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21 Days...
December 19, 2001
2:49 pm
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gingerleigh
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So how are all our little 21 day plan-ers doing today? Y'all still with us?

(For those who have no clue what I'm talking about, we're proposing a new "program" for people who are trying to get out of an obsessive breakup relationship... 21 days of no contact with the man/woman (ex) you are obsessing about and things should seem much brighter)

December 19, 2001
2:56 pm
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lyn
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gingerleigh,

this is a great thread it's like a 21 day check in plan, i'm at 12...I just posted my progress on the "i need help not to call" thread. Obsessive relationships stink they do nothing for your self esteem but weigh you down...I'm slowly starting to find me... i think i lost a part of myself a long time ago my friends noticed it, my family i wasn't fun and outgoing anymore i was afraid and quiet because i didn't want him (the ex) to be mad at me..I was living my life through his..let's not kid ourselves it's only been 12 days but i'm looking forward to 12 more...

December 19, 2001
3:32 pm
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Molly
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On the first day of detox, I gave my self to me, the first time in years I could clearly seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

On the second day of detox, I cleaned out my crap, and I gave my self to me, the first time in years I could clearly see.

On the third day of detox, I found my inner voice, I cleaned out my crap, I gave my self to me, the first time in years I could clearly seeeeeeeeee

On the fourth day of detox, I enjoyed the silence, I found my inner voice, I cleande out my crap, I gave my self to me, the first time in years I could clearly seeeeeeeeeeee

On the fifth day of detox, I met an old friend, I enjoyed the silence, I found my inner voice, I cleaned out my crap, I gave my self to me, the first time in years I could clearly seeeeeeeeeeeee

On the sixth day of detox I listed my new intentions, I met an old friend, I enjoyed the silence, I found my inner voice, I cleaned out my crap, I gave my self to me, the first time in years I could clearly seeeeeeeeeeee

On the seventh day of detox I felt really free, I listed my new intentions, I met and old friend, I enjoyed the silence, I found my inner voice, I cleaned out my crap, I gave my self to me, the first time in years i could clearly seeeeeeeeeeee

On the eighth day of detox I did an inventory, I felt really free, I listed my new intentions, I met and old friend, I enjoyed the silence, I found my inner voice, I cleaned out my crap, I gave my self to me, the first time in years I could clearly seeeeeeeeeeeeee
On the ninth day of detox, I finally went to the gym, I did and inventory, I felt really free, I listed my new intentions, I met an old friend, I enjoyed the silence, I found my inner voice, I cleaned out my crap, I gave my self to me, the first time in years I could clearly seeeeeeeeeeeeeee

On the tenth day of detox I spoiled me, I finally went to the gym, I did an inventory, I felt really free, I listed my new intentions, I met an old friend, I enjoyed the silence, I found my inner voice, I cleaned out my crap, I gave my self to me, the first time in years I could clearly seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

On the eleventh day of detox I tossed his crap out too, I spoiled me, I finally went to the gym, I did an inventory, I felt really free, I listed my new intentions, I met an old friend, I enjoyed the silence, I found my inner voice, I cleaned out my crap, I gave my self to me, the first time in years I could clearly seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

On the twelveth day of detox, I got it,don't need a him, I tossed his crap out too, I spoiled me, I finally went to the gym, I did an inventory, I felt really free, i listed my new intentions, I met an old friend, I enjoyed the silence, I found my inner voice, I cleaned out my crap, I gave my self to me, THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS I COULD CLEARLY SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

December 19, 2001
3:47 pm
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artist 2
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Well, I'm doing great because this prince of a man (my friend) came to me when I needed him most. He cooked for me, he stroked me, rubbed my back, held me, and made love to me in the most tender of ways... So, consequently he's made my ex look like dirt... and I've hardly had time to miss him. Though I do still have feelings for my ex, they are of fear, pity and of sadness. My friend asked me about my feelings, and do I miss him. I do not miss him, and hope to never see him again. But, I still wonder why he could have hated me so much to hit me. I still wonder what we would have been like had he not. It's been 23 days for me.

December 19, 2001
4:10 pm
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guest_guest
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hehe mollYYYYYYY

December 19, 2001
4:27 pm
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artist 2
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Did I just say I missed him, but did not miss him? What is that?

December 19, 2001
4:39 pm
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gypsygirl
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careful not to replace the old with the "old" in new clothes

December 19, 2001
4:46 pm
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gingerleigh
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Good for you, my little jelly beans.

Lyn, rock on. So glad to hear that you are enjoying opening your eyes to who you are and getting yourself back.

Artist 2, you also sound very happy. A word of caution... please be careful that you do not end up putting your new friend back in the position of power that your ex was. As mentioned in other threads, sex can really muck things up when one person thinks it's sex just for sex or just for the experience or the closeness and the other person falls in love. Many great friendships are ruined that way. Just be careful. Make sure that you are filling yourself up in other ways than just with the company of another man, whether he is just a "friend" or not. *hug*

Molly, I see that I am not the only composer on the threads. I about peed myself. Very creative, funny, and above all right on the money.

December 19, 2001
5:42 pm
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artist 2
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Thanks Ging... I'm being very cautious - and it feels GREAT to be taking care of myself! I don't feel like an amoeba anymore, all squishy, shape changing to fit, and no-necked... It feels good. And, I cannot allow myself to fall in love - I'm in protective mode, and it can't happen (this is such a relief to realize). But, it's also GREAT to be reminded to fill myself up with lots of stuff that's not men or man related. Thanks!

December 19, 2001
5:56 pm
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Molly
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On the 23 day of detox, I finally got laid. ugh ugh I second that opinion of Gingerleigh's, be careful, the 21 days is just for detox, not the complete healing, which, I think is depending on how long, and intense the relationship was. Sure you miss him but don't miss him, just like that favorite pair of shoes, that went perfect with that dress, but oh, yea, they gave you blisters, they were so cute, and you paid so much for them, but they are gone.... and your feet are happier for it.
I really don't think you should take it personal that he hated you enough to hit you, there are so many different possibilities, that created that situation, it demonstrated his coping skills, is the way I see it.
Circumstances, timing, the wrong mix, to bring out his character. He may have observed his father, watched to many B movies, surge of testerostone, but you got away, you are free, you learned and are learning to see deeper, and to be more careful who you give your heart to.

December 20, 2001
11:54 am
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artist 2
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Molly, I've learned now and finally not to give my heart away - even though it may feel good at the moment, the self-respect and the honor of self, comes with giving myself the CHOICE of who to give it to.. long sentence, but you know what I mean. To hold off and hold back the heart feels so much better than tossing is in someone's path...

December 20, 2001
12:03 pm
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Molly
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Sounds like you got it !!!!

December 20, 2001
4:38 pm
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lyn
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day 13 some doubt set in for a little while today i thought about him but realized how far i have come and realized that i can't give that up...i need to keep focused look straight ahead don't look back... Don't think for one moment i don't sit here and sometimes wonder if he's dating someone else (is that why he hasn't called i think to myself) but then i try to erase those thoughts and focus on something else.straight ahead is all i keep saying.. boy this is a lot of work... i know i know it will pay off in the end..gosh i wish this pit in my stomache was gone already and these thoughts of him were gone...ugh....

December 20, 2001
5:57 pm
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artist 2
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Forward march! Think of all that's ahead... and what you are leaving behind... Yea!

December 20, 2001
6:04 pm
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Molly
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So, what if he is dating some one else if he was a keeper you would have kept him. Like wish we could put letters on their heads. If he is dating she is just a potential victim. Ask your self why you want to relive pain, and bring it into your future, find something joyful to think about. Like you.

December 20, 2001
6:20 pm
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gingerleigh
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Yay Lyn! If you have these questions pop up, and want to contact him, just ask us instead. We'll give you answers, just like Molly did. Keep it up, we're all so proud and happy for you.

December 26, 2001
3:13 pm
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lyn
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ok boys and girls, on day 15 of detox does it say anything about taking one more hit because that is exactly what i did... Although i wasn't a mess when i spoke to him for once i have become slightlly addicted again..I already called him 3x at work coming up with different excuses every time what is wrong with me...i definately have an addicted personality.. I can't just speak to him and that's it i have to call him constantly once we make contact again..
It makes me so upset, and now he knows he has control i sent him an e-mail ofcourse he did not respond.. ugh he constantly plays games with me and i got upset when we spoke on the phone slightly and he's like this is exactly what i'm talking about you are so emotional...i just felt like saying we broke up tough guy that hurts... i don't know needless to say it won't be so hard not to call him this time..it's getting easier every day but i'm really upset that he won't return my e-mail...so pissed.

December 26, 2001
7:18 pm
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Molly
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Yea it works with those people from your womb, but I don't think 21 days is enough, I waited 21 days, and just like the gals here got all my honey dripping words turned to shit, they used my action of silence as rejection, and what ever I said was a trigger for war, so let them be. I am now on day 9 of all over again, and feel much better about it than I did the first time around. I don't know sometimes I think they watched us take crap from the men in our lives, and guess what they learned, that we should take theirs, and beg for more, never thought my toughest co-dependency lessons would be over my daughters, ugh ugh people from my womb, but surprise surprise. I am feeling freeer, and lighter. With a snear of when and just why they will call when they do. Success is still the best revenge.
Lyn, I think we are just going to let you stew over that e-mail, you asked for it you have it, you knew he would go game master with it, and well there ya go. Wanna quarter so you can call him again ???? Slap slap slap, let me know when you've had enough, ugh slap, slap, slap, ok it was Christmas, you're forgiven, but no more, or look out.

December 27, 2001
8:41 am
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harmonygirl
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lyn, are we dating the same guy????? It's too eerily similar. I'll send my boyfriend emails and he totally ignores me and can't understand why I get upset about it. He also says women are too emotional.
Why does it seem to be the women who go through this crap??? Men seem to be able to break up and move forward without looking back. No regrets, no tears, not doubts. I wish I could understand that. My boyfriend looks at it as "We had the time together, we had fun, now it's over." The end. Finished. Over. Done.
I, on the other hand, will piss and moan and call and email and cry and whine and not eat or sleep for days. I'll literally make myself sick, mentally and physically. I just don't get it.

December 27, 2001
8:56 am
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lyn
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so obviously i spoke to the ex like 5x yesterday I went right back into my addiction... I sent his family flowers for x-mas but they never got them so I did need to call him about that, but then i just started calling him at work oh... he was pissed... what is wrong with me..I just want him to love me again i want him to notice me.. I do all these things so he will notice me and so i can get his attention once he lets me in i go for the kill no matter if it kills me...He said to me you are a great girl if i had a friend to hook you up with i would...that made me sick to my stomache... sooo sick... I know he said it just to piss me off, but still that is gross, why can't i just let him go...i'm very anxious today i want to call him i want to make everything ok...but it only makes it worse...I'm dating a wonderful guy right now he is everything i could ever ask for he's so into me...He doesn't call me fat, stupid or ugly but yet i still long for the a-hole... What is wrong with me... wait don't answer that i know but why can't i process it...i get this terrible feeling in my heart when i think about him...i miss him but he was so abusive...i can't take this anymore...

December 27, 2001
2:10 pm
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wallace
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Lyn, there are so many of us who can identify with you - including me. It's a real battle not to keep calling him. Its a deep emptiness inside that I think only he can fill, but when I call him, he doesn't. I just feel more desparate.

December 27, 2001
2:16 pm
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lyn
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wallace ugh this stinks... when i call he's horrible... he's mean and rejectful I went 15 days without talking to him and then the darn holidays came along...will this terrible cycle ever stop..I miss him right now...i want him to call me up and be nice but suprise he never will?? ugh the irony of it all. well it's always nice to hear from someone who can relate... there are many of us here..

December 27, 2001
5:00 pm
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Molly
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lyn, he has your number, and the more you call, the more you e-mail, the more power he gets. Don't you see this? Its now a game, how far will she go, if you let it, you will go over the edge, and if not go totally nuts, get your self arrested for harrasement. Stalking possibly, all the e-mail is evidence, and if he has a recorder its evidence, so back off.
Go shopping, redecorate, redo the 12 days of detox, but leave him alone, find a coda meeting, hell go get drunk but loose his number.

December 28, 2001
7:34 pm
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vivcav
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Just became a new member of the 21 day group. So far for me its been 14 days and I have managed not to call and speak, I just called and hung up when he answered. I heard the anger in his voice and i quickly remembered how that anger was transferred to me and all the blame that it was my fault he "scared me". IT is very hard not to fall back into the manipulation especially when you have self esteem issues. They are great manipulators and some how have the sixth sense about how to zero in on our vulnerability and at this time of the year, tis the season. I've picked up the bood Co-dependency no more and have found myself in it. I constantly reread the chapters on detachment and on being reactionary. The detachment it helpful during this 21 day detox. Just can't see how we turn pity into love?

January 4, 2002
5:12 pm
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lyn
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vivcav i totally hear you... there is always anger in their voices as if you are bothering them just by calling.. i can't stand that.. who needs it... gosh i feel like i have been going through this forever but it's getting better he called me this morning and i was very cold and distant i gave that a-hole a dose of his own medicine who knows if it worked but it felt better than being weak and scared... for once. i think he was taken aback at the fact that i didn't care what he did for new yrs and i ended the conversation not him... this stupid game stinks but that is what it is during detox a game i'm learning and we'll come out the winners if we just stay strong...

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