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2b, in response to the 'how are you' thread (ef)
July 12, 2005
4:34 pm
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turnabout
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Let me explain the real 'danger' there is in meeting. It isn't as horrible as one of us being "the ex," since it seems we would have recognized each other from our stories by now. And it isn't a fear of physical endangerment.

Because we only encounter one another through this site, and come here exclusively for support, we have a rather one-dimensional view of each other. That's not a bad thing. It's just the way it is. Now, despite seeing such a limited aspect of each other, I'm sure we've developed impressions. Upon meeting, these impressions will tested and expanded upon to become multi-dimensional. It would be easy for any one of us to get "sucked" into feeling we have a more personal relationship with each other afterwards than was reality. Why? B/c all of us feel disconnected from the person who connected us with the world. Closely relating with a new person who has a similar story, particularly one we don't know very well and can therefore imagine them to be anything, may cause us to feel more personally connected than we really are.

I know how easy it is to say this is silly and won't happen, but I said the same things so many times before I went and did something stupid regarding my ex. Even when he wasn't around and it didn't involve him personally. I felt lonely, not heard, unwanted ...my reactions to anything that spurred those feelings or could help me escape those feelings were practically beyond my control. And the worst was when alcohol was involved... when all my deepest hurt and insecurities surged to the surface. I couldn't even recognize myself then. I don't want to subject you guys to that, and want to warn you against the danger of it in yourselves.

Well, that's my two cents. Everyone has to make up their own minds. I know we are all mature adults capable of deciding what is best for ourselves, but we are also people at vulnerable points in our lives who are sharing the intimate details of our traumas. This would make us vulnerable to each other if our lives entwined on too personal a level, and that is a vulnerability we should take very seriously.

July 12, 2005
4:39 pm
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turnabout
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Left the dog at home, the boss returns tomorrow, and my last encounter with the ex can be found in "turnabout's bad week" from about two weeks ago. We do sort of run in the same circles, so our paths cross infrequently, usually with a month or two between. It hasn't been fun. For the most part, our mutual friends have divided time between us to avoid 'tension.' I'm uncertain as to whether that tension is supposedly between him and me (true enough) or her and me.

July 12, 2005
5:33 pm
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tracylyn
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So this is where you are all hiding.

Hey 2B - I'm sorry you are having a hard time.

KC - glad to see you are back and you haven't missed a beat.

I once met someone from this site for lunch. She was coming in town for business and we decided to meet. This was a few years ago before exchanging e-mail was banned so it was a little easier.

It was like we were friends that hadn't seen each other in years. It was never awkward and we had lots to talk about but it probably did feel different after that. We weren't strangers on-line anymore. Different - but not bad.

t

July 12, 2005
11:17 pm
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exoticflower
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What I wonder, being young enough to still fear authority...would it be ok for you guys to meet in regards to the site rules? I think one thing sc may worry about is this becoming a social site to meet people, like friendster or something. I don't know for certain, and it isn't any of my business, but I saw others putting in their two cents and mine is burning a hole in my pocket. Of course you all know I think you are great regardless, I was just wondering about the guidelines and respecting them and such...

July 13, 2005
12:59 am
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turnabout
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I'm not worried about disapproval from authority. I don't think we approach the idea with the intention of meeting people for social reasons, either. But the rules were put in place for our protection, and I respect that. I think you're right that approaching a meeting too casually would cause us to misuse the site. I still like the idea, but don't want to see that happen.

July 13, 2005
10:11 am
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frayedknot
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2B

What are your thoughts about Orlando?

Frayed

July 13, 2005
10:53 am
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2bstrong
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Hello all--busy morning...will have to post later, but in the mean time...

I feel that a gathering is sort of like a support group meeting...As someone said yesterday, we are not obligated to give out our personal info. Of my highest concern is the presevation of anonymity of all on this site, that is why only a time and place could be offered, and everything else left to chance.

I doubt that this sort of gathering would happen very often in a site like this. Maybe never? I don't think we are breaking any rules. Perhaps we should start a thread and ask opinions? Yikes!

July 13, 2005
11:15 am
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exoticflower
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2b, I think that is a great idea myself...open honest communication... there is so much wonderful feedback from everyone here. But maybe it will start a fad? You won't be able to throw a rock without hitting a person in a nickname t-shirt!:)

July 13, 2005
12:47 pm
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frayedknot
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2B et al

My thoughts are stated earlier in the thread...

In addition.... I wonder if we should limit any more exposure and just plan it or drop it? It's a voluntary event.. Just make plans, lay down the ground rules, and see who shows.. I just don't want to make the effort and be the only one to show....

Being a member of the dominant sex as you are.. Along with the wisdom you have demonstrated on this web site, I nominate you to determine the time and place.... Are you ok with that?

Frayed

July 13, 2005
1:16 pm
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2bstrong
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Are you talking to me, Frayed? If so, I would be glad to post the details. I am actually looking very forward to it. It will be my first trip without ex in a very long time!

Is that ok with everyone?--2b

July 13, 2005
1:17 pm
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exoticflower
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Dominant Sex...I like that!

July 13, 2005
1:20 pm
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2bstrong
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Yeah, exotic--I had a delayed reaction on that one. HO HO! Dominatrix! I am now wearing my riveted dog-collar.

July 13, 2005
1:41 pm
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frayedknot
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2B

Yes.... I'm talking to you.. added the "et al" regarding my other thoughts...

Thanks for "taking the bull by the horns", 2B..... If I can help in planning, please let me know...

I'm looking forward to this as well. As I said in different thread.. I want to spend more time enjoying today and developing my sense of adventure.. I try not to be a typical, boring, overly structured CPA.....

Frayed

July 13, 2005
1:56 pm
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frayedknot
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Gosh.. I didn't realize the power of the "D" word.... What have I "unleashed" here?.......LOL

July 13, 2005
3:55 pm
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2bstrong
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Ok, sorry to change the dates--but how does the weekend of the 26-28 of August work for everyone?

July 13, 2005
5:18 pm
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frayedknot
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2B

I'm flexible... that works for me... I wish it was next weekend.....

Frayed

July 13, 2005
6:34 pm
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turnabout
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I'm flexible mid to late Aug, I think. Hate to be so tentative. It's just b/c of the new job.

July 14, 2005
8:57 am
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2bstrong
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Yeah, me too Frayed! I could use some support and R&R! Turnabout, glad to hear it still is viable (sp?) for you.

How was The Grape last night?

July 14, 2005
9:24 am
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frayedknot
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2B

Good morning....

The Grape was ok.. A little pricey and ritzy... We were joined by a young lady who runs in our circle. She is getting divorced and needed to get out... so we asked her to join us. She's 27 and her husband (similar age, I guess) has found a 19 year old girlfriend. We helped her to forget about her problems. We went to a bar/restaurant called Ted's Montana Grill (a Ted Turner establishment) after the Grape and then went to the Cheesecake Factory for appetizers and a few more adult beverages. My butt is dragging a little, but, not too much..

Yea.. Orlando can't get here soon enough for me.. I'm so looking forward to a get away... I'm hoping Turnabout can make it.. Is anybody else going to join us?

How was your night last night? Go to the gym? Chocolate and nuts last night.. I'm a little hesitant to ask that question now that I have been reading the Adam/Men thread.... LOL..

2B.... How are you doing with no contact the last few days? Has the urge subsided any? Stayed the same? Or, is it building?

I always want to call on my way to work. We use to talk a lot during that time. But, I just know I would be left with no answers... more questions.. more heartache... So, my internal self defense mechanisms won't let me call.. Do you ever feel that way?

Frayed

July 14, 2005
9:35 am
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2bstrong
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Wow, how nice to have a group of friends to console each other. I am sorry for your friend. I fear that there is another woman too, although my ex is a very different person--very quirky. I try not to punish or torture myself with those thoughts. But it is always in the back of my mind. Hopefully I will get emotionally healthy and if I do find out there is someone else, or some other devastating news, it will be too late for me to care.

OMG frayed! Did you read my post on the absolutely no contact club?

Every single morning I have to talk my self in/out of calling him. For whatever reason, though, I don't do it. What is this weird phase we are in?

I went to the gym and walked a couple of miles after that. Then I ate a delicious healthy salad and had two lovely glasses of Italian Pinot Grigio. No choco-nuts last night...and yes, that Adam thread is a scream. Glittered has really opened Pandora's box...it's the laugh we all need.

July 14, 2005
10:01 am
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frayedknot
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2B

I had Pinot Grigio last night as one of my test wines and as my after testing choice...

I know my ex is dating.. She is very pretty and always attracts attention. Most men will just use her.. And, she's planning on using them also. I hate thinking about it.. I'm sure you feel the same. We were both in the mindset that we would be with our ex's forever.

I have been dating. In fact, I'm kind of dating two ladies. They are very sweet.. but, I know it's not long-term based on my lack of feelings for them. I have a red flag about my feelings regarding dating. If I'm on a date and I'm more interested in checking out potentiial ladies around me, then the person I'm with has no chance of being the one. And, that's where I am with both of these ladies. When I was with my ex, no other lady in the world existed. I was right where I wanted to be.. The two ladies and I are having fun.. Neither knows I'm dating someone else.. And, I don't know if they are dating someone else. Both of them have come out of long-term, engagement situations. When I say long-term, I mean 1 1/2 years for one and 2 1/2 years for the other...

I really want to meet somebody who makes me feel like my ex did. I absolutely know that it will happen.. And, I think it will be sooner rather than later...

What kind of work do you do, 2B? Have you lived in STL all of your life? Ever thought of moving to a new location or do you love STL?

Frayed

July 14, 2005
10:18 am
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2bstrong
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Same wine, too? There is some karma from this site. Last night I had a dream about CODA_mom and Addict's Wife. We are all connected...

I have to tell you about the one guy I have gone on a date with since the break up. He's a local radio and television personality and I met him at a celebrity golf tournament in may where he hounded me for my phone number. I was flattered and even though not too attracted to him I thought the attention from a man would cheer me up. He invited me to a ball game on a Wednesday and we had a nice evening of conversation. He talked a lot about himself, which I didn't mind at all. I didn't feel like talking about myself, that's for sure. He was into an asked me to go out the next night and the next night, but I was hesitant and said I wouldn't be available until Sunday. Second date he invited me to dinner. I met him there and again, it was nice...We walked to his car he put his arm around me. It felt kind of funny and I was a bit nervous. I kissed him good night, just for a minute though and he asked me if I would like to come over to his house....I said I couldn't, but I would take a raincheck. Third date he invited me to go see a movie and dinner. I suggested that instead of dinner we have a glass of wine and visit before the movie at my house or his house. Which we did. I went to his house because I like to escape if I have to. After the movie we went back to his house. He didn't offer another glass of wine but he asked me if I would like to watch another movie, one that we had talked a lot about. I said sure--but I was hesitant about kissing obligations if you know what I mean. SO...his son was home, which was good, BUT his son was watching a movie with his g/f and he says we'll watch it in my bedoom. Yikes! After he puts the movie in he says, I'm going to put on something more comfortable. The guy comes out of his bathroom with a black t-shirt on, Burberry flannel pajama bottoms and black socks. I wanted to run out of that place! But I stayed and kissed him good night and that was it. He has called me a couple of times. But has not asked me out.

Not a good experience for 2b. Making the ex seem like a dream-boat, that's for sure.

July 14, 2005
10:39 am
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frayedknot
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That's what I refer to as a dating hangover.. All of the dates I have been on have left me pining for my ex because the dates don't stack up to her. I have dated 5 different ladies since our split. They are all very nice, kind, etc. But, I just haven't had any spark with them.. Three of them have been either one or two date experiences.

We mustn't let a few dates (especially one in your case) represent our potential dating pool..

Here's my new adventure I'm going to try. I talked about it with my sister. I'm sure this has happened to you as well. We see someone at a restaurant, grocery store, etc. We know the chances of seeing them again are remote at best.. Yet, we have a vibe about them and we feel helpless to do anything about it. Next time this happens to me, I'm going to go make a nonthreatening comment. "You caught my eye and I noticed how toned your legs are... I know how much work it takes for them to look like that and I just wanted to let you know your hard work pays off..." Something that is true about them.. Could be an outfit.. or eyes.. or hair color.. etc.. It has to be a nonthreatening comment that makes them feel good about themselves and doesn't put either of us in an uncomfortable situation. If the person is interested, they may provoke the conversation to continue. If not, they walk away with a nice comment that is true and all I have done is given someone a nice compliment. What do you think?

I hate the bar dating scene. Need to meet someone in a different environment..

Frayed

July 14, 2005
1:02 pm
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frayed,

Thanks for the response. I wanted to reply to your earlier post, too.

I have live in stl all of my life. I grew up in an rural community--I have seven brothers and sisters. Both of my parents are still living. They are good, salt of the earth people. I especially love my father. He is the inspiration of my life--kind, gentle, giving, fun-loving, you can tell him anything. My mother is tough. She is very strict, but is softening in her age.

I was engaged when I was 22 and I broke it off. We were just too young and immature. He was a very jealous person with a lot of baggage. That was hard--but I have no regrets about that relationship ending.

I work for a publishing company as a designer. I do print and web design, as well as illustration for books, etc. I really like my job and I'm good at it. I have looked many, many times for jobs outside of stl, and have interviewed with companies in Penn. and Colorado. Turned down both offers--looking back, I wish I had done it. Especially the Penns. job.

I live in the city proper because I love the cosmopolitan lifestyle. I have a home and I basically remodeled it--it was terrible when I moved in! I would move in a second if I could. I am giving that a great deal of thought lately.

As far as approaching someone with a compliment: how could that fail? I think that is very appropriate. I had a man approach me at the grocery store asking me if I was an attorney. I laughed at the absurdity of it (to myself) but he did give me his card and I met him for drinks. Turns out he was a judge--but I didn't go out with him. I will usually give most men a chance. But looks are important to me--I have to be attracted to a man in some way! Call me shallow.

July 14, 2005
1:22 pm
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2B

Wow.. What a big family..... they sound very sweet. Did mom drive the bus at home?

Do you ever wonder about the old fiance'? Do you know what he's doing now?

I would think of relocating myself, but, I have too many ties that would be difficult to break.. Primarily, my job.. I would also have a difficult time leaving a warm weather climate. I could get a job easily, but, I might have to take a step back in pay, position. Plus, my children are here. Of course, in 4 years they are all adults...

Looks are very important to me. (I guess I'm in the shallow pool also).. I have to have an attraction and chemistry. That's the problem with the ladies I'm dating now.. It's not there for me. If I do have that chemistry, I am very dedicated...

I might try the stranger approaching thing. Not with just anybody, but, every now and then, "the vibe" hits me. I will try next time I'm "struck".. If that happened to you, you wouldn't be offended? Would you do it to a man? That's kind of how my sister approached it with me.. She said how would I feel if someone came up to me and gave me a compliment even if I had a committed relationhsip. I said I would still be flattered.. Mind you, I'm not talking about anybody wearing wedding rings..... NO WAYYYYYYYYYY..

Frayed

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