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2BHAPPY'S RELATIONSHIP
July 22, 2009
4:28 pm
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atalose
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What kind of closure are you seeking? Is there something you feel you need to defend, your actions, your behavior, etc.? Is there something you feel you need to say?

What would hurt you in not having closure? What is the closure all about for you?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 22, 2009
4:35 pm
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CAMER
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good question Atalose....closure....mostly the "why, why, why" and what went wrong, this is just me speaking for myself, i'd want to know why?? why did he NOT call me?? and i'd feel guilt...yep, as you can see i still have Coda in me.

I like how you said "defend your actions and behaviors"....so true, i think just being at peace for what you did, knowing you did nothing wrong, can make anyone feel better.

My biggest thing would be, why didn't he call me?? was he not thinking of me?? could he just out and out dump me like that??

again, me just speaking, from past relationships and dealing with the "no phone call".

(((((2b & Atalose))))

July 22, 2009
6:35 pm
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No..I dont feel like calling him and I wont..because I sincerely dont think I did anything wrong..but in his mind..I didnt text back when he ask about the dinner party and what time they were eating...and also that I didnt leave after an hour as I promised....he is very upset I guess over those issues. Probably feels I should call and apologize for not doing that...he lives in a world of rules. If my friends call me on my cell phone after 9pm he thinks that is rude of them to call so late...so many things to think about when I am with him.

Anyway..so what do controllers do when they dont get someone to call them back and ignore them since that is just what I am doing.

 

 

2bHappy

July 22, 2009
10:58 pm
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atalose
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CAMER……same with me in the past I always needed to know the why’s and I believe today the reason for that was so I could fix, mend or repair what ever might be wrong. Apologizing for things even when they were not my fault. This was especially true with romantic relationships.

With other type of relationships I always needed to get the last word in, defend my position or opinions and never with the same kind of fear I had with romantic type relationships.

2B………..my situation with my ex was different because we lived together so not hearing from him still involved me having to see him. But I was involved with another unhealthy person who would pull away not call, not return calls or emails and sometimes that would last months always ending with me contacting him. Looking back now I realize that the first time he did that and ignored me and my calls if I hadn’t reached out months later I wouldn’t have wasted 3 years of my life.

I know you want to prepare yourself but it’s hard to tell how anyone reacts or thinks. If this were me I would be screening all my phone calls and if I noticed it was his number calling I’d let it go into voice mail and see if he leaves a message or not.

I get the impression that this guy has become accustomed to being rewarded for his bad behavior by woman chasing after him when he pulls away.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 23, 2009
12:02 am
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2BHAPPY
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Thanks Atalose...

Funny thing just happened this evening...My phone rang at the usual time he calls and it was from a "Private Caller" they called 2x but didnt leave a message. No one calls me at 8:30pm and not to my landline..no one really calls me there.

Today was our usual midweek date night..so I am pretty sure it was him. I didnt want to talk to him because I really dont know what to tell him.

What do I do now? Tell him not to call me again? I am not ready to do that either..but I dont want to be controlled.

 

 

2bHappy

July 23, 2009
1:03 am
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Hi 2B: I wouldn't do anything only because you don't know for sure it was him.

Its easy in these situations to let our minds conjure up all kinds of scenarios. Maybe it WASN'T him at all, just maybe.

If this was your regular date night and he still hasn't called I think its darned safe to say something IS up with him though. I'd try to hang tough, but thats just me, stubborn as a mule sometimes.

And supposing it was him, then why did he call twice and not leave a message? Another reason why I wouldn't do anything. If he were manning up, he could at least leave a message.

sd

July 23, 2009
1:09 am
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No one calls me on my home phone...always on my cell...Either they dont have it and the couple of people that do have it I can see their numbers AND they would leave a message.

He calls me at 8:30pm before he goes to bed..Its his routine. The call was at 8:30pm tonight.

 

 

2bHappy

July 23, 2009
9:28 am
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Hi 2BHAPPY

We don't chat much but I felt it necessary to comment on a few things.
One was the co-dependent comment.

I think we need to be very carefull putting that label on common behaviours. Common courtesy so to speak. To me a normal healthy relationship allows both their individuality and includes team work. Reciprocity for other people is common courtesy.

You have been generous and kind to this man, compromised yourself a few times and he SHOULD return the gestures in some way. If you feel deep down he is withholding this you are probably right and should feel slighted by his behaviour. THAT is HEALTHY!

I follow the rule "When someone does something good for you return the kindnes by doing something kind for others..."

If you are friends, have some sort of connection or relationship the favour should be returned directly no?

Allowing an intimate friend to take advantage of us, continually, is not healthy.

This is based on the Wiccan code of conduct ( call me weird but I prefer this to the 10 "commandments")

Your BF sounds controlling, SELFISH ( this is revealed by his conduct with others) has an unhealthy relationship with his daughter ( so many things there, but mainly in regards to you, he doesn't offer ANY generosity your way unless it serves him)...he is cruel by giving you silence and not understanding your predicament with work and your properties.His Silent treatment is particualrily spiteful and childish.

He is punsihing you for what? You aren't married ( thank goodness) and he sounds like a total BORE!

Don't fret about this man. The sooner you extract yourself from this relationship the better for you!

Go out be social, take care of yourself and find a man who will CARE about YOU, love you as you are, and support you.

NOBODY needs this kind of treatment in these times. Especially a woman who has made her own way in a tough world!

I can't believe this man is wealthy and has done nothing for you. Don't confuse his small acts of "kindness" with someone who really has the tools to love.

Maybe it's time to live it up with your friends and associates. Concentrate on Networking and keeping your head above water. ( YEA! the money you lost by closing the Biz, to tend to poor sick BF, will get worse if you stick with him, you may lose a lot!)

Cut off the energy you waste on him and put it towards being happy just the way you are.

(another long winded post, but I do that)

Be Well!

July 23, 2009
9:50 am
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(((2b)))) another day, wishing you the best.

You give me such support with all that you are doing, you are sooo strong. I admire that.....sometimes i feel so weak, i feel like i would have made that call, but this gives me strength reading this post, cuz its true and what others said...you deserve only the best, and what he is doing is wrong, punishing you, per say.

((((camer)))

July 23, 2009
10:21 am
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atalose
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2B,

MsGuided makes some really good points, feeling slighted by his behavior is a healthy feeling because his behavior warrents you to feel that way.

He is controlling and selfish and does have a very un-healthy relationship with his daughter. His silence is cruel and immature and it really doesn’t matter if he was the one who called you last night because he couldn’t be bothered leaving a message so it can’t be too important to him could it.

MsGuided nailed it when she said don’t confuse his small acts of “kindness” with someone who really has the tools to love.

CAMER……

Why do you think you would have made that call and what would you have expected the outcome to be?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 23, 2009
11:20 am
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hi ((atalose)) i am chiming in on this thread, cuz as we all know these threads are to learn more about "ourselves" more so than giving out advice.

I know i would have made that call, i know it, i guess with the feelings of being "alone" and the feelings of "guilt" as if *i* did something wrong. I know i'd want to know....why didn't you call me?? i would have felt less than....I think with this, i need to boost my self esteem, feel better about myself. I know for a fact that i have been bashing myself alot lately and thinking of my past, why did I move here?? away from my friends and family?? sometimes i do feel alone, and now I regret alot of things, I want to go back home "now"...but i know that cannot happen, i have to wait, for how long who knows?? I feel as if I "disappointed" myself, i should have known better, to give up what I had back in MA (this is hindsight now)...i should have thought longer and harder. I guess living here in NH, i do feel alone, i try to get thru each day the best as I can, but am i truely happy, not really. I miss alot of things, I miss myself, i wish i was stronger back in the day and just said "no, i am not moving, i am staying here"....but for some reason, i decided to take the leap, and this is the price i have to pay.

I don't want to steal 2b's thread, but i learn more about me, I guess, with all that 2b is going thru, and all that she has done & given, makes me think more. I commend her for standing up for herself, and sticking by herself, and loving herself, enough to know that she did nothing wrong, and the issue seems to be more with HoneyD.

If i ever get into a situation like this, i can go back and read, and know that I too need to value myself more, and stop running to the phone, making that call, making things happen and controlling the situation by making that call..instead I should just "be" and know that I will be ok, alone or not, i will be ok.

I guess i just needed to vent (((thanks Atalose & 2b for letting me do that))))

July 23, 2009
3:27 pm
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2BHAPPY
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Thank you MsGuided...you couldnt have said it any better. When I do have that talk with him I will read back what you said because you have verbalized my feelings about this.

Camer..I am glad that I have helped you in some ways. You have been so supportive and have help and others in so many ways. Even though I dont know you..I always look forward to hearing what you have to say.

Of course there is Atalose..you always open my mind to see things realistically.

So now..eventually I will have to talk to him....what do I say to him then? If I tell him the truth about how selfish and controlling he is..he is not going to accept it and argue about it...Of course to him I am always late, cant focus, and who knows what else he thinks of me because he is so perfect and everyone else has defects. He is not looking at me as a kind, considerate, generous and loving woman, the kind you hold on to and take care of...In fact he does see me as all those things because he has told me..but cant really appreciate it.

 

 

2bHappy

July 23, 2009
3:57 pm
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One thing I learned from this site is to use "I" statements.

Saying I feel this way, Tell him you're sorry he feels that way (if he says something negative about you), etc. Trying to point out that he is selfish and controlling isn't going to go over well, and the blow will be softer and maybe dialog will be easier if you say I feel this that and the other thing.

You won't be able to convince him that he doesn't appreciate you, he either does on his own or he doesn't, for whatever reasons.

He seems very rigid and thats something that won't change no matter how he feels about you.

sd

July 23, 2009
4:20 pm
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atalose
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Why do you feel the need to tell him he is selfish and controlling? Why do you feel the need to say anything more then “it’s just not working for me, sorry”.

I can see you have resentment about him calling you out on being late and unable to focus, do you think your desire to talk to him and tell the “truth” he’s selfish and controlling is your way of defending yourself from his remarks?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 23, 2009
4:29 pm
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CAMER
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I like what SD said....maybe put the focus on YOU 2b, and tell him how You feel about everything that has happened...such as being at the party later than predicted, so what there is no reason to not talk for days (on his part) cuz of it. Let him know your wants and needs and how things are clashing with the relationship. They are just differences.....except for his controlling part, that is not good, huh, i too become controlling which is bad, cuz i want things to happen and i force them, and that is something i need to let go of and just let things be.

And as (((Atalose))) said, good questions!!

July 23, 2009
6:14 pm
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2BHAPPY
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Since I lost the opportunity to speak to him last night...just wondering if he will call again so that we could end our relationship. I also dont want to give him the silent treatment to punish him..I also dont want to call.

I think that once one has made a decision to end a relationship..one should be the one to make the call and have that "talk"..but in this case...just feel a bit awkward..

I also think that he will do whatever and promise anything to stay in the relationship and I dont want to be sucked in there again. I know he has a good heart and does want a relationship..but on his terms and that cant be. Although lately he had been trying to make some changes cause we had that talk a few weeks ago..He was really making an effort..but goes into automatic default.

 

 

2bHappy

July 23, 2009
6:25 pm
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my guess, is if the phone rings around 8:30 it'll probably be him.

If you answer it, i think that is ok, you can get things out. If you don't, you have to ask yourself if you will be fine with things ending with no closure, if that even happens.

Wow, this is just alot to take in, seeing that last week things seemed so good with you and Honey d.

Know we are here for you and hope that someone something good does come out of this.

July 23, 2009
7:01 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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Forgive me in advance but I thin Honey D sounds selfish and controlling. One of R's reasons for finding someone else was that she was able to support herself and she made good money etc etc etc. Bullshit. Everyone goes through a few rough patches. I was on the brink of bankruptcy when he really trew me over. I managed not to file bankruptcy. I am living in a nicer house than I ever did while he was part of my life and I found and negotiated this deal all by myself.Honey D has been a jerk for a while now and I think you need to take off the rose colored glasses and she that you were more attracted to what he could be than you were to what he is. As far as closure and putting it to a graceful end. You may naver get it and "closure" is probably overated. You deserve 2BHappy ;). ((((Hugs))))

Bitsy

July 23, 2009
7:04 pm
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Forgive me in advance but I thin Honey D sounds selfish and controlling. One of R's reasons for finding someone else was that she was able to support herself and she made good money etc etc etc. Bullshit. Everyone goes through a few rough patches. I was on the brink of bankruptcy when he really trew me over. I managed not to file bankruptcy. I am living in a nicer house than I ever did while he was part of my life and I found and negotiated this deal all by myself.Honey D has been a jerk for a while now and I think you need to take off the rose colored glasses and she that you were more attracted to what he could be than you were to what he is. As far as closure and putting it to a graceful end. You may naver get it and "closure" is probably overated. You deserve 2BHappy ;). ((((Hugs))))

Bitsy

July 23, 2009
7:34 pm
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Forgive me in advance but I thin Honey D sounds selfish and controlling. One of R's reasons for finding someone else was that she was able to support herself and she made good money etc etc etc. Bullshit. Everyone goes through a few rough patches. I was on the brink of bankruptcy when he really trew me over. I managed not to file bankruptcy. I am living in a nicer house than I ever did while he was part of my life and I found and negotiated this deal all by myself.Honey D has been a jerk for a while now and I think you need to take off the rose colored glasses and she that you were more attracted to what he could be than you were to what he is. As far as closure and putting it to a graceful end. You may naver get it and "closure" is probably overated. You deserve 2BHappy ;). ((((Hugs))))

Bitsy

July 23, 2009
10:31 pm
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atalose
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2B,

Begin with the end in mind; he will go into automatic default. If you keep that in mind when you do talk with him you won’t be sucked back in.

I’d also say that if you don’t get that 8:30 phone call tonight then by all means if you want the talk to get closer then call him to end this madness you are putting yourself through.

((2B))

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 24, 2009
9:58 am
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seeing how you are doing today (((2b))).

July 24, 2009
10:36 am
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Doing ok here..I didnt get a call yet.but Thursday nights he knows I go hiking.

Today and tomorrow will be hard to get a hold of me unless he calls my cell. Now he should be walking on eggshells with me. Dont think he meant to make the silent treatment so long.

I'll be busy with family tonight and tomorrow..we are celebrating birthdays...so glad I dont have to take him..He would have be ok because he likes to be around family..just doesnt like to be in crowds...still I dont want to have to explain to my family when they dont see him anymore...they havent met him yet...he has only met my children.

 

 

2bHappy

July 24, 2009
10:54 am
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By the way..I think I got the renter..He took the lease home to read cause there are a lot of clauses in there about the property..dont want to have the same experience as before.

Hopefully if he ok's it..we have a deal and he already has the cashier's check and he has already called the utility companies.

So one less problem.

 

 

2bHappy

July 24, 2009
2:10 pm
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Wow 2B, he still hasn't called, all because of the 2 silly things that happened? I'd be chomping at the bit too. HA I'm like the rest of the posters here too. This would be driving me crazy. I would need to know the WHY. At this point I'd be angry because of the "punishing" he's doling out. "What? How dare you not call me so that I can be angry at you!" (That's just me)

Good for you for hanging in there! Congrats on the renter too!

I didn't like the questions from the family either. Made me feel like such a loser. Another guy I picked who was WRONG. Not saying that is how you feel, but that's how I felt. One Christmas my cousin's BIL asked her if the guy I was with was the same guy from last Christmas. She had to laugh and say, ahh, no, it's a different guy. It made me laugh too, but it gave me reason to pause.

I'm hoping that this Christmas or Thanksgiving I'll still be with my bf if for no other reason then to let my cousin's BIL know it's the same guy as last year! Nah, just kidding, I'd never stay with someone because of that, but you know what I mean?

It's exhausting isn't 2B? But I think the longer this goes on the easier it will become. Because of my abandonment issues, closure is important for me too. Have you thought of how you might do this for yourself if he doesn't call?

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