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2b, in response to the 'how are you' thread (ef)
July 20, 2005
1:13 pm
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2bstrong
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Just Lost: I THREW the keys off of the bridge. It was cathartic and sad at the same time. An end of a chapter.

Your pain is so fresh, and I read your story again yesterday--you invested a lot of yourself in the relationship. Kind of like going deep into the woods, the farther in you go, the longer it will take you to come out.

I am going to a Grief and Loss support group meeting tonight. I need so much! I need to hear how others have dealt with their losses. I need to know that I am normal (no snickering over there, frayed). I need to know that I can make it through this and I will be a better person because of it.

Come and talk--we're here.

July 20, 2005
1:16 pm
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Hi Everybody!

Meeting people from the site, is sort of a breech of guidelines... unfortunately.

It's not recommended that folks on the site meet. I'm not going to interfere further, except to say that what's said is said, and please say no more. In other words, I hope we can drop the topic and just 'talk about it' instead. ie: what 'could' happen as a result. How others feel about it. Does it breech anonymity?

Everyone's thoughts are welcome. But for now, I do ask that no more information about where & when to meet is exchanged.

Thanks. Have a good one everyone! I know no one means any harm here, so let's talk about it.

🙂

July 20, 2005
1:18 pm
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2B

I agree... Didn't want to put you off, however..

Just Lost

I'm so sorry about your struggle. I have had to fight the urge to find out what my ex is dong, etc. But, you have to look at what the outcomes could be. And, generally they aren't good. You now know this personally. Think of her as toxic to you. Any contact with her will have that affect. I once read where we as codependants get a powerful urge to do something. A feeling in the stomach, etc. This is a "codependent" urge. When we get these, let some time pass before acting out. Generally, the correct action or inaction will bubble up... Don't act on that "wild" wave of emotion that tries to overcome you. Fight off the urge.

Frayed

July 20, 2005
1:20 pm
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JL--Consider it history. DON'T DO IT AGAIN. IT IS NOT WORTH LOSING YOUR JOB! Find someone to call when you start having thoughts about doing surveillance or a "mission". They say a person considers suicide when they feel that they don't have adequate support resources--this is not as grave of a situation, but it is harmful to you. Haven't you given enough to this person?

I say this all of the time, my counselor calls what you are experiencing acute hysteria. This is when you need people the most. This is when you need to talk and talk and talk about it. Say it out loud, journal about it. Call a help line. Get it out.

I hope I don't sound harsh JL. Start thinking about you. Focus on you and focus on the healing process.

July 20, 2005
1:22 pm
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I not only saw her but I talked to her on the phone. I started calling at 7am. No answer. It just rang. Then I saw "him". He was walking around like he was looking for something. Probably me. Then at 8 am, I saw the garage door open and out came her car. The one I paid off. She immediately started calling me wanting to know what the problem was. I asked her where she stayed last night. After beating around the bush, she finally told me. Then she filled it with lies. She told me that the other man's wife was also there for the week but I never saw her. Once again, she claimed that they were just friends. I asked her for total truth and she said that was it. That's when she said I could forget about us because she had been done with us for months. She said that she was never going back there again. She didn't want to. That's when I told her to just tell me that she was sleeping with him. I told her it didn't matter to say it. She said that she couldn't tell me something that wasn't happening. That's also when she told me that she was considering taking a transfer with her company to another city. Then came the added insults. I asked where she slept if his wife was there. She said on the floor. I asked why. She said because the window was directly across from the couch and she figured that if I came up and looked in the window that I would see her there and freak out. I never would have looked in a window. That's when she said she wakes up 3 or 4 times a night thinking that I might be outside which I am not.

This morning, even the last holdouts that said they thought this could be worked out said it could not. The words of my attorney: "Stop talking to her. She can provide me with her new address. Show no interest in her or in her plans. She has forsaken the dignity of the marriage vows. There is no other relationship that you can have with her now that is not demeaning. Husband is the highest level of relationship that a man can have with a woman. Do not accept her attempts to degrade you the the status of a mere friend."

Friends, I am totally 100% on the edge of a total collapse. I will need to lean on you all for a while. I hope you do not mind. Please keep telling me the way it is because it's not getting through my thick skull.

July 20, 2005
1:29 pm
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Just Lost

All of the details you are gathering about her only make the process worse. It would hurt any of us to see what you are seeing. You are getting way too close to the fire... it's burning you badly.. step way back... turn and walk away from it.. You can't control how she feels regardless of your feelings for her. Accept what is and do your very best to concentrate on yourself..

Frayed

July 20, 2005
1:34 pm
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All:

Sorry to break in for a moment, but I want to make sure that everyone has seen the note posted above by SC. There concern by some that we are breeching the guidlines of this site by jeopardizing anonimity anad putting people in danger.

I have always felt that it wasn't an issue, and the it should be left to the discretion of the individual. Those from this site who would not be attending a real-live-in-person gathering will always maintain there anonimity, and the people who would be in attendance would remain anonymous to them.

That is all I have to say. I defer to the site coordinators request and I think we should respect it.--2b

July 20, 2005
1:39 pm
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2bstrong
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Darn! I wish this thing has spell check!

That's anonymity.

July 20, 2005
1:46 pm
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frayedknot
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I have seen the site coordinators request and also feel like it should be respected. I greatly appreciate the sensitivity in which the site coordinator has made his/her request.

I agree with 2B's second paragraph as well.

Does anyone feel it would be harmful to move the discussions which are a breech on this site to a different chat room or site and never discuss an event like this on this site again?

Frayed

July 20, 2005
2:00 pm
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kc30
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Hey guys- SC welcomed discussion on the "meeting thing"...I haven't known whether I should say much or not, but I did post on another thread and I'll put it here too (modified a bit!)

I don't worry about my anonymity being violated, or about the boards being compromised or anything like that. I was worried a bit (as was 2b) about the guidelines of the board being respected, but now that SC has clarified, I don't worry about that either.

Here's the one thing (I feel like a mother hen)

I don't like this "rendezvous" idea at all. I love all of you involved in it, but it seems rather dangerous to me. We only know what people WANT us to know on this board...and not everyone may be what they seem. This is how some predators and stalkers find their victims...pedophiles troll online chatrooms and pretend to be something they aren't just to lure a child into the open. See where I'm going?

I just hope everyone has their heads on straight. I'm going to stay out of it...I'm not comfortable with it at all. I would love to meet you all if you were exactly who you say you are, but I don't know that is the case. It's just a safety thing...and I've heard some really horrible stories come out of situations exactly like this.

I know Tracy actually did meet someone from the board before annonymity was stricter, and she said it was a great experience, so I'll hope for the same for all of you 🙂

Just play smart and stay safe. It is possible that not all here are what they pretend to be. It's easy to take people at face value annonymously, but you're actually putting yourself out there physically in this case. It just makes me nervous...so much so that I've actually thought about it in the evenings when I'm at home.

Now, I'm not saying anyone here is a psycho or a stalker or anything! I'm just saying...how would you really know? I could be a 62 year pervert for all you really know!!

Lots of love and just stay safe.

kc

July 20, 2005
2:09 pm
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Hi frayed--I would defer again to SC to remove the info from the boards. That would be fine with me, however, I am not changing my plans. I frequently travel alone--so this doesn't seem dangerous to me at all. I have not shared any personal information.

Kc--thank you for your insight. I read the comments posted on the other thread. Sorry to have made you worry about it. I tend to be pretty self-defensive--maybe because I live alone; and perhaps I am ignorant, but this does not frighten me a bit.

Anxious to hear more comments....

July 20, 2005
2:17 pm
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kc30
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I only share because I care! 🙂

Don't be sorry...part of me is envious that you will all meet...but the other part is worried. I'll feel much better when you're all back online afterwards and everyone is present and accounted for! LOL

You know...US press really sensationalizes violence there...perhaps I've just seen too much Fox News and CNN! haha

July 20, 2005
2:39 pm
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I completely respect and appreciate all of KC's comments. She has some very valid points that should be considered by all. I guess I feel like I am a trusting person. And, I'm 6' and 195 pounds. So, I could be the bad guy. In fact, I think I have been deemed that in another thread that I just read. I've always been able to take care of myself. Bad people hang out in churches... schools.. parking lots, etc. they even work with us.. Unfortunately, they also exist in chat rooms, etc. I've been fortunate and haven't been involved in any "physical dangers". The trip is completely voluntary and anonymity can be maintained as much as desired. The place is very large and extremely public. Therefore, I have no safety concerns for myself.

My bigger concern is the anonymity of sharing personal feelings on this board and the effect getting to know people on a personal level will have on this concept. Having said that, I hope to graduate from this board. It has done me wonders and I'm so thankful for it. I have made a lot of strides forward. I have met what I hope are some wonderful people. I have already trimmed my counseling appointments and moved forward quite well. Meeting some of the people who helped me in this process and care to meet me would be a nice memory from this site. My only future use here would be to check in and hopefully be a success story allowing me to give back to this board by encouraging others.

For what it's worth.... those are my opinions...

Frayed

July 20, 2005
2:52 pm
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kc30
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Hey frayed...
Anyone could be the bad guy! I could be the bad guy...how would we know. I'm new to these boards...I've never even been in a chat room...and I'm from a small town in Eastern Canada. I've been on a plane 3x in my life. And I'm terribly paranoid! 🙂

I've been giggling all afternoon at myself...imagining myself as a big, sweaty, bald, fat 62 year old pervert pretending to be some hot 30 year old pregnant lady. Sounds silly and it's hard for me to believe people do it...but I've seen the scary CNN stories, so I guess they do. 🙂

I hope I didn't hurt anyone's feelings (codependent checking in here) I just felt compelled to point out the safety factor. I am still a little envious too....

kc

July 20, 2005
3:10 pm
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KC.... I've never been in a chat room either. I came here because of the pain I was feeling and wanted to learn more about myself and what makes my ex tick. I actually stumbled onto this site through a search engine.. I think all things happen for a reason. I would never have been able to accomplish what I have had it not been for what I have learned here. Your first posts to me 4 or 5 weeks ago are what opened my eyes and set my healing process in motion.. Just because you are from a small town doesn't mean your thoughts and ideas arent "right on target".

For the record...... and your peace of mind... you haven't hurt my feelings...... :o)

Frayed

July 20, 2005
3:12 pm
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Frayed,

Well said! I too hope to graduate from these boards, I have felt a change this week especially, and since the beginning of this very thread. I have also trimmed my counseling, and am working diligently to move forward thanks to you most recently as my true inspiration. Perhaps because I see a mirror or myself in your situation.

Big hug and a kiss to you, frayed.--2b

July 20, 2005
3:17 pm
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I have never been in a chat room either! I have not sought out other forums. This is the only one. I communicate more with all of you than I do with my own family!

I don't remember how I found this place--I think I was doing a search on codependency. I remember being as nervous as heck to post and respond. Now I consider like sending my friends e-mails. I sometimes cannot believe this is possible, but I truly do care about all of you. It is a personal investment with a lot to be gained.

KC--You are so sweet. Definitely the guardian angel of us all in more ways than one. YOU DID NOT hurt my feelings--nor could you ever. 2b

July 20, 2005
3:25 pm
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2B

I can rewrite your post and send it right back to you..

You have made a lot of progress from the beginning of this thread. You spend so much more time giving out advice as opposed to seeking it. That, in itself, is a true sign of progress.

I also want to go to Orlando.
I'm hoping for a response from SC regrding your "deferral" to him/her regarding taking the discussion to a different site, etc. As I mentioned to KC in this thread... I don't know how to get to any other chat rooms?

Frayed

July 20, 2005
3:32 pm
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Frayed, I am not changing my plans, it's all nonrefundable. So I will still be there.

I must have misunderstood your post, I thought SC might remove this thread. Did you send an e-mail to SC?

I also hope you aren't planning on leaving these boards yet!!!!

July 20, 2005
3:39 pm
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hi 2b...wrote you back in LIBS.

July 20, 2005
3:41 pm
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2B

No.. I'm not planning on leaving here....

I didn't send an email to SC.. Earlier in the thread, I asked if anybody thought it would be harmful to move the discussions away from this board to another chat room or site. Therefore, respecting the SC's wishes. I thought your response was to defer to the SC regarding that thought. Now, I see what you were referring to was removing the thread... my bad...

Maybe that would be a good idea to send an email to SC and get some ideas from him/her?

I'm planning on going to Orlando...

Frayed

July 20, 2005
3:43 pm
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Hey frayed, I will send an e-mail asking SC if we can post an alternative message board on this thread. I had to re-read your original message. I found ezboard? I don't know what that is, but I would use my same moniker if at all possible. Will follow up...2b

July 20, 2005
3:52 pm
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2B

Sounds good.. thanks for following up with that..

Frayed

July 20, 2005
3:52 pm
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Google has a message board and it's free. I'm looking into it.

July 20, 2005
4:00 pm
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Hey guys.

That's the same as exchanging emails.

You both can do this, however I ask that if you do, you both leave the site permanent... unfortunately.

If you do this, anyone can do it, and it violates the boards all around in that fashion.

Please, I ask that the attempts at personal communications (away from these boards) discontinue for you both. The alternative is you can do an email exchange w/ me through email, then I ask that you both do not return to the site. I'm VERY SORRY!

SC

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