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4 months of NC
March 21, 2008
11:21 pm
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through_the_fire
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Can't believe it's been that long since any contact with my mother. Today a moody restaurant in a diner set me off to thinking about her. The waitress said to my husband and I, "You probably know what you want?" (we usually order the same thing) I said, "Actually I'd like to look at a menu." (finally wanted something different) She came back and threw the menus on the table in a huff. We just looked at each other with WTF expressions. It was totally minor, but it set off this whole thing in me.

I don't want to be in touch with a crazy person who goes off on me for no damn reason! I'm not responsible for her life and her misery!

It's been 4 months, and I'm solidly behind keeping no contact.

Fire

March 21, 2008
11:21 pm
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through_the_fire
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a moody waitress in a diner

March 21, 2008
11:55 pm
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sdesigns
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I hear ya, fire. I didn't speak to my mother for about 8 years. We never reconciled although we got to a point where I would talk to her occasionally but I didn't enjoy it and never liked being around her.

She died about 1 1/2 years ago and it was like losing a stranger, not much more.

My father and I had a falling out last fall, and I feel the same way about him. He yelled at me about something that was out of my control. I guess you reach a point that their behavior is not tolerable, and its not worth the misery and aggravation of taking it anymore. I have had a lifetime of yelling from them, and its like there's no more room in my life for that.

Its their choice to behave that way and they have to be responsible for the consequences. No one to blame but themselves.

SD

March 22, 2008
12:36 am
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marypoppins
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Fire,

Congratulations on NC with your mom. She has taken enough from you already.

A lot of my anger towards my parents, especially my mother, has been resurfacing since I've gotten "my men" out of my life and resolved to end my crumb-taking days. My dad no longer beats me, but my mom continues to play the victim, criticize, and let her rage go unchecked. She has tried to pull my 12-year-old daughter into all of it as well. THAT really infuriates me.

Every holiday, and whenever else she feels like it, my mom starts instigating trouble and stirring things up between her four daughters and their families. Manic depression and alcoholism is rampant on her side of the family, yet she believes it has missed her somehow.

I think I'm also angry with her because she stayed with my dad while he was beating the crap out of us. They enabled each other. She has no idea what it's like to be a single mother.

Mother myself? It has to be a completely different model than what I grew up with. Those tapes in my head just tell me what a shit I am - what a mean and deceitful little shit I am. How are YOU doing on the self-mothering?

So, is NC with your mother becoming easier? I hope you don't let feelings of guilt win out.

I know it's best for me not to have contact with my mom, but even at 46, after all the therapy I've had, I still wish I had a mom who could really be there for me. However, she can't be trusted. At all.

But, I have my daughter.

Sorry for rambling and making this more about Mary, Mary, Mary...

Mary

March 22, 2008
9:31 am
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through_the_fire
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sdesigns, "Its their choice to behave that way and they have to be responsible for the consequences. No one to blame but themselves." Yes! Yes! Yes! I always thought, and was made to think by her that *I* was responsible! You know I was telling a friend that I had to just take it because she's so miserable, so troubled, so mentally ill. Huh? Since when doesn't that make her responsible? Compassion doesn't mean standing in the way of trouble and taking the hit. That just tells them that what they're doing is correct!

Mary...I love how you riffed off my post. I've studied Buddhism for awhile and when I heard a monk say, "Think of of all sentient beings as your mothers" I was like "What? Oh no way!" 🙂 I've had a couple of women I adopted as moms...and believe it or not they both died the same week about four years ago. Weird, huh?

You, I imagine, know more about mothering, then I do. But let's just say when Evelyn, my adopted mom had to leave for the west coast because she had cancer and needed the care of her sons, I was talking to her on that sad day from my office. After she told me it was hard to leave, I said I would cancel my classes and come over to wait with her for the car to the airport. She said, with warmth and love in her voice, "No, honey. Thank you. Be happy, my darling. Be happy."

Can't recall that without tears. That was one of the most revolutionary mothering, loving things I have ever heard.

Fire

March 22, 2008
11:31 am
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sdesigns
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Fire: We have been conditioned to love our parents, respect them, blah, blah, blah, but some people are not meant to be parents, imo. My mother was one of them. Why would a mother treat her own child so miserably?

Not many people understand a child not wanting contact with their mother. But we are no dif than an animal that has been beaten repeatedly. We finally learn to avoid the beatings (I'm speaking figuratively- as in verbal beatings in my case) and walk away.

Guilt is a natural affect of walking away, because thats not how it is supposed to be. But I really feel its not to be our burden. We are just taking care of ourselves.

I seem to bond with older women too- my substitute moms. Right now I have 3 ladies in their 70's and 80's who are watching out for me. One I am very close too and she calls me her daughter. What a dif relationship than I had with my mother. Last night we were talking about Easter and I relayed a story to her about what my mother did one Easter and she almost started crying, she felt so badly that I had experiences and memories like that.

There IS a dif life out there for us than the one our parent wants us to experience.

((((Fire))))

SD

March 22, 2008
2:02 pm
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through_the_fire
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Thank you, (((sdesigns)))) I think a lot of people pretend they don't know why a child wouldn't want contact with a parent. These are often the same people who turn away when the kid is helpless and looking for shelter.

You know how it wasn't supposed to be? I wasn't supposed to be HER mother, serving her, putting up with her sick and demented moods. Do you know how many times the woman has disowned me over the years for silly, ridiculous things? How dare I want to see my grandmother as well as her over the holidays. Bam. You are no longer my daughter.

Well, I'm not stupid enough to say to her, You're no longer my mother... because if we want to go there, we'd have to talk about what a mother does, and what her behavior towards me has been. It doesn't match up. So as I said in my email to her, simply, I've had enough.

I'm on the look out for women in their 70s and 80s...:-) It must have been something to see your friend's reaction to your story. For real moms it really breaks their hearts to hear about mistreatment by moms.

Fire

March 22, 2008
3:49 pm
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marypoppins
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Fire,

I adopted a mom when I was living in France. She was very cool. I wonder if there's a section in the personals for this sort of thing.

My mom has moments of greatness, but you just never know.

Sentient beings. My daughter is one.

Are you and your husband planning on kids? You'd be a great mom.

Mary

March 22, 2008
5:18 pm
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through_the_fire
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Yes, Mary, I can see it now: Mom needed to replace psychopath!

It's a long story about me and babies. I'm at life risk in bearing a child, so that has been that. I'm ok with it, but it has had it's rough spots.

Fire

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