you. So I go. I put everything I have into making someone feel they are that special. I find myself waiting. Holding on to the hope that this time I have found what I am looking for. I have hurt people doing that. I would never intentionally hurt someone. Its just that I experience moments of sanity. I believe I am a good person. Sometimes it almost feels like I am the only one who thinks so. Helping others makes me feel good about myself. Its the definition of insanity - doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. But I know no other way. I encourage people everyday to adapt, adjust, change and grow. Yet my daily exsistence does not change. I do not deal well with change. I will stay in a dark room rather than move to a new one to avoid that change. I know what is in the dark room. While it may be bad and scary whose to say that the next room wont be worse.

I see the pain in his life. He has had more than his fair share. Alcoholism runs in his family. He began drinking at a very young age. His mother died of lung cancer when he was 16. His son died when he was only 18 months old of a disease he was born with. His father was killed or committed suicide. No one knows for sure. He was a suspect of murder when his fathers widow was found dead. He had to raise his youngest brother from the time he was barely an adult himself. He lost all contact with his two littlest sisters when his stepmom, thier mother was killed or overdosed, again no one knows for sure. He was sober for ten years. His wife of sixteen years came to him one day and told him she was leaving because they had grown apart and she didnt love him anymore. He never saw it coming. Anyone could see it coming when he fell off the wagon after that. He lost everything but his parents home in the divorce. After two years of bad crops they are now coming to take the home he grew up in away too. He is 35 years old. Because of everything he's gone through is not why I love him. He is an amazing person even after everything he has been through. He has never lied to me. Good, bad, or ugly he is always honest. He is very gentle and good. Everyone has some selfishness in them and he is no exception, but in general he is not selfish. He is not a mean drunk and he will pretty much say the same things when he is drunk as when he is sober. He has respect for women and children. and he is good to his daughter. He knows his drinking is not fair to his daughter, his self, or me and he struggles with that. But I know hes not to the place where he is ready to quit though some days he thinks he is. There is a darkness inside of him. You can see it in his eyes. He doesnt speak of that pain often. I believe it is killing him. He fights it the best way he knows how but there are times he just wants to give up and escape from it. I hate that darkness and dont understand why it has to have a hold on such a good person. He has taught me so much in the time I have known him. I have never been good at communicating my feelings. He wont accept my I dont knows. He has taught me to enjoy physical closeness. I was married for twelve years of my life and never snuggled, cuddled, or let myself be held. Never. He touches me and I dont push him away. He holds me and I dont freak out. I feel safe in his arms not smothered. I have always loved the outdoors but also had to sit on the sidelines and watch becuase I was a girl. He goes camping with me. He not only takes me hunting with him but he taught me to do it myself. He doesnt like fishing but he goes with me often because he knows I love it. He took me squirrell hunting once because I asked him to. It was pouring down rain most of the time but he took me. Then he let me go off on my own. I am a big chicken too. I love the woods but am very afraid of mountain lions and getting lost. That day I got scard. I know there was nothing there but I swear I heard something growl. I turned around and stated backtracking to find him, afraid that I would take the wrong path. And there he was not far behind me to offer that security he makes me feel. And he had me laughing at myself before I said a word. He knew I needed him and he was there for me. We looked like two fools Im sure standing there soaking wet in the woods laughing in the rain. He would give me the only blanket in the cold. He tells me I am a good mother when I doubt myself. He gets upset with me if I talk down on myself. He does not stand for anyone to say bad things about me. He is very protective. He tells me I am not fat and likes me just the way I am. He knows I am codependent and encouraged me to go when I said I wanted to go to al-anon meetings. And when I was too scared to go he talked to me about what it was like to attend AA meetings. He tells me he loves me everyday. He is good to my girls, they love him. He plays with all the kids. He tries hard to think of things for all of us to do together as a family. Things he thinks the children will really enjoy. Hes not afraid to do new things. He even tried eating my liver dumplins. He took me to deer camp where the men in his family get together one week a year. There is sooo much more to who he is and that is why I love him. I have this deep dark fear that one or both of us are going to be hurt so badly. I dont want to hurt him and I dont believe he wants to hurt me either.

There is the bad to go with the good. When he is drunk he wants me to drink with him and when I dont want to he pouts like a spoiled child. He is never mean or abusive but he trusts no one. He trusts some of us more than others but no one completely. Maybe no one trusts anyone completely but he is afraid of trusting too much. He has a sister that he is VERY close to but I have noticed he doesnt even trust her completely either. I dont know if he is bipolar or just depressed. But I believe he is one of those. I would guess that he just has a major depressive disorder and the times it seems like he is manic just has to do with his drinking because he doesnt seem manic very often at all and he is often depressed. But I love him. Even knowing that his uncle committed suicide and his father may have, I love him. I pray that I do not have it in my head to try to save him. I dont think I do. The thought of him ending his own life, the thought of him no longer on this earth causes me to have an anxiety attack. The thought of never seeing him again, knowing hes there also causes me to have an anxiety attack. I want so much for him to be happy, to find happiness. I know there is nothing I can do to make him happy or healthy. I know that is something he is going to have to find on his own. But I see him trying. Am I naive in believing he will. I know he is one of God's children too. I know God surely wants some good in his life too and God loves him too. Surely God crossed out paths for a reason. How do I answer him when he asks me why life has to be so hard.

Just really been thinking way too much lately. I am so afraid the best thing would be to let go. But I feel like Iwould be letting go of the best thing. You should feel the peace when the six of us sit down at the table together to eat.

August 29, 2006
3:17 pm
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thumkin
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I thought that when I started this thread it was just a way for me to put the things in my head in print and I would find some kind of answer after going over it again and again. But right now if anyone has the time I would really appreciate an outside view. Like a teacher grading a paper, what is it here that I am not seeing that should be covered. I know there is some kind of answer to be found.

August 29, 2006
3:34 pm
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thumkin -

My first question would be about your children. Do they SEE him drinking? Do they SEE him drunk? Or are they somewhere else, while this is going on? If your children are being exposed to it, if they see empty booze bottles/beer bottles, etc. in the trash on a daily basis, if they witness him drinking alcohol on a routine basis, they are being affected. And they will PROBABLY wind up struggling with alcohol use, themselves. So, they must be protected. Our children come before the man in our lives. Period. And I am sure you feel the same way about it.

As far as your own life is concerned, you seem able to handle his drinking. However, I do see tremendously codependent overtones to your relationship with this man. It is impossible to co-exist with an alcoholic without being codependent (or co-alcoholic). You feel sorry for him. You feel his pain. You want his life to be better. It's all about him. What about YOU? He will be nice to you, as long as you support (and make no waves about) his drinking. His drinking is his god. If you try and interfere, even for the sake of HIS health OR your children's exposure to his addiction, you will see a very different side of him. I promise you that. He is an alcoholic. Period. The booze will ALWAYS come first...even above you.

I can't really help you. I was married to an alcoholic for 19 years, until he got sick, couldn't drink anymore and wound up committing suicide. He couldn't take being sober and dealing with the hard knocks of life without that beer in his hand.

Sobriety killed him.

- Strong

August 29, 2006
4:39 pm
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Do you think that if he stayed drunk he would not have killed himself? I mean I know either way he would have lost because the alcohol would have killed him but I wonder about that?

YES my children are my first concern. Their fathers are also alcoholics so believe me I worry every day how all this shit is affecting them. So far yes they see him drink but no they dont see him drunk.

I think part of the reason his drinking has been something I can handle is because he is so different than my ex-h's. His behavior, his attitude, his treatment of women and children.

In the end what matters the most is that I am unhealthy because my kids see that on a daily basis and that is how I keep ending up with unhealthy relationships. And that is what is causing all my stress right now. And that has still not been enough to make me make a decision on what to do with my life.

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