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2BHAPPY'S RELATIONSHIP
July 14, 2009
4:52 pm
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2BHAPPY
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Hi Atalose,

Just thought I change the thread as I am not really ending the relationship at least not right now.

He has really made some improvements. This past weekend he took me up to the coast to his favorite place and we stayed there for the weekend. It was a surprise gesture on his part which really touched me. I am going through some stress due to a rental that I have (house was destroyed) and he wanted me to change the scenery and forget the situation for a few days. He even suggested we go back again this coming weekend.

I no longer have to worry about paying for meals..he takes the bill immediately and pays it. He now invites me to the movies..but I havent really felt like going to the movies. He is really making an effort to make me happy..always attentive to my needs.

He is now having problems with his own neck..so I think he might be changing his mattress very soon...and he is making plans to buy that beach house for us to go on the weekends.

He never mentions money or how much he is spending anymore and he drives all the time.

So things are going pretty well.

 

 

2bHappy

July 15, 2009
11:07 am
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StronginHim77
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He is afraid of losing you, so he may be pulling out "all the stops" to keep you around and pacified.

Be prepared. If this is not genuine and heartfelt, he will probably begin to "crack" within a couple of months. No one can wear a mask (or maintain acting out of character) for more than 3 months.

So, only time will tell if this is simply manoeuvering on his part, to keep you around.

- Ma Strong

July 15, 2009
11:23 am
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sad sack
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Hi 2BHAPPY,

You know I have been following your new relationship from the beginning.

It just seems to me that you are happy and satisfied when he spends money on you and discontent when he doesn't.

Is that what a relationship is all about?

I know you have mentioned other positive things but (from what I have read here), it appears that his money spending (or lack of it) is the focal point of what you like (or don't like).

Just my opinion.

sad

July 15, 2009
2:26 pm
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Ma Strong...I know it takes awhile to get to know someone and only time will tell...thanks for your comments.

Sad Sack....I only complain about the money issue because I dont want to get involved with someone that is not generous and willing to provide for me. I think the way someone handles money is part of someone's character. I dont want to be with someone who will not consider me a priority in his life. I also dont want to count every penny I spend or have him count every penny he can save to put away in his savings for his living trust....so please do not make any judgments here...I have always stated that I wouldnt mind if someone didnt have any money..but at least he share whatever little he has with me....I do a lot for people, I volunteer, I help people out when they dont have..I help the sick when they need me..and give my time to the elderly...I used to give a lot of money to the church when I was a regular..If I am a very giving person..how would a relationship with someone who doesnt want to share or spend any money be?

So please do not judge when you dont know me personally and are only hearing concerns about someone and how that would conflict with my personality.

2 years ago I was going to marry someone who was very giving, gave me his time as far as helping me around the house, cooked for me..didnt have a lot of money to spend..but he had a great heart and did a lot of volunteer work...the problem we had was that we came from 2 very different religions and he was sort of wanting to convert me to his and it was an everyday conversation and conflict. It really broke my heart to break up with him because he was very good to me. He also had a grown son who didnt need constant care and attention.

My present boyfriend has a lot of money and he would rather not do anything and die at home doing nothing rather than spend some money doing fun things...His main concern was saving as much as he could for his daughter once he died. Now he is acting different and I am hoping that it continues and he realizes there is more to life than just waiting around to die.

 

 

2bHappy

July 15, 2009
2:36 pm
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sad sack
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I clearly expressed that what I had written was my opinion (and my opinion only), based on what you have shared. We are still allowed to express opinions here, aren't we?

An opinion is not a judgement. And yes, you are right, I do not know you personally. But I have read just about everything you have written. Sorry, if you were offended by what I have observed.

sad

July 15, 2009
3:12 pm
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just musing on the $$ thing....

my father grew up very poor. his subsequent view of money, once he started making it, was to hold onto every bit of it and he began to horde it, even hide it. to my mother, it was a personal affront. she grew up upper middle class...so she didn't even try to understand where he possibly could be coming from. she just thought he was stingy...and depriving her from going shopping because he didn't want her to "have things".

i guess my point is that we all have different baggage...but certian baggage isn't as easily understandable/acceptable. drug addiction and alcoholism have come to the forefront of our social consciousness...even to the point of these diseases becoming accepted.

i have become much less judgmental as i have gotten older. i try to look into the "whys" and "hows" and "where did that come froms" in people. because it all comes from somewhere.....one's childhood upbringing.

a different way of looking at it....maybe, just maybe, he WANTS to spend and be generous..but there are demons from childhood getting in the way.

lovin

July 15, 2009
3:26 pm
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2Be,

I agree that peoples' viewpoint on money is important. I remember reading that money is one of the biggest things people fight about in relationships.

It sounds like you pinpointed some of his baggage about money. Perhaps that will open up discussions about his fears.

July 15, 2009
3:30 pm
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i think time will really tell.

Seems like Honey may be more "not spend thrifty" as you may like, and he may be giving now, which is great, but if he is truely going to change, it'll have to come from within himself. I think the relationship is still a bit new, and time will tell. Just keep open with him on your thoughts and feelings and see how he re acts and changes "on his own", if he does.

Either way, wishing you luck 2b!!

July 21, 2009
2:57 pm
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Ok Atalose...

here I am and here was your question.

this man has not called you since a party on Saturday night that you stayed at 45 minutes longer then anticipated? Did he attend this party with you? Prior to going did he have some time restraints as to how long you would stay?

I wanted him to go with me and meet some of my friends...I did agree to be there only for one hour..but since were the first ones there..people werent getting there until an hour later. I must state that in the afternoon he texted me and wanted to know if they were in fact going to serve dinner at that time stated...since I was at work, I didnt respond to his question and then I forget to text him back..but then I figure I was going to see him in a couple of hours. I really dont like texting..just takes too long to type in this little tiny phone.

So here I am at this party..having a great time since I have been so stressed out over the rental house with people fixing it, prospective renters, etc. plus my own business being very slow due to the economy...Heck some days I've felt as if it was the end of my business and then I would have to worry about expenses...anyway its been really really bad for me this month. I am sitting in this beautiful backyard will all these nice people, food..nice music in the background and seeing old friends and kept trying to see how bad he wanted to leave..but when I asked him he looked ok..just made a comment that I had the car keys anyways.

We finally get out and in the car he is telling that I am probably going back to the party and then silent treatment...His car was parked at my house so I came home and he left..I did call him 30 min. let him know that I was home and not going anywhere. Well, I havent heard from him again.

I guess partly is my fault because I did stay longer...one day last week I was 20 min. late to our dinner due to traffic...but with all that is going on in my life....I really dont need someone to put so many restrictions on me..I am on survivor mode right now with the economy and having to pay an extra mortgage on the rental plus fixing it up. Here I am with a wealthy stingy man who is just adding pressure on me. Yes, sometimes its good to do nothing and be bored...but not all the time. I really just think he is controlling and set in his ways.

Anyway, I do want him to call because I want to have my say in all this. I am not going to call because he is either punishing me for being bad or he just doesnt feel that he owes me closure after 6 months of dating.

 

 

2bHappy

July 21, 2009
3:05 pm
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the reason why on the other post i stated he is not committment ready, is just that.....if he was committed to you and wanted a long term relationship, why is he acting this way??? yes, he may be committed to YOU and you only...but not for all the ups and downs of a regular relationship....maybe he is still seeking that "someone who is not real" someone to come to his every need and want and not be real...this is all the learning part of relationships, wants and needs...and when things get tough, he seems to now bail out by not calling.

He basically seems just that, doesn't like to be social and gatherings, and thats ok, for himself, but for you both to enjoy this scene could be difficult, unless you want to attend parties alone...and for the money aspect, yeah he may be more thrifty, and yes thats his choice. And the other issue with his daughter, spoiling her.

I think that these 3 things could stop the relationship from going further...and maybe HE is just not ready to give & take with his ways.

July 21, 2009
3:30 pm
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I see what you mean Camer..the ups and downs...You are right on about the ups and downs and how we must try to work around them. What I dont like is that he seems to want to make this all fault and my issues.

I am getting more clarity here now. I guess we both must try to come halfway at least..but with him its like he tries to make me look like a child...an irresponsible child. I am late (even though the other times were like 10 min.) and not that frequent. I tried to meet him halfway because he eats early so I close my business at 5:00pm, get to the bank and then meet him at the restaurant by 6:00pm (he lives about 30 min from me with no traffic) I should have set it for 7:00..but NO, but he is an early bird and so since I am nice and accomodating..I will drive during rush hour and be there to meet him for dinner. Its not like I am home all day playing with my nails and taking naps...I am working and trying to make some money to survive and now trying to get a renter.

Anyway..I am going to end it..this silence is really pissing me off as I dont deserve this. Last month when he went in for surgery I was with him the whole way. I closed my business for 2 days ( I lost money but I didnt see it as losing money like he would)...took him to the hospital, waited for him to wake up..next day picked him and stayed with him through the nights for a week to help him get up in the mornings and make sure all his needs were met..and now this is what I get.

 

 

2bHappy

July 21, 2009
6:57 pm
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atalose
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I’m guessing when you say you are going to end it, you mean the silence. I think that’s good to reach out and see where he’s at and what may be going through his thoughts. But more importantly for yourself and be the bigger person. If he’s not receptive that’s his problem.

I want to say something and I truly don’t want you to get mad at me, I say this because I do care and I want you to be happy.

You have done a lot for this man, you chose to take days off from work to be with him during his surgery. You chose to say with him for weeks caring for him and his needs. I think you went above and beyond, I also think a lot of codie traits were in play as well. The typical caretaker codie and today you seem surprised that he is treating you the way he is based on how much you did for him. You even said “and now this is what I get”.

When we codies think and say things like that we are in full codie mode. We make choices based on a feeling of obligation or guilt or that we will receive approval for our do going and caretaking. If we give love we will receive it, if we take care of we will be taken care of, if we give and give and give we’ll get. And usually all we end up with is, hurt, frustration, rejection and a kick in the ass. We enmesh ourselves too quickly into other people lives wanting to care and love and do for. And in my opinion that is what happened here.

When you look back now what are some of the things you wish you could change. If there was a reverse in life how far back would you go with this relationship and what would some of those changes be?

I do know there is no reverse in life, no etch a sketch to shake and undo things but for me when I examine a relationship as if I could, and talk those changes out I tend NOT to make those same mistakes again. I have changed my thinking which then changed a lot of my behavior and many of my relationships have gotten better. And certainly any new ones I have begun are nothing like those I learned from.

((2B))

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 21, 2009
8:06 pm
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Thanks Atalose.. I dont regret helping him and before he had his surgery he had done a lot of things for me. Taking me to the dentist..being there when my dog got sick.. I still would help him out if he needed me..not to the extend of closing my business..but I would..thats just the way I am.

I just think that this his how his relationships are.. He is a very difficult man to deal with..He has his rules and standards which may be hard to meet sometimes..especially someone as independent and outgoing as I am. At the party, I was very friendly and was very sociable with a lot of people and since he is not like that..he also seems very jealous when men approach me and talk to me. I think that at the party a few men that I knew approached me and were friendly..one introduced himself at the table and asked if we were a couple after we got into a conversation.

I just think this is what dating is all about..getting to know people and then once you find out..moving on. Remember when I invited him for New Year's Eve? he wanted to stay home and was very content with that.... that should have been a clue...he is not sociable at all. Doesnt want to travel..doesnt like concerts or theater...The last time we had a long conversation he agreed to be more compromising as he didnt want to lose me..and invited to the movies and we even went away for the weekend...but then when I want to do things with friends..then there is a problem....if I am late because of traffic..its a major flaw on my part according to him..that I should leave the house or work 1 hour before..well I have a business and dont want to lose out on business by closing early just because he wants to eat early.

I will give him a few days and then call him to get my closure.

What makes people so controlling?

 

 

2bHappy

July 21, 2009
8:20 pm
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atalose
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2B,

I certainly didn’t mean you shouldn’t have done things for him I was thinking along the line of like you said, not closing your business, things like that. Those little things do make a big difference to us, not giving up so much of ourselves for them or the relationship. Rushing to meet him at 6:00 because he likes to eat early, a compromise could be 6:30 or he can eat alone. Things like that.

I don’t know exactly what makes people so controlling but being rigid is apart of being in control, not able to compromise and needing everything to go exactly how they have planned it. My ex husband was very controlling, he was only sociable when he had to be – work related usually and was very inflexible. Life always had to go his way other wise there was hell to pay – much like the silent treatment you are receiving today form your guy.

Life is just too short and precious, we need to enjoy life not endure it.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 21, 2009
9:20 pm
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hi 2b, glad you are holding off on calling him. Remember, he is not calling you too for a reason, maybe he wants you to chase him. I don't know. I think though, you did nothing wrong, you are just you and had fun at the party. And as ((Atalose)) said and you too, compromise is key, yeah, I don't think you should eat at "his" time...if you go out to eat say 4x a week do it 1/2 on your time and 1/2 on his, that way it is fair, and too, as long as he doesn't pout about it.

Heck, my bf likes to eat late, at 8pm, i like to eat at 7pm...since we live together, alot of times, i don't want to eat late...so i eat my dinner at 7, and he is fine with that, as i am fine that he eats at 8pm...alot of times too, we eat on an agreed time, say 7:30.

You are a wonderful person 2b, and i wish Honey D oculd see that...i just think he is different and set in his ways.

Can i ask?? has he ever had a long term relationship in the past and for how long??? and what happened (besides his ex/divorce).

wishing you a peaceful nite.

July 21, 2009
10:19 pm
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Hi 2B,
I've been reading, and one thing that struck me was that Honey D sounds EXACTLY how my xh was. And YOU sound EXACTLY how I was.

I can get along in any social situation. I know how to mingle and "strangers" don't bother me. I'm very easy going. My X on the other hand was not. He was anti-social, didn't know how to start a conversation. If it didn't have to do with work or baseball, he wasn't interested. But he never started a conversation. Most of the time if we went to any parties, he'd literally sit in a corner by himself. Then at the end of the party on the way home, we'd get into a fight because I didn't pay enough attention to him. I got to the point where I didn't take him to any functions because I didn't want to have to babysit him. Then of course he didn't want me to go without him. And if I did go without him, I had to call and "check in". UGH.

Then of course there was the "I"m too sick to go_______. (Fill in the blank) Usually New Years Eve, Christmas, you name it. It got to the point where he started to isolate me from my family.

He is controlling. Just like my x was/is. And I think you're only seeing the tip of the ice berg with him. If you're a social person like I am, you will be miserable with this guy. Sorry to be so blunt, but on top of all the other stuff he does (his schedule, and the fact that he doesn't seem to have any kind of tolerance of any kind), you two just don't seem compatible.

My bf may have a lot of issues,(HA an understatement), BUT at least we're compatible in the social area. And after dealing with an anti-social for 12 years?.....Well, it's probably one of the reasons why I'm still with him.

Sorry to be so long winded here, but I feel for you.

I'm curious too about past relationships.

July 21, 2009
10:33 pm
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Atalose and Camer..you guys are great.

So Atalose how did you handle the silent treatment with your ex? How long would the punishment be for and what would he say?

As far as meeting early..time is really ok..cause I could get there on time and generally did. Its thatt when I leave at 5:00pm sometimes I stop for something or there is traffic...but I was never later than 10 min. except for this last Friday when I was 15 or 20 minutes late..no more.. I dont think that it was so much that..but the not texting him back when he asked about dinner time at the party...I ignored him as I was busy or maybe not introducing him as my boyfriend at the party or the being too social..I dont know what ticked him off..It would be nice to know what it was.

Camer...he has had many relationships since his divorce. Some have cheated on him..some had alcohol problems and he has had to put restraining orders on one. The last one ended in 2007 and it was on and off for 5 years..I never got the full story but he would tell me that it was because she had intimacy problems..they would get really close and then she would withdraw and do things with her family or friends...I never fully understood..but now I do. Some women he dated and they owed too much on credit cards so he dismissed them as not able to control their spending, others had filed Bankruptcy, others had so so jobs and earnings...so in his eyes I was perfect financially.

I know that he is very rigid..He has a routine and doesnt change it very much. I cant wait to get over this and move on with my life.

Thanks ladies.

 

 

2bHappy

July 21, 2009
10:41 pm
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Thanks Hepburn. Not longwinded at all..I need to hear about other's experiences.

He can be social in his own environment.. Sometimes we would be at restaurants and he would see a friend or someone he worked with..he would go and chat. Before we started dating he would talk about superbowl parties, someones retirement's party he went to...but usually his own people. With my family he was very nice, if I had BBQ's at my house, he was very funny and would converse..but I also noticed that he would be asking me about someone at the party and critize them. For one thing..I do find him extremely critical..to the point where I sometimes ask him to stop. He likes to make fun of people's accent or the way they talk..even me sometimes.

 

 

2bHappy

July 22, 2009
9:23 am
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seeing how you are feeling today ((2b)) i know Honey D now is just in "mood" for not calling. Keep holding up on your end & know you are worth it and YOU didn't do anything wrong, you were yourself and had fun at the party.

July 22, 2009
9:29 am
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atalose
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I would handle the silent treatment like any good codie would. I kept trying to please, I’d make his favorite meal, go above and beyond with making everything just right for him including keeping the kids quiet when he got home. I would be the one to always apologize even when it was not my fault. I’d do just about anything to swing his mood seek his approval and go back to “normal”.

It was anything but normal because all I was doing was walking on egg shells and be treated like crap, that was what had become “normal”.

Once I started on my recovery journey that silent treatment was something I rather looked forward to and it no longer bothered me, which of course bothered him.

After reading your guys dating history it would appear that he has no responsibility for his previous dating endings only blame. It’s always their fault!!! (big red flag) On and off relationship for 5 years (big red flag) I would venture to say that he fits that mold of having intimacy issues himself. Sounds like he has managed to pick woman with issues that bring about intimacy problems, alcohol and financial stress.

Even thought you don’t fit the model of previous partners with overwhelming financial troubles, you do fit issues similar to alcohol related issues because of codependency. What better partner for someone with his own intimacy issues then pick someone with codependency issues. He pushes you away and as a codependent you react by wanting to come closer which then calms his fear of abandonment while he remains in control of his emotions with the typical push/pull relationship.

He probably doesn’t even realize what he is doing or why he picks woman with issues that play right along with his fear of intimacy.

You are a RECOVERING codie so “not” fitting his norm by chasing after him trying to gain his approval and appease him, I’m sure he doesn’t know how to handle that.

If this were me I would not call him I’d just begin to get on with my life because with or without him life still goes on.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 22, 2009
11:03 am
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Hi Camer & Atalose.

I didnt sleep very well last night..just sad that this is ending and realize that I have accomplished what dating is about..I have gotten to know him and now its time to move on and continue searching.

I dont have the slightest urge to call him at all because the one thing that has stood out in my mind about him is that I have been walking on eggshells..just like Atalose described. I think eventually my self-esteem would have suffered too even though I am a very confident person. I was always careful not to interrupt because that was an issue (but I made it a point to let him know when he did). Just seemed like I had to cross all all my t's and dot my i. Always had to make sure I dried the bathroom sink after I used it..careful how I worded things.. Sometimes he would go into longwinded stories about the past that I would tune him out sometimes..that really bothered him and would tell me I had a focus problem.

So, no I dont feel like talking to him at all. I have a lot of things to take care of and these were things that he was not helpful in at all. I somehow feel a relieve that he is acting this way because I dont have to make the decision. He just had prostate surgery which has left him impotent and I dont know if he will ever get it back and I never wanted him to think that I left him because of that..because it wasnt at all. When he had the surgery the doctor asked him what was more important to him the getting rid of the cancer or his manhood..and he said he wanted the cancer out..well I think that just gave the doctor the ok to go in there and not be so concerned with the nerves around it..I am sure the doctor would have taken the cancer and been extremely careful around it. This is another issue that bothers me..he never took me in consideration when he was going through the surgery preparation and then the living trust and how all of the sudden he wanted to save everything so that he could leave it to his daughter..he really didnt have to go through those details with me..it was none of my business.

With the economy the way it is right now..I have a lot of fears about my financial situation and it may be tough for me. I would rather go through this alone rather than have someone on the sideline watch me go down and not give me a helping hand.I dont have to explain anything or be judged as most of his other girlfriends were.

Anyway..this was long but I need to journal and get it all out. I am going to go through a process and not so much that I will miss him..but that I will miss having someone for companionship and to do things with. I cant say I will miss sex..because I wasnt having it. Cant say I will miss all the exciting things we did..because we didnt do that much...but it was nice to have someone.

 

 

2bHappy

July 22, 2009
1:27 pm
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((2b & Atalose)) i agree Atalose 100% what you said..i too was that girl that would call "him" and make things better, when it wasn't my fault, and the guys knew it, they treated me like crap and I ran back to them. Thru the years, i have become stronger, not into the games, if a man choose not to call, that's his issue, life will go on. I guess with Codies, the guilt comes into play, "what did I do wrong"??....NOT!

2b...take things slow, this is all happening for a reason, and in the end i hope something good comes of it.

Look at Zebra, she's known her friend for 13 plus years, started dating, and found out he was not the guy for her.

Sometimes we wish and hope a relationship works, but if we don't get the things we want in a relationship, there is no reason to settle, we are better than that.

(((((sending huge hugs your way 2b))))

July 22, 2009
2:05 pm
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Amen Cami.

DO NOT SETTLE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. I do want a relationship but I want the healthy one. I have settled for unhealthy way to many times and that is because I was unhealthy and a full blown CODI. I still am a CODI but know it now and will continue to grown and know my habits.

Love, Z

July 22, 2009
4:10 pm
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But it would hurt to no have that closure..even if he wants to end it for his own reasons..its ok with me. I deserve better treatment.

What do you think its going through his mind right now since I am not calling him? Does he really expect me to go running to him and apologize?

 

 

2bHappy

July 22, 2009
4:17 pm
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September 30, 2010
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yep, i know alot of my past relationships...they knew i'd call and i always did...yep, i was weak and felt like *i did something wrong*.

Think of it this way, HE is not calling you for his own reasons, maybe he can't handle the party atmosphere,maybe he is waiting for you to call, who knows what is going on in his mind.

I know how you feel, i truely do, i know for a fact i'd probably calling him by now wondering why he hasn't called me!! then of course, i'd feel weak after calling :). Do what you have to for yourself 2b, there is no rights or wrongs...just know that you did nothing wrong. You can put your pride aside, and call him or you can just wait it out. Either way, i know how you feel, and its a sucky feeling, esp. knowing that your heart was invested in this guy and now he is playing the "ignore 2b" game.

(((camer))))

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