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3 little kids, rx drug use, and abuse.. please help
August 28, 2007
10:55 pm
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hpn4hlp
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I need some advice or help.

This is lengthy, and I need to get this off my chest...

Here is the story...
Met my Husband when I was 18. We have been together 12 years. We have 3 little kids. 2,4, and 6. Husband works as a truck driver and has had alot of different jobs since we have been together. Some good, some bad. Longest 3 years. I work as well I have a college degree and a decent job. When we both worked, I would take care of most of the family and household duties. He would help if I begged him, but seemed to get minimal the more kids that we had.

This is where our really bad marriage problems started. He got "hurt" at work in February 2006. Had surgery in October 2006. Didn't work during that time at all as he didn't want to hurt his chance for a settlement. I am sure that he could find "something", but he didn't, so I went back to work. I had been at home with our youngest for the last 9 months.

History on alcohol/rx...He has been on Rx (xanax and luvox) for the last 11 years for anxiety, OCD, and depression. He drinks socially on mostly weekends only and has since we have been together. When I complained after we got married that he had a problem, he stopped drinking cold turkey for about 9 months. (While I was pregnant with one of the kids) You see his Dad is an alcoholic. Husband knows that alot of times he can't stop when he starts drinking. For the last year or more, he would drink one or both of the weekend nights with a six pack of beer or more, while on medication.

For the last 2 years, he has been prescribed 4 xanax pills a day from his dr. I found out that he would take up to 8 a day. My insurance allowed him to get 3 months supply at a time (BAD MISTAKE)I didn't realize this for a few months what was happening but once I found out, I limited his drug supply. He lied about his use all the time, and i would catch him and it would start a huge fight.

Ok, here is some of the Problem: At the beginning of his time off work, he kept the kids during the day. It was nice to have them at home bonding with him, at least for a little while. But then, he would take a nap with them for 2-3 hours a day while I was working because he said that he was so tired. Didn't know that he was doubling his dosing of his prescription, plus he was taking pain killers he got from the dentist for some work he got done. 4-5 months later, our oldest started kindergarten. He was responsible to take her to school, and would constantly make her late, due to his OCD he said. This was affecting her grades. Since our oldest was going to school, we put the middle one in preschool as he needed socialization. Then husband knew he would be getting surgery soon and then would need to get back to work, so we put the youngest in daycare a few days a week to get used to it. So here is the story, kids are all at school he had the time at home to clean, and get ready to go back to work. Once he had surgery, he didn't feel that he was ready to go back to work, even though he was released to go back. This went on for a few months. We could barely stay above water with bills. I begged him to get some sort of job, delivering pizza, anything. He never did. He claimed he needed to fully recover and couldn't drive a truck again.

Six months ago, he had had enough of me nagging him to find a job, and complaining that he didn't do anything that he upped and left me and the kids to live with his Mom 12 hours away one day, while I was at work. He begged and pleaded that he made a mistake and I took him back a week later.

All the promises that he made to come back were lies, and nothing ever came out of them. All in All, He was home for a year and a few months, without working. He finally found a part time job - 25 hours a week. The kids are going to school/daycare full time at this point. Husband would work about 6 hours, and then come home from his part time job and fall asleepm, and he would not pick up the kids. So I would work all day, and needed to pick up the kids. This went on for a few weeks, and then he quit it, as he said that he would find a better full time job. Unfortunately, he couldn't find one. He was off work for another month. He would still get off early, and one night I questioned what he did all day as he got home at 1, he had went home and taken a nap. He went berserk. He hit/bit/pushed me. Mentally and physically abused me for almost 2 hours. Wouldn't let me go to sleep. Sad thing, this happened 2 months before, but he begged and pleaded, and I came back. I did it for the kids - I felt that they needed thier Dad.. I thought. plus I didn't think that I could do it again.

After the second violent incident (in June), the next morning I went to the police dept and was able to get a temp injunction. While he was away, my head was cleared, and I filed for divorce. I realized that I could do this on my own, and was going to do it. The kids would be better off with parents that weren't fighting.

It has been pretty bitter. He moved back with his mom and has been there for the last 3 months. Has not gotten a job up there (he has had the kids 2.5 weeks for the summer total (2 - 1 week long trips) That is what he is claiming is the reason that he hasn't gotten a job.

We had a court date yesterday, and it was ugly. But then, as it usually does, he claims that he wants to come back. I told him that if he can show me that he would take care of his family and me financially for the next 3 months, that I would think about it.

I know this is crazy. I have put up with it for the last 2 years. I feel that it is not all his fault. He tells me that it is mostly me that has driven our family apart, and still won't admit that he was violent with me. He says that he crossed the line, but won't admit that he did anything that bad to get the police involved and break up our family.

Here is where your help/feedback cmoes in:
Should I drop the divorce as he wants and give him the 3 months that I told him I might try, to see if he changes.. Or Keep the divorce filed to let him see that I am serious and risk truly losing him ( he claims that we would be completely over if I keep the divorce going ) and hopefully he will get some sort of help.

August 28, 2007
11:50 pm
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serenityali
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Well, what would you be losing? What has he done to show you he loves you and the children? The physical, emotional and financial abuse isn't going to change. No, if he really wanted to change he would have gotten professional help by now. If you take him back what are you telling him? That his mistreatment of you is okay?

He has many problems and needs to take responsibility for his actions. You can not do this for him and the only way he will change is by feeling so much pain that he wants to change. He obviously has an addiction and mental health problem. The abuse will only get worse until he gets help and that isn't YOUR responsibilty, it's HIS.

This is a wonderful site. You will get great feedback. Please listen and learn from the people here. So please so not stop the divorce.

I wish you the best.

Ali

August 28, 2007
11:58 pm
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soofoo
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What I find really disturbing about this is that he doesn't admit that he was violent with you. That tells me that he will do it again.

You have two separate issues here and I think it's important that you try to keep them separate.

1. He hit you and he bit you. And he thinks you deserved it.

2. He's not making enough money.

If he solves problem number 2 by say, getting a fulltime job, you run the risk of thinking all of your proiblems are solved. And I can tell that he's trying to make it seem like the fact that he hit you and bit you is no big deal.

The violence is very, very serious. If he doesn't get that, I think you are putting yourself at great risk by taking him back. He needs to get it in his head that if he hits you he SHOULD be arrested and removed from the house.

You must feel very vulnerable being with 3 small children, and I understand that feeling very well. PLease do not let him exploit this. You were absolutely right to get the temporary injunction.

Post back, no matter what you decide.

August 29, 2007
12:53 am
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_anonymous
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Its seriouse. You are doing the right thing by getting a divorce. I was in the same situation. Pretty scary. It doesnt get bad it gets worse. Fortuantly I put mine in jail for the second time. My life got 100% better after that.

August 29, 2007
6:42 am
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CAMER
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you saw his past behavior when he first went to his mom's house....he begged and pleaded to come home, and you took him, then he hit and bit you, and now he wants again to promise you the world.

I think he is saying this so he can get back home, promise you things and not come thru with them.

He has anger and violence issues that need to be cleared up 1st b4 you take him back.

Make him earn your trust, don't just take him back. He can go to anger management courses, etc. I myself would be afraid to be around a person like this.

No matter what, he is not being accountable for his actions. And blaming you for his problems...well it is not you, it is him.

And as one of the last posts said, you probably feel vulnerable, with 3 small kids, and yes, HE is your hubby, but he shouldn't treat you that way.

Think this over, and please keep us posted.

((((((((((camer))))))))))))

August 30, 2007
11:03 pm
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serenityali
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hpn,

I hope you're okay, you haven't responded to any of the replies. Please let us know how you are.

Ali

August 31, 2007
2:12 am
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thedogsmom
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I'm sorry to say it.. but I too am in love with a drug addict..and I'm learning the hard way..that it doesn't matter how hard YOU try..to hold things together.....but whether the drug addict...Sees..admits...he has a problem...and Wants to get better and takes action to get the help he needs to stop.

From your very sad story..I don't see your husband taking much responsibility for the problems in the marriage..which trulystems from his drug use and irresponsibility.

I know divorce is not the answer or choice you really want... you want your family together and happy..the way it used to be... but It doesn't sound like HE is really ready to make that positive change. I don't think he is being fair to you...telling you that IF you divorce him IT will TRULY be OVER FOREVER! but then again..addicts and their actions aren't about being responsible and fair.

I believe your only way to happiness and peace for yourself and children is to go through with the divorce. Maybe. this will force him to change his life..get help..get off the drugs.. maybe it will give him more excuse to throw in the towel and continue on that downward spiral he is going toward. But from what I'm learning. ..you cannot reason with an active addict. And the fact that he gets violent and has done so before and won't admit to it and therefore can't be sorry or remorseful..makes me afraid for your safety and not only for your health ... as I'm sure you must be suffering so with the stress.

My heart bleeds for you and I'm hoping you can find the answers and the strength to do what needs to be done.
TDM

August 31, 2007
8:46 am
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hpn4hlp
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All:
Thanks for all the responses. I know and knew the answer that is best for me and the kids, but guess I needed a little re-assurance ?? I haven't contacted him since then, and he is back out of state, which helps. I am going to be civil with him for the kid's sake, but realize that I can't make promises to him that I can't keep. I have pretty much told him that if he gets a job and supports us until Christmastime that we can work on it and he can move back in. I can't do this. It is not fair to him or myself.

I realize that this is not the answer or cure all. He needs more help than just getting a job. The other issue is, about 8 months ago, he admitted he had a problem with the drugs and has been going to a different doctor to get off the xanax and they weaned him onto something less strong.. (couldn't tell you the name) then I go back and see that he is trying.. but then the violent issue still did happen. I can't turn my eye on that. I know that he would NEVER hurt the kids, but I have to worry about myself and how he treats me in front of them. What he is teaching the boys and how to act toward women. I am not perfect and can have a equal screaming match with him and say some not so nice things and why would I want to put them and myself and him through that any longer. heck even the conversations over the phone are pretty much the same thing. If he doesn't hear what he want to hear (come home) He gets nasty and angry and screams horrible things.

I am actually a better and stronger person these last 3 months. I feel lonely at times and yes miss my friend, but no screaming at the house, I have lost about 35 pounds and am taking care of myself.

I am glad that I found this forum and thanks for those that took the time to post. If you have any other comments, I will continue to check out this and other links as i am finding this very helpful to realize there are alot of people going through the same thing.

God Bless!!!

September 1, 2007
9:32 am
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serenityali
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You sound good...I was concerned when we didn't hear much back. You never know when there is abuse involved. I was happy to hear you're okay and nothing new was happening.

Ali

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