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2b, in response to the 'how are you' thread (ef)
July 12, 2005
10:36 am
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frayedknot
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EF

I check my email for other things anyway.. I have come to not expect anything from her. I just always hope something will be there when I do check. I actually want an email so I can decide if I want to respond or not.. Somehow, I want validation that my relationship had some meaning to her. I feel so........... empty and foolish to know that I opened my heart completely to her and she threw it on the floor and stomped all over it..

Sorry to ramble. I obsess over these thoughts.

Your little girl must be darling.. What a fun age.. very early walking stages?

Frayed

July 12, 2005
10:37 am
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2b...

I am relatively new to this site and have been reading your story.

I, too was engaged, planning a huge church wedding. My fiance and I had just gotten back from meeting his family. Then, out of nowhere, 1 WEEK before the wedding, he sat me down and told me we needed to postpone the wedding.

To say the least I was floored. He said not to worry, to be positive and that things would work out. He would not give me a reason why except to say he felt I was marrying him for a father to my son.

Then he left.

The contents of my entire house had been moved to his house. My son and I were left with my bed, a day bed, a tv, and a washer and dryer for 3 weeks while he became more and more distant.

It ended up that he told me over the phone while I was at work that it was over. I cannot describe the feeling of complete and utter shock I felt. I was a walking zombie. I had to be strong for my son (who by the way was calling him Daddy and didn't understand why he never came over or why we couldn't go to his house) My son is adopted and therefore there is no "daddy" in his life. I never want to have that feeling of loss again. It has been two years since this happened.

I emailed him a couple of times, with no healty response.

Both of my parents died within 5 weeks of each other 2 months after our breakup, not a word from him.

I finally let go and did not contact him and it was hard to do this. I eventually did get over it. I am still sad, but so glad that it happened because it would have happened eventually. There was no good reason for us to breakup, it was all in his head. I found out he got married in May (or at least he was supposed to) I feel that he probably did, just to prove he could.

I tell you all this to say you will get over your x. I am older than you, 47 and it is very hard to think I will find someone. I have been getting over my last relationship. He was the 3rd person I have dated since my x and it was worth it all just to know that I could have feelings for someone else.

Focus on you and start doing things for you and someone will cross your path. I know you loved your x, but you will love again.

Go to Orlando and meet these guys and enjoy all life has to offer.

I was really long winded, just wanted to get this off my chest and let you know that I am thinking about you.

Hope

July 12, 2005
10:47 am
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turnabout
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I'm glad we can be there for each other, ef. I'm glad to see your scales are increasingly tipping less in his favor and more in yours. That's wonderful.

No cigars for me, since I don't smoke, but that image is priceless. Actually (y'all will get a laugh out of this), I brought my dog, a mini-shnauzer, into the office after lunch yesterday. I was the only one here, (small office - only 3 of us normally), so I thought "Why not?" My usually perfectly behaved pooch proceded to pee on the floor and started to crap on a rug when I caught her. I was mortified! But, I cleaned it up, and no one will be the wiser. I might bring her in again this afternoon, but not until I'm SURE she's had a sufficient "outside" break. LOL

July 12, 2005
10:51 am
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H2FA

What an experience you have had... You seem to have a great attitude.. Thanks for the inspiration.

I'm more than ready for Orlando....

Frayed

July 12, 2005
12:02 pm
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Turnabout, that's ten times more reckless than a cigar!!! Very cute dogs too, aren't they? My grandmother had one that was much smaller than the norm, I would love a 'pusrse dog' myself too. Thanks for the story, gave me a real tickle!

Hope, your story is so sad...what a terrible person to do such a thing! My heart goes out to you, and thank goodness you found out his true nature before you made it legal. I can't believe the things that some people can do, you who where gilted are so strong, I wouldn't be able to cope as well by any strech, I know.

July 12, 2005
12:24 pm
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Hello Everyone:

Thank you again for letting me share some of my story with all of you. I appreciate your comments and thoughts. It's very hard for me to be objective about my situation, still.

I share all of the things about him, and I know this doesn't even need to be said, but he did and does have good qualities, why else would I have been with him for that long? He's responsible, handy with tools and home stuff, outdoorsy and fun loving, and all kinds of good things. Also very generous. So when I think of those things, I get upset and that's when I tell myself that I let everything I wanted slip through my fingers. I had a man who would go to church, was even tempered...I let it all go. I could have had it--if I had only been able to accept him for what he was.

My big ego got in the way--I wanted more, I needed more...

Last night I went to the gym and a young guy was flirting with me. That was nice. After that, I went home and read some of a book a friend had loaned me by Wayne Dyer called The Power of Intention. It's pretty good. But am I sick? When I read those books anymore, I just abuse myself for not having been more enlightened so that I could have saved our relationship. Ugggh.

I think a lot about calling him because I still care about him. No excuses. That's it. I want to tell him I'm sorry for not having been more patient or more sensitive. I want to say I'm sorry for the times I was mopey or upset because I didn't like something that he did or said. I want to tell him that I feel like I drove him away, the best thing that ever came into my life.

I meditated for a while and ate chocolate and nuts for dinner. And then I went to sleep.

July 12, 2005
12:25 pm
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kc30
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LOVE this thread...and LOVE the scale analogy.

My newest, latest "breakthrough" is this (just gotta write it down)

I realize that fixating on him was a way to avoid me...I was so used to looking outside of myself, looking to someone else to tell me I'm ok because of my low self esteem and lack of love and respect for myself. I spent so much time wondering if he cared at all about me...wanting some sign of regret, or remorse.

But it doesn't matter what he thinks/thought. Is he sad or sorry? Who cares! None of my business really what he thinks or feels. Wanting him to miss me...be sorry...be sad...that is about ME!! I get it, hallelujah. It means I'm not loving myself enough, and still looking for someone else to fill the void in myself. That's part of my codependancy.

It seems to be where many of us are stuck. All my power was given to my husband...he didn't ask for it, I gave it willingly because I wasn't raised to believe that my own feelings and opinions were what really mattered. So I gave all my power to a man who is battling his own demons and is also unhealthy, and made HIM the sun around which I circled, and looked to him to tell me I was attractive, desirable, funny, smart, fun, lovable etc.

Of course I was crushed when he started cheating!! Of course my world fell apart. I didn't just lose the love of my life...I lost ALL sense of worth because I had none for myself...I looked to him for ALL of it.

So now, I figure if I can learn to be happy and fulfilled alone, and learn to value and love and respect myself the way I want others to love and value and respect me, then I'll be ready to meet someone really great because I'll know that, even if the relationship doesn't work out....that I am still wonderful and perfect in my imperfection, exactly as I am. Wow, that sounds so great!!

So is he sorry? Who cares? Does that change me? Am I more worthy if he's sorry, and less worthy if he isn't? Do I really change based on what another person thinks of me? I've had this before...but it runs deeper this time. This recovery thing is hard as hell, but man is it ever cool sometimes.

Imagine...someone else thinks you're the biggest idiot to ever walk the earth and you just DON'T CARE because you KNOW it's not true!! You like yourself no matter what anyone else thinks!! Cool eh?

Thanks for letting me jump on your thread 🙂

kc

July 12, 2005
12:41 pm
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2B

You sound down today... Of course he had some good qualities. Everybody has some good qualities. If he beat you every time he saw you and locked you in a cage, you wouldn't have spent over 10 years with him... All of our ex's had some good qualities.. WE all want our ex back because of the good qualities. We feel like we should "settle" and be happy because we don't want to be alone and/or are afraid of the unknown. If you really think about it.... I mean really think about it.. If you were back with your ex and things were just like they were, would you truly be happy in a month or 6 months? If so, call him... Maybe things would be ok..... Or, maybe you would get a reminder of why you need to move on. Before you call, We need to give you a crisis hotline phone number in case it goes bad... I will give you mine..... :o)..

I'm 100% for whatever will make you happy... If contacting him will make you happy.. do it.... I won't think less of you.. nobody will...

For whatever it's worth..... I'm struggling with contact also.. I like to think it's another hill for me to climb that gets me one step closer to freedom if I just climb over it.... I was great to my ex.. I know that in my heart... I couldn't do anything more for our relationship.. From I have read about yours, you went above and beyond also. YOUR EGO DIDN'T GET IN THE WAY!! If they want us back, they need to change, not us.... They know how to get ahold of us...

hugs and kisses

Frayed..

July 12, 2005
12:54 pm
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Yeah, kc! This is a juicy thread, it has drama, intrigue, humor, sadness. Better than going to the movies. AND we are going to redevous in Orlando, FL in August. I looked into airfare and hotel yesterday. Should be fun. I don't know how we're going to do this with the anonymous rule, but I think we can make it work by saying we will meet at a certain public place at a certain time wearing your screen name. Sounds adventurous, doesn't it?

And kc--not just fixating on him, but THE relationship as well. All of it, anything that keeps you connected. Turnabout said it too--that it's scary to really let go, because of the unknown, and the unknown in ourselves.

I am not really down, Frayed. I just have to get it off of my chest and then I'm ok. And you are not dog sh**.

July 12, 2005
12:58 pm
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2b

First...sorry about the timing of my first post! I had gotten excited reading one of Turnabouts posts and didn't catch yours at the bottom, so I don't love how you are feeling! just the deep, introspective thinking that I was reading.

I know I say this all the time, but it's true so I'll say it again...what you are feeling is soooo normal and very healthy. Of course there were good traits in him! Remember, you were prepared to MARRY him and spend the rest of your life with him. You woulnd't have done that if he were a bad guy.

In some ways, it's lucky for you that it wasn't an ugly breakup but in other ways, it's almost harder because there is no obvious "bad guy" to blame it on. But there has to be someone to blame right? Because you are hurting and in pain and someone must be responsible...and if he's not a "bad guy"...it must be you!

Well, it's not true...just part of the grieving process...the need to lay the blame somewhere, but don't you believe it for a second. You may not be perfect, but who is? You are fine, exactly the way you are. And he has good qualities, and so do many, many other men. Men who may want the same things in life that you want.

It's hard in the thick of it...to understand that there is a bigger picture that we can't see. But trust that there is...this has happened because life has something better in store for you. It'll take awhile to see it, but it will come.

(((hugs)))

July 12, 2005
1:04 pm
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2B, Turnabout, etc.

I have been thinking of a way to meet in Orlando also. I have a question... are we going to keep our anonymity in Orlando? If not, I can give out a business P O Box # now. It's a generic box for a few business's I'm involved with (I'm the CPA/Accountant for all of these businesses) .. I pick-up the mail on my way to work... If anybody cares to, they can send contact information thru that and I would reply. Please give me your thoughts...

Frayed

July 12, 2005
1:19 pm
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Thanks kc--I really did know what you meant! There are some really good and healthy feelings here.

The blame is my hook right now. This is a tragedy, so there must be someone at fault, right? It is our nature as problem solvers and especially in the type of environment which I was raised to assume responsibility for something, or point a finger.

I do understand the desire to forgive, believe it or not--I am getting there. I like the idea of letting the hurts go. It's getting too dreary to hurt all of the time, and I am tired of not caring about anything. I have worn the same four outfits to work for the past four months! I want to care again! I want to look forward to taking a shower in the morning! The only way I see that I can begin to care is to forgive. To be ok with his decision to move on. To forgive myself, too. I need to forgive both of us. Is forgiveness the only possible way to get past the blame?

So, that being said...Maybe I'll start a forgiveness thread: I forgive you for...

Frayed: Hmmm? Where is turnabout? Should we consult sc on the po box idea?

July 12, 2005
1:34 pm
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frayedknot
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2B

Turnabout is online today.. Her boss is away...

Consult with sc?

I'm throwing the PO Box idea as a means of communication if you/turnabout/whoever else feels like it would be worthwhile to have some advance prep. No pressure intended.. If either you or turnabout want to and the other doesn't, that is fine also.... I personally don't have any fear of sharing my info offline... Also, maybe you or turnabout have another plan or idea? I'm completely open?

Frayed

July 12, 2005
2:01 pm
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turnabout
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kc,
I have enjoyed the support of everyone here, and especially a few who seem to be enduring similar stories to mine, but seeing someone describe themselves as being in the exact same place I am in during this recovery is SO TOTALLY AWSOME!!! I want to respond to your post more in depth. We'll have to chat, but for now...

2b-
I think I totally see where you are. I guess you've heard of the stages of grief (denial, pain, anger, acceptance, blah, blah, blah)? Yeah, they never meant much to me, either. Way too clinical for me to relate. But I find myself looking back on the last year as a series of stages. (That's when he hurt me ...That's when he enraged me ...That's when I was afraid of seeing him again ...That's when I tried to reconnect through forgiveness...)

When I was at the same stage I think you are in, I started reading all sorts of self-help books trying to get out of my funk. But, honestly, my motivation was trying to understand what went wrong with us; how he could do this to me. I may not have chosen the best set of books to read (like How to Win Friends and Influence People which was intended to aid me with my job hunt, but ended up being looked upon as a useful tool in communicating "perfectly" with him so he'd want to come back), but they did start shifting the focus back to me. I started looking at how the choices I made may have affected him. I focused less on blame. I realized that while he had hurt me, I had pushed him farther away through my dramatic reactions. I accepted responsibility for that and felt like a fool. It was at this point I started contacting him again as a means of taking responsibility for my role in all the craziness. I couldn't have helped how I felt, but I could have reacted better.

Eventually, though, I learned that I could have made many more mistakes than I did, and still wouldn't have deserved the way he treated me. We are human. We make mistakes. Relationships aren't about being the perfect person for someone else, but about being able to depend upon each another making a sincere effort at being there through the mistakes. He was able to depend on you, wasn't he? You know that's true if you don't know anything else. And since that's true, then you COULDN'T have messed up badly enough to have messed up the relationship. He did that. Give credit where credit is due.

It feels rotten, but it's a good stage you're in. You can almost see the horizon from there... maybe a tinge of the sunrise is coming into view.

July 12, 2005
2:04 pm
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turnabout
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I say we set a day, time, and a place. Each makes his/her own travel arrangments and creates his/her own t-shirt through a uniform standard. That's it. Anonymous enough? And first names only when in person.

Actually, I love the idea, but it's still pretty much a daydream to me. I haven't been at my new job very long. Not sure about vacation time. But it's buzzing around in the back of my brain!!!

July 12, 2005
2:18 pm
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Hello guys:

Turnabout, again, thanks for the understanding. I have spent so much money on books! And most of them at first were trying to figure out "what the fudge went wrong?" Eventually, I started buying books about self-improvement. See the turn?

I should have this tatooed on my arm: "We make mistakes. Relationships aren't about being the perfect person for someone else, but about being able to depend upon each another making a sincere effort at being there through the mistakes." Well said, turnabout. I feel that you know me better than I know myself!

How many games of solitaire are you up to today? I myself have been "chatting online with hot babes all day". (quote from Napoleon Dynamite)

I like the idea of setting a meeting time and place. I worry about breeching security here and don't want to ruin this resource for anyone--or any of us. Sorry if I seem paranoid. I was going to make my shirt with a GIANT 2b on the front, and strong on the back. I think with big red letters. I will probably fly out on Friday and return on Sunday night. How does that sound for everyone?

July 12, 2005
2:38 pm
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2B/Turnabout

I would drive down Friday afternoon or evening depending on what time you all planned on arriving. I would also leave Sunday afternoon. We could meet in the lobby of a motel with our shirts at a certain time? Or, I will have my car and be happy to provide taxi service from the airport. Or, we can stay in separate places and meet somewhere. I want everyone to feel comfortable and maintain whatever level of anonymity they desire... Not to push any gender buttons. Generally, ladies have more safety/security issues. And, I respect that completely.

I will have Frayed on the front of my t-shirt..

I don't need to make any flight plans, so, I'm pretty flexible. Just need a weeks notice (mostly for the t-shirt). Unlike 2B's brave proclomation, I really don't want to go there alone.. If I say I'm going, I will be there. Bank on it...

Frayed

July 12, 2005
2:42 pm
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turnabout
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You guys have taken up every spare moment. I'm addicted to these boards!! Oh, well.. back to normal tomorrow when the boss returns.

Speaking of these boards, did you know that posting here was when I first noticed I'd stopped obsessing so much over him? Instead of wondering about what he was doing or thinking, I caught myself thinking about the situations you guys were in and what I might say to help.. wondering how you were feeling.. and so on. It was my first REAL distraction from him in months. Now, I don't need it as a distraction, but I do love coming here and sharing with you guys. It's the kind of support my "live" friends couldn't give me.

Yeah, the more I think seriously about this, the need to preserve anonymity becomes clearer. I'm convinced we'd have to be verrry careful about all this. I not agin' it, now... don't go thinkin' that! LOL But referring to each other by our monikers might be best (even if we shared first names), and keeping the reunion short.. like just one day.. and NO alcohol, would be necessary to keep relations at the same supportive level they are now.

July 12, 2005
3:08 pm
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Hey all:

I know where I would be without these boards. Probably in jail for not being able to leave the ex alone. Or the asylum because my thoughts would keep chasing themselves around in my head like a dog chasing it's tail.

I don't look good in a straight jacket.

I have to do a bit more research on accomodations and airfare. I will try to do that tonight, and have some concrete plans tomorrow; like dates and things.

July 12, 2005
3:19 pm
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This posting board has been my largest form of therapy also. I have used it as a distraction from my ex. I posted here and read about all of the similarities amongst us.

Here's my thoughts regarding the meeting:

I think anonymity should be kept as controlled as any individual would like theirs to remain. Even if first names, etc were given out at the meeting, they shall not be shared on the site.. What happens in Orlando... stays in Orlando....

I'm looking at this as a fun time to get away with some wonderful friends I have met at this site. I think it would be fun to do touristy things... Share dinner... Go to a club... Or, just sit around a pool and share stories, etc. I'm very flexible and easy to get along with. I have been to Orlando a few times so I will let those who haven't been there decide what they would like to see.. When it comes to alcohol, etc. I think everybody is responsible for their own behavior..

As far as how many nights. We can decide that individually.. Just let each other know what we are planning.

I want whoever goes to enjoy themselves without any restrictions other than anonymity and their own personal preferences. It's a vacation....

Just my thoughts... not the gospel according to Frayed..

July 12, 2005
3:23 pm
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2bstrong
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Would this be crazy? What if one of us is the ex?

July 12, 2005
3:26 pm
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Frayed,

I was wondering about your marriage? How long were you married, and what is your perspective on it? You have 2 children? How does that work between you and your ex? I think of kc and what she is going through. She is making a conscious transition into healthy, single parenthood. None of my business if you don't care to share your feelings.--2b

July 12, 2005
3:29 pm
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frayedknot
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My heart skipped a beat until I realized it's impossible. My ex isn't pining over me..

You must be thinking of the song "Do you like pina coladas.... and getting caught in the rain", etc. LOL

July 12, 2005
3:51 pm
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2B

I was married 20 years. We separated June 2004 (Would have separated earlier, but, she was between jobs Unemployed for 7 months). Divorce was final in April this year..

I have three children..... 14,16,18.

Daughter is 18, Boys 14, 16.

Funny.. I have no feelings for my ex. She is in love and has been dating someone for the last 9 months. Stayed in that relationship way past the expiration date. She has some good qualities.. She is not being a good parent. My children are suffering from her lack of interest in them.. We just brought all of the bad rather than good qualities out of each other. Much more to tell in Orlando if you are interested... I'm pretty much an open book..

Frayed

July 12, 2005
4:05 pm
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frayedknot
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Turnabout

Did you bring your dog to work this afternoon?

Does the boss come back tomorrow?

Are you able to avoid your ex or do you run the same circles, etc? When was the last time you actually had a sighting?

Frayed

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