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1st time in this site - need some encouragement
March 29, 2007
9:49 pm
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no more
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Hi. This is my first time on the site and need some encouragement. Would like to vent a little, cry a little, you name it. Quick story. Married for 10 years to an addict. Just realized I am completely co-dependent (reading Co-dependent No More) and find them describing myself to a T. Realizing that after all this time, I can't fix him. Am feeling very discouraged, because I am feeling like my marriage is over. Ignorance can be bliss... Anyone there?

March 29, 2007
10:03 pm
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sad sack
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Welcome to the site. You came to the right place. If you look through the threads, you will see that codependency is a very commom problem.

I, too, read that book and you will see it recommended on this site numerous times. I found it very helpful to me. In the past I was so guilty of many of the behaviors of the codependent individual. SInce reading the book, I really have done an about face.

The number one positive thing that I read in your thread is that you are admitting that you display these behaviors and you know that you need to stop. So you are further along than a lot of other people.

So keep posting and I guarantee that you will get wonderful advice.

Sometimes it just helps to express your feelings. People here are very concerned, very kind and very smart. Finding this site was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Keep posting. I am looking forward to hearing more about your situation. Trust me : You are NOT alone!!!!!

Sad Sack

March 29, 2007
11:06 pm
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Thank you for the words of encouragement. That book is definitely an eye opener. My husband is noticing the changes in me all ready. Of course, he doesn't like it, since that means I am no longer dropping everything for him. Not falling for his guilt trips, etc. It is quite hard, though, because I think since I started changing, he has gotten worse. Of course, I want to blame myself - you know he blames me. After all these years, he knows how to play with my mind.

March 30, 2007
12:28 am
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free
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Hi no more

It's hard being married to an addict. 10 years- you're alot stronger than you think.

I know it may be discouraging to think that your marriage is over. Try looking at it this way: for 10 years you walked a path together. a fork in the road is approaching. You're healing, so you're gonna go one way. It's gonna be your husband's choice which way he goes. You can manipulate (I don't mean manipulate in a bad way) him to go your way at that moment, but it'll be temporary, and that will only bring about another fork in the road in the near future. it will become an exhausting battle. The way he goes has to be his choice.

You keep healing, and let him know how much you want him to heal with you, how much you want this to be a journey for the two of you.

It's gonna be okay.

Married to an addict for 10 years- this is an accomplishment. believe it or not, there is very little that you cannot overcome.

you're gonna be okay.

free

March 30, 2007
6:16 am
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CAMER
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Another good book is Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood....and she even states that "yes you will get better and THEY will seem to get worse".....but key thing is, you are focusing on you!!!

Your hubby makes his choices with addiction, but you don't have to choose to put up with any abuse that may go along with it, and yes, the stronger you get, the more he may think that you don't love him.

Keep taking one small step per day & know you are not alone.

And keep posting, it helps so much with healing!!

((((camer)))

March 30, 2007
8:14 am
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Thank you so much for the encouragement. It is definitely what I needed. As I sat here last night writing those notes(my husband was of course off on his mission), I didn't know where to turn. I just finished getting ready for work this morning and thought I would check if there were any replys. I am very touched. I am sitting here with tears. It is nice to have people I can share with, get advice from and not be judged by. I will be back. thanks!

March 30, 2007
8:40 am
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sleepless in uk
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Hi No More

I agree about things getting worse for a time as you start redefining your position and setting boundaries about what is acceptable and what you wont tolerate. In my experience the unreasonable behaviour escalates and there is a trampling over boundaries, very difficult to cope with. But often the best way to deal with it is to be resoloute and try to remain calm...really difficult I know.

But as he sees you are NOT going to alter your behaviour ro suit him the message will gradually filter through. It is tough though

best of luck

March 30, 2007
10:25 am
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atalose
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Welcome No More,

I hope you will be able to see all the positives that will come your way by understanding your co-dependency, accepting it and learning new ways to better yourself and your life.
Always remember, you don't have to make any decision today about your marriage, your job, your family, etc. etc. nothing says that today or even tomorrow is the day you need to make life changing decisions.
Focus on you, not only getting healthier but feeling healthier.
We make our best decisions when we are strong and not out of emotional weaknesses. Allow yourself time to get stronger.
Glad you are here.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

March 30, 2007
5:11 pm
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lettingo
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I too was married to an alcoholic/addict. I knew my husband for two before we got married. He started using drugs about three years into our marriage so I was in hell for two years. I loved him so it was so hard to let go but in some ways he made it easy at the end because he got so bad and just spirial down. Believe me when I say I TRIED EVERYTHING. He ended up stealing a lof of money and things from me. NEVER would have imagined he would turn into the person drugs made him. Like aliens came and stole him and my husband was hiding out somewhere. With ALOT of help (Alanon meetings, friends, therapy, Alanon sponsor) and two years into his addiction, I divorced him. It was the hardest thing I ever had to to do but I had to save myself. PLEASE go for help for YOU. You can't help him but you can get help for yourself. I highly recommend regular Alanon meeting. They saved me many many times. This is a family disease where all involved get sick. BTW: Women who love too much is an excellent book. I've read it many times. Just know you are NOT alone. As they say in Alanon, You didn't Cause it, you can Cure it and you can't Control it. Hugs.

March 30, 2007
5:13 pm
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lettingo
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no more,
Just want to clarity that I am NOT encouraging you to leave or divorce your husband. I just wanted to encourage you to get help and begin your own recovery program. Hugs!!!

March 30, 2007
5:21 pm
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isolatedone
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I am in the exact same boat as you!!

I'm new here and with an addict for 10 years now...married for 7.

I am just understanding the concepts of codependency and how it pertains to me. It's a hard pill to swallow, isn't it?

I think we've found a good place.

April 2, 2007
8:05 am
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Wow again. Everytime I get on here, I am so excited to have found this site. The support, advice and understanding is wonderful. I appreciate knowing that I don't have to make decisions about divorce, etc right now. THat I can work on myself. It is soo hard though. My husband is so controlling now. The 1 thing I have really tried to stand up to him about is going to my church. He doesn't want me to go. I have continued to go against his wishes lately, except yesterday, He would not let me go. We got into an huge arguement, and said if I tried to leave, he would put all 4 of my tires on a flat. And he would. I have been through the violent times with him in the past. Now, the one thing I was standing up for, I can't. Now what?

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