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1st time & need advice
August 27, 2006
9:12 pm
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walkingout
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I've been reading the threads and see similar situations. I've been married for 16yrs. He's a good man, but for several yrs I've felt neglected, left out and alone. We have completely separate lives now. He's always wanted 'variety' in our sex life, which loosely translated means a 3rd person. I never, ever wanted that and said so. Long story short, he signed us up on some internet site, I had an affair. Mainly out of spite and anger. It was the hottest thing I could imagine and after only 3 wks w/the guy, I got very attached. He's also married. We broke it off 6 weeks ago. We've emailed but haven't seen each other. My life is in turmoil. I found that after years of tolerating sex, I can't stop being with other men. The hot guy was only the first; there's been several others. And I keep looking for more. Why can't I stop? It's killing me and my marriage is on rocky ground for the first time. I keep going from withdrawal and I'm leaving to clinging to husband for support. In a moment of weakness, heartache over hot guy, and dispair, I confessed about hot guy, but none of the others. Husband & I are in therapy and I just learned about co-dependency. I need help. How do I stop? How do I get my life back?

August 27, 2006
9:18 pm
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Shaney
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walkingout... you're in therapy, which is good. But you might need therapy on your own as well, with someone that you can be completely honest with. Ths marriage isn't going to be fixed if you can't be honest about all of the other sexual encounters that you've had. Fessing up to one, isn't solving the problem. I'm no expert by any means, but, if you can't stop can this be the beginnings of an addiction for you? Answers won't come easy, and they won't come right away, so be patient while you're getting to the core of this. It takes time, patience, and some hard work. Be open, and honest, and the answers will come. Good luck to you.

August 27, 2006
9:28 pm
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walkingout
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We're seeing a therapist together and individally - the same one. But it's only been a couple of weeks. Yes, I fear it's the beginning of an addiction. Sex has always been a potential addiction for me, as I've recently learned. I think that's why I never let my husband get too close sexually - kept it all very distant. The therapist suggested that 1 of us may want to see someone else privately. As for the others, how do I confess that? And, in the meantime, do I stay with him or do I go? I have a lot of anger and resentment. Another fear is the longer I stay he'll grow to hate me.

August 27, 2006
9:40 pm
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Shaney
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I think you'd be jumping the gun, if you made the decision to leave right now. You have too much swimming around in your head, to make a good, solid decision. In fact, you're thinking about things that may not even happen... like the fact that he MIGHT end up hating you. You don't know that... and don't worry yourself about things that may not ever happen. It's a waste of time and energy to do that. Listen to your therapist about the possibility of seeing a different therapist as well. I'm not saying to stand up and confess all of your sins... not at all. But the therapist (whether it's one that isn't involve with both you AND your husband) needs to know in order to help you with the possible addiction.

This is all WAY above my head, but I can certainly understand your sense or urgency to try and figure this out. Like I said, take it slowly, and realize that it's going to take time to solve these issues. You've got several going on, and it's a good sign that the both of you are willing to seek therapy. The marriage must mean something to both of you, otherwise you wouldn't be going through this painful process. It could prove to be very beneficial. Be strong, and patient.

August 27, 2006
9:50 pm
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walkingout
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Yeah, Shaney, it's way over my head too. I tihnk I will see a different therapist.
I'm not used expressing emotions at all (gotta bury it, ya know) much less trying to deal with this much of it at once. I'm still hurting over hot guy too. The others actually don't mean much to me, but I do it anyway.
Thanks for the advice.

August 27, 2006
9:52 pm
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walkingout
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Yeah, Shaney, it's way over my head too. I tihnk I will see a different therapist.
I'm not used expressing emotions at all (gotta bury it, ya know) much less trying to deal with this much of it at once. I'm still hurting over hot guy too. The others actually don't mean much to me, but I do it anyway.
Thanks for the advice.

August 27, 2006
9:52 pm
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walkingout
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Yeah, Shaney, it's way over my head too. I tihnk I will see a different therapist.
I'm not used expressing emotions at all (gotta bury it, ya know) much less trying to deal with this much of it at once. I'm still hurting over hot guy too. The others actually don't mean much to me, but I do it anyway.
Thanks for the advice.

August 27, 2006
9:58 pm
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Shaney
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Gosh, I actually forgot about the feelings you may be having over the hot guy. Wow. Your emotions are on overload right now, no wonder you're so confused. You have to really distinguish between what is reality and what is fantasy, right now. Deal with reality, what is real. Put the fantasy on hold... it has a tendency to cloud what is real in your life.

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