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2BHappy is Ending Relationship--very sad
July 5, 2009
1:10 am
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2BHAPPY
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Thanks..I've had a very long talk with him and told him how I was feeling. He was very understanding and said that he would be try and compromise to make me happy. I told him about the things I wanted to do and he said he would do them as he didnt want to lose me. He said he has always let me know that I intended to get married. He is willing to work towards the relationship. I told him I need more flexibility and he was too rigid for me and he said he would work on that.

I cant walk away without giving him a chance to prove himself worthy. Also he is just recovering from prostate surgery and I feel so bad for him because it is not a great time for him to breaking up. I know that he is a good man and has a good heart. He does try to make me happy. I guess I have these fears and anything triggers it...this week it was buying his daughter a car. Plus I have a lot of stress in my life right now.

 

 

2bHappy

July 5, 2009
10:40 am
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sad sack
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Hi 2B,

I have been following your story from the start. I was saddened to read about the recent developments. I must admit that I am getting bad vibes about the whole thing. You started the thread stating that you are ending your unfulfilling relationship. Others supported your decision but then it appeared for the rest of the thread, you rationalized and defended his behavior. I was confused by that.

I am getting the feeling that you are relying on this man to make you happy. That is simply not his responsibility.

I feel that you will only be happy if he behaves differently. It appears that you have not accepted him for who he is. And in my opinion, acceptance of our partner, is the foundation for a solid, healthy relationship.

In your most recent post, you stated that you had a discussion with him. Of course, communicating your concerns is always a good thing. But again, I am getting the feeling that you are asking him to change the person who he is. WHy be with someone who you want to change? Instead, wouldn't it be wiser to find a person who initially fits your criteria of a perfect (or close to) mate?

I know you are my age and I do realize that it is harder than ever to find quality men. I applaud the fact that you are working on the relationship. However, I wonder if working on the relationship for you means trying to mold him into something that he is not.

We all wish you the best here. Just think long and hard about what has been shared on this thread. You received so many valid and wise comments/suggestions. I hope you will consider them and proceed with caution.

((2BHappy))

sad

July 6, 2009
4:29 pm
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atalose
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2B,

Glad you had a talk with him and put things out on the table. Now its time to watch and wait for his actions on things.

Also it’s time for you to watch your triggers and resentments. He bought his daughter a car, it could be a house next so prepare yourself.

((2B))

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 7, 2009
11:25 am
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StronginHim77
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Facts you have shared with us about him:

He criticizes what you wear. This is called "controlling."

He accuses you of not paying attention to him or "interrupting" when you verbalize something you are thinking/feeling at a moment which HE deems inappropriate. However, he does the same thing. This is called a "double standard."

He emitted bright, red flags regarding his spending habits, back during your hiking days. This continued until (as you clarified) the past month or so ago. He is now picking up dinner checks for the woman whose body he enjoys. Nice of him. Simultaneously, he bought his daughter a car...for cash. This is a combo-pack of stinginess and using money to control others. (He is controlling/retaining his daughter's loyalty and contact with MONEY.) Textbook classic.

Last piece of advice I can share...

You sat down and shared your concerns with him. I hope you did not sugar-coat or "edit" those concerns. In any event he has promised to try and compromise. He probably will...for a few weeks. Eventually, the strain of not doing things his way will crack him.

This man is NOT socially-oriented. You love going out, being around people and traveling. This is called "non-compatibility."

2B - There is NEVER a "good" time to break up. Surgery notwithstanding, this guy is going to bring nothing but BOREDOM, frustration and feelings of being "2nd-best" into your life, if you choose to spend it with him. Frankly, I believe you are settling, rather than being alone. You can't change what he is...a semi-hermit who controls others, especially via his money. Beware of the financially comfortable partner who lacks a generous heart...counts every penny...tips frugally...lacks sponteneity.

I sure hope you reconsider. Seems that you are frantically trying to make it work, rather than acknowledging the facts and opting to be alone, rather than "settle."

- Ma Strong

July 7, 2009
12:01 pm
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2BHAPPY
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Thanks Atalose...yes I am glad I brought everything to the table. I dont know if we are going to make it..but I will keep my eyes and ears opened and see what develops. I am now doing things for myself and keeping busy with my own set of problems.

I dont really know if some of the issues are my own because I have been alone for so long and have had some bad experiences.

Ma Strong...you have some valid points and I really need to look at those in my relationship..for now I am taking care of myself emotionally and not letting his life and what he does affect me.

What I need to get accross to him is that since I dont have a commitment from him..I dont feel that I have make myself so available to him. I think I spoiled him and spent too much time with him. At 5 months of dating and being 55, he says he hasnt thought of a future yet..that he is just getting to know me but that he does want to eventually get married and not be alone.

My biggest fear is to waste my time with someone and then find out that they were not really intending to get married..Sometimes men want to get married but when it comes to actually doing it...they cant do it. I was with someone like that for 7 years and it was heartbreaking at the end.

Anyway...I would like to continue to post and get your advice on things as they come up. Right now I am dealing with renting a property and fixing it up, a sick mother who needs my attention and a dying dog who also needs my presence. So I am pretty busy. He says he is willing to be there for me..visit my mom with me, be at home with my dog and helping me fix the rental for future tenants...he is trying to be supportive.

Thanks everyone.

 

 

2bHappy

July 7, 2009
12:34 pm
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You don't to communicate WHY...just don't be so available. Do some fun things with your friends.

BOOK A SHORT GET-AWAY TRIP WITHOUT HIM. Go with some friends, instead.

Start doing the things you have put on hold, instead of being so available. Don't answer the phone when he calls. Take a day here and an evening there for your own interests and don't include him. Don't even tell him where you went. You don't need to be such an "open book" to him. That's playing right into his hands.

Where is the challenge, if he knows your whereabouts all the time and knows you won't even take a weekend trip away without him?

Pick up the pieces of life that you enjoy and DO THEM. It might be his wake-up call.

- Ma Strong

July 7, 2009
12:36 pm
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P.S. As a fellow animal lover, I am truly sorry to learn that your dog may be dying. That is a genuine heart-breaker.

- Ma

July 7, 2009
1:07 pm
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2B, first off, sorry about your dog and your mom being sick, i hope all goes well.

Just chiming in...I think if marriage is important that is great, but alot of the focus seems on "being married"....instead of waiting to find out about Honey D is even marriage material...relationships take a long time to build at least a year or more, you guys have only dated 5 month or so. So maybe set some guidelines for yourself. Ma, Atalose & Sad gave some great advice. I'd do things with friends, do things alone, just do what you have to, balance and all and work the relationship with him "into" your life, a part of your life, not your complete life.

As MA said, people do change, if they want to, if you have to ask a person to change, yeah, they will for a month or two then go back to their old ways...keep an eye out for this with Honey D.

I wish you the best in life & all and just want to see ((2b)) really happy!!whether there is a man in your life or not.

(((camer)))

July 7, 2009
1:26 pm
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atalose
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2B,

I see so much growth with you!!! Being able to stand back and see if some issues are your own is fantastic.

I agree with MA you don’t need to get anything across to him right now, proof will be in your own actions of keeping busy and doing things you enjoy aside from him or feeling as if you need to include him all the time.

CAMER makes an excellent point, take your time in getting to know him instead of focusing too far down the road with being married. Take his cue, he said he hasn’t thought of a future yet as you both have only been dating for 5 months. Allow this relationship to take it’s natural course instead of trying to guide it along to where you want it.

Life is about taking chances there are no guarantees so just enjoy it day by day.

I am also very sorry to hear about your mom and your dog. Sounds like you have allot on your plate right now but someone standing by your side to support you through it.

((2B))

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 7, 2009
2:19 pm
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2BHAPPY
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Thank you Atalose, Camer & Ma.

I will take your advise and do what I need to do to take care of myself.

I have a 15 yr old dog that is now kind of deaf..walking slow..he doesnt look like he is in too much distress..just likes to rest a lot..Dont think he is in pain either. He used to have these bleeding episodes from his nose cause he has a tumor there..but now its just drops here and there when he is resting. I dont know when its time to put a dog to rest..but right now he seems ok..just laying around a lot..he is eating ok..not the way he used to..but he is.

My mom is kind of losing her memory..I got very saddened this weekend when she told me that she could no longer remember my phone number and had to look it up. Also she has been accusing her care taker of taking her money she things she hid in the mattress and then my sister finds it in her closet..by then she would have yelled and screamed at the caretaker. She seems more agreable and kind and sweet now with me.

My rental house needs a lot of work..I will have to really sacrifice financially this month to get it fixed so that it could be rented out. The boyfriend wants to help doing the labor..but he is in no condition to do anything as he just had surgery...and he thinks I have money to fix it so he is not offering anything either. Anyway, sometimes I feel that he likes it with me because he thinks he doesnt have to be financially responsible for me. The overall theme is we all are responsible for our financial decisions..he has made good decisions and therefore he is retired. I made some decisions about real estate and I am still struggling with that...so what would a future be like? He said it is a good thing for me because I dont have to worry about a man who has no financial security and I dont have to take care of him..that I should think that was ideal situation for me.

Right now I will do things for myself and take are of things..have a whole lot on my plate right now.

 

 

2bHappy

July 7, 2009
9:09 pm
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Guess I am "old school." I have a problem with men who have no desire or instinctive longing to protect and PROVIDE FOR the woman they love.

I have raised both of my sons to be providers. Their wives will have the choice of pursuing a career...or not. Their choice.

Both have blossomed into generous men who would not DREAM of letting a woman pay for her share of a dinner or handle her own repairs, etc. They would be right there, helping (or paying for the help to get the job done.)

Perhaps, such chivalry is dead? If so, I regret its passing.

- Ma Strong

July 7, 2009
9:31 pm
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atalose
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Ma,

I too am old school and believe men should protect and provide for the woman they love.

I think in this case with 2B it’s a fairly new relationship, 5 months I believe, they are still in the getting to know one another stage.

I think 2B was projecting fear for the future, a future she is unsure of because this is so new and she like many of us need to lesson our fear with guarantees and assurances. But at this stage in her new relationship I think it’s too soon to even be using the word love let alone marriage.

((MA))

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 7, 2009
9:39 pm
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Sorry to hear about your dog 2B. I must admit I agree with MA. I think he isn't good for you.

July 7, 2009
11:06 pm
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sad sack
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Sorry Ma, I will have to disagree with you once again.

I do not believe that just because someone is born a male, that he must continually foot the entire bill when going out with a woman.

I think many women want gender equality, yet when it comes to paying their fair share in relationship expenditures, they get offended if asked to contribute.

Why must it be the male who "provides" for the woman? Are we not capable of providing for ourselves? Isn't that what we (as women) have been fighting for?

Haven't we made any progress in how women are perceived? Sometimes, I wonder.

sad

July 7, 2009
11:15 pm
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Just for the record when I say agree I agree with Ma in the aspect that "Honey D" may change for a min, but he will go back to how he is. I mean if I ever told my gfs that are interrupting me, I'd get slapped. It is uncalled for and sounds controlling.

As far as a man providing, I think sure as a husband, unless the wife makes more, or can make more. In that case as long as he focusing on the house and everything else, then I guess it is ok. As far as supporting a gf or bf, unless you have been together for 5plus years and it is an agreement, I don't think it is right. I would help my gf as far as working on her house, I know "honey D" can;t, but in the same aspect.

Sad
I think there isn't a progress in the mans role. Not only the womans. I mean you hear stay at home dad, what do you think? Women working is more common then saying a father is a stay at home dad.

OR am I wrong?

I just think 2B can do better, I know she can.

July 8, 2009
12:56 am
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Thank you guys..I take all advice and really take them into consideration. I guess men are different..some are more chilvarous than others. I have experienced both in my life.

And for the record..Honey D is now paying for all out meals. I havent paid for anything the last few months..really...That is over and done with. Now we are planning vacations and he will definitely take care of that too. I think he was trying to see how much he could get away.

So its been 5 months and I am so independent that I would really feel uncomfortable if he asked to pay for the repairs..but it would be nice to hear.

Tonight I was so busy with trying to get new tenants on my house. He took his daughter and her boyfriend to dinner and presented her with the new car. He also took his father..kind of bothered me that he didnt even invite me..but I would have felt uncomfortable. He goes to dinner with her and her boyfriend..so its nothing new.

Eventually, this boyfriend will probably do better than I do with his relationship with the father in law.

Anyway..one date at a time. Since this is new and he is not really thinking of a future and just enjoying the moment..I guess I will really have to take my time with this emotionally...do the things I need to do for myself and go about my life...but then you kind of lose that spark.

 

 

2bHappy

July 8, 2009
1:19 am
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Did you really want to see his brat get her car? I mean wouldn't that of made you sick? Maybe just take your time. Go out with the girls more.

July 8, 2009
1:56 am
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No Billy..I would have been dying inside....I will do just that..go out with the girls more and spend more time in my home that I love.

 

 

2bHappy

July 8, 2009
9:09 am
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atalose
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What my expectations of a man providing to his wife and family are: he holds a job continually to support his family along with his wife who may or may not make as much as him. He provides for his “family” not only financially but physically and emotionally.

My ex husband provided but he always provided to himself first. His ego didn’t want me to work or contribute to the “family” financially……but I did anyway, right after he left me with no credit cards or access to our savings and $12.00 in the checking account while he went away golfing for a week.

I certainly don’t believe all the finances should fall onto their shoulders.

As for dating I think in the beginning if the woman offers to pay half of a dinner bill and the man refuses then ok but I at least think the offer should be made. As the relationship progresses discussion on those type of financial matters should be discussed.

When I began dating my BF I would always offer to pay half he would always refuse. As our relationship progressed I continued to offer and at times he would accept other times he would not. As we further progressed together so did our finances. To this day he talks about how I was always offering to pay half for what ever and that impressed him as most woman he dated never did. We’ve been together almost 10 years and have never had any fights over money.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 8, 2009
10:33 am
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2BHAPPY
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Atalose...I did offer to pay half or take turns at the beginning all the time and didnt mind at all..what I realized afte a while was that he expected that all the time and it just got very confusing as to whose turn it was and I realize it was his way of saving money too. He has a lot more money than I do..so I stopped completely and now its not an issue at all. We go out to eat and its not so stressful anymore.

I guess he didnt come from the most generous family.

Have our date tonight..I dont know whether I want to spend the night with him or not. I dont want to sound manipulative to him by telling him I cant sleep in his mattress so that he can buy another one. He can keep his mattress just dont want to sleep there.

For the next 2 weekends (except this coming one) I have invitations to friend's parties and birthdays. I really dont want to go with him but I had him used to being together on the weekends. I dont want to lie to him about where I am going..but I dont want to take him either.

I dont know if I am losing the spark now..when I am with him I feel ok and like being with him..but when we spend time together I dont really miss him and want to do my own thing.

 

 

2bHappy

July 8, 2009
10:52 am
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2B
Tell him the truth. You hhave parties to go to. Thus not being able to hang out with him. He does stuff without you all the time. Don't feel bad.

From what youare saying here, you should just be friends with him. But that is my opinion.

July 8, 2009
11:31 am
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atalose
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You know what I’d mentioned something about the mattress. I’d make sure I didn’t do it in a condescending way but I’d say “hay this mattress seems like it needs to be replaced, I read recently that you should replace them at least every 10 years”.

He’s a guy, he’s into his routine including his mattress, sometimes they just get so used to things it’s doesn’t occur to them. I went through that with my BF he had a full size bed that was almost 8 years old and was uncomfortable not to mention we both really did fit. I suggested a new mattress and box spring in a bigger size, he went that weekend that bought one. He still thanks me for suggesting it other wise he’d still be sleeping in the older full size one. So I’d suggest it then leave it up to him to do what ever he wishes with your suggestion.

As for your parties I’d also mention your plans for the weekend and if you don’t feel like inviting him then don’t.

That’s good that you don’t miss him and obsess over him when you are not with him and then can enjoy your time doing what makes you happy.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 14, 2009
3:20 pm
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atalose
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2B,

Just saying a quick hello and seeing how you are doing….

((2B))

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

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