Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
26 years of marriage, do I stay or do I go?
April 16, 2007
3:31 pm
Avatar
yamamama
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
April 16, 2007
4:26 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Hi yamamama,

Can you say a little more about your situation?

April 16, 2007
4:42 pm
Avatar
caraway
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Have they been 26 good years? Marriage shouldn't be some test of endurance.

Cary

April 16, 2007
6:43 pm
Avatar
sleepless in uk
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey Yamamama

Please tell us more.

April 16, 2007
10:13 pm
Avatar
yamamama
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have been married for 26 years,
two sons together, no other kids,
sons are 26 and 23 , 26 year old still living at home, Just started paying rent, no sense of money, loves to spend it and goes to work everyday. Youngest in the Airforce and very responsible. In Koreo right now for a year and is expert in K9 .
Husband has become very close to a group of friends that determine our entire social lives. I have nothing in common with the wifes, they dont or cant work and the husbands are constantly in financial burdens. I have worked our entire marriage, I
learned to ride a motorcycle and have my own so we could share this together, no grandkids.. at first it was great but now every move is determined by these friends.They always have negative issues in their lives and it brings me down. My husband refuses to let us be a couple without them, breakfast every weekend Sat and Sun , dinner every Friday night. He is never on my side,
I never feel like he has my back covered on any issue and I'm tired or
constantly begging for his attention.
I need two things, 1) a husband who makes me feel that he is proud to be my husband, and 2) someone who works with me and not against me. We are in a seperation mode right now for the 2nd time in the last 4 months. I have always felt like the outsider ,
me against the 3 men I lived with, they all rarely ever on my side with any issus. This is our time and we should have it all sorted out by now, but I just can't live with someone another day who does not appreciate me, and I know that he is not going to change, it's like I can't let go because I have lost and I think he could change if he really wanted to keep me. I always go back and things are good for a few weeks then we are right back at it again.
PLease help me sort this out, I can't keep doing this. I feel so helpless in all of this.

April 17, 2007
11:40 pm
Avatar
broken hearted woman
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

been there done that. sorry to hear though. married 23 years to a alcholic. 3 boys and one grandchild. mine has come and gone 5 times in the last 3years. says this is it and not coming back each time. somehow i let him back. I love this man dearly but he choses his bad habits and supportive addicted friends over his family.I finally took legal action, and guess what? he has moved out on his own and has a girlfriwnd before divorce is even final and thinks there is nothing wrong with it? Who figures? he has been gone only 5 weeks and every day i still struggle. It doesnt seem fair.Mid life crises or just stupidty and cant handle the hurt pride and lost of respect from thos wo care the most about him? I will always love this man but i know i must move forward and deserve better. not a day goes by though that i wish he was still in it. everyone says it will get better. chin up and put yourself first. You cant fix anyone but yourself.he has to want to help himself.that what everyone tells me anyway.

April 18, 2007
12:13 am
Avatar
yamamama
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Mine does not drink or do any drugs, he does smoke cig. which I gave up one year ago Jan. He works and he
comes home and spends time with his friends, I can't be friends with these people. I learned to ride a bike to be with with him , but all these friends are all part of that too. I'm ready to decide ... I am worthy of a man's attention and I am
worthy of a good relationship . He deserves to be happy also, but he wont save what that means to him. He is such a victim....Try reading some good self helf books about divorce and facing your fears. Also, watch THE SECRET that was shown on Oprah, the law of atraction is amaseing. I hope this helps, and lets help each other out thru this...

April 22, 2007
8:29 pm
Avatar
desperate and lost
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

my husband recently had surgery and became addicted to pain pills, during this time we were fighting and he started confiding in a female co-worker. Started acting like he didn't luv me anymore. married happily for 25 yrs until this. went to rehab and said when he came home that he loved me and wants to be home but since then he has been very depressed and he won't talk about our issues. says he has to get better from his addiction first before he can deal. says he won't call her or talk to her again, not sure if i believe him. I am so hurt don't know what to do? does he want her? I feel like this is what the depression is about, everyone says it's about the drug recovery, but he's distant, irritable and non affectionate unless he wants sex. what should I do, Leave or stand behind him?

April 22, 2007
8:40 pm
Avatar
mamacinnamon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

yamamama:

Powerful message you gave above. Did you give him the same? I have to admit I feel like you more and more. I try; he tries; he doesn't; I feel hurt. I know what I need to do, it's just doing it. I think you may have just given me a few of the reasons I cannot let go also. I have other issues as well, but I want so much for my marriage to work. (2nd). I know that if they do not want to change then it won't change.

I'm truly sorry for your ordeal. I know how you feel. I am interested in what your move will be.

April 22, 2007
10:31 pm
Avatar
readytobefree
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Yamamama,

It sounds as though you are definately struggling with trying to live a life that you have built together but you are being bogged down by these negative friends.

It is surreal for me to hear of others in these situations and to know that I am not alone, and to hear that others are struggling with the same issues that make ME feel crazy in my relationship of 17 years. I know I don't want to be facing the same struggles in 10 years or even 1 year!! It has been a vicious circle far too long.

It is hard when you love someone so much and you are willing to dedicate your life to sharing it with them, however they are unable to see that and unable to reciprocate by making choices that make it able for you to see their level of dedication to the marriage. You think if only we could get rid of problem A, things would be different and then comes problem B, whether it be friends, family, addictions, whatever the case may be, there is always an obstacle.

Life is hard but we do not have to make the choices to make it harder than it has to be. Right now my husband and I are seperated and I think back to all of the times throughtout the years that I just simply wanted his attention, I wanted to feel a connection with him that fed my emotional soul. At times we had it but there is always something to contend with...negative friends, family members dragging you down, work issues, money issues, drugs. I have felt so "boring" over the years for lack of a better word, because I chose to not participate in the drama and chaos, hence losing my appeal until the sh*t hit the fan and I was there to swoop in and clean up the mess.

I am good at that...as I am sure many of you are. Taking back that person you love so much, you see so much potential in, and taking care of fixing all of the issues that went wrong along the path of destruction.

But the older I get, the more I realize that others do not learn the consequences if someone is always making it all better for them. And as ironic as it is, I am the "idiot", as my husband called me today, because I can't speak to him without having a "tone" in my voice. He feels mothered.

Well...my thought is, I guess if you stood up and acted as an adult should and you were able to take care of your responsibilities then we would not have this type of codependent relationship, now would we?? As hard as it is, I am trying to set healthy boundaries, I am trying to just listen when he goes on and on and not act, not offer assistance. Of course he doesn't like this either, I appear disinterested!! Sometimes I really feel like I just can't win for losing.

Anyways...enough of my story. I feel for you, I have empathy. You want to feel the love of your husband and know they are in your corner. As non judgemental as I can be, this group of friends sounds negative and it typically isn't a good thing to surround yourself with this environment. It doesn't sound like you are asking for anything outrageous....and it must be hard to be the only female in a the family with three men. You have to be honest with yourself and take steps to feel better for you. It is hard to watch someone you love choose to go another route, especially when you want to share your route with them.

I am thinking of you. I hope the two of you can sort through this and continue with healthy steps in your marriage...but if not, I hope you are able to find peace with your choices and feel happiness within yourself to live life.

April 28, 2007
1:04 am
Avatar
Cooper
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

D&L, I know what you are going thru and it is not easy. My STBX used alcohol instead of drugs. Knew he was drinking too much but he wouldn't quit. He had a fling with a coworker, said they were friends at first, found out later it was more. I tried, he didn't, he said he loved me, but continued to keep going back to TOW to talk. I couldn't take it any more and decided to take a job elsewhere, even went back once to see if things could work. Found him more drunk and he had other women. So this was my wake up call. It was over after 28 years together. I am better for it now, but still worry about how he is and who will take care of him. I have to let go. His drinking and the other women was tearing me apart, along with his abusive behavior when drinking.
You will know when you have had enough and then you will decide what you have to do. Remember it is about making you number one and being happy for a change. The hardest lesson I have learned in all this mess, is I have to be happy and I can not take care of other peoples problems any more.
good luck and hugs to you.

April 28, 2007
11:59 pm
Avatar
yamamama
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

UPDATE:::
I filed paperwork to start our divorce on Monday, I feel great, I was a good mother and a good wife and I want to always remember that. It is not about me, he has the issues that he will not deal with . I've decided and I'm not second guessing myself. I bought a new car today, my name, my payment, I've worked my entire life and this is my first brand new car, held the same job for over 14 years, I am using the law of attraction, thoughts are things and I am creating my own happiness. I honestly feel like a new woman, at 49, free to create my future. My relationship with my husband has been good so far, we have been decent to each other and I will continue to try to respect him. We spent half our lives together and we should treat each other with respect. We have two great kids, now adults, and I am going to remember all the good stuff. Once I decided, I decided and my counselor told me not to look back. SHe has been doing her job for over twenty years and told me she would not take my husband as a client, it would be a waste of time. HELLO, he is not going to change, and he is who he is. I have exected that and I am not responsible for his happiness. He is the only one who can change that. THanks for all your input,and I can tell you that I am at a very good place right now. Read books that help you get on your own path, and follow it.... Good luck to all of you. I wish you all the best. and I am very blessed to have found this web site for all your support.

April 29, 2007
4:39 pm
Avatar
atalose
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 18
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

desperate,

Had you husband had any other addictions prior the pain pills? Has alcohol ever benn a problem, other drugs or even work as an addiction?

It is hard when you are trying to deal with one issue and another is getting in the way. He may not be able to right now focus on you and repairing the marriage if the addiciton was so over powering to him. How long had he been addicted? Besides him becoming close to a female co-worker what other things arose because of his addiction to pain pills?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
29
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110914
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38536
Posts: 714200
Newest Members:
Striker1s, marcusz, Keara, Venn, Jolebio, loni89
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer