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3 am - can't sleep
November 10, 2000
6:50 am
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jwt
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Where do I start. A good history of the problem can be found in my last thread, "I must be losing my mind," that was last posted on Dec 3 99. The only things that have changed are that each problem seems to have gotten worse.
I married my wife 27 years ago when I was 19. She is not a bad person and I think she really does love me. I guess I have changed over the years and I am not much of a husband any more. We argue all the time and haven't had sex in about 2 years. I am so unhappy and know that this is not what I want for the rest of my life. Watching me be miserable all the time is making her unhappy too. We talked about it again last night. I know that she would be better off without me. I really do care about her and want her to find some happiness with someone who will treat her the way she wants and deserves to be treated. She says that I am just being selfish. We argued again and I slept in the guest room.
I am selfish. I found someone three years ago who who changed my life. She is my assistant at work and I am desperately in love with her. She knows how I feel and says she loves me too. We have a strong emotional and physical attraction, but, we have no future. She fell in love with a man 5 years ago who has now divorced his wife for her. They have a lot of problems and she says she is not sure that he is what she wants. But, she doesn't want to feel responsible for breaking up another marrage. She also feels tied to the little community where they both live and where her children are likely to remain after they leave home. Now that the divorce is over, they are begining to see each other in public as a couple. I have dreaded this for two years and it hurts even more than I thought it would.
I found an emotional and physical passion with my assistant that I did not know existed. That passion was never there with my wife. My assistant tells me the feeling is mutual. But, now that her boyfriend is coming around all the time she feels guilty being with me and then going home to him. He called last night just before we were together. I told her that it was okay to just forget our plans and asked her if she just wanted to go home. She told me that she could never tell me no. I thought it was because of all the things she tells me about how I turn her on and how much she wants me. Well, when it was over, I could tell that something was still bothering her. I asked her why she didn't tell me no. She said that she would never tell me no because she was afraid that I wouldn't still be nice to her and her children. She was afraid that I wouldn't keep on teaching her things about our business. She was afraid that I would stop telling her how nice she looks becuase that is important to her.
My assistant had a sexually abusive step father when she was 13. The reasons she gave me for not saying no last night were too similar to the reasons she had for allowing her step father to abuse her. In my eyes right now, I am no different than he was. I can't deal with that.
I will have to face both of these women in just a few hours. I don't know what to do. The only way to avoid huge arguments is for me to act like everything is okay. This "act" keeps the peace at home and at work. But, it's a lie.
I want out of my marrage for her sake and mine. I want a future with my assistant but that seems more impossible now than ever. I have talked with each one over and over about the problems with our relationships. These discussions never change anything except to make things worse.
I have a strong urge to leave. I am making both of these women unhapy. But when I talk about ending either relationship, they cry and act like its the end of the world. Maybe I should just leave. Go somewhere else. Start a new life. I don't know if I could handle being lonely or causing all the hurt for two people I really do care about. On the other hand, I am the problem here and leaving may be the best thing I could do for everyone.
I know you guys. Don't start with the go to counseling advice. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. You guys are as close to that as I am willing to go.
I know that the only person I can change is me. Unfortunately, changing me won't bring passion into my marrage because it never was there. I don't think any amount of cognitive therapy can create passion. It also won't make my assistant abandon her plans and come running to me.
I know I must change something. I don't still want to be in this same spot a year from now. I can't live like this any more.
I have spent a lot of time on my knees praying about this. I have a lot of faith and believe God is showing me a path...leave. I have faith that it is for the best and that He will take care of me. I'm still scared and have no one on earth that I am willing to talk to about this.
Please help me.

November 10, 2000
12:40 pm
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Molly
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I hear you asking for help, but not really wanting to take advice, because you know that you know what you really want. It depends on your character, you can honor your commitment to your family, and regain your integrity, or you can selfishly leave, and follow your desire to create a new life for your self, but where ever you go, you are you, and the same issues will appear. You created your delima when you went outside of the marriage for your comfort, and immediate gratification. You cannot be in two places at the same time. As soon as the fantasy of relations with the assistant began, you created space and distance from your mate. The emptyness lies with in you, not with the assistant or your wife, thus the guilt shame, and emotional turmoil. The consequences of divorce are not all a bed of roses, and the emotional pain from breaking your commitment, destroying a family, will effect your business, and ties with the community, and future relations with your children, not even to mention the financial loss, divorce creates such a down slide all the way around. If you are prepared to do this, and deal with the pain of the lonliness, and lack of familiar support then give it a try.Passion fades quickly,it is not what marriage is all about, and the passion of trust,comfort, and familiarity is much more signifigant, than temporary sexual fullfillment, and as we age, and have made choices, we began to realize the value of long term relations, the loyalty that our partners demonstrated, is much more signifigant than a quick toss in the bed, or a stimulating conversation. Then you must look at the quality of the person that is committing adultry with you, what type of person is this, certainly not as integrious at the woman who gave you children and has cared for you over the last 27 years. You are opening a pandoras box, sir, and I suggest that you do continue to pray,question how God would tell you to leave, break commandments, and be selfish? and get down on your knees and ask for forgiveness, and humility, and direction to get back your dignity. This sounds like a typical mid life crisis, the is that all there is syndrome. Marriage is like a dance a change in partners does not change anything it is the same, so unless you want to start shopping for another person who does not honor committment, because at your age, and the people that are available to you that is all that would be available to you, with the baggage of failed relations, and child hood problems, or a child that certainly could stimulate passion for a while until you realize that you have nothing in common that is all that there is except of a life alone. Think long and hard of the cost, because there is a big cost for everything, and what you have now, that you are now taking for granted, will be sorely missed, and most likely impossible to replace. But then again I could be wrong.

November 11, 2000
11:33 am
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lost soul
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Molly, how nice if those who have infidelity's problem will think so rationally like you.By then it will be less divoice and hatred couples. Thus it will be less imperfact childhood.

I think sometime the temptation is very high/ big. But if you will to ask yourself few questions before you commit adulterly then you might be able to control yourself.

November 11, 2000
11:46 am
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Molly
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Like they say hind sight is 20/20 vision, I speak my truth from experience, as well as observation of others who acted so irrationally due to poor advice, and lack of a religious foundation. I do believe that there are good reasons for divorce, but if we had followed the rules as in a perfect world, and listened to our elders perhaps things would not be in the mess that it is. Our world suffered an epidemic of divorce in the 80's I would like to think that some where along the time line lessons have been learned to save the family, and understand the importance of it in the relm of our society and the future.

November 11, 2000
5:06 pm
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MikesMom
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jwt, If you are truly trying to follow "God's path" for you, you would not be committing adultery. No matter what happends in a relationship, ie:loss of passion, etc this will not resolve any issues, it will only add to it. It does not sound like your other woman is committed to you either, so what type of relationship would that be. Get on track, passion in relationships fade, they can leave and come back. Life is that way, it has its ups and downs and so does marriage. You need to confess, beg you wife and God for forgiveness (God will, your wife may not), recommit yourself to your family and do the right thing! Do what it takes and you will feel better about yourself and its the only way to make peace with everyone.

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