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2bstrong, you have helped me
January 20, 2007
4:59 pm
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camino
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I don't know how to contact you but hope that you will read this thread. I am going through an unwanted separation after 33 years of marriage and , while much better now than a couple of months ago I still hurt and struggle to understand. I wanted to thank you for your wisdom because I have read your words in the thread " new no-contact club" thread many times and they help me. YOu talk about not allowing the ex to control us or make us victims and many more things that have given me a better undestanding and some peace. Thanks.

January 20, 2007
6:38 pm
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2bstrong
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((((((Hi camino))))))

Thank you for your thoughts and words. I am hopefully sharing with you some of the wisdom that others have passed on to me from this site.

I am so sorry to hear of your separation. I know first hand how difficult it is to detach once you have bonded with someone, even if the relationship was a difficult one with lots of chaos and turmoil. It's ok to be sad and grieve, as a matter of fact, it's necessary for healing.

I'm glad that you are taking care of yourself. I can guarantee that you will have even more clarity in a couple of months, and you will find that doing what is best for you is much better (and easier) than holding on to something that wasn't growing.

It's been 22 months since the end of my ten and a half year relationship with my ex-ex. We were engaged for the last fifteen months of our relationship. I had no idea of "no contact" at that time. I fought to hold on...and the first two months from April to June were hideous! I felt like a crazy person. When I resolved to not contact him any more at the suggestion of those on this site, the healing started to take place quickly. I fell off the wagon a few times, but every time I contacted him--it was toxic.

I have since had a relationship which has taught me even more about relationships and emotional integrity and also, knowing when to say good bye because it isn't good for me anymore--in other words, not being a victim--either of someone else, or my own choices.

I am here to support you, Camino. I stand by you...

with love and gratitude--2b

January 21, 2007
9:06 am
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camino
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once again, thanks. You bring up very important feelings of emotional integrity, self protection, clarity and fighting to hold on to what it no longer is. Standing alone is not easy, it is also confusing to experience the abandonment of the one who has told you over and over that he loves you , still now. My own identify has been defined by him, I was his wife, his friend his companion and all I did was for him. Now, I am working to clarify who I am and why I do things, it should be for myself. I have to move my own center of gravity from him to me. I have to grow. I also have to change the feelings of loneliness for solitude. Thanks again, your words are wise and inspiring, they really help.

January 21, 2007
10:25 am
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2bstrong
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Camino--your words brought tears to my eyes! My own identity has ALWAYS been defined by my relationships--with men in particular. I like how you said you are moving your center of gravity. I am doing that too...my counselor told me the other day that I am confusing ambivalence with not being needy. I told her I feel ambivalent about dating, and she said that probably for the first time in my life, I am not "needing" to be attached to someone. I am defining my self.

In my most recent relationship I wanted and I wanted to be a friend, a lover, and a companion. I didn't think that was too much to be for someone, or too much to ask of someone seeking a relationship. I was determined to be different than I was in my relationship with ex-ex. I wanted it to be equal, mutual. When Dr. B asked me what my goals were and what I was looking for in a relationship, I told him I wanted a friend, lover, and companion. He told me those were big shoes to fill. Needless to say, I ignored the red flag, and threw myself into the relationship.

The loneliness and solitude will pass, Camino. You are making a major life change...everything that was familiar is gone, and that takes time to get used to and change. The holidays were much better for me this year, and I have created a new routine for myself...it just happens naturally, and you really do find that you think of them less often. You are growing this very moment, and you will emerge stronger, healthier, and wiser.

2b

January 21, 2007
3:34 pm
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camino
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you are right, what was familiar is gone and now I can venture into new favorite songs, new eating places new dishes and creating my own individual uncompromised new routines. I have to let go of what was that we created together so that I can move on a new beginning. I feel affraid, sad, resigned, lonely and also excitement facing the unknow, what is yet to come and what is entirely in my hands. ONce again, your words are inspiring to me, you have such clarity of thought that touches me and makes me think and it clarifies my feelings as well. Thanks,

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