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1st timer, need guidence.....
November 28, 2001
8:36 pm
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mtc
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Hi,
I had been going thru the other threads expecially the BILL PAY... I will give a little back ground about self... I am a professional, father of a 15 mon old (the best that ever happened to me)...

I met a wonderful girl during school day and have been with her ever since.. we had a great relationship... over ther years after marriage her relations with my family (ie. her IN-LAWS) deteriorated... somewere down the road we started drifting apart.. I got busy with work... and was alwasy tired...by the time I got home and was content eating dinner and going to bed... our love life started to go down... we hardly make love any more.. I have grown an aversion to it...
while we tried to re-kindle our flame... which resulted in a beautiful son.... now things are even worse...I dont see to find time for US... i am busy with work and looking after my son.... once during a argument... I almost hit her.... luckly... I had the presence of mind to walk out immediatly to reflect on what I did... it scared me... I am not the one to hit any one let alone a women...

I am a quite person by nature.. not a talker... so our communication was not great as before (during the school days).. I am afraid of talking to her... I alway end up fibbing (lying ie...) to her about everything... I am in a financial crunch right now and do not have the guts to tell her for fear of what she will say to me......

Know with my son without whom life now seems void.... I cannot approach her for fear of loosing my son... It is not fair to her that I keep things from her... I am afraid of loosing my family... I dont know if I love her or not... how do I find out... I alway seem to have a hard time communication to her for fear of starting an argument.... am I less of a man? Who can help me here....

MTC..

November 28, 2001
8:48 pm
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suzyblue
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Follow your own thoughts and you get this... Don't be too busy to spend time with your wife. Put your wife before your son. You need the two of you solidly together to be good for the child. Tell her the truth and accept what she says. Keep your family out of your relationship (boy do I know that is difficult) You had a great relationship before and it seems it is your end of it that let it down, so perhaps it isn't too late to do your part and get it back. Don't argue don't talk to her about rekindling your relationship...just do it. You know, flowers, cards, thoughtful gifts or considering your financial situation - thoughtful deeds - give her a back rub, do the dishes, clean the house, come home early from work just to spend time with her, talk to her about her day, about anything. Do things just with her and not the child...send the child to the in-laws that caused the problems for a weekend. Then do things as a family as well. You need to decide if you want it to work or not. If you do then DO IT. Marriage takes work ... work!

November 29, 2001
12:30 pm
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Molly
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I hear your under alot of pressure, and with holding the truth of your stress, could be behind that anger of yours. With stress, your not in the love making, conversation making, attention giving, sharing mode, your on survival, and no one knows what your going through. You are building the wall that is between you by keeping all of this to your self. many men try to keep CONTROLL of the situation by not utilizing their partners for support, the walls get bigger and bigger, and rather than controll, it implodes. You need to reprioritize your life, you need to consider a stress relief program, thus you won't necessarily go to bed right after dinner, you need balance, all work and no play makes 1st timer not much fun to be around. You need to put this relationship first, as was suggested, the money will come the bills will get paid, but if you loose wife and family, isn't all for nothing? Share with her your fear, stress, and what you want. Make a budget, make a day to go to the park, feed your soul, feed your heart, and the love making will return. She may think that its her, she may think you have lost your love for her, she may think your having an affair. Talk to her. But then again, I could be wrong.

November 29, 2001
2:55 pm
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mtc
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Thanks for the input... I will go and talk to her... what is the worst thing she can do... (Leave me??)...
I guess I dont have solution(s) to everything...

I will have to be a better person to give feed back... and not just listen and keep quite.... take an active participation...

I want this to work not just for our son's sake but also for OUR sake...

Thanks again a lot...

November 29, 2001
6:48 pm
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Cici
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Hey there, if you're still out there -
Your situation sounds strangely familiar, I witnessed the same thing with my sister after she had her baby and with my own marriage, although we have no children.

My husband and I are still in college, and we both work and I'm doing research so it's hard. We ended up in marriage counseling and I realized that it's not true that we have no time to be together. It's not the quantity of time you spend together, it's the quality.

My husband learned that he still has to date me, even though we're married, because love is like a fire, it has to be tended and given food and oxygen and you must give it attention and nurture it. So we make it a point to go on a date once a week. Sometimes it's simple, a bottle of wine and a video at home with chocolates or some extra touch. Sometimes it's a nice dinner out and we see a show, or go to the opera or the ballet (that's not often on our budget!) - but the fact is that you have to try and keep working on it. Love is like a child - you can't give birth to it and then tie it up in the backyard! You have to take care of it, like you have to care for yourself.

In my marriage, it was a vicious cycle. My husband would get busy and would not be available emotionally. He wouldn't talk and it felt like he wasn't even "there" when he was physically with me, he was thinking of all the other things he had to do. So, because women need emotional intimacy for sexual intimacy, I stopped feeling sexual or sensual, I stopped caring how I looked and sex became mechanical, which led to us having less and less sex. And for men, physical intimacy is necessary for emotional intimacy, so after we stopped being sexual he withdrew even more, emotionally, and so we were never happy.

We were blind, circling each other, pecking at each other for little hurts because there was a big, gaping hole in our relationship. As a result, I slowly began to fall out of love. That was my husband's wake-up call, when I could no longer bring myself to mechanically reply "I love you, too, honey." Now we are working on our relationship, trying to rebuild, and it is getting better bit by bit.

Think about it. Instead of only going to her when the sh*t hits the fan, try asking your wife out on a date. Novel idea, eh?

November 29, 2001
7:09 pm
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turnip62us
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Yes yes yes, the "date" thing really works; after 18 years, 15 of which were hell and three of which have been pretty darn good, hubby and I still have to make dates or we get lazy, busy, etc....and from a woman's point of view, well, it makes us feel valued in a major way.
One other thing...you mentioned fibbing/lying. Nothing hurts like being lied to, and believe me, if your wife has at least three brain cells, she knows you're lying, and it's doing major damage to your marriage. No one respects someone who lies to them, so even when the truth is tough and you have to say something like, "Honey, I really messed up the budget," it's 1000 times better than a lie. Cause believe me, you're not fooling her. And there's no such thing as a "white lie" or a "fib"...a lie is a lie. Good luck.

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