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2 alone... please read this
October 12, 2006
11:06 pm
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needtoheal
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oh my god!!! I have a similar situation as yours in so many ways and i am trying to have no contact with him...even though he showed up at my work today!!
He would do the same thing... whenever i would tell him how i felt about how he treated me he would get defensive and he would blame me... and he would also not talk to me and then say it was punishment... i cringed when i read that... wow!!!!

October 13, 2006
9:35 am
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2alone
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I feel for you and I'm sorry you are going through this too. I'm finding it so hard to keep all of him in perspective - to remember that with the good comes the bad. Mine called last night while I was feeling lonely and sad. He recognized instantly that I was sad and he said to me - would it be better if you had an engagement ring - would you know then how serious I am about you? I said a quick no - because how would I get out of that?!

How did you separate from him? What gave you the strength to pull away?

October 13, 2006
2:28 pm
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needtoheal
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thanks for reading... i have not been able to get away from him at all... in fact, he gave me an engagement ring on valentine's day which was on a tuesday.. by thursday i wanted to give it back and then i finally did when he lied and lied to my face that sunday...
it is so hard... you can read my whole deal on the no contact thread if you would like to understand what i am going through...
thanks for writing.. when i read one of your responses i just could not believe that i have been in the same situation......

October 13, 2006
2:54 pm
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needtoheal
Can you tell me more about your relationship and how you came to know that something just wasn't right?

I'm glad you're working on no contact - I'm here to support you.

I saved emails from when we first met - I see that he was sweet, charming and kind in the begining. He said he "loved me" within 3 weeks of knowing me. So after came the marriage proposals. I would always tell him -you don't even know me - you just like the idea of me. He'd get angry at me and ask me why I felt I wasn't worthy of love. Of course that hit me hard because my ex-husband constantly told me and still to this day tells me that no one will love me because I'm such a horrible witch.

I keep reading the information on abusers and I keep saying to myself - yes he does that but just once in a while - or- he only exhibits one or two traits so I must be over exaggerating. Sigh. I just don't want to give up on a "good" thing when I'm so unsure of myself. Not to mention I have this horrible fear of being alone for the rest of my life - as if no one will ever care for me again. Writing it down I see how stupid I am being - but the feelings are so real.

October 13, 2006
3:43 pm
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needtoheal
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SURE HONEY... I POSTED ON THE NO CONTACT THREAD BUT IF YOU DONT MIND I WILL TELL YOU SOME MORE ABOUT IT...IT SEEMS THAT WE HAVE A SIMILAR EXPERIENCE...

I WAS SEPARATED FROM MY EX-HUSBAND (HE WALKED OUT WHEN THE KIDS WERE 3 AND 14 MONTHS..ALTHOUGH HE DOES SEE THEM).. HE SAID THAT NIGHT WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS AND I SAID I DON;T KNOW.. HE GOT ON HIS JACKET AND SAID HE WOULD BE AT HIS BROTHER'S HOUSE. WE WENT TO A THERAPIST (BECAUSE HE THOUGHT THAT I NEEDED ONE) AND HE SAID THAT THE MARRIAGE WAS NOT SALVAGABLE...
HE SAID THAT HE LOVED ME, DID NOT KNOW HOW MUCH AND IF IT WAS WORTH IT>>>
HE WOULD COME OVER EVERY DAY AND SPEND TIME WITH THE KIDS... I WOULD MAKE DINNER, WASH HIS CLOTHES AND AFTER THE KIDS WERE IN BED HE WOULD LEAVE EVERY NIGHT,,, NO HUG , WITHOUT TALKING,,, JUST LEAVE OUT THE DOOR.
IT DROVE ME NUTS... I STILL DONT KNOW HOW I GOT TO BE SO STRONG..
ANYWAY, I WAS NOT WORKING AT THE TIME BECAUSE THE KIDS WERE LITTLE.. AND MY OLDER SON WHO WAS 3 AT THE TIME HAD SOME PHYSICAL MOTOR DELAY..
I FINALLY GOT A JOB WORKING 4 NIGHTS A WEEK.. HE WOULD COME OVER AND STAY WITH THE BOYS..
THAT IS WHEN I MET MY EX-BOYFRIEND....
HE STARTED TALKING TO ME AND THEN GOT TO KNOW ME A LITTLE BETTER ALTHOUGH I WAS NOT MUCH INTO SOCIALIZING WITH MEN...
WE WERE TALKING IN THE PARKING LOT AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN WE WERE KISSING...
HE ENDED UP TELLING PEOPLE THINGS AT WORK THAT WERE NOT TRUE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED IN THE PARKING LOT... THAT IN ITSELF SHOULD HAVE BEEN A RED FLAG FOR ME..
HE LEFT THE JOB.. I CALLED HIM UP AND LEFT HIM A MESSAGE THAT I KNEW SOMEONE WHO COULD MAYBE GET HIS JOB BACK..
WE TALKED THAT NIGHT AND TALKED.. HE CAME OVER TO MY HOUSE BECAUSE I WAS LONELY.. THE KIDS WERE WITH THEIR FATHER BECAUSE HE FINALLY TOOK THEM OVERNIGHT FOR ME INSTEAD OF JUST WATCHING THEM AT MY HOUSE.
ANYWAY, SLOWLY WE STARTED HANGING OUT TOGETHER MORE AND MORE ...
HE WAS DOING DRUGS,, SMOKING POT WHICH WAS HIS HABIT FOR 10 YEARS...
I WAS NOT INTO THAT SCENE AT ALL ESPECIALLY WITH HAVING KIDS I DID NOT WANT TO BE AROUND OR ASSOCIATED WITH ANYONE LIKE THAT ... SO I WOULD ONLY HANG OUT WITH HIM WHEN I DID NOT HAVE THE KIDS... AND ON HIS BIRTHDAY THAT YEAR WHICH WAS 6 MONTHS AFTER WE MET, HE WANTED ME TO COME SEE HIM AFTER WORK,.. I CALLED HIM AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE WAS DOING AT HIS FRIENDS HOUSE AND HE SAID THAT HE SMOKED AND WAS DRINKING, SO I DID NOT SEE HIM THAT NIGHT.. AND THAT WAS THE LAST TIME HE SMOKED.. THAT I KNOW OF ANYWAY..
ANYWAY, WE GOT TO KNOW EACH OTHER MORE AND MORE...
WE WOULD TALK ON THE PHONE ALL THE TIME.. AND I THINK THAT I BECAME HIS CRUTCH (FOR NOT SMOKING) AND HE BECAME MY CRUTCH (IN GETTING OVER MY EX-HUSBAND).. THEN AT THE TIME I FINALLY SIGNED THE PAPERS WANTING A DIVORCE... I COULD NOT BE WITH MY EX AS MARRIED AND HE DID NOT WANT TO WORK ON THINGS SO I FINALLY DECIDED ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH (HE OBVIOUSLY WAS A PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE MAN AND HE STILL IS)
AS FAR AS MY BOYFRIEND, WELL, HE WAS VERY SUPPORTIVE THROUGH THE DIVORCE PROCESS. WHICH TOOK A YEAR BECAUSE MY EX HUSBAND FOUGHT IT THE ENTIRE TIME
MY BOYFRIEND WOULD OFTEN LISTEN TO ME RANT AND RAVE ABOUT WHAT WAS GOING ON... WE WERE SEEING EACH OTHER EVERY OTHER NIGHT WHEN I WAS OUT OF WORK AND THE KIDS WERE WITH THEIR DAD..
IT JUST BECAME HABIT..
AND THEN AFTER A YEAR MY DIVORCE WAS FINAL...
THEN MY BOYFRIEND WAS ONLY STILL MY FRIEND AT THE TIME EVEN THOUGH WE DID SLEEP TOGETHER... ONLY THAT FIRST NIGHT HE CAME TO MY HOUSE...
THEN I GOT CLOSER AND CLOSER TO HIM; AND I WANTED A DECISION ABOUT WHAT TO DO BECAUSE HE WOULD OFTEN CALL ME EVERY DAY ... I WOULD CALL HIM WHEN I WAS ON MY BREAK.. AND THEN AFTER WORK WE WOULD ONLY CUDDLE TOGETHER WHILE WATCHING A MOVIE...
MORE TO FOLLOW

October 13, 2006
3:43 pm
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needtoheal
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SURE HONEY... I POSTED ON THE NO CONTACT THREAD BUT IF YOU DONT MIND I WILL TELL YOU SOME MORE ABOUT IT...IT SEEMS THAT WE HAVE A SIMILAR EXPERIENCE...

I WAS SEPARATED FROM MY EX-HUSBAND (HE WALKED OUT WHEN THE KIDS WERE 3 AND 14 MONTHS..ALTHOUGH HE DOES SEE THEM).. HE SAID THAT NIGHT WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS AND I SAID I DON;T KNOW.. HE GOT ON HIS JACKET AND SAID HE WOULD BE AT HIS BROTHER'S HOUSE. WE WENT TO A THERAPIST (BECAUSE HE THOUGHT THAT I NEEDED ONE) AND HE SAID THAT THE MARRIAGE WAS NOT SALVAGABLE...
HE SAID THAT HE LOVED ME, DID NOT KNOW HOW MUCH AND IF IT WAS WORTH IT>>>
HE WOULD COME OVER EVERY DAY AND SPEND TIME WITH THE KIDS... I WOULD MAKE DINNER, WASH HIS CLOTHES AND AFTER THE KIDS WERE IN BED HE WOULD LEAVE EVERY NIGHT,,, NO HUG , WITHOUT TALKING,,, JUST LEAVE OUT THE DOOR.
IT DROVE ME NUTS... I STILL DONT KNOW HOW I GOT TO BE SO STRONG..
ANYWAY, I WAS NOT WORKING AT THE TIME BECAUSE THE KIDS WERE LITTLE.. AND MY OLDER SON WHO WAS 3 AT THE TIME HAD SOME PHYSICAL MOTOR DELAY..
I FINALLY GOT A JOB WORKING 4 NIGHTS A WEEK.. HE WOULD COME OVER AND STAY WITH THE BOYS..
THAT IS WHEN I MET MY EX-BOYFRIEND....
HE STARTED TALKING TO ME AND THEN GOT TO KNOW ME A LITTLE BETTER ALTHOUGH I WAS NOT MUCH INTO SOCIALIZING WITH MEN...
WE WERE TALKING IN THE PARKING LOT AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN WE WERE KISSING...
HE ENDED UP TELLING PEOPLE THINGS AT WORK THAT WERE NOT TRUE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED IN THE PARKING LOT... THAT IN ITSELF SHOULD HAVE BEEN A RED FLAG FOR ME..
HE LEFT THE JOB.. I CALLED HIM UP AND LEFT HIM A MESSAGE THAT I KNEW SOMEONE WHO COULD MAYBE GET HIS JOB BACK..
WE TALKED THAT NIGHT AND TALKED.. HE CAME OVER TO MY HOUSE BECAUSE I WAS LONELY.. THE KIDS WERE WITH THEIR FATHER BECAUSE HE FINALLY TOOK THEM OVERNIGHT FOR ME INSTEAD OF JUST WATCHING THEM AT MY HOUSE.
ANYWAY, SLOWLY WE STARTED HANGING OUT TOGETHER MORE AND MORE ...
HE WAS DOING DRUGS,, SMOKING POT WHICH WAS HIS HABIT FOR 10 YEARS...
I WAS NOT INTO THAT SCENE AT ALL ESPECIALLY WITH HAVING KIDS I DID NOT WANT TO BE AROUND OR ASSOCIATED WITH ANYONE LIKE THAT ... SO I WOULD ONLY HANG OUT WITH HIM WHEN I DID NOT HAVE THE KIDS... AND ON HIS BIRTHDAY THAT YEAR WHICH WAS 6 MONTHS AFTER WE MET, HE WANTED ME TO COME SEE HIM AFTER WORK,.. I CALLED HIM AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE WAS DOING AT HIS FRIENDS HOUSE AND HE SAID THAT HE SMOKED AND WAS DRINKING, SO I DID NOT SEE HIM THAT NIGHT.. AND THAT WAS THE LAST TIME HE SMOKED.. THAT I KNOW OF ANYWAY..
ANYWAY, WE GOT TO KNOW EACH OTHER MORE AND MORE...
WE WOULD TALK ON THE PHONE ALL THE TIME.. AND I THINK THAT I BECAME HIS CRUTCH (FOR NOT SMOKING) AND HE BECAME MY CRUTCH (IN GETTING OVER MY EX-HUSBAND).. THEN AT THE TIME I FINALLY SIGNED THE PAPERS WANTING A DIVORCE... I COULD NOT BE WITH MY EX AS MARRIED AND HE DID NOT WANT TO WORK ON THINGS SO I FINALLY DECIDED ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH (HE OBVIOUSLY WAS A PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE MAN AND HE STILL IS)
AS FAR AS MY BOYFRIEND, WELL, HE WAS VERY SUPPORTIVE THROUGH THE DIVORCE PROCESS. WHICH TOOK A YEAR BECAUSE MY EX HUSBAND FOUGHT IT THE ENTIRE TIME
MY BOYFRIEND WOULD OFTEN LISTEN TO ME RANT AND RAVE ABOUT WHAT WAS GOING ON... WE WERE SEEING EACH OTHER EVERY OTHER NIGHT WHEN I WAS OUT OF WORK AND THE KIDS WERE WITH THEIR DAD..
IT JUST BECAME HABIT..
AND THEN AFTER A YEAR MY DIVORCE WAS FINAL...
THEN MY BOYFRIEND WAS ONLY STILL MY FRIEND AT THE TIME EVEN THOUGH WE DID SLEEP TOGETHER... ONLY THAT FIRST NIGHT HE CAME TO MY HOUSE...
THEN I GOT CLOSER AND CLOSER TO HIM; AND I WANTED A DECISION ABOUT WHAT TO DO BECAUSE HE WOULD OFTEN CALL ME EVERY DAY ... I WOULD CALL HIM WHEN I WAS ON MY BREAK.. AND THEN AFTER WORK WE WOULD ONLY CUDDLE TOGETHER WHILE WATCHING A MOVIE...
MORE TO FOLLOW

October 13, 2006
4:10 pm
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OOPS SORRY FOR THE COPY...
THEN I SAID THAT IT WAS BOTHERING ME ... THAT WE NEEDED TO NOT SPEND AS MUCH TIME TOGETHER... HE SAID THAT HE WAS NOT SURE ABOUT A RELATIONSHIP... I THINK HE ALWAYS DID WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME BUT WANTED TO WAIT BECAUSE I ALMOST WENT BACK TO MY EX HUSBAND...
PLUS THERE WAS THE FACTOR OF KIDS...MY KIDS..
ANOTHER RED FLAG THAT I DID NOT SEE WAS THAT HE DID NOT HAVE A CONSISTENT JOB,,,
HE WAS AT THE TIME 32 AND NEVER HAD A GIRLFRIEND (CONFIRMED BY HIS MOTHER) AND HE LIVES AT HOME WITH HIS PARENTS WHO SUPPORT HIM AS WELL..
THEN WHEN WE DECIDED THAT WE WOULD BE A COUPLE WE WERE BOWLING ONE NIGHT IN A LEAGUE TOGETHER ON THE SAME TEAM AND HIS ANGER WOULD THEN COME OUT.. ALTHOUGH IT DID PROBABLY BEFORE AT TIMES BUT NOW I CANT REMEMBER... HE WOULD OFTEN CURSE WHICH IS NOT MY STYLE AND IT SEEMED THAT THE F WORD WAS HIS FAVORITE WORD TO SAY...
THEN WHEN HE WAS TAKING ME TO BOWLING ONE NIGHT I TOLD HIM THAT I WAS UNSURE ABOUT A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM BECAUSE OF HIS ANGER... I ALSO HEARD FROM HIS MOM THAT BEFORE HE MET ME HIS SISTER WHO IS ONLY 2 OR 3 YEARS YOUNGER GOT INTO A FIGHT WITH HIM,, ACTUALLY SHE SPIT AT HIM FOR SOME REASON AND HE TACKLED HER IN THE DRIVEWAY AND BROKE HER COLLARBONE,, AND THIS WAS WHEN THEY WERE ADULTS.. ANOTHER RED FLAG
SO THAT ONE NIGHT I BROKE IT OFF WITH HIM... I STARTED SEEING ANOTHER GUY (WHICH WAS NOT SO NICE BECAUSE IT WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS FACE_) BUT HE STILL HUNG IN THERE WITH ME... SO AFTER THAT FLING ENDED, WE STARTED HANGING OUT TOGETHER AGAIN.. THEN HE WANTED TO SEE SOME GIRL THAT HE BOWLED WITH IN ANOTHER LEAGUE.. LATER HE TOLD ME THAT IT WAS ON PURPOSE JUST SEEE WHAT REACTION I WOULD HAVE...
SO THEN IN APRIL 2005, ALMOST 3 YEARS AFTER WE MET, WE DECIDED TO BE A COUPLE.. OR IT JUST HAPPENED.. WE WOULD STILL CUDDLE ON THE COUCH BUT HE WOULD COME AROUND SOMETIMES WHEN THE KIDS WERE HOME.. HE NEVER SLEPT OVER WHEN THE KIDS WERE HERE...
THEN HIS ANGER GOT WORSE... AND HIS LANGUAGE AND THE WAY HE TREATED ME WAS TERRIBLE.. IF I TOLD HIM HOW I FELT HE WOULD EITHER HANG UP ON ME OR CURSE AND SAY THAT I CANNOT LET THINGS GO EVEN THOUGH HE WOULD DO OR SAY SOMETHING THAT I DID NOT LIKE..
I CAN'T GIVE YOU SPECIFIC DETAILS BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MANY,. BUT WHEN YOU MENTIONED THE PUNISHMENT THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HE WOULD TELL ME TOO...THEN HE WOULD TELL ME THAT I WILL NEVER FIND SOMEONE BECAUSE I HAVE 2 KIDS ALTHOUGH HE DID ADMIT THAT THEY ARE GREAT...
HE ALSO WAS NOT SO SEXUAL SO IT IS NOT LIKE WE HAD A GREAT SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP...
THEN ONE DAY I WAS AT HIS HOUSE AND HE GOT SO ANNOYED WITH HIS MOTHER THAT HE CALLED HER A F----ING C--T!! TO HER FACE... AND SHE LET HIM SAY THAT TO HER TOO... I TOLD HIM THAT WAS DISRESPECTFUL AND DISGUSTING... HE HAD A BAD ATTITUDE ABOUT WOMEN.. MAYBE BECAUSE HE WAS ADOPTED WHEN HE WAS 2 AND I KNOW THAT HE WAS PICKED ON IN SCHOOL BECAUSE HE HAS 12 TOES..
HE JUST HAD A BAD ATTITUDE AND THEN WOULD SAY HE WAS SORRY OR THAT HE DID NOT MEAN WHAT HE SAID TO ME... OR THAT HE LOVED ME AND THAT I WAS THE BEST THING IN HIS LIFE OR HE WOULD HAVE BEEN DEAD FROM SMOKING POT FOR SO LONG...
HE DID NOT HAVE ANYMORE FRIENDS BECAUSE THEY WERE ALL DRUGGIES.// AND I DID NOT HAVE ANY FRIENDS EITHER//
THEN IN NOVEMBER 2005 -- I WAS IN A LOT OF PAIN.. HE WAS DRIVING AND HIS CAR OVERHEATED,, I WAS IN SO MUCH PAIN THAT THE TOW TRUCK DRIVER WANTED TO TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL... SO WE TOWED HIS TRUCK.. MY KIDS WERE WITH THEIR DAD DURING THE WEEKEND.. AND HIS MOTHER PICKED US UP... SHE SAID THAT SHE WAS GOING TO TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL.. I WAS ALL TILTED WITH MY NECK AND IN AGONY.. WELL WHAT DID HE DO WHEN WE GOT TO HIS HOUSE>// HE TOLD HIS MOTHER TO WAIT TO TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL BECAUSE HE WAS HUNGRY.. HE SAT AT THE TABLE BY HIMSELF AND ATE AND THEN HE HAD TO READ THE PAPER!!
FINALLY SHE GAVE ME A RIDE HOME BECAUSE I HAD TO GET MY INSURANCE CARD AND THE AMBULANCE TOOK ME.. THEY WENT TO THE HOSPITAL..
THEN AFTER SOME X RAYS I WENT HOME WITH HIM AND HE STAYED WITH ME THAT NIGHT... WHEN I ASKED HIM TO GET ME SOME ICE FOR MY NECK WHEN WE WERE LAYING DOWN HE TOLD ME TO GO TO F---ING SLEEP.. THEN I ASKED IF HE COULD PUT SOME LOTION ON MY BACK OR RUB IT AND HE SAID THAT HE WAS TIRED.. I WANTED TO KICK HIM OUT .. BUT I WAS ALL ALONE... WE FELL ASLEEP.// TURNS OUT WEEKS LATER AFTER A MRI THAT I HAD 2 HERNIATED DISCS IN MY NECK WHICH CAUSED PAIN TO RADIATE DOWN THE RIGHT ARM...
I WAS OUT OF WORK FOR 3 MONTHS AND STAYED WITH MY PARENTS WHO HELPED TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS BECAUSE I HAD TO GET CORTISONE SHOTS IN MY SPINE...
THEN WE GOT ALONG MUCH BETTER. HE SWORE THAT HE WOULD NEVER TREAT ME LIKE HE DID.,. AND I BELIEVED HIM FOR SOME REASON....
THEN WHILE I WAS RECOVERING, MY PARENTS WENT AWAY AND THE KIDS WERE WITH MY EX FOR A WEEK SO MY BOYFRIEND STAYED WITH ME THE ENTIRE WEEK.. WE GOT ALONG GREAT.. LIKE A HAPPY COUPLE..
THEN ABOUT A MONTH LATER HE ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM.. I SAID YES AND THEN A FEW DAYS LATER HE TALKED NASTY TO ME WHEN ALL I WAS THINKING ABOUT WAS HIM AND I GAVE THE RING BACK.. ACTUALLY I KEPT IT ON THE SHELF.. THEN I PUT IT BACK ON AND THEN THAT SUNDAY I GAVE IT BACK BECAUSE HE LIED AND LIED TO MY FACE......
2ALONE ,,, THANKS FOR READING THIS...

October 13, 2006
4:48 pm
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2alone
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I'm so sorry. He's a mess and you deserve much better. He's obviously not there for you - he only wants you there for him. Don't put up with it. In your case it seems obvious that you're the one with your life in order... keep it that way by taking action.

I'm personally trying to come to grips with being alone again - but in your case sweetie - alone would be a welcome change from his behavior.

October 13, 2006
5:19 pm
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needtoheal
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YEAH.. I HAVE THE FEAR OF BEING ALONE.. ESPECIALLY WHEN THE KIDS ARE AWAY FOR THE WEEKEND WITH THEIR FATHER..
YESTERDAY HE SHOWED UP AT MY WORK.. WE COULD NOT TALK WHICH WAS GOOD.. BUT I WAS SWEATING SO MUCH AFTER HE LEFT..
IT WAS THE FIRST TIME THAT I SAW HIM SINCE TWO WEEKS AGO WHEN I SHOWED UP AT THE BAR HE WAS AT(HE DID NOT HAVE A GIRL WITH HIM THOUGH)..
THAT WAS ANOTHER EPISODE..
MY DAD'S BEST FRIEND DIED. HE WAS LIKE AN UNCLE TO ME.. I HAD TO WRITE A EULOGY IN HONOR OF THEIR FRIENDSHIP OVER 45 YEARS//
I READ IT TO MY BOYFRIEND OVER THE PHONE.. HE SAID THAT IT WAS AWESOME. HE TOLD ME TO CALL HIM WHEN I GET HOME FROM THE FUNERAL IF I WANT.. AND SO I DID.. I WAS SO PROUD OF MYSELF 2ALONE.. I WAS SO STRONG AND DID SOMETHING FOR MY DAD AND IT MADE HIM SO HAPPY BECAUSE HE WOULD NOT BEEN ABLE TO SAY ANYTHING...
SO WHEN I CALLED HIM THAT NIGHT HE SAID THAT AT FIRST HE HAD PLANS WITH HIS FRIEND WHO IS A DJ TO HELP HIM WITH THE EQUIPMENT.. THEN LATER THAT NIGHT HE LEFT A MESSAGE ON THE ANSWERING MACHINE AND SEEMED QUITE "HAPPY"... IT WAS ALMOST WEIRD TO ME.. BUT HE SAID THAT HIS PLANS FELL THROUGH AND HE WOULD NOT BE GOING TO THE BAR AND THAT IF I WANTED TO DO SOMETHING WITH HIM THAT NIGHT TO GIVE HIM A CALL./ THEN HE PAUSED AND SAID THAT HE HAD SOME THINGS TO DO BUT IF I WANTED TO DO SOMETHING WE COULD OR THE NEXT DAY BECAUSE HE DID NOT HAVE TO WATCH FOOTBALL BECAUSE HIS TEAM DID NOT HAVE A GAME...
SO I CALLED AND ASKED HIM WHAT DID HE HAVE TO DO.. WHICH IS THE WAY WE ARE,.. NOTHING UNUSUAL.. HE WOULD ASK THE SAME TO ME.. ANYWAY, HE SNAPPED AT ME AND SAID "wHAT DO I HAVE TO WRITE A DIARY?" THEN HE SAID "I AM IN THE PARKING LOT OF A FOOD STORE WAITING FOR HIS FRIENDS" (THE DJ AND HIS WIFE)... THEN HE SAID LET ME GO BECAUSE THAT WAS THEM CALLING HIM.;.. SO A FEW MINUTES LATER I TRIED CALLING HIM BACK BECAUSE I WANTED TO KNOW WHAT TIME WOULD WE DO SOMETHING,,.WELL HE NEVER ANSWERED... SO I CALLED BACK AND HE ANSWERED AND SAID "oh my god!!" AND HUNG UP ON ME.... THEN TURNED HIS PHONE OFF.///
SO I WENT TO A FRIEND'S HOUSE FOR A WHILE.. IT WAS GETTING LATE AND I DID NOT HAVE THE KIDS SO I WENT HOME AND RELAXED.. THEN I HAD THIS IMPULSIVE THOUGHT// AND I GOT IN THE CAR AND WENT TO THE BAR ,.. IT WAS LATE ... CLOSING TIME.. AND THERE HE WAS.. (WITHOUT A GIRL).. I HOPE I AM NOT REPEATING MYSELF..
HE WAS SO MAD./.PLUS HE WAS DRUNK...
WHEN I SAID WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM HE JUST SAID THAT I WAS A PAIN IN THE @#@$ AND THAT HIS PLANS GOT SCREWED UP// THEN I SAID THAT I HAD A FUNERAL THAT DAY AND I WAS UPSET AND WANTED TO SEE HIM AND HE HAD THE NERVE TO SAY "COME ON, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME U SAW THE MAN??" HE WAS SO MAD... THE FRIENDS, THE DJ WAS FINE, BUT HIS WIFE WAS DRUNK. THEY GOT IN THEIR CAR AND SAID TO HIM BE CAREFUL BECAUSE HE WAS DRUNK.... SOME FRIENDS HUH?? AND EVEN AFTER THAT I STILL OFFERED TO DRIVE HIM HOME. HE WANTED TO COME TO MY HOUSE BUT I DID NOT WANT HIM THERE BY PASSING OUT///
HE ALSO TRIED TWISTING IT AROUND AND SAYING TO HIS FRIENDS THAT I AM OBSESSED AND THAT HE WOULD CALL THE POLICE AND GET A RESTRAINING ORDER...

AND ANOTHER TIME HE WAS MAD AT ME.. THE KIDS WERE NOT THERE BUT HE WAS PLAYING THE PLAYSTATION IN THEIR ROOM.. I WANTED HIM TO LEAVE AND I TURNED OFF THE GAME WITHOUT SAVING IT AND HE WAS PISSED OFF... OH MY GOD.. I STOOD IN THE DOORWAY AND PUT MY HANDS ON HIS CHEST AND SAID RELAX AND HE PUSHED ME OUT OF THE WAY.. AND HE CALLED ME A C--T!! I SLIGHTLY SLAPPED HIM IN THE FACE... AND HE LEFT///
THAT WAS THE BEGINNING OF THE END////
THANKS FOR LISTENING.........

October 13, 2006
5:46 pm
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THANKS FOR READING THIS... IT HELPS TO GET THE FEELINGS OUT...IF YOU WANT LET ME KNOW WHAT U THINK.. IT IS SO DIFFICULT FOR ME.. THE KIDS JUST LEFT WITH THEIR DAD FOR THE WEEKEND.. I HAVE TO WORK ALL WEEKEND . IN FACT I CHANGED MY SCHEDULE SO THAT I AM MORE OCCUPIED.....
SEE THIS MAN THINKS THAT HE COULD SAY OR DO SOMETHING TO ME AND THAT I SHOULD JUST FORGET IT.. HE SAYS THAT IT IS OLD NEWS.. BUT HE JUST DOES NOT UNDERSTAND IS THAT IT HURTS /// AND WHEN SOMEONE HURTS YOU ON PURPOSE IT DESTROYS SOMETHING INSIDE YOU THAT YOU MAY FEEL TOWARDS THAT PERSON..AGREE?

THAT NIGHT... THE BEGINNING OF THE END,, WHEN HE WAS LEAVING HE TOLD ME THAT IF I TOLD MY FATHER OR MY BROTHER..(WHO HE ONLY MET TWICE) ... THAT HE WANTED TO STAB MY [email protected]#$%^^NG BROTHER IN THE HEART AND HAVE ME WATCH..
THE NEXT DAY HE APOLOGIZED AND SAID THAT HE DID NOT MEAN TO SAY IT/////SOUNDS QUITE DISTURBING DOESN'T IT?? I MEAN HE WANTED TO HURT ME WITH THOSE WORDS AND YET HE WOULD TELL ME THAT HE LOVES ME...AND I AM THE BEST THING IN THE WORLD FOR HIM.......

October 13, 2006
11:32 pm
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BUMP

October 13, 2006
11:34 pm
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That sounds horrible! From the outside I can't understand why being alone isn't 100 times better than being with him - but I know when you're in the relationship it feels the opposite. Please read what you've written me and try to see it from an outsiders perspective. It might make it easier on you to let him go.

October 13, 2006
11:43 pm
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YOU ARE RIGHT 2ALONE... I GUESS IT WAS JUST A HABIT... BUT I SPENT TIME WITH SOME NEW FRIENDS THAT I HAVE MADE AND I DID SPEND SOME TIME ALL TO MYSELF WHICH WAS GREAT... AND I DO REALIZE THAT WHEN I HAVE NO CONTACT WITH HIM I DO FEEL BETTER... SOMETIMES I OFTEN FEEL THE NEED TO EXPLAIN MYSELF FIRST.. BUT INSTEAD I HAVE REALIZED THAT ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS....AND I GUESS IT KIND OF MESSED ME UP A LITTLE BIT WHEN HE SHOWED UP AT MY WORK YESTERDAY... WE DID NOT GET TO TALK BUT SEEING HIM BROUGHT UP A LOT OF EMOTIONS INSIDE ME... AND I ALSO KNOW THAT I AM BETTER OFF,,, AND I HAVE KEPT HIM FROM A DISTANCE FROM MY CHILDREN SO I AM GRATEFUL FOR THAT AS WELL BECAUSE THEY ARE MY STRENGTH.. THEY ARE WHAT GOT ME THROUGH THE DIVORCE FROM MY EX-HUSBAND

October 14, 2006
7:46 am
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bump

October 14, 2006
9:29 pm
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bump for rasputin
thanks if you read this and tell me what you think....

October 15, 2006
4:22 am
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Needtoheal -

Your relationship with your Xhubby/bf does not seem to be loving, respectful or healthy. When we live thru these circumstances and continue to allow loved ones to abuse us & cross our boundaries, our self-esteem becomes very low and we find it hard to love ourselves and chances are it may become a way of life even if you're both not living together. You still have to see him since you have kids from him.

The best thing/gift you can do to yourself honey is to learn to love yourself, to nurture, show respect, honour, spend time with your inner child who is suffering enormously in this toxic, non-loving co-dep relationship.

Here are some tips your can do to start off the healing process:

- Attend coda meetings: they will help you to grow, understand this phenomenon and enable you to gain some strength, autonomy and self-love. They also have online meetings in case you cannot attend in person. Just go to http://www.coda.org

- Purchase some good literature that can help you in this process. Books like "Codependent no more" by Melody Beattie; "When you love too much" by Steve Arterburn are just a few of good self-help books.

- Don't forget to read the thread "Let it go" by T D Jakes, here. Very powerful one that inspired me and encouraged me on my journey that up to now I have not contacted my male friend even tho I have strong romantic feelings to him upto this moment even tho I know he is very unhealthy dude.

- Come on here whenever you feel bored or want to have contact with him. Read the threads, try to respond or write something that can help you to heal & grow.

When you learn to love yourself, forgive your x even if gradually or by small steps and thus your behaviour toward him will change and he will start to treat you differently and respect your boundaries. You will notice that your self-esteem has become very high even when you have to see him for the sake of the kids' visitation.

I am sorry for all the abuse you have to put up with from your X. You definitely do not deserve any of that crap.

Know sweetheart that we are here for you whenever you need to vent and will continue to cheer you on in this wonderful not so easy journey!!!

(((Hugs & Prayers)))

October 15, 2006
11:28 am
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needtoheal
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THANKS RASPUTIN...AND TO EVERYONE WHO OFFERS ME SUGGESTIONS ABOUT THIS ENTIRE SITUATION WITH AN EX-HUSBAND AND NOW EX-BF

October 16, 2006
2:24 am
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October 16, 2006
2:29 am
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Need2heal- how long did you say it's been since you broke up with this abusive man?

October 16, 2006
11:05 am
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ggfred4
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need, I promised to read your thread and I did. First, I have never been in this situation so I feel cautious about advice. Wouldn't want to say anything to make things worse. You know there are too many red flags, you stated that. Gosh, need, I am just going to say what I want to say.
You are a great mom and person with values; you deserve better than this. Get out and start over...Remember whatever person you connect with in your life now will be a part of your children's life too. That is very important!!! You sound desperate and lonely and that is okay. Just don't settle for less than you deserve. You need to find something to do on the weekends you are alone, maybe where you can meet some good people. If you are not ready, stay home, educate yourself, seek out people here, learn how to recover from this.

I feel your pain as I too am in pain.
But, I am not going to stay this way. I am in a fight right now for my soul. I am starting coda and no I am not an alcoholic or have anyone like that in my life. I didn't even accept I was codependent until the last two weeks.

Need, I care, and I want the best for you...fight for it, girl! Gotta run, take care...GG

October 16, 2006
11:26 am
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needtoheal
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GG ... thanks so much for reading what i have been through... thanks for following up like you said.. that means a lot to me...

I want to start coda myself but unfortunately there are not many meeting places where i live...

and the coda on-line site is empty..
but they do have a phone conference meetings..

i feel for you too GG..

I am not so sure what is going on with me... it is like an addiction and a rollercoaster..

i talked to him this morning... i just could not resist because i needed to know what he had been feeling since i had not talked to him since the night that he stopped by my work..

he says that he needs space and he is unsure what he wants although he feels that his life is in upheaval..

anyway i think that it is time for me to really think about what it is that i want for ME and take care of my own self instead of trying to "fix" others who are so unavailable...

sorry to ramble..

hope the day goes well for you....

take care,
your friend
NEED

October 16, 2006
12:01 pm
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StronginHim77
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needtoheal -

I am so glad that you are facing the truth about this man. He is crude, abusive and appears to have absolutely no respect for other human beings. I, too, am totally shocked by the way he spoke to his mother. Too bad that she didn't deal with it decades ago, the first time he pulled it. He is selfish, violent and utterly incapable of loving anyone.

Changing your weekend schedule, so that you are "busy" and less tempted to connect with him to ease the loneliness is very wise. You should be proud of the steps you are taking to free yourself from his influence and control.

You will have lonely times when you will be tempted to contact him or when he will be "pounding at the doors of your heart" to get back into your life. KEEP THE DOOR CLOSED. It will hurt. Most of us on these threads have had to "close doors" to our toxic former partners. And it hurt terribly. But we have found it better to face the pain of grieving our losses (crushed hopes, disappointment, smashed dreams, etc.), than to continue in relationships which pound us with shock wave after shock wave of undeserved, unexpected cruelty and abuse.

Keep posting here. Pour your heart out. You are in good company. We will stand by you, while you learn to be alone without caving in. In time the peace DOES come. It has been about four months for me, since I last saw my "ex" and I am finally beginning to feel peace and even happiness. So will you. Take it one day at a time.

- Strong

October 16, 2006
12:41 pm
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needtoheal
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thanks strong... i just text messaged him .

i said that i now know how you feel because i also think that if we tried to get back together BOTH OF US WOULD HAVE TO CHANGE... I understand the frustration that you feel about your job.. thanks for talking... i have to also look at myself and figure out what i want and need in my life...
I will give you your "vacation" and I will be taking one as well...

Maybe we will both see things more clearly..

As far as his mother, well that woman had allowed him to behave the way he behaves... she taught him that was acceptable behavior.. and the father also is a quiet man but when he speaks he is verbally abusive to his family..

But the problem that i have is not with his parents... because at the age of 36 this man is an adult and HE is the one who has to accept responsibility and accountability for HIS ACTIONS..

He knows that he has hurt me deeply..

And he did so on purpose many, many times.. like , for example, when he said that he would stab my F^&ing brother and let me watch...

I think what really did me in though was his unavailability for me after my dad's friend died and it seemed like he was lying.. I researched a lot about an addict's way of life and since he did not have any formal recovery support (to him it was just smoking 4 hollowed-out cigars filled with pot a day for 10 years).. That way of life is like living a double life... filled with lying, cheating...

He also did not like the fact that I did not get along with his "friends"..when we first met each other I told him these people are not your friends,, they are just using drugs and you keep company with each other...
And that was the way I felt about the dj and his wife.. THey are only accessible for him to drink even though he is the one to control himself but let me put it to you this way, they are not friends if they say to him , knowing that he drank 5 beers and had 3 shots of zambuca in 2 hours... drive safely and allowed him to get into his car...drunk

He does not show any empathy for others..

October 16, 2006
12:41 pm
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needtoheal
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thanks strong... i just text messaged him .

i said that i now know how you feel because i also think that if we tried to get back together BOTH OF US WOULD HAVE TO CHANGE... I understand the frustration that you feel about your job.. thanks for talking... i have to also look at myself and figure out what i want and need in my life...
I will give you your "vacation" and I will be taking one as well...

Maybe we will both see things more clearly..

As far as his mother, well that woman had allowed him to behave the way he behaves... she taught him that was acceptable behavior.. and the father also is a quiet man but when he speaks he is verbally abusive to his family..

But the problem that i have is not with his parents... because at the age of 36 this man is an adult and HE is the one who has to accept responsibility and accountability for HIS ACTIONS..

He knows that he has hurt me deeply..

And he did so on purpose many, many times.. like , for example, when he said that he would stab my F^&ing brother and let me watch...

I think what really did me in though was his unavailability for me after my dad's friend died and it seemed like he was lying.. I researched a lot about an addict's way of life and since he did not have any formal recovery support (to him it was just smoking 4 hollowed-out cigars filled with pot a day for 10 years).. That way of life is like living a double life... filled with lying, cheating...

He also did not like the fact that I did not get along with his "friends"..when we first met each other I told him these people are not your friends,, they are just using drugs and you keep company with each other...
And that was the way I felt about the dj and his wife.. THey are only accessible for him to drink even though he is the one to control himself but let me put it to you this way, they are not friends if they say to him , knowing that he drank 5 beers and had 3 shots of zambuca in 2 hours... drive safely and allowed him to get into his car...drunk

He does not show any empathy for others..

October 16, 2006
12:45 pm
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needtoheal
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oops.. clicked twice..

i ended the text with maybe then we will be able to see things more clearly

I think that I am way too nice to him ... but at least I feel better about the way it ends

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