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2BHappy is Ending Relationship--very sad
July 1, 2009
1:23 pm
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2BHAPPY
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I know that some of you have followed my quest to find love and eventually get married.

A lot of you know that last year I met someone that I thought was nice and who I thought wanted a loving relationship like I did.

I hope you dont judge me and label me selfish because I am not. I am a very loving and giving person. I just have this very adventureous nature. I like to travel, enjoy doing different things. I like people and enjoy socialicing. I like to think that I have not created co-dependent children except that my son just came home for the military and is living with me temporarily.

We started dating about 6 months ago after knowing each other and spending a lot of time with each other for the previous 6 months.

He is a very nice man I guess as a friend. In spending a lot of time with him. I have noticed him to be very critical and judgmental. He has noticed everything that is out of the ordinary with me...and has sort of made fun of some of it. We met in social setting..but does not want to be part of that group anymore and whenever I mention that I want to join them on an activity he will make some kind of comment like "oh..you still want to be in a group" and immediately suggest that we go on our own. He doesnt like for me to get calls after 9:00pm from my girlfriends as he thinks its rude to call people after a certain time.

I have been told in so many ways that I should not dress the way I do because it is provocative and I am attracting men. There have been other comments about different things..but I dont want to make this too long.

He complains that I have communication problems because I sometimes interrupt him or he feels I tune him out and I am not listening to him...this happens when I am watching TV and sometimes I have other things in my mind that I might be worried about. It doesnt happen all the time..but he made a big issue about it...BUT he does the same thing to me and I am not allowed to say anything....Because I DO want to work on a relationship and if there is a problem on my behalf that I can work with..I will do my best if that will make my partner happy.

I think that one of my biggest issues is his relationship with his daughter. I just feel that it is too much..but then again I never had a father...he lived far away and he never really took the time to look for me and be concerned for me. I go to my boyfriend's house and there are at least 20 pictures in his living room as you walk in..then several in the den, the refrigerator..her room still looks like a nursery with all the baby colors, and her bed and pictures on the wall...she is 25 years old.

He was recently diagnosed with prostate cancer and immediately had surgery..and that was another issue for me because I just didnt feel as if I was a priority in his life...too long to explain....Anyway I dont know how that will affect his sexual function..but he told the doctor he wanted to do the surgery aggressively and not be so concerned about erectile dysfunction....I am not so concerned about the sexual dysfunction because there are a lot of ways to be intimate with a person and ways to show someone you love them...I am concerned about the criticism, being ungenerous and beig tight with the money as he is and thinking only about himself when trying to have a relationship. He has never asked me if there was anything about him that I was unhappy about.

When I first met him I thought he enjoyed getting away on the weekends..but the only time we have been away was back in April and that was because one of my girlfriends let me have her timeshare free of charge...and we had a conflict about who was paying for gas on the way back and which meals I was going to pay. Now..that was my fault because I got him used to me sharing in..I thought it was a nice gesture on my part, then realized it was just more money to put in his bank abount. There has been no definite plans of getting away..even though he talks about it..which is worse because it is telling me he cant keep his word.. Now he is talking about getting away for the weekend in August..but that is yet to be seen. We cant travel the world..because he is not interested in doing that...we cant travel on long weekends because there are too many cars on the road on long weekends...but being self-employed it would be convenient for me to close on holidays and take short vacations.

Recently he went and bought a brand new car for his daughter, spent at least $20,000..This is the 2nd car he buys for her..the previous one she totalled. He pays for all her emergencies, tax bill, insurance both health and car and she will get to inherit about 2 million when he dies. They talk and text everyday and he needs to see her everyday. He takes her and her boyfriend out to dinner at least 3X a week and goes visit her everyday. He never complaints about how much money he is spending in taking them out to dinner..but he has mentioned it to me about our meals. Perhaps I am a jealous..but I just dont feel that I can compete with this type of relationship and there is no room for me in the future. When I stay in his house, he has this very uncomfortable mattress that must be at least 20 years old if not more. I have been having neck and back pains and I think it is from sleeping in this mattress. He buys nothing for himself and when you walk into his home is like walking into 1980's.

We cant go to the movies because he says that he doesnt want to support the Hollywood liberals..but yet will go and buy a $100 gift certificate for movie theater and give to his daughter.

One of my biggest issues is security.. I am self employed and with the way the economy is going it is scary. I could lose everything very quickly..and I could see this man watch me go downhill and not wanting to get help me in anyway. I dont want to be with a man the rest of my life and give him all my love and attention and end up in the streets. When he had his surgery, I closed my business and didnt care about making the money for 3 days. I took him in for surgery, I waited for him to wake up..I stayed in the hospital and moved in temporarity to help in at night and in the mornings before I came to work..I bought him meals and made his errands..that is the type of commitment that I am willing to give..and he was very very grateful. I was very glad to be able to do this for him and have no regrets..but then I wonder if he would do the same for me.

I do think he is a very nice man. We have a nice relationship as long as I dont demand anything. Just go out to dinner, go to the supermarket and rent $1 movie, watch movie and go to sleep..There is no dancing...no going for a drink because he doesnt drink (think he had a drinking problem at one time and had a major accident), he likes to watch political shows and get upset over them. Doesnt like concerts (dont like crowds), doesnt like Theater or anything that has to do with a lot of people...So there is only so many dinners you can have and so many outdated $1 movies to watch. I dont know how to tell him that I am bored and I am starting to feel old.

Anyway..I know this was long..but it helped me vent because I just dont know how to address this to him or he he can compromise to save the relationship. I really just want to be able to make someone happy and have them make me feel the same way or at least try.

 

 

2bHappy

July 1, 2009
1:52 pm
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CAMER
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hi ((2b)) have you tt you bf about all of this and ending it?? and what did he say, or how do you think he will re act?

well, you sound like you know what you want.

And i have followed your story since
you started "dating" i think back in late Jan....and there seemed to be problems starting then.....with him going out with you after you hiked, but not offering to pay for a lunch or what not. And with his retirement, the daughter issue was brought up...and the money issues seems to just be something that "he is who he is" and will spend his money the way he wants.

Most of all, you don't seem happy, and after posting all of this, maybe you do need a break. Its better to find out now, then a year from now.

Do what you have to, to make things right, and never settle.

Relationships suck, cuz yes, sometimes the first 6 months is wine & dine and all that good stuff, then the "real" person comes out, that we may not like, you seem to be finding
the "real" your bf, is not what you are looking for.

((((hugs your way)))

July 1, 2009
2:06 pm
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Thanks for your understanding Camer...I really dont want to break up with him especially after his recent surgery..I dont want him to think its because we may learn that he is impotent...and I also dont want it to be after he bought her a car..because that is not really the issue here..not the car or his love for her..but the fact that is what is so important to him..before a romantic relationship..at least thats how I feel. I made it very clear to him that I am looking for a relatinship and I make that my priority and because my children are adults and can take care of themselves..finding a relatinship to me is a priority. Not to say he doesnt give me the time or anything like that because he does...but I dont think he is concerned with whether I am happy or not..Its like "I am loyal to you, honest and I spend all my free time with you doing nothing..this is how things will be..take it or leave it".

How do I address this to him when it may not be important for him to change...I just feel the best way is to walk away with dignity.

Please tell me how I should handle this?

 

 

2bHappy

July 1, 2009
3:33 pm
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atalose
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Why not just tell him the truth, you want a different life style then he does. Explain how you want to travel and go places like concerts and dancing.

Nothing has to be mentioned about his daughter or her new car or any of those other things.

Remember this is about you and about you NOT settling any more, life is to short for that.

CRAMER is right the wining and dinning stage is over, is this what you want, do you want this man for exactly who and how he is today? Because he’s not going to change, his relationship with his daughter is not going to change, his political views or his financial stinginess are not going to change.

Get out now, don’t express your feelings and wants and needs then hang around hoping he’s going to change because he’s not.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 1, 2009
3:40 pm
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atalose, I am Camer not Cramer!! that made me smile 🙂

I think alot of this has to do with what YOU want, 2b....ending a relationship is never a good time, even after his operation or what not, there is no right time. You need to decide, like Atalose said....accept him the way he is now, or not. I think the "honeymoon" phase is over, and now the real person in your bf is coming out, not that he is a bad person at all, just different, different maybe from what you want.

You do have choices, and ask yourself what 2b wants.....and can the relationship work with Honey D, being the man he is today.

((((camer)))

July 1, 2009
4:03 pm
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I agree with what everyone else has written. My ex-husaband was/is a good man but he did not want to go to concerts or plays with me. He didn't stop me from going by myself but I wanted someone to do them with. When I mourn the loss of the relationship with the lying cheating rat bastard most of that mourning is because he DID want to do all the things I wanted to do. We travelled read books went to concerts and plays everything.

Do not settle for less than you deserve. Just tell him all that is wrong with the relationship and why you want out without mentioning money or his daughter. It sounds like you have enough reasons for walking without mentioning those and I wouldn't even broach the sex subject. But that is just me.

Bitsy

July 1, 2009
6:38 pm
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Thank you Camer, Atalose..and Bitsy you so understand me since you have had both situation. I really like to enjoy myself and I find people fascinating and like to socialize and get to know people. My work is related to that and I get to speak to a lot of interesting people all day long.

This week is a long weekend and it would have been nice to have planned something after the operation..He is feeling great and he is able to move around..but instead he are concentrating on how to make his daughter happy. Even his own father told him he needs to get out and explore the world. His parents did that and now his father has all these great memories that he likes to share with me because he knows I like to travel. He really wants his son to stay with me and tells me to try and convince him.

This is very hard for me because I really care for him and enjoy his company..but I am thinking of my life down the line...It could get boring and frustrating...plus there are some other controlling issues I've noticed in him.

 

 

2bHappy

July 1, 2009
6:53 pm
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Don't fall in love with what may be. Someone around here posted that each person brings something to a relationship and the relationship you have with him is not the same as any he has had in the past or ever will have. That was really hard for me to think about. R moved on before I knew it was over. He is a guess still in that relationship with her. It was hard for me to accept that they have their own little things they do together like he and I had. I am alone and have no one to do anything with, so I sit at home and read or I work. I had a friend and her tow daughters over for hamburgers and hot dogs last night and her husband stopped by on his way home from work. I am the Odd Man Out in most of the social situations I go to, so I haven't been going a whole lot.

Don't become me and you will if you stay with this man. You have so little time invested in him, you really aren't losing much

R also towards the end wanted me to "start pulling my weight" when we would go out, I didn't have the money but tried anyway to make him happy. It contributed to the financial mess I am still in.

Bitsy

July 1, 2009
10:20 pm
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atalose
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CAMER……..I am so sorry……I must be stuck in a Seinfeld lapse!!!!!!!

((CAMER))

2BHAPPY…..Life is too short to get sucked into guilt and trying to change another person into someone they are not. I’m sure his father does want his son’s life to be more open and adventurous but it’s not, period end of that story.

You don’t need someone in your life who is about control, trying to control you into his boring life style. Then you try and control him into yours where it will always end with frustration. You can still care about him only from a distance, free yourself to move on to find a more fitting person who also enjoys those things in life you seek.

End things friendly and keep in touch from a distance, send cards or what ever, you don’t own this guy anything more then what you have already done. You saw him through a trying situation in his life, now he’s doing great and can move on with his limited life style that makes him happy.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 1, 2009
11:40 pm
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fantas
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(((2BHappy))), Trust your instincts and be good to yourself. When it right, it is and when it isn't, we find ourselves trying to rationalize things for eons:)

July 2, 2009
7:34 am
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((2b)) seeing how you are feeling today.

It seems like you want to end it, but in reality you may NOT want to end it??

Is it cuz of the time you have invested?? or maybe thinking he will change?? or maybe just being alone??

we're here to listen.

(((hugs))) camer

July 2, 2009
8:17 am
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Just checking in to see how you are this morning.

Bitsy

July 2, 2009
10:47 am
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One statement really jumped out at me:

"I do think he is a very nice man. We have a nice relationship as long as I dont demand anything."

WHOA. As long as you don't demand anything? Translation: You are permitted in his life for HIS convenience and to SERVE HIM? That would certainly not work for me.

Ask yourself why you would settle for sleeping on an uncomfortable old mattress, pay your own way whenever you go out (which is seldom, as I understand it from your postings) and lead a life of isolated loneliness. It appears he has you on a back burner for the times his daughter is not available. WHY WOULD YOU SETTLE FOR THAT?

I believe every woman needs a man who perceives her as valuable, unique, precious and worth providing for in every way: financially, emotionally, socially and sexually. You should be a prize he has to earn...not someone who shares his lumpy bed and watches boring movies with him when he has nothing better to do.

It sounds as if this guy has some slightly "N" traits. Reminds me of that yo-yo I went and married 3 years ago. It lasted 2 months. As soon as he had me sexually, (on our wedding night), the mask fell off, the true colors emerged and I found myself married to the most self-absorbed, stingy, selfish, boring man who ever walked the face of the earth.

Your guy sounds alot like the one from whom I escaped. The only person he felt passionately about was his mother...not ME. In your case the guy is fixated on his daughter. Not good. You are running a very poor second place. Is that what you want?

I would follow some of the great advice given here and just quietly fade away. Doesn't have to be a dramatic blowup or anything. Just stop sleeping with the guy...go to your own home every night...stop hanging around his place watching those boring movies. Instead, tell him you are joining your friends for an interesting evening out. He can't control you UNLESS YOU LET HIM. And why would you do that?

Keep posting. If you are afraid of being alone or abandoning the "illusion" of what you thought this Prince Charming might be in your life, you are in good company. Most of us have been down that path and can stand by you.

- Ma Strong

July 2, 2009
11:25 am
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2B
Breaking up is hard. It doesn't feel good at all. But you got to do it. He isn't right for you. The little things are there. Follow your heart. Someone else will come along. Don't settle for someone who isn't going to be there for you.

July 2, 2009
11:53 am
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Hi 2B: Sorry to hear that the relationship isn't working out. I agree with everything said above too.

Ma,of course, is spot on as always- and she's definitely walked the walk.

One thing I recently heard (STILL learning about this dating stuff) is its not good when a man "futures" you. Which means if he says we'll do this and that and go here and there, but you never do any of it. Just means he's trying to keep you on the hook, hoping that some event or activity will actually happen. So when it doesn't - you're right. He's not keeping his word.

The relationship with the daughter is a little over the top. You think he's feeling guilty about something in her upbringing?

I know its hard to let go, but I like Ma's idea of slowly backing away. Lumpy mattress and $1 movies. NO NO NO!

I think it was thru the fire that said once that her bf, now her husband, bought her a special pillow to use when she slept at his house so she'd be comfortable. THAT is a man who cares!

sd

July 2, 2009
2:11 pm
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Wow..you guys are awesome with your support.. Thanks to all..I dont want to skip any names like I have before so this is general to all of you that wrote.

My internet at home has not been working so I respond when I get to work in the mornings.

Ma Strong...thank you. I have not been helping him with the dinner bills at all the last 2 months..I was doing because I thought it was a nice gesture..but realize it was just going to his bank account. He doesnt know about the mattress..I've just realized that because I have been having neck pains and back pains..but will mention that to him. He does spend more time with me than with the daughter and I do know that when it comes to spending time..I do come first. But I think emotionally, she does come first and feel that his focus is not of finding a wife to share his life with..but providing for his daughter while he is alive and then making her wealthy when he dies. This is while he is sitting at home letting life go by. I told him one day that he was just living to die, instead of living to live.

Camer...no, I dont want to end this relationship...he does have his good side to him and he has been very sweet to me and has filled an empty place in my life. I would try to make this work if I thought he would do something to safe the relationship..but his attitude is that he has this simple lifestyle that he is very happy and comfortable with (and with me in it is even better). Then I feel that perhaps with his prostate cancer and recovery, our relationship kind of stalled to take care of his before and after surgery. No, we havent gone anywhere..but our relationship was relatively new when he got the cancer prognosis and then he is recovering so we really cant make any plans. But then the car buying business came out of left field, why not buy a ticket for vacation and enjoy recovery time? He is walking and doing ok and not in pain. Anyway, I wasnt even thinking of a trip either.

SD- thanks...yes he is feeling guilty over the divorce. The wife ran off with another man when the daughter was 5 and he had to deal with just seeing her every other week and she made him go through hell. Now she is divorced from that other man with another child and totally broke...but if something was to happen to this man right man..the ex wife will be just fine because the daughter will take care of her.

Bitsy....feeling terrible today as you can see..but writing out my feelings is helping.

Atalose...you know what I have gone through to get here and now I am so disappointed.

Billy..you are such a sweetheart. I am so afraid of being alone and this is what scares me. I am such a loving person and would like to share that part of me with someone. I love my children to death...but they cannot fullfil that part of me.

I want to clarify that as far as the cheap part..he has improved somewhat..He does pay for all our meals and we do go out about 2 or 3x per week. He did buy me flowers for Mother's Day and my birthday with a nice present... and when I took him for his surgery..he gave me money to take care of the gas for my car and parking.

He did say this past weekend that since he was feeling better, we could plan on a trip to the mountains in August. But I am getting to the point that unless I see him paying for the reservations..it will not happen.

But I still see his lifestyle..the house that is like walking into a 1980 time capsule..There is nothing new in that house. He does not spend any money on himself at all and there are no bills.. all the money goes towards a savings account for his daughter so that she can have once he passes on. I dont see any room for me especially because if he were to live in my home..there would be expenses..I still have a nice mortgage payment because I live in a very nice home and I like to decorate it and make a nice environment for me. We never discuss these things and I dont even know how he would feel about this.

Anyway...I am trying to have some space for myself and think about all this before I talk to him. We spend so much time together that he will think its strange that I slowly extract myself from the relationship.

By the way..yesterday was the usual day when we meet..and because I was so busy with my thoughts and busy with work..I didnt call him till about 6:00pm which is when we usually meet as he wants to start early date so that he can get to bed early. Since I called him so late..he went on to say how he was not feeling good and wanted to go to sleep and not to come over. It was his way of saying..you didnt call me and made arrangement so I dont want to see you tonight...so that kind of worked out to my benefit.

I do like his daughter, she seems very sweet and wants her father to be happy. She was so thankful that I took such great care of him while he was going through the prostate cancer and surgery and how I stayed with him every night to help him up each morning. His father is also very nice to me and tells his son that I am the "full package" that was so nice to hear.

Thanks you all. I really appreciate your support.

 

 

2bHappy

July 2, 2009
10:22 pm
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It does not seem this man is going to marry you. If you are seeking the commitment of marriage, I believe you will need to move on.

- Ma Strong

July 2, 2009
10:40 pm
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atalose
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2BHAPPY,

I know you are very disappointed, lets talk this through. Do you feel this disappointment will remain or do you think it’s temporary?

As you mentioned he has gone through a life changing experience, anyone told they have cancer, life is never the same again.

Do you sense he wants to broaden his horizons now, possible travel and enjoy things in life he’s not done before?

Or you do see him and his life style exactly how it is today, say 6 months from now being exactly the same?

Are you finding yourself NOT being true with your feelings and talking to him because you are afraid of his reaction and a possible negative outcome?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 3, 2009
1:10 am
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Thanks Atalose...I will answer your questions and see if that will help.

Do you feel this disappointment will remain or do you think it’s temporary?

I dont know..but I will now put my foot down and just do what I need to do for myself. I have started back hiking with my groups. This weekend I will more time with my family. I will let him know that I will not sleep in his house until he buys a new mattres.

Do you sense he wants to broaden his horizons now, possible travel and enjoy things in life he’s not done before?

He says we are going to go away for a few days in early August. I dont even know if we wil make it to that day.

Or you do see him and his life style exactly how it is today, say 6 months from now being exactly the same?

I dont know. We are supposed to go to the lakes and hike in August and he was also planning a trip to Hawaii. One time he mentioned that he might light to go to Austria...but he also wanted to buy a Corvette back when we were friends in January..now he says he doesnt need a fancy car.

Are you finding yourself NOT being true with your feelings and talking to him because you are afraid of his reaction and a possible negative outcome?

I have tried to talk to him about the money issue and how we are different and he says that is good..that we balance each other. To give it time that things will work out..but my fear is of wasting time. I am a very giving person and I am fully committed to one person and I dont want to give 100% to someone who doesnt deserve it.

I have no problem talking to him..just that maybe I am expressing things the way I should because we dont resolve anything. I was thinking of asking him to go for counseling for both of us and make sure that we are communicating right.

I know that lately he has been jealous and is very concerned about me leaving..so I know he doesnt want that...especially after his surgery.

He has no idea that I am feelin this way..today he called me and sounded very happy cause he is starting to feel better... He was telling how everyone was taking off for the weekend and I replied "how fun" and he said we could go another time when there was no traffic. I think he was waiting for me to tell him when I were going to meet again and I didnt say anything.

I think I'll try and just ease myself out of this...but I will have a talk with him and ask him how much does he want a relationship and if he realizes that having a relationship is about compromising and making the othe person happy.

Thanks everyone.

 

 

2bHappy

July 3, 2009
6:10 pm
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atalose
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Sounds like he talks a lot but seems so very rigid with his life and routine. Not wanting to go away because of traffic seems more like he is saying I can’t do things spur of the moment.

Being different could help you both balance but that is only if both of you are willing to compromise. I think I would hold off suggesting counseling it’s still too very new of a relationship for that. That’s like saying we have problems so let’s go see if we can work them out even thought we’ve only been dating for 6 months, way too soon for that I my opinion.

And rather then say you are not going to stay at his house until he buys a new mattress simple don’t stay there and if he asks explain how uncomfortable his older mattress is, put that in his hands to see if he does something to improve that situation or not.

I am glad you are back involved with your hiking group and doing thing with your family. That’s great to keep yourself busy with things you like and enjoy and not succumb to only HIM and this relationship.

Rigid people are hard to be involved with, compromise is not often something they are willing to do. They talk a good game but rarely have the follow through.

All you can do is express the things you want then see if he is willing through his actions to compromise or not.

I think easing yourself out is great, keep busy with the things you enjoy and allow him to miss you a little and see that you are strong enough not to give up all of yourself for him.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 4, 2009
1:36 pm
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Camer suggested this so I am going to try and put in words what the minus and the pluses of this relationship are.

1. He is honest and trustworthy.
I never have to worry about him telling me a lie and I can always rely on him showing up when he says he will.

2. He is financially responsible. He has a nice pension and nice savings and he will never have to worry about money.

3. We enjoy the same activities. We love to hike and appreciate nature.

4. He will take me to whatever restaurant I want and recently I dont have to worry the money. He has been pulling out his wallet to pay for dinner.

5. He is very loving and he listens to me when I am upset.

6. When I am sick...he is concerned and will try to make me comfortable.

7. When I am at his house he tries to make me as comfortable as possible. Goes out and gets me Starbucks because he knows I prefer that in the morning.

8. He buys me flowers on special ocassions.

9. He always tells me he is proud of me and my accomplishments.

10. I am also proud of him and his accomplishments.

11. He is a good father.

12. I know that he will never cheat on me.

13. When I am at his house, I dont have to lift a finger..he does everything for me....he doesnt like to cook..so he will take me out to eat and buy me whatever dessert I want to bring home because he knows I like sweets.

14. He doesnt know about the mattress and I know that once I tell him it is causing me problem he will buy another mattress. Not 100% sure because this never came up before...but I will bring up the fact that he has been complaining of his back.

Now to the minus:

1. He doesnt like to spend money..but on his daughter.

2. His house is like a time capsure from the 80% because he never updates anything. I am surprised he has a DVD player. My home is filled with all the latest technology and I like to think that I have nice decorating taste. It is colorful and very comfortable. I sleep on a very nice king size bed and wake up to this beautiful mountain view. I love my home..but since my son is home, I dont have my boyfriend stay here so I have to go to his house for the weekend.

3. He always tells me he is a simple man with simple taste...and I guess he wants me to get used to that. So this week with all my thinking I came to the conclusion that he doesnt want to compromise and try and do the things I like to do to make me happy.

4. He doesnt want to travel. I like to travel to Europe which I have done 2x, and a few other places. He says that I like to endanger my life because I have travelled to Mexico and the middle east.

5. I have a lot of responsibilities with my real estate properties and I dont know that he will be willing to take on that extra stress being that his life is already set with his pension, house all paid off and the hundreds of dollars he has saved plus his future inheritance. This is my BIGGEST CONCERN...What would he want with a woman that owes in real estate as much as he has saved and until the economy gets better and the real estate market gets back up..is really strapped for cash.

6. He complains that I interrupt him sometimes when I want to bring a point accross and this gets him very irritated. This is probably the only complains he has about me and he tells me it is a MAJOR CONCERN as he cannot communicate...but I think in reality it is a control issue and being a retired cop with a supervisory position..he is used to having people give him 100% attention. I have been sweet and kind to him, loving and fun and all he is concerned with is that I interrupt him and tune him out sometimes when my focus changes to something on TV or something.

7. He wants me to give him all my free time..and I dont mind giving him my free time...but I dont have a commitment with him and dont want to give up my life to get in tune with his routine. I cant even mention that I speak to other male friends, it just creates a discussion.

If I want to join a group to do some activity like I used to..he will comment "oh..you still like the group thing" We met in a group setting.

8. He treats his 24 year old daughter like a child..He pays her cell phone bill, insurances, just bought her a car for her birthday and she didnt even have to earn it. She is supposed to finish college but keeps having him pay for the units and then flunking out so he wastes his money. She has previously totalled another car he bought her 2 years ago. Thank God she doesnt live with him (they couldnt live together as she was getting drunk and the cops were bringing her home drunk). She seems to be doing better now and is living with a boyfriend..but now papa takes them both to eat a few times a week..but the money he spends on that doesnt count because all his money is going to the bank to save for her when he dies.

We dont go to the movies because he has a thing about putting putting into the Hollywood liberals as he puts it..but we can both drive to the theater and buy gift certificates for the daughter and boyfriend. I never mentioned how I felt about that...but will mention it now.

We have never discussed where we are going to live if we make that important decision. I have this beautiful home that I would never move out of..but it is expensive compared to his already paid house. My mortgage payment is not all that high..but something he doesnt have anymore. I would never live in his house.

He still lives in the home he bought for his wife when he first got married. I sometimes feel that he hasnt let go of that and this is why he is so fixated on his daughter....and feel that once he dies and everything goes to the daughter it will also go back to his ex wife who is as irresponsible as the daughter. So all his hard earned money and sacrifices went back to the woman that cheated on him and left him for another man. She eventually got divorced from that other man..but is now broke and heavily in debt with yet another child to raise.

These are my minuses and pluses about this relationship. I will another another post about what I want out of a relationship.

Right now I am under stress because my business is slow and I have to deal with yet another tenant moving out of a property cause he cant pay...so these things bring up fears in me about the future and causes me to think about what I am getting out of this..if I am wasting my time or not and if he can handle this or not.

 

 

2bHappy

July 4, 2009
2:23 pm
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2BHAPPY
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What do I want in a relationship?

1. Commitment

2. Honesty

3. Sharing goals

4. Being concerned about the other

5. Comparing our needs and wants and compromising to make the other happy.

6. Financial security

7. Travel...I want a partner to discover the world or even here in the United States. In all honesty I cant afford it at this time because the economy is bad and I need to keep my business open at all times and need to rent out one of my properties since I am paying that mortgage.

8. I like to decorate my home and keep it update. Right now I'd like to update my backyard and get new tile work..just be able to do little things here and there if I can afford it.

9. I like to get presents sometimes, just because. But I cant tell him this because it should come from his heart..like when he bought his daughter's car.

10. I like to plan going to the movies after a nice meal. I miss that.

11. I'd like to go to a nice live music restaurant where we could enjoy the music and maybe move a little. I love music.

12. I like to be invited to an overnight trip..just to get away.

I just feel limited in some of these things and dont know if these things can be verbalized or not. I dont know if because of his fixation over the daughter he has space for anyone else and wants to go the distance to be happy sharing his life with someone.

 

 

2bHappy

July 4, 2009
2:23 pm
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2BHAPPY
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What do I want in a relationship?

1. Commitment

2. Honesty

3. Sharing goals

4. Being concerned about the other

5. Comparing our needs and wants and compromising to make the other happy.

6. Financial security

7. Travel...I want a partner to discover the world or even here in the United States. In all honesty I cant afford it at this time because the economy is bad and I need to keep my business open at all times and need to rent out one of my properties since I am paying that mortgage.

8. I like to decorate my home and keep it update. Right now I'd like to update my backyard and get new tile work..just be able to do little things here and there if I can afford it.

9. I like to get presents sometimes, just because. But I cant tell him this because it should come from his heart..like when he bought his daughter's car.

10. I like to plan going to the movies after a nice meal. I miss that.

11. I'd like to go to a nice live music restaurant where we could enjoy the music and maybe move a little. I love music.

12. I like to be invited to an overnight trip..just to get away.

I just feel limited in some of these things and dont know if these things can be verbalized or not. I dont know if because of his fixation over the daughter he has space for anyone else and wants to go the distance to be happy sharing his life with someone.

 

 

2bHappy

July 4, 2009
2:46 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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2BHappy. There comes a time when it is time to cut the apron strings. My aunt married a man who was much older than her and spent the first few years convincing various places that SHE was Mrs. Smith, Cindy Smith that Ann Smith was the daughter.

My dad remarried when I was 30 or 31. Up until that time, I got really nice gifts on my birthday and various occassions. My daughter was born and he pre-paid her college tuition. Granted, that during this time he did not date. When he met and started dating my stepmother he no longer took my husband and me out unless it was with her. When they got married, I had to realize this was my father's shot at some later in life happiness. I wasn't always happy about it and I didn't always bite my tongue, I told him what I thought about some of the financial decisions he was making and he made them anyway. I backed down. It was his money to do with as he wished. Being of sound mind he spent it ALL and GOOD for him. My stepmother and I are left struggling with some of those decisions but she and he made them. I am about to walk away from the one he left me (Feeling Beat Down thread).

At 23 or 24 she is an adult and if he closes the checkbook I guarantee she will make better grades in school.. I did and now have a Master's Degree.

Bitsy

July 4, 2009
4:30 pm
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atalose
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It just doesn’t appear that this guy fits with your wants and needs in life.
It also doesn’t appear that after dating him for about 6 months that either of you have talked about future plans or defined this relationship and where it is going.
You also have resentments towards his daughter because of the attention and especially the money he flows on her. You even go so far as to include his ex wife into the equation when it comes to HIS money.
It would appear that it is time to move on, move on to someone who can give you all those things you desire in life because it isn’t this guy.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

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