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2b, in response to the 'how are you' thread (ef)
July 19, 2005
11:59 pm
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turnabout
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Hey, ef... how are things tonight? Still crashing?

July 20, 2005
12:01 am
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littlebutterfly
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I remember my husband telling me he thought I was "cute" but that he "could never really consider me beautiful." That was 17.5 years ago.most recent was that he has "absolutely no desire to see me naked." Those are the kinder compliments. Now I see that someone who makes those comments is in a lot of pain. Although I know it was never about me (in my head) my heart still feels like it was stabbed by a red hot poker. I hope counseling will help me move past those feelings of hurt. But in the end I realize I chose to own his pain.

July 20, 2005
12:04 am
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exoticflower
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On and off, honestly. Like, I'll be fine and then all of a sudden sick to think that he could be e-mailing my daughters pictures to a new fantasy girl of his again, and I start wasting all of this energy hurting and then I shake myself out of it. But it does pop up every few hours, and when it does it's as strong as ever.

But. we're not having another call for a couple of weeks, so I have that time to get back togeather, and my hope is that each time I can snap back sooner and stronger.

How are you holding up this evening?

July 20, 2005
12:10 am
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exoticflower
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littlebutterfly, something else there is that you chose not to own your own emotions, that's something I am struggling with understanding lately. I know how hard it is at first, you get so used to blaming yourself, to look up and say 'you know...that was abusive'. For me, every time I would become hurt or upset, or would really lose it from his quiet manipulations to make me look terrible and glamourize himself, he would say to me that I was truly not well, that I made these things he did to me happen by reacting how i did (though he just refered to it as 'acting' the way I did). And I belieivved it, he was so loving and warm, eager to help. It's hard now to have to question so much of what I thought was his love for me and see where it was really his mistreatment. But it gets easier, and it starts to feel better. It takes time and a lot more pain in my case, but it was worth it, the fog of doubt and shame and helplessness is starting to lift.

July 20, 2005
12:20 am
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turnabout
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I'm in a strange place tonight, ef. A little sorry for myself, but combined with detachment, if that makes sense. I don't know.

You know what I find a little scary? As I become more detached from him, I'll catch myself NOT thinking about him. It should please me, but it doesn't really. Without him there, he's nowhere. And acknowledging he wasn't in my mind for a moment is almost like acknowledging emptiness. Logically, I know that he wasn't there b/c something more worthwhile (ANYTHING is more worthwhile) had filled my mind for a time. But this really is the end... the final letting go... and it makes me a little sad, I guess.

July 20, 2005
12:25 am
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Just Lost
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turnabout, it is sad. It's sad because it really is difficult to no longer see that person in your life. After pouring out so much of your heart, it sometimes feels like a waste.

July 20, 2005
12:32 am
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turnabout
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Yeah, that's when you start saying, "But he was such a part of my life. Not just IN it, but a part OF it. How did we get here? How is it I still feel like I'm in the twilight zone sometimes while he feels nothing?" These darn waves and cycles! The rise; The crash! ugh.

And yet, I don't feel like I'm missing anything. The reason he isn't here as part of my life anymore is b/c he was/is incapable of accepting the least accountability to another person. Being with him was sort of like a waking sleep anyhow.

July 20, 2005
12:36 am
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exoticflower
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Well, maybe it is a sort of closure? That is always sad...moving on and such.

This makes me think of a line from 'Alice In Wonderland' I think, one that ironically my ex quoted often (almost implies now that his withoholding of affections and thoughtfulness was very calculated)...

Something to the effect of 'Imagine me. If you do not imagine me I shall not exist.". If anyone knows the accurate quote, by the way...At any rate, maybe your feelings are something like that? I feel like maybe you are experiancing some guilt over not obsessing enough...maybe I'm way off, just what I kind of get, something I go through myself sometimes...like I am killing him off in my mind or something.

July 20, 2005
12:37 am
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exoticflower
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There is also what kc30 says so often about the drama, maybe the inner drama substiding seems somehow off to you?

July 20, 2005
12:43 am
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turnabout
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Hey lilb,

All those jabs will eventually wear you down. It comes from their lack of self-esteem... knocking you down b/c that's the only way they think they can keep you. If you believed in how good you really are, you would be off with someone else! They can't have that!

July 20, 2005
12:43 am
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Just Lost
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that is what crushes me most. that she feels nothing after 12 years. i'm sure that having another man helped her to forget me. even though we are still married.....

July 20, 2005
12:48 am
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turnabout
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You know, ef.. most of the time it is guilt over not obsessing enough. I've definitely experienced that. I don't know about this. I don't think it's guilt this time. It's loss.

July 20, 2005
12:54 am
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exoticflower
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Oh, turnabout, what can anyone say about loss except that it is hard and lousy? I'm so sorry you are feeling it strongly right now. ((((turnabout)))), I know you are not so much the hug-bracket type, but if I could give you a big real hug right now, I certainly would.

Just lost, I have a lot of that resentment and such right now towards my ex too, even as I am in the proccess of really letting go.

I suppose what we should all remember right now is that this too shall pass?

I'm off to bed, but i hope you guys (and myself!) can find a bit more peace tommorow and the day after that and so on...goodnight.

Oh, before I go...i have to say, we're all pretty in touch with our feelings right now, honestly working through them and such...I take it as a good sign, myself...:)

July 20, 2005
12:56 am
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turnabout
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Wow. 12 yrs, JustL? I may have missed that. I didn't realize. Heavens. You and 2b share that longevity adding to the loss. ... Oh, I see it now... 1993. I had concentrated on the marriage. I can't even imagine how upside down your lives must feel, yours and 2b's. I think the way a person can lead another on to believe they are invested, then turn around to act disinterested must be one of the great mysteries of the universe.

July 20, 2005
12:57 am
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Just Lost
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geez......the anxiety is squeezing the life out of me. wondering where she is. i just called one of her phones just to hear her voice on the answering machine. then i called her cell to see if it would ring or was turned off. wondering if she is lying there next to the other man......this is crazy

July 20, 2005
1:16 am
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turnabout
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Thanks exotic. How funny you noticed I'm not the hugs brackets type. I never noticed that! LOL ((((exotic))))) = Hugs backatcha!

Yes, feeling it and acknowledging it is definitely nice. One of the reasons why I had such a hard time in the beginning (and a long time afterward) was b/c I didn't feel I had a right to call what we had a "relationship". And if we didn't have a relationship, then I didn't have any real right to be upset. Our friends had no clue what was going on "behind the scenes", unless they were very perceptive. I think I'm starting to accept that it was all very real, whether it ever gets acknowledged or not.

JustL, mine is doing very well with the woman he chose over me... or, at least, he (and she) would have everyone think so. But he's a broken record. I've had the pleasure of witnessing her put on a brilliant act to hide her insecurity with him. On another thread, kc said something about eventually feeling grateful to her stbx's woman, and I feel a sense of that at times. If she hadn't come into his life, I would still be allowing him to make me miserable holding me down in mine. And their being together a year has given me time to grieve and get some perspective.

July 20, 2005
1:26 am
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turnabout
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And calling her, finding out where she is or who she is with, is going to give you some control over the situation?

No, JustL. Remember your post from the finding God (or hearing God?) thread.

One of my favorite Bible verses is Matt. 14;29. That one verse has the entire instruction for life for me. And when in a storm, this is what happens, and this is what you do.

July 20, 2005
2:10 am
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Just Lost
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I know it accomplishes nothing. I am at work which prevents me from doing anything. But it stills grips me....despite God holding out his hand to me

July 20, 2005
12:49 pm
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frayedknot
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2B

Calling the Grape is an intriguing idea... It might be a little too crazy of a place to do something like that.. If you would like, I could find a better public place for that form of an event?

I think I will begin looking for my "Frayed" shirt.. Don't want it to be a last minute hassle..

Frayed

July 20, 2005
12:57 pm
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Just Lost
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folks, I fell off of the wagon last night. I did something I should never have done. For some insane reason, I wanted to see it with my own eyes. See her with him. I hoped she wasn't but you know the outcome. I am embarrassed. I called people in the middle of the night for help after I saw. I woke them up for nothing. guys, i am a total, and i mean total, wreck

July 20, 2005
1:06 pm
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Just Lost
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frayed, if we knew each other in real life, I would have been callin you like crazy around 6 this morning. i was in your neck of the woods searching for answers

July 20, 2005
1:07 pm
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2bstrong
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Frayed--I was just kidding! Will have to wait for our AAC gathering in FL to talk.

Just Lost...
You have experienced Toxic Contact. I kept a set of keys to the ex's house for awhile--would do covert missions so to speak when I knew that he wouldn't be home. I through the keys off of a bridge about 3 months ago. It was just so terrible. It will be so painful to let go lost, but it's only temporary. Eventually the pain of letting go will transform into pain of grieving the loss and believe it or not, that is a very healing pain. Exotic and I were talking about that on this thread earlier this week.

It's so early for you, I know how hard it is, I have been there. I was with my ex for ten and a half years. There is a lot to let go of, I know for you too. But you have to begin somewhere.

Maybe today is the day. Come here and talk about it. Read the threads--read how others are dealing with the same things that you are.

July 20, 2005
1:08 pm
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tracylyn
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Oh my gosh Lost - you are torturing yourself.

Make a promise to yourself NOT to ever do that again. What I do in those instances is stop and ask myself what I am hoping to gain or to find. What will the outcome be and how will I fell if my worst fears are confirmed. Usually if I can honestly answer those questions then I stop myself from the insane impulse to hurt myself. Cause you know, that's all you are doing now.

Ok, so you saw her. Now what? What steps can you take now to heal? Try to turn your energies back to you and focus on healing. You'll get there....I promise, it's a slow process but you will.

t

July 20, 2005
1:11 pm
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tracylyn
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Hey 2B - when is this trip to Orlando? I didn't have time to scroll thru the threads to find out.

Sounds like it will be a blast though.

t

July 20, 2005
1:12 pm
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Just Lost
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2b

I was bad. I went on one of your "missions." I could have lost my job for doing what I did.

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