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21 Days...
January 5, 2002
5:54 pm
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Ariella
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I have a question . . . How does one do something like this when the obsession is not a boyfriend, but a professor/instructor at the college you attend? I mean, it's possible for me to do the similar things, but it's more than likely I will see him in the hallway. It's not as though I call him . . . but yeah, there's e-mail. Do I just do the same thing?

Also, we're on break so if I start now, it won't actually be fair since there's no temptation to see him, since I can't anyways. The semester starts up on the 22cd . . . and I have dance with this profressor, something I don't want to give up. (Dance, that is.) I love folk dancing . . . Can I still continue dancing even though he's the instructor? I really don't want to give it up . . . Sometimes I feel like I should just quit the school altogether and go to another college, but that's so much . . . then I'd have to find another job, since I work there, too.

I don't know . . . My plan was when school started to stay away from him as much as possible. We won't have dance right away, if at all, since the room we dance in is under construction, so that may may things easier . . . Any advice is appreciated.

Another thing . . . How does one tell an obsessive relationship from a normal one??? Me and my boyfriend have broken up twice in the three years we've gone out . . . Does that mean our relationship is obsessive, too? I hope not . . . We are getting along much better these days. We still argue, but it's not like it was over stupid things. I'm trying not to take my anger or sadness out on him, etc. I'm trying to walk away when I'm angry, sad, etc. and talking when calm. I'm trying to accept him for who he is, with all his quirks and idiosyncracies, and I think we will do okay . . . He's willing to go to a CODA meeting, if I can find a group in the community, too.

Any advice very appreciated . . .

January 8, 2002
2:49 pm
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vivcav
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Ariella,
I too got involved with one of my instructors back in college and regretted ever making that choice. We see too often on TV or read in books how romantic a situation like this is. And we fall for it. Look before you leep this is probably more complicated than you think or are willing to admit to yourself(married, older, another commitment) Be careful and be honest with yourself.

January 8, 2002
3:40 pm
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Molly
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There is another person on these threads that has something similar going on, and its a struggle. Ever heard the term its all in your head ?
Attitude is every thing, and your thinking about a fantasy. That is all it is, not to come true, not to act out on, just some little game in your head. that is all it is. You can entertain it till your so frustrated that you can't see straight, or you can accept it for what it is. sorta like window shopping, you can't have every thing.
It doesn't sound like your relationship is obcessive , breaking up twice in three years, isn't bad, its all about balance.

January 14, 2002
11:04 pm
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vivcav
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Does the 21 days apply to the ex too? Caller Id is the greatest invention in this situation. The ex calls at least >6x's per day...still. I am amazed at the persistence of some people. It's taken all my strength not to pick up the phone and tell him off but what good will it do? It means he still controls my actions/reactions to him and he will never take responsibility for his actions and I cant make him either. According to him I was/am such a fu*&^%$ c*nt then why does he keep calling? Go figure.

January 15, 2002
12:47 am
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gypsygirl
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report him for harrassment, that will teach him to keep calling

January 15, 2002
9:56 am
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vivcav
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I love the suggestions. Ex is good friends with a close family member and for some reason decides he wants me to find out he is seeing another women who happens to be everything he "needs" that I never gave him and is there for him like I never was. Apparetly this women is from another country and speaks some English and seems to think he is such a nice man and he knows she wouldn't hesitate being with him. I find myself getting very angry with this bit of information how do I not get sucked back into the codependency stuff. I tell myself to remember all the verbal abuse and the incident of physical abuse which he says doesn't count because he was drunk and I set him up. It just plain makes me angry. How do I "get over it".

January 15, 2002
10:27 am
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gypsygirl
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Can I do this 21 day thing with a seven year old? Or do I have to wait for 11 more years?

January 15, 2002
11:28 am
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gingerleigh
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If the seven year old is of your loins (or adopted to be of your loins), that's a nope, 11 more years to go before you can get on the 21 day plan 🙂

January 15, 2002
11:31 am
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gypsygirl
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Damn, cause I can't take much more of his crap. I am at a loss for what to do.

January 15, 2002
12:01 pm
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Molly
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trust me it doesn't work on people from your own womb. What is he doing that is making you crazy, besides being 7. My neighbor did a half hour dump on the same subject, perhaps we can all dump some of our techniques on you to what , get him out of bed and in school, it takes pain to motivate us, 7, or 72. Not to forget that 20 minuets is like a year, but how about no TV, or someting like that, time out, or treating him like a baby, its not all that hard, its just that when mom is on the edge, every thing that they do is less tolorable.

January 15, 2002
5:34 pm
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gypsygirl
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He got very angry this morning and ended up staying home(that is bad I know) He was throwing things at my sister. i cant take TV away cause he does not watch it anyway. I took away his most prized possesions, his skate board and scooter and outside privliges. We had a talk about things today, and last night. I need my therapy appt sooner, tomorrow is not soon enough. I can't drive him to school cause my stupid truck has gotten mad at me and threw a fit and wont work. I am still not taking my meds, but feel more normal without them. I can't deal with life anymore when I take them. I am very frustrated at everything. And to top it all off Angel has been as sweet as can be al day long. I can't stay angry at him.

January 15, 2002
5:49 pm
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Molly
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Is he worried about you ?????????????

I say he gets one more chance, try languaging it to him this way, your job is to be the mommy, and his job is to go to school. part of your job is to make sure he gets to school.
Make a schedule for him, thus making it his responsibility, he must get up at, and he sets the alarm clock with you when you tuck him into bed, then he goes to the bathroom, and potties, and brushes teeth, washes face, then he gets his clothes on, which the two of you put out the night before when you are putting him to bed, then he gathers what he needs to take with him, then joins you at the breakfast table, 1,2,3,4,5, you can tell him to set the clock 15 minuets early so you two can have special time together, and of course the schedule actually starts the night before when he is to be in bed, like 8-830 and if he can't go to sleep, its ok to read a book.
Structure, then you don't need to worry about your un cooperative car, kids need it, we need it. Makes life simple. Repeat to him don't do to other people what you don't want done to you throwing things is for adults only, har har har.........
No you can't tell him that its a mommy joke. Staying home from school can't be fun either, that sucks but when its your choice its different, when he screws up, its bed all day, the take aways, it was only for a day or two right ? they really still don't have the concept of time, and you can't be mommy dearest, until he is a teen, if he lives that long, mother's option, har har har

January 15, 2002
6:19 pm
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gypsygirl
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he is feigning to go outside right now, ha ha ha, little monster has to stay inside and draw. He is drawing out the story of when he was in texas and his dad's neighbor's dog got ran over by a car. How sad:( I admit that I did not get out of bed this morning untill my sister came and told me that he was throwing things at her. I babysit my neice at night cause my sister works at night then she comes in the morning and drives the kids to school. I was extremely tired this morning, did not sleep well last night. But maybe he is just worried about me. He knows that I am not working and that we have no money, and that I wont be going back for a while. Maybe he just knows too much about what is going on in my life. I told him that if he keeps missing and being late for school that he will have to do first grade over again. He does get good grades though, He is ahead of his class in the brains department. I am soo confused about what to do for him. I can't get help from his father financially or otherwise, because he is a guest of the state in texas right now, I can't call his grandparents for help because his grandma is on the list for a liver transplant. I need their help right now and I do not get it from anywhere. I feel so alone in this situation with him right now.

January 16, 2002
12:08 pm
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gypsygirl
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He was the sweetest little thing this morning, up and dressed and ready to go early, excpet he did get mad when there were no more breakfast hot pockets left for his cousin.

January 16, 2002
12:20 pm
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Molly
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don't fall again for that cute little boy trick, its just practice for when they get older, har har har. I think that is how they do make it till 18, just have their moments, where you go how the heck could I have really gotten angry at this helpless angel, that is until the next time. That sounds like a good arangement, with the sis helping, just don't know why those hot pockets don't multiply in the cuppard like the dust bunnies do, hmmmmmmm science project for him

January 16, 2002
12:29 pm
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gypsygirl
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My sis told me today that he tried to hit her with his skate board. ugh. I think that he is picking up things from his cousin, she is a bratty thing that tells nothing but lies and treats my sis like crap. I think there is more to it though cause she actually believes the stories she tells. She was once on meds but my sis is very much in denial.

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